Hold the mayo.
A skip that's been quite a while in the making. Thanks to a lot of people for helping me out with it! I hope it isn't too wall-of-text-y. Also thank you to Cimmerman for feexing title.
SCP-2789 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2789.
holy hell, I saw this draft at least over a year ago. nice job man!
I think that I read this in an early draft?
The current version has a solid core concept, but seems hampered by extremely awkward phrasing.
For example:
SCP-2789 is a fast food restaurant bearing the company name of Beefbelly Bill's on the front and a large sign on a pole outside of the restaurant.
Would be better if it was simply "SCP-2789 is a fast food restaurant chain called 'Beefbelly Bills'".
"New Tricks for old gods" is one of my favorite themes in urban fantasy and I would love to see it developed better here. As it is though, I don't think this is working.
Thanks for the feedback. Couldn't figure out how to word the 'pole sign' thing properly. I think I might have gone a little overboard trying to make it uber clinical. I'll fix the awkward phrasing if people point it out. I'm not very good at seeing it myself.
E: I may have fixed it, but it still sounds a bit awkward.
How about "SCP-2789 is a fast food restaurant under the name of 'Beefbelly Bill's'."?
I'm teetering on the no-vote/upvote swing - I like the idea of a person actually becoming a new fast food outlet. It's 04:01 in the morning, let me have a think.
Edit: gah! Upvoted. Don't make me regret it. (Avatar gives RecursiveRecursion a hard stare).
I second your teetering. It's a great hook and descriptive process, but I couldn't quite get immersed in the interviews, the researcher's side felt too emotive and 'how dare you'. Umm.
I don't try to be a bastion of morality, but I'd get upset if I found out someone was turning people into restaurants in a living, probably painful way. That's why I wrote him as emotive. He's the one you're supposed to identify the most with.
I'd be upset, sure, but I can't imagine this is the worst thing this Foundation employee has come across, and it doesn't seem like this would be the kinda thing that would break his professional shell. This is purely a personal-headcanon thing, I wouldn't ever suggest it applies across the board, but I just don't feel like the stakes (steaks?) were dire enough for a researcher to lose his cool.
Thing is, the more I read it, the more I really like the idea.
EDIT: Upvoted. I've come back to read it more than once, so there's enough there I want to see preserved.
In this particular case, I don't think the agent reaction too off. The exchange remains polite, but the agent seems to use the opinion to give direction to the interview. Remember that they were not at a Foundation chamber and the CEO is known to direct conversation to other topics, like food and service.
So it is ok for me. The agent didn't loose the cool, but just use the moral condemnation as a interview tool.
I kind of want to see this SCP as Starbucks, but with the name blacked out. Imagine, that's the reason there are so many damn Starbucks. People drink Starbucks and then go out and become another one.
/random comment from random lurker
Funny enough, that was what inspired me. There are like 15 starbucks where I live and I always thought it was weird how they just seem to pop up one day. Maybe it's more real than you think. OooooOooOoo!
I liked it and upvoted. However, I actually didn't like the interview logs and think this skip fine without it.
I'm thinking about removing the first interview. It doesn't really seem to add that much, now that I look at it. If I get any more comments saying it takes away or doesn't add anything, I may remove it. I think the second interview is necessary though.
I like it. Good hook, with just enough detail to make you want what isn't there. Plus the fast food industry is perfect for an unnerving piece. It's something many dislike due to many reasons, but it's constantly expanding all around you. Capturing that sentiment and adding good body horror to it works well.
Those who witness the transformation of SCP-2789-2 report having no memory of the incident, and all attempts to capture it on recording software have been met with failure, with attempted recordings being completely replaced with static.
i suggest that instead of static it should be the restaurant's logo. I think it would add a little more to the scp.
it is theorized that SCP-2789-2 undergoes symptoms similar to congestive heart failure, and begins to rapidly increase in bodily mass, until it reaches a height and width of nearly 4 meters. After SCP-2789-2 has reached sufficient size, its body tissues and fluids will begin to change into materials commonly found in SCP-2789.
that is an oddly specific theory on how the transformation takes place, considering that it can't be recorded and nobody can remember it happening. Also there is an overuse of commas. (I know, they're useful. But it is possible to overuse them)
Attempts to detain SCP-2789-1 have been met with failure, as it frequently disappears with no explanation, often leaving behind a business card identifying itself as the owner of the Beefbelly Bill's company, along with what is presumed to be a name in a currently unidentified language. Translation attempts are ongoing.
i find that the unidentified language thing is a bit cliche at this point, and not only that but you used it for a very trivial thing. I think it would be better to censor the name using this :█████
Thanks for the feedback!
i suggest that instead of static it should be the restaurant's logo. I think it would add a little more to the scp.
That actually sounds like a really cool idea, thanks!
I'll fix the run on, thanks!
I'm okay with this. It's not a bad idea at all. I feel like the ending could be expanded a bit, because as of right now the CEO isn't super interesting to me. It could be opened up a little to allow for some wider interpretation, I think. Novote for now, leaning towards upvote.
/forum/t-1377228/scp-2789#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
