More Gears? A long, novella-length article? Hell yeah!
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This was loads of fun to write. never done anything of this length before, hopefully do more in the future. Let me know what all you think, please.
Thank you to everyone who helped kill typos and beat my sometimes wobbly grammar into shape. Except for my wife and daughter, who, after a few paragraphs, have both sworn to never, ever read anything I write after sundown ever, ever again.
Because this has been posted, I will port over my review (which is still technically uncompleted. But with where I left off, typos were the only concerns I have not already pointed out. Nothing a little grammar related website couldn't fix).
T.L. at your service!
Noting that I will only address re-occurring errors once, and it will be up to you to find the rest since I will not be pointing them all out. That said, please don't feel obligated to execute a change if you don't agree with it. :)
Strikethrough for removal, Blue for adding, Red for reoccurring errors, and Green for clarification.
Deep, rolling throbs pressed against the girl, tThe distant mumble of words
Be sure to watch out for comma splices. A comma alone isn't enough to link two independent clauses together, so your either gonna need a conjunction, a semicolon, or opt for a period to separate the clauses. Noting that this is a reoccuring error throughout the draft.
like the hazy sounds one would hears as a baby before the understanding of speech arrives
The phrase had a lot of extraneous words, making it a bit of a mouthful, and the tone seemed a little off compared to the other sentences surrounding it. Hopefully, I was able to change that.
She groaned shivered, curling up against her knees, and groaning, shivering despite the sweat-fueled warmth of the house.
I reworded it so that the phrases outside of the commas could work without the middle phrase. Basically, I changed it into a parenthetical element.
Below, bodies heaved and swayed, drink-warmed flesh animated by lust-drunk wills, t The thump of music and swirl of smoke providing provided a tantalizing illusion of public privacy.
So the tense got a little mixed up here. The scene is happening in past tense, so it should stay in past tense. Noting that inconsistent tense is a reoccuring error throughout the draft. Additionally, I separated the sentence to aid the comma rules.
She shivered, more violently, feeling that other sound suddenly squeeze, feeling like a physical force
You already have the word "feeling" once. There's no need for another one, as it adds on unnecessary comma usage.
her eyes blurring blurred as she mewled a weak call for help
She wheezed, and drooled, feeling some mass shifting and sloshing, h. Her will all but smothered now, to make way for the action, for the sensation
Try to use as little commas as possible—especially in complex sentences, as not all phrases would necessarily require excessive commas. Noting that this is a reoccuring issue throughout the entirety of the draft. Commas can easily be replaced with other punctuation. Try to look around for big paragraphs where the extraneous commas can be trimmed down or eliminated, and the sentences can be separated. Make sure that if you separate sentences, they are independent clauses that can stand on their own. Plus, the excessive commas make the entire draft look like a giant, detailed list of what this girl is going through rather than a smoothly flowing story that will better help walk the audience through. I guess for the most part, the commas are for building up the suspense, but you don't really need them just for that.
Seeing a girl with a rep for breaking a track-and-field ace's arm, shivering and moaning against him
There should be a comma after "arm" so that the audience won't think it's the arm that's shivering and moaning. Though, that would be hilarious if it was the arm all along…
However, over the last few months, it'd turned sour
If "However" is used at the beginning of a sentence, it should always be followed by a comma after. Additionally, parenthetical elements should always be set off with a pair of commas. Noting that parenthetical elements without the proper set of commas is a reoccuring error within the draft.
if you're so worried,##Blue|[insert space]why don't you look?”
Be sure to check the spacing between characters.
Emma's a freak, and she makes you nuts.
A conjunction would always need a comma before it in order to properly connect the two independent clauses.
She spilled out into cool darkness, but still too much bight bright…
"Bight" means a curve in a coastline, so I'm assuming you meant "bright"?
shuddering as she rain ran along the side of the house
I think you meant "ran" since "rain" is what the sky does. But then there was that one SCP…
her turning making the flesh slosh
Two gerunds adjacent is grammatically correct, but it's wordy and awkward in my opinion.
her pupil blown out and smeared like an oily black egg
Always use "an" when it precedes a word starting with a vowel sound. Noting that this is a reoccuring error within the draft.
wobbling below her ribs as of if she was as hollow as a gutted fish
Changed "of" to "if" since "of" means expressing a relationship between a part and a whole. The simile should hopefully be fixed now.
I'm pretty sure "into" would be the correct word for this since it is a preposition that expresses movement of something toward or into something else. Noting that this is a reoccuring error within the draft.
Eric had thought the house was several blocks further down
Added a "t" to change the meaning of "though" since it means despite the fact.
By the time he noticed the girl in on the road, it was too late.
"on" would be a better replacement since it would be strange if she was actually in the road.
H The heat-haze warped anything beyond the middle distance
Use "the" with any noun when the meaning is specific. Plus, it aids sentence flow.
in northern Michigan
Smol typo.
The blue door was closed, and the driveway empty.
The 2nd phrase is a dependent clause. It must be an independent clause in order to need a comma and a conjunction for separation. Noting that this is a reoccuring error.
There She would be have her whole life to look over them
Be specific when referring to something that belongs to someone.
T She wanted to make today over.
Dependent clauses cannot stand alone as a sentence, as it does not express a complete thought. Noting that this is a reoccuring error throughout the entire draft.
Her and her two elder brothers had lived their their whole lives there
Accidental repeat of "their".
If you were so worried about family, maybe you shouldn't have jumped on Owen's dick, then
Rough—erm, I mean, use a comma if the "if" clause is at the beginning of the sentence. Noting that this is a reoccuring error.
Threat, point, and counter-point.
When listing things, don't forget to end the last item with an "and" in front of it. Noting that this is a reoccuring error.
her annoyance at being interrupted melting off in a see sea of bone-deep exhaustion
I think you meant "sea" since "see" means to perceive through the eyes.
There may not BE a later time, boy!
Filled in a missing word to aid sentence flow. I'm also aware that dialogue is never perfect (since humans themselves aren't), so it's your choice if you want to fix it.
He looked more hypnotized than rapt.
Missing tense. Keep an eye out for that.
face a still mask as it stinged his skin.
As much as I want to believe it was singing fire, I don't think that was the real intent here.
to make sure she wasn't getting sick and to bring her tea
Make sure the phrases stay consistent.
i'm I'm sorry about the dishes
Remember to check for capitalization. Subjects such as "I" should always be capitalized. Noting that this is a reoccuring error.
Still, he seemed at least a little happier than he had been
Should be "at least". Smol typing error type'a typo.
he'd shop tomarrow tomorrow
Tomorrow tomarrow, tomato tomawto. Be sure to watch out for small typos like this. They're sneaky sneak sneak.
talking taking the lazy curve that lead to the market
I think you meant "taking", and I don't really think people talking to road curves is normal. Or is it?
How are you doing?”
Don't forget punctuation, especially in dialogue. It should always go before the second set of quotation marks. Noting that this is a reoccuring error.
Truthfully, she'd been more of Emma's
Added "of" so that the sentence doesn't translate to this "she" actually being a bunch of "Emma's".
That wasn't to say that Charlotte disliked her, it's just that it was tempered with the same emotions one feels when taking care of an abused puppy.
Added some words to better aid sentence flow.
Mrs. Fr…oh
Period for consistency since the other "Mrs" in the draft had the punctuation.
I mean, they didn't find anyone, so they're thinking maybe thinking the dad ,Bennett, like, took them all off
Eliminated the extra "thinking", but this is dialogue from a human. Humans aren't perfect, and that could've been an intentional character flaw. Just gonna not that repeated words within dialogue reoccur again in the draft. Also, nonessential appositives should always have a set of commas. Noting that nonessential appositives without the proper set of commas is also a reoccuring error.
when he'd finally gotten kicked out, everyone had breathed a sigh of relief
General rule of thumb, if an introductory phrase is over four words long, use a following comma.
and that his father would love to meet her
Huzza! That typo thought it could get away from me. Bring on the next victim typo!
Bryson had gotten a broken nose, wounded his pride wounded, and ended up under permanent suspension permanent suspension a few months later under mysterious circumstances.
Try to keep the phrases consistent when listing things. I also trimmed down a bit of the wordiness.
> letting the ac AC run
I think "ac" should be capitalized since it's an acronym for air conditioner.
The This grimy, reddened hand that slammed into the window inches from her head made her scream
The hand wasn't introduced before hand, making the wording here seem a bit awkward.
“o Oooh yes, you're a good boy, arn't aren't you?
Yesss! I hath slaughtered yet again another typo!!! I think the first word of a sentence within dialogue should still be capitalized. I also caught another typo. Noting that this is a reoccuring error with the same word. But then that could've been slang, so maybe…
And why what are you doing?
Fixed the question.
Not as A acolyte, but as a man
I don't think "acolyte" needs to be capitalized in this since it is not a proper noun or any of those other words that need capitalization. Noting that this is a reoccuring error with other words within the draft. That could however be intentionally, so all you.
The thudding music at least blunted the edge of that other sound, that even now squirmed and squeezed her concentration like a tube of toothpaste under a car tire.
This is where things get a little confusing. Is this entire story happening in the moment, or did it already all happen? The past tense after what I highlighted doesn't seem to support it being in the present.
As she vaulted down the stairs, she somewhat hoped the screams were from Emma, and not about her.
I thought the screams came from the outside, and the stairway down lead to the laundry room or something. Was this intentional since here mind was racing at the moment?
No general concerns in this section.
leaking small smears of watery blood and push
I'm not generally sure what "push" is supposed to mean here.
A throbbing, sagging horror had bloomed from Emma's mouth. Her lower jaw was a broken, ragged mass of meat and bone, hanging in strips down the sides of her throat. The rest of her lower face was dominated by a throbbing, sloshing mass of…flesh, tissues, webworks and pulsing bubbles of purples, pinks, whites and blacks, like some rotten, skinned elephant trunk. It curled and pulsed, curving down from her mouth, thicker than her swaying arms, the mass of it curling down to press against her oddly flat belly. As she swayed, a sudden wind seeming to tug at her in slow motion, Charlotte could see the sagging flesh-trunk was connected to Emma's abdomen, well below her belly button, thick, throbbing veins squirming like fat worms under her skin.
Okay, if her condition is this bad, why didn't anyone else notice or went out of their way to give her a hand and get help? I get that she was covering her face, but like her belly. I also get that most of the people there are drunk, but I doubt all of them are that drunk. I mean, it's so obvious the way you described her condition.
Then Eric Sho's Buick, driven by the aforementioned and significantly drunk Eric Sho slammed in to Emma at roughly seventy-six miles per hour.
Who is this Eric Sho? Why weren't they mentioned before? Is this the first time they were mentioned? It just seems sudden that a new character was introduced like this. It sort of breaks the moment. Maybe keep the driver/owner of the Buick anonymous during this scene until there is a better scene were they can be better introduced. It might also clear up some confusion since the audience might think they've missed something.
Charlotte elected to walk home as much as for the privacy as for the distance from their presence.
This sentence is confusing with all the similes. I'm not exactly sure how to fix it.
Dr. Schechter
There is really nothing after indicating that he is a doctor nor before since he was just introduced. Maybe refer to him as "Mr.", and then have a nonessential appositive to note his work/title.
as she again peeled her dress from her legs
You didn't mention here peeling her dress from her legs before, so "again" is redundant.
Can
*Gasp* there's a random wild "Can" loose within the draft! SOMEONE CALL WORD CONTROL!!! This is quite a random word that doesn't really fit in between the the paragraphs it's sandwiched in.
The old man
Why is he referred to as "the old man" instead of her grandfather? It was fine at first, but she should've realized it was her grandfather after he offered her the lilies.
and the boy's are stuck in uni still
I'm not exactly sure what "uni still" means here.
Moving on to the text messages, it's a little hard to tell which text message is from who besides the difference in grammar. It's not too big of an issue. It was just confusing at first. Then we get to the second set of messages where Char is talking to Scott, but I didn't realize at first and thought it was Bonnie. That kinda disrupted my train of visualization. I can't tell if t he text styles are inconsistent or not, making it difficult to decipher which message is from who. Again, not a huge issue. Just confusing. Try making the text styles more consistent between the characters.
Your grandpa's been hold up in his lair for a bit now
I'm curious. Why do they refer it as "lair"? Why not just room, office or bedroom?
##|GreenShe hadn't immediately recognized her because she must have put on a lot of weight, her arms flabby and thick, her face puffy and almost shiny. Her hair had been down too##, and Charlotte actually slowed and turned slightly to look at her again…yes, that was Mrs. Franklin
I had a bit of trouble deciphering who was "she" and who was "her" until the second half of this paragraph. Maybe making it more subtle with who is being described here? Noting that this is a reoccuring issue.
she'd been Charlotte and Emma's mutual friend since grand school.
Did you mean "grade school", or is it a name/type of (a) school?
Once she got going, Bonnie could be a real babbling brook
Doesn't "babbling brook" mean a quite serene place with water flowing over rocks or something? I just feel like it isn't the right word to describe what the initial intent was.
She excused herself as being tired, glad the girl didn't know who she was and therefore have to accept more bland condolences from strangers.
This sentence felt a tad bit off. If the check out girl didn't know who she was or what she went through, I highly doubt she's get any condolences… unless the girl was giving Char condolences on being tired.
Something her grandfather had said, about the mind seeking context and connection where there wasn't any
Where was this mentioned before in the draft? I didn't see it when he was comforting Char or interacting with her in general. Did this happen long before? If so, maybe try to indicate it so readers won't think they missed something.
the girl laughing and pushing his engine-block of a skull away
Just out of curiosity, why is she referred to as "the girl" rather than Charlotte? She's no stranger or background character within the story.
wain smile
Doesn't "wain" mean "wagon", or is my IQ just 3…?
Alright, when we get to the part where Char and her grandfather talks again, I guess I kinda get what he is saying, but I'm not sure about it in-universe. It just seems out of context, making it confusing to understand the old man. His speech also feels inconsistent. He was described an often foolish man in the beginning, but now he is giving wise/knowledgeable advice that sort of comes off as riddles that Char has to figure out or something…? Maybe that's just foreshadowww….? I don't know. Their conversation just got a little confusing, and I just barely was piecing together stuff. I liked that you had the "…" to sort of indicate Char being sleepy at the moment while trying to understand, though. That was clever.
“Y-you…made it so dad would…leave.”
I'm not sure how she was able to assume or caught on to this, especially since she is sleepy, but I guess that could be the case. She might have caught on, but the audience would sort of be left in the dark since there is no clear indication of this.
that something had been denied her that she desperately needed
This sentence confused me a little, and I'm not sure how to fix it, so it won't be awkward, due to me being unsure what the actual meaning and intent was.
I was a touch worried we'd not be seeing you today!
"We"? Hmm… lemme guess. Foreshadowing?
Moving deeper into the plot, the scene where Charlotte woke up was unclear. I wasn't sure where she was until a few paragraphs down, making the visualization of it difficult.
like a burr on a sweater
Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, sir? […] I'm at your service, sir. I'm not exactly sure what "burr" is supposed to mean here. I just know that it either has to do something with metal or seeds.
He had not questioned why he had been allowed free again, simply slipping out the open door rather than needing to work out an escape.
He knew there was something that made his nose twitch and lips curl out here, but not exactly what.
I find this rather strange for a dog? He seems to act more human than a dog in my opinion, but then I'm no dog expert. I just didn't expect a dog to have such complex thoughts… *GaSP*, CLiFForD???
Moving onto the scene of the two men, the dialogue sounds natural, but the tone and speech doesn't seem consistent. They go from informal speech to more formal speech. I just feel like that wasn't an in-universe character flaw. Also, that they were talking about seemed quite vague.
Overall, my biggest concern with this is whether it should be in past or present tense. Right now, it really feels like it's in present tense despite past tense being mostly used throughout. I honestly feel like it would be better told in present tense to give the audience an "in the moment" kind of feel since it seems more fitting for this type of draft. I only corrected it to past tense because that was how it initally started out as. It's your draft, so you decide the tense. For now, definitely re-read and fix up the inconsistent tense, as it plagues the entirety of the draft making it tough to read and very confusing. You have a very interesting and well written story, but it's the inconsistent tense that is holding it all down. Also, tone down the excessive commas. Commas no like drama. As for the characters, you did a very good job expressing the way Emma felt within the draft, along with the body horror displayed. The intent in the descriptions are strong in a way I that understood and felt what she was going through—I genuinely felt concerned for her. Charlotte on the other hand, try overemphasizing the text where she gets very angry at Scott since I wasn't really getting the angry vibe. We also don't know to much about Emma and Charlotte's relationship, making the part after the funeral where Charlotte had her break downs not really in the feel for me. Maybe actually describing her memories within those moments for the emphasis. As for Scott, I don't really know what being drunk is like, so I'll just trust what you have on him. Now Eric Sho… hmm, Eric Sho… he doesn't seem important enough besides being the one who kills Emma. Have him be a little more involved within the story. The drama and conflict between Char's parents was very well executed. I could tell what Scott meant by her having home issues. Moving on to Bonnie, very well done with showing her personality rather than just stating it. I felt what Char was feeling around her. Awesome job with building the tension with the thunder cloud scene. I felt it despite outside being rather clear where I live. Also, I apologize for all the bad jokes accompanied by the feedback. It was a very VERY long read, but it was worth it nonetheless. The depth was phenominal, along with the visualizations. The dialogue is sooo natural, just aaaaa. Just, I loved it. I am so SO sorry for taking so long on this too, and it is STILL uncompleted. I have never reviewed anything of this length.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding my critique, please let me know. Also, I only managed to review half of it so far.
This Life Is Mine
Read this after it was posted to the forums. I was too busy with other things to actually try to help review it, but I did thoroughly enjoy the read. It's good to see you are still writing Gears. +1 on the literal novel you just dumped in the laps of the Foundation
One of the single greatest works of the entire site. At once classic horror with those very slight tinges of creepypasta's strengths, mixed in with the kind of writing that makes it obvious how much modern perspective and life experience informs it, making it a gripping personal read. There's some parts that Truc Linh brings up that makes some parts confusing or context unclear, so I don't really want to touch editing the article for fear of messing something up in the process, particularly with ambiguities. But still, every time I read this, I'm reminded of how engaging your writing is, and yearn for even more. I have to only assume the rating is this low after all this time simply due to the sheer length. But if anyone can make the time to read something the length of a novella, then you owe it to yourself to read this in that timespan.
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
