Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Summary:

Digital learning gone too far.

Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Abydos 01 Sep 2020 04:40

Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Type: SCP Article
Elevator Pitch: Pairs of cheap mass-produced smart glasses that are linked to a laptop computer. The glasses are powered by an anomalous device in the bridge of the glasses, Foundation researchers are only able to determine uses one or more powerful magnets. The user of the laptop can set questions to be answered by wearers Kahoot-style, display pages from textbooks of different subjects, and show PowerPoints. The images aren’t actually displayed on the glasses, but in the wearer’s field of vision, as destroying the lens doesn’t stop the display and instead broadcasts an alert to the laptop. Wearing of the glasses also makes one more suggestible and compliant, and causes wearers to display characteristic neural activity.

Central Narrative: The Foundation discovers that a high school had received a shipment of 200 “smart glasses” from a tech start-up. They interview one of the founders, Vijay, under the cover of being from the Department of Education.

Vijay says he and his friend Cesar met in Teach for America and were idealistic about helping public schools. While Vijay handles the marketing, Cesar built the device by with his “weirdo engineer buddies”. By the end of their time at TfA, Cesar was talking about how the glasses only solve a surface problem, and that he now sees from the things he taught that the bigger problem is oversimplification at the expense of critical thinking.

The Foundation discovers that Vijay has similar neural activity to a wearer, suggesting he’s being manipulated as well, and amnesticizes him. The Foundation raids Cesar’s apartment based on info from Vijay’s business card, only to discover cannibalized electronics, textbooks, and traces of cat spinal fluid on a workbench.

The Foundation cross-references the textbooks on the laptop with the originals and discover that the history book has been slightly altered to present details of events and persons that the Foundation has been trying to suppress. The article ends with the Foundation discovering that the biology textbook discusses anomalous macromolecules that the Foundation is barely aware of.

Hook/Attention-Grabber: I thought it would be interesting to explore digital learning as an anomalous concept because the field/technology have been forced to rapidly develop by circumstance. I was also hoping that I could tell an interesting story about good intentions ending on a sinister note that leaves readers wondering about the exact goals of the anomaly’s creator.

Last edited on 11 Sep 2020 07:48 by Abydos Show more

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Quadraginta 01 Sep 2020 16:43

I am not an experienced critiquer so take my words with a grain of salt. Let us start the critique!

I'll start with a nitpick. You put the last 3/4 of the elevator pitch in the first half of the Central Narrative. I recommend fixing that. Okay. Now for the actual critique.

Open Me!

Once inside, it allows the subject to access textbooks, answer questions iClicker style, and create/respond to discussion threads (the last of which requires a toggle and puts considerable strain on the mind).

Not sure what you mean by 'toggle.' I admit I'm not the most knowledgeable on computers so I might be missing something, but I still think you should be a little clearer since I imagine a good deal of non-computery people could also see this concept and be confused by that line.

Also, in what way does it put a strain on the mind? Headaches? Inability to focus? Reduced levels of consciousness? I'd also like to ask why? I'm going to guess it's because your mind is trying to load many, many different posts all at the same time.

It also makes the subject more compliant and suggestible

I want to see this be explored. You gave this detail but kind of just left it hanging there.

In the email log, a representative of the company that created it reaches out to a principal to give his district free samples, but he finds it too much and rejects it. The example subject is sent back with the beta discussion feature enabled, but he finds it too much and accidentally broadcasts his mental screams to all nearby electronics, which helps the Foundation find the device.

The wording here confused me a little at first. Put a space after the principal part and specify that they sent a representative in person. After that, just change "The example subject" to "An example subject" and it should clear up more details. That said, I find it a little hard to believe that they didn't test their product enough so that it wouldn't overwhelm one of their own employees…idk, that felt strange to me.

The Central Narrative is a little too…'wall-of-text.' Break it up with a space here and there between each main point.

That said, I like the anomaly. It's simple but also offers a decent deal of depth, I'd say. There's a lot that can be explored with a CPU shoved into a human brain. Who knows what kind of human mind hijacking shenanigans this unknown company could be pulling?

Hmm…one more thing about that Central Narrative. You gave a discovery story, but there needs…more, I'd say…not sure what I can add to that, but a simple discovery story doesn't feel like enough. Maybe experiment logs, too? Hm. Dunno. Ruminate on that a little, see where your creativity takes you.

I had a hard time critiquing this one. I'm not an experienced critiquer, but I hope I gave some good points.

That said, here's a link to experienced critiquers who are loads better at this than I am.

Also, here's a guide to help you flesh out the idea further.

One final parting gift: a step by step guide on making your first SCP!

Good luck, partner. The initial brick wall of making an idea worthy enough for Greenlights can be nightmarish, but trust me, the feeling of victory at the end is worth it.

Hope I helped!

Good day!

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Abydos 02 Sep 2020 04:44

Thanks for the feedback! Was very helpful. I wanted to respond with my intentions on anything you’re not clear about, but of course it’s my job as the writer to make it more clear, so I’ll be fixing those as best I can.

By “toggle”, I just meant you have to switch it on and off. I envisioned the strain would come from trying to reliably type anything onto a discussion board by thinking it. In the same way that trying not to think of something will make you think about it, attempting to block all the “chatter” in the mind to type makes the chatter stronger for some people. I might dial this part back in another draft.

I added the compliance aspect because after taking a step back and looking at the object, it didn’t even really seem that anomalous, methods of creation aside. I was thinking I could expand on this by making the log a student’s disciplinary profile instead of an email exchange. The student could go from totally unmotivated, to knowing material, but then eventually to total inability to do anything independently.

I admit the email exchange was a bit clunky. Having the sales rep suddenly go mental felt a bit cliche but I felt like the object needed some background.

Anyways, thanks again for the help! I’ll revise it. And just an etiquette question, if I want to post the new idea critique, do I post it as a new thread or continue this old one?

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Quadraginta 06 Sep 2020 23:41

Sorry I didn't reply to this! Replies on forum pages don't send notifications or alerts. Editing the original post is the way to go.

Sorry again!

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Abydos 03 Sep 2020 02:15

Posts on old threads announcing major edits seem to be allowed, so here's the new concept draft I have.

Seeking Greenlights: Yes
Page Type: SCP Article
Elevator Pitch: It’s some pairs of cheap mass-produced smart glasses that are linked to a laptop computer. The user of the laptop can set questions to be answered by wearers Kahoot-style, display pages from textbooks of different subjects to them, and create discussion threads they can respond to mentally. The images aren’t actually displayed on the glasses, but in the wearer’s field of vision through anomalous means. Wearing of the glasses also makes one more suggestible and compliant, and causes wearers to show distinctive neural activity.
Central Narrative: The Foundation discovers that a high school had received a shipment of 200 “smart glasses” from a known anomaly creator masquerading as a tech company. The anomaly creator in question had previously been involved in groups that used anomalies to cause political unrest. When questioned, the creator claims that the glasses have nothing to do with his previous affiliations, and he just wanted to help underfunded school districts. Naturally, the Foundation doesn’t buy it. The article ends with foundation discovering that he has the same neural activity as a wearer, suggesting that he believes he’s telling the truth but is being manipulated.
Hook/Attention-Grabber: I thought it would be interesting to explore digital learning as an anomalous concept because the proper way to do it is becoming a discussion in many places. The fleshing out of the creator’s intentions could make it interesting as well. I want readers to initially suspect a mind-control plot, but have their perspective changed by the interview, and then changed again by the reveal.

Last edited on 03 Sep 2020 15:38 by Abydos Show more

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

OCuin 04 Sep 2020 19:31

[Placeholder from PM]

So the idea of exploring how information and so on is disseminated in our culture and how education does and should function is interesting, but I'm not sure this really does it as well as it needs to.

The primary issue here is that this all feels very arbitrary. Who is Ceasar? Why are they doing this? Why do they care to try and break the Veil? For all intents and purposes, they're the villain of this story, but they have basically no actual presence in the story beyond the effects of their actions. If this was all just spontaneously happening and Vijay was imagining Ceasar, nothing would change. Who is Ceasar as a person? What's their deal? Their actions seem to hint at some interesting underlying stuff, but you've given no real hint of what that is or why we should care about what they're doing.

The second main issue I have with this is a lack of clarity as to what you intend to say with it. What's the message being communicated here about education and the dissemination of information? This is in part connected to the lacking characterisation of Ceasar as the commentary is harder to glean without an idea of who the villain is and what they represent, but the effects of the glasses also contribute to this issue. On one hand, they seem to act almost as mind-altering/controlling devices (on a very low level at least), but the underlying purpose here just seems to be minor alterations to textbooks in an effort to break the Veil, which makes that first property seem a bit pointless. Why even have the first property if Ceasar's goal is just to break Foundation secrecy?

I think the main this needs is a bit of focus and the expansion of some of its elements to give it a bit more depth. With that done, we could be looking at a solid story.

Last edited on 07 Sep 2020 09:36 by OCuin Show more

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Abydos 06 Sep 2020 13:40

I did another major update of the concept and this time it’s in the original post. From now on the version in the main post is the most recent one.

Last edited on 06 Sep 2020 13:41 by Abydos Show more

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

chiifu 10 Sep 2020 21:22

Here now.

---

I have only one real problem with this piece, and that is, there's nothing to connect me to Ceasar here. Sure, you've got Vijay, but in the narrative, you're telling me there's no real way for Vijay to get into contact with Ceasar here? So I can't really get a glimpse of the motivations behind all this; why would Ceasar want to put in all this work, and have Vijay, who's brainwashed, to do all this for them? You have a solid foundation here, but the characterization needed to make the story itself flow drags it down.

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Abydos 11 Sep 2020 07:49

Okay, I see your points and I edited the narrative. Now what I'll do in the interview is portray, from Vijay's testimony, how volunteering at schools makes Cesar go from confident they can fix public schooling with their project, to cynical about how the real problem is that they're teaching in a way that's convenient and 'comfortable' for schools instead of letting kids think for themselves. And instead of Vijay not being able to contact Cesar, Vijay gives the Foundation their business card which they use to raid Cesar's apartment, only to discover he's left already.

Re: Idea Critique: EDU-Mind

Sonderance 13 Sep 2020 04:24

Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.

Alright, here’s my take.

+ show block

I feel as though the narrative you currently have outlined here isn’t doing much. If it’s trying to set up Cesar as a nefarious enemy of the Foundation, there’s not close to enough here for that; if instead you’re trying to create a twist, I don’t believe that the interview with Vijay will be enough to establish the scene before the sharp turn.
It certainly doesn’t help that, as chiifu and OCuin have pointed out about previous iterations, we are provided with little to no information about Cesar’s motives or personality. It is possible to create a portrait of a villain by ‘circumventing’ them, in a way; that is, by describing them through others’ perceptions and their surroundings without us ever meeting them as a character. Currently, though, I don’t see that happening with what little plot you have here.

If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.

Last edited on 14 Sep 2020 04:32 by Sonderance Show more