Class-A Orange 65 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Class-A Orange 65.

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Author Post (?)

daviiid 22 Aug 2020 03:26

Hey! First off, I would like to sincerely apologize. I didn't plan for my first contribution to the wiki to be a 5 AM cold- (or at least rather solidly chilled) -post, but here we are. This was intended, at its core, to be a sort of thematic lead-in into something more, and hopefully there will be more- I do also hope, however, that this is at least somewhat justified as standing on its own.

I won't use my authorpost to rag on my own writing, so I'll leave the shortcomings and (let's hope!) also brighter moments of this piece for the reader to decide themself. Either way, thank you for taking the time to read!

Special thanks to etoisle for being an awesome friend, and also giving this a last-minute spell-check so I didn't end up posting a complete trashfire. Peace!

Last edited on 22 Aug 2020 10:06 by daviiid Show more

etoisle 22 Aug 2020 03:36

i absolutely love seeing realistic takes on amnestics and this hit the nail on the fucking head. i love the down to earth yet descriptive prose, i love your characterization, this rules and everyone should read it

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do my gay little computers make you mad? do they make you want to hurt me?

daviiid 22 Aug 2020 08:19

Thank you!!

Elunerazim 22 Aug 2020 03:42

Does a great job of hammering home the little, everyday horrors of the foundation. +1

daviiid 22 Aug 2020 08:20

I'm glad the feeling came through, thank you for reading!

EstrellaYoshte 22 Aug 2020 03:48

was really good!
+1

daviiid 22 Aug 2020 08:21

Thank you!

Grigori Karpin 22 Aug 2020 04:39

I remember talking with someone in discord about the blue collar technicians who have to deal with the aftermath of anomalous events and how cool it would be to see that in a tale:

Congrats, you completely captured the feeling I was thinking about.

+1, I do hope this isn’t the end of these characters as I’m curious to see where it goes.

daviiid 22 Aug 2020 08:19

Thank you, that's high praise and I'm very glad you enjoyed this! I'm very interested in the more, well, mundane parts of how the Foundation operates and I hope to do more in this vein in the future. Thanks for reading!

RockTeethMothEyes 22 Aug 2020 05:13

The pacing here is just a little wacked out, in my opinion. There's a lot of meandering from the start and in the middle until it (pardon) shoots up towards the end. Honestly, it feels like the ending was rushed, but also ends on an unsatisfactory cliff-hanger.

Which sums up my overall feelings of the tale. Some of the more technical aspects I take some issue with. For example:

They had been in the showers, then, which was the only reason it had come up in the first place, really, and Caldwell had simply replied that he hadn't been aware that eels could snarl and that since as far as he knew they were the same clearance level so maybe Bryce should check in and make sure he wasn't reading any files he wasn't supposed to be aware of.

This is one big sentence, and there are many like it through out the entire piece (including one of the first lines about rolling up a sleeve to look at a watch). This one stood out to me in particular, because not only does it slow down the pacing significantly, but it dawdles on a moment that has no bearing on our story, save for maybe Caldwell's perspective of his colleague. Passages like these, coupled with my feelings above, brought me to a downvote.

daviiid 22 Aug 2020 08:15

Thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment! These are all extremely fair points and I'll see what I can do to fix them, particularly regarding the ending. I unfortunately do tend towards longer sentences that I'm often just plain too personally fond of to cut, so hopefully learning to let go a little will improve this at least somewhat.

Croquembouche 22 Aug 2020 15:41

Honestly, the amount of time spent describing that character specifically immediately made me think "this character is an injected memory and doesn't really exist"

J Dune 22 Aug 2020 15:28

It’s scary how likely these types of situations are. A nice look at what happens between the lines of a mainlist article. Congrats on the first article.

+1

daviiid 22 Aug 2020 16:15

Thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

A Random Day 22 Aug 2020 18:44

You set up how amnestic fuckups can occur out in the field, but leaving off on "mistakes happen" instead of then exploring how "mistakes get fixed" or even "mistakes get handled" — presumably for a sequel tale — means I feel like I've read an unfinished prologue instead of a chapter in its own right.

Last edited on 22 Aug 2020 18:45 by A Random Day Show more

Genshed 23 Aug 2020 04:11

As someone who worked in a government run healthcare program my entire career, I really identified with the protagonist here. The dialogue felt authentic and the screwup was all too believable.

Its a Bad Idea 24 Aug 2020 23:28

I like how you've manage to interpret the process of civilian amnestization (a scenario I've run through in my head dozens of times) in a realistic way. This was an enjoyable read, and I'd be interested in its continuation :D.

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