Panspermia

Summary:

Final(?) draft of my Tale, hoping for some last checks before I publish.

Panspermia

Dr_Moist 04 Sep 2020 01:11

The draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/dr-moist
Word Count: 246 408 500 Words

If you haven't checked this thread before it would be very appreciated if you could read the draft before the story description, the document kinda relies on going in blind.

I feel like I've addressed the problems with my Tale and I think I'm at a point where I could publish this and it could do well but I wanna make sure there's nothing I'm missing here, any further feedback would help so much.

+ Story

Some anomalous event causes the sun to vanish, earth is flung into deep space. Document follows… some guy, maybe he's Foundation, maybe not. It progresses from when the sun vanishes till about a year in, at which point earth would be so cold that oxygen begins to condense.

This tale takes a good deal of inspiration from http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-179, a bit from http://www.scpwiki.com/document-recovered-from-the-marianas-trench and a veeery slight amount from http://www.scpwiki.com/scp-4001. There's probably a few more that have inspired me in the mix there but I can't remember any more major influences than those.

Ideas crit forum post with 2 greenlights: http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-12223004/earth-is-flung-into-the-expanse#post-4305990

Yeah that post is over a year old at this point, after posting it I got some huuuuge writers block and had other stuff to deal with. But checking the pinned forum threads I don't believe there have been any major policy changes since so I assume they still apply. If not do tell me.

Also if you read the synopsis of the story from that thread you'll notice I've altered it a lot and turned it into a Tale. A sad reality, as my first concept that perspective on the story is waaay too big picture for my limited experience and I think it's best if I start smaller. Might expand on it at a later date when I'm better at this.

Last edited on 23 Sep 2020 04:10 by Dr_Moist Show more

Re: Panspermia

ghosterposter 21 Sep 2020 14:24

~i'm not an official site reviewer so take this as you will~

i thought the words you used and the reveal were great. i had suspicions at the end of the main text, but they were nothing concrete. overall i think it really benefits from how short it is and the references of missing "him". i hope you get to publish soon. goodluck!

Re: Panspermia

Dr_Moist 21 Sep 2020 20:19

I appreciate it, thank you for checking it out!

Re: Panspermia

RockTeethMothEyes 12 Sep 2020 05:50

The satellite image here really pulled together what was going on for the most part. It's a great reveal. I'll admit that I didn't understand the numbers at first, but I'm guessing that it's temperature readings judging by your spoiler collapsible here. Adding a ° to the end of those numbers would likely help sink that in. I think most users will pick up that it is meant to be Celsius, especially since that's the standard for the site.

Now, the ending reads to me as the Earth eventually hitting a new source of solar heat. I may not be interpreting that correctly, but I don't really understand what else reason there is for the rapid increase in temperature (unless that's what happens when you condense oxygen, idk i'm not a science nerd).

All-in-all, this does an impressive amount with how little there is. There's a lot to be drawn on from implications before the big reveal, and I personally find that very satisfying. I do like how this turned out.

Of course, feel free to reach out to additional reviewers through the Butterfly Squad Roster or the IRC Chat. It's always a plus to get some more eyes on something, in my opinion.

Last edited on 12 Sep 2020 07:25 by RockTeethMothEyes Show more

Re: Panspermia

Dr_Moist 12 Sep 2020 21:34

Thank you! I was really worried about getting it across in the end, so I am super glad you think it works.

You're totally right about the temp numbers, definitely gonna add a ° to them.

And you actually interpreted that ending correctly, congrats! I'm really glad you were able to because I was very worried that part would be way too vague, but I'm also glad it wasn't too obvious and it left you thinking a bit at least.

Again, thank you so much for your feedback. It's really appreciated <3

Re: Panspermia

OCuin 13 Sep 2020 12:59

[Placeholder from PM]

I'm not certain of the reveal here. It's impactful, no doubt, but it feels like telling rather than showing. I'd really rather I was able to put the pieces together myself, otherwise, it feels too much like I'm being told the story rather than discovering it for myself.

That being said, I found this quite impactful, especially on a second read. The first time round, the prose is nice, but it's confusing and I don't quite get what's going on. The second time round, the prose is legitimately quite beautiful to me, and the presentation with the temperature values is chilling (heh). I think there's really quite a lot to like about how this is written, and the brevity adds to it a lot.

Overall, I'm not sure how to feel about this, though. The writing is strong, it's impactful, and a lot of the aesthetic elements really help, but the reveal is communicated in such a manner as to make it feel rather frustrating to me - I'm left feeling like I should have been able to figure that out for myself, even though there's nothing to clearly indicate it outside of that. I guess my main suggestion would be to leave more hints as to the nature of the story in the prose, so at the very least the reader is capable of coming to that conclusion themselves before the reveal, if unlikely.

Good luck!

Last edited on 16 Sep 2020 19:09 by OCuin Show more

Re: Panspermia

Dr_Moist 16 Sep 2020 21:08

Thank you for your response! Your major crit about the reveal being more telling than discovery is absolutely fair and I will see what more hints I could drop before the reveal. Although I have actually written the start of the Tale to contain very big hint about what's actually going on, it is very much based on wording/references from SCP-179 and I now see how basing the entire hint off of presumed knowledge of a single Series 1 SCP could be problematic. I'll try to write it to be a bit more standalone from that.

Thank you for your kind words and great feedback!

Re: Panspermia

OCuin 19 Sep 2020 12:05

[Placeholder from PM]

Perhaps it's because I already know what's going on, but I think this is clear enough that it doesn't need that image anymore. It's shoring up the explanation beyond what's necessary. I'd get some second opinions on that change, but I think the text implies what's going on clearly enough, and the image feels hamfisted by virtue of over-explaining the concept/reveal.

I think this version would be pretty solid if the image was cut. As it stands, I like this slightly less than the previous version, but would like it more than both without the image. If you want to keep the image in, I'd go back to the old text; the brevity lends the reveal a punch that this version doesn't have.

Otherwise, this carries roughly the same impact as the previous version. I think this is solid, and that it would be better without the image, but it's fairly decent right now.

Last edited on 22 Sep 2020 17:37 by OCuin Show more

Re: Panspermia

Dr_Moist 22 Sep 2020 21:10

That's definitely a position I can understand, I have contacted a few other people who never got to read the first version of the draft and will go in blind with the new one. So after I've heard from them I'll decide whether or not I'll remove the gif. I am feeling very 50/50 on it…

Thank you for your time <3

Re: Panspermia

Sonderance 15 Sep 2020 05:30

Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.

Alright, here’s my take.

+ show block

On a purely grammatical level, I think some of your sentences in this run on a bit. I’m not a great line-by-line critter, but I’d go through and re-access a comma or two. Unless, of course, you’re going for a more conversational tone. Ignore me in that case.

As a purely allegorical piece, I think you do some fine work here. The text feels dramatic enough to really juxtapose the simple satellite image in a really cool way. I’m not so sure how I feel about the ending of it, but it fits the thematic throughline well enough to work.

I’d suggest reaching out to another critter or two for polishing¹, but you honestly have something pretty neat here. I like it.

If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.

Footnotes

1. Though OCuin's placeholder tells me you've already done so

Last edited on 16 Sep 2020 05:41 by Sonderance Show more

Re: Panspermia

Dr_Moist 16 Sep 2020 21:20

Thank you for your time!

About the grammar, yes I am definitely going for more of just a guy poetically writing in a journal type thing. More conversational in nature. Though there's is definitely some grammar to polish here and there, it is not my greatest skill. So I'll make sure to give it a few passes before publishing.

Your feedback is incredibly appreciated.

Re: Panspermia

Nagiros 21 Sep 2020 22:27

Summoned by PM, expect crit within 24 hours.

I enjoy this.

I got most-but-not-all of the story here, surprisingly, with the two biggest mistakes being that I assumed the "ship" was a proper interstellar vessel and the numbers indicated degrees on a circle — as in, rotation and revolution, I suppose. The ending is much more impactful with the knowledge that it's temperature — obvious in hindsight given the last number being 273.

The main limiting factor to my enjoyment was the prose. I get it's supposed to be alien, I really do, but lines like this…

In an instant our island was gone, the pounding fists of the void had moved without ripples in their wake.

… are both grammatically unsound and obfuscated. That comma shouldn't be a comma, and while I'm not a strict adherent to punctuation myself it is important in informing readers how to pace your draft. I can do a line-by-line if desired.

The last item that bugged me was just that the characters introduce the ability to leave the hole immediately before the characters leave the hole. Some passing mention of a desire to exit in the previous sections would be beneficial, so readers can know that's an option.

Last edited on 23 Sep 2020 00:50 by Nagiros Show more

Re: Panspermia

Dr_Moist 22 Sep 2020 23:31

Now that I re-read my Tale after this crit I definitely see how you could have confused my wording for Earth with an interstellar vessel, I'll do what I can to fix that.

And the grammar, yes absolutely. I have some grammar, punctuation and pacing issues to clean out before publishing. Additionally when I've fixed those issues I believe the prose will work better.

And the last item about the hole, a very good point. I'll get on it.

Thank you for your excellent feedback!