Infinite Sponge draft

Summary:

First time author looking for review

Infinite Sponge draft

destinysday 19 Aug 2020 15:25

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/destinysday
word count: 3775

This is my draft. The article details the story of how the Foundation received this scp from another world, and how the other world was affected by it. Majority of the narrative is told through audio logs.
Im mostly looking for narrative help, making sure the plot make sense, details to fix, points i missed as i was editing my draft, etc. But any review of any kind before posting would be helpful and appreciated.

http://www.scpwiki.com/forum/t-13603683
(proof of 2 greenlights)

Last edited on 19 Aug 2020 16:12 by destinysday Show more

Re: Infinite Sponge draft

Truc Linh 20 Aug 2020 16:16

PM request acknowledged.

---

T.L. at your service!

Noting that I will only address re-occurring errors once, and it will be up to you to find the rest. That said, please don't feel obligated to execute a change if you don't agree with it. :)

+ Grammar and English

Strikethrough for removal, Blue for adding, and Green for clarification.

site 19 Site-19

Site names should always be capitalized and have a hyphen in between. Noting that this is a reoccuring error.

Any wWater excreted by SCP-5XXX should be mopped cleaned

"Any" here is redundant, as the sentence works and still maintains the same meaning without it. I also felt like "cleaned" would be a better replacement for "mopped" in the area of clinical tone.

SCP-5XXX is a 16 x 11 x 5 cm yellow cleaning sponge— —.

Also, keep an eye on spacing. There is a large unnecessary gap between "sponge" and the period. Noting that extraneous spacing is a reoccuring error throughout the draft.

that to the Foundation's knowledge, appears to be is considerably infinite.

Don't tell us what the object "appears to be/do" something when it for all intents and purposes is/does that something. Scientific documentation should not be hesitant about assertions. Noting that this issue that pops up again later in the draft. Additionally, the "Foundation" is a possessive noun in this sentence, and requires an apostrophe to indicate that it possesses this "knowledge". This is also another re-occurring error.

(See Testing Logs.)

This seemed a little out of place with the sentence structure, so I think it would be better if there where parentheses or brackets surrounding it.

SCP-5XXX is always indefinitely dry.

"is always" doesn't sound very clinical tone like to me. I think "indefinitely" would be a better replacement since it has a similar meaning: for an unlimited or unspecified period of time/degree or extent.

Even after Regardless of coming into contact with liquids

Again, the clinical tone is inconsistent. "Regardless of" would come off sounding more formal while maintaining the same meaning/intent.

there is no evidence that it SCP-5XXX has ever came come into contact with any substances of any matter, as no lingering dampness will not be present.

Try to refer to the entity by its designation when possible. I also fixed the tense a little bit to hopefully make it sound more formal.

SCP-5XXX will begin to discharge water

"begin to" is unnecessary and may disrupt clinical tone consistency. The sentence works all the same without it anyway.

methods ranging from lightly poking to squeezing by hand will produce generate water

I felt like "generate" would make the sentence sound more formal rather than "produce".

As of █/██/20██, the Foundation has not been able to inflict any damage upon SCP-5XXX. Attempts were made to tear or puncture SCP-5XXX, but to no avail.

Always use a comma after an introductory phrase. Noting that this is a reoccurring error throughout the draft. Additionally, the phrase "but to no avail" is commonly separated from the independent clause by a comma.

8oz 8 oz of water.

There should be a space between a number and a unit of measurement.

Result: Water was excreted excretion from SCP-5XXX within 5 seconds. No residue or moisture is left present on SCP-5XXX.

I trimmed down the first sentence and added some words in the second to keep the tone consistent. You can use this same wording for the rest of the test logs if you wish.

7.6 liters of water.

Never forget punctuation. It's how you end a sentence. Noting that this is another re-occurring error throughout the draft.

SCP-5XXX is introduced to a 50 liter batch of fluoroantimonic acid

Remember to keep the tone consistent.

Test Log SCP-5XXX-09

Missing hyphen. Noting that missing hyphens are a re-occurring error throughout the draft.

SCP 5XXX into Exposure to a 50 liter batch of mercury

Okay, this is where the logs appear to be poorly executed. The tone is clearly not consistent.

received from the Atlantic ocean to the south western South Western coast of Ireland

You skipped a word. It just seemed choppy without the "to" to fill in the gap. I'm also pretty sure "south western" should be capitalized here.

Field agents were deployed to the surrounding areas

Again, check to make sure the sentences flow consistently.

field agents noted notice an inactive Foundation submersible vehicle

Did you mean notice? The sentence afterwards seem to consist of descriptive words.

The craft was subsequently opened, and the agents had found a sponge, a recorder with a single message, along with and several usb USB memory sticks.

I added some words to aid the flow of the sentences. Please remember that when listing objects, you end the sentence with a ", and" and the the last listed item. Noting that this is a reoccuring error. Also, I'm pretty sure "usb" should be capitalized.

Dr. Adams, head on site research Site Research specialist regarding SCP-5XXX. Oon ██/██/2021.

There should be a space between "Adams" and the comma. I also feel like "site research" should be capitalized, and the date should be a part of the one sentence.

storage wing Storage Wing B

I think that should be capitalized too.

Maybe you can learn from our mistakes, m. Maybe you’ll just have a better stroke of luck than we did. Well, no use worrying about it now. Keep 

Decided to split the sentence since there was a comma splice. Noting that this is a reoccuring error.

But for the most part, it was a non issue.

I felt like it would be natural to have a pause there.

Their message was on every t.v. T.V. channel

"t.v" should be capitalized since it's an acronym.

dinner with your mother-in-law, type of scary things

Comma is unneeded.

Because of that the world was going to be flooded, and humanity would be washed away.

Both sides of the sentences are independent clauses and require a comma and a conjunction.

sitting

Not sure if this was intentional language, but just in case it was actually a typo.

Scuba divers Divers

I think nicknames should be capitalized.

Gasps can be heard as the camera turns in the direction of three members of the crew, along with cries of profanity.

Those two phrases didn't need to be separated.

sSubject pauses to observe an unusual coral growth

Remember to check capitalization. Noting that this is a reoccuring error throughout the draft.

Subject is attempting to get back towards the shuttle.

Filled in missing word.

+ Concept Concerns

Even after coming into contact with liquids, either through excretion or other methods, there is no evidence that it ever came into contact with any substances, as no lingering dampness will be present.

This entire sentence is contradicting. So it can come into contact with liquids, but there is no evidence that it ever has??? Also, excretion means expelling waste matter, so I don't really see it as a method of "coming into contact with liquids". Did you meant absorption?

█/██/20██

For consistency, this should be "██/██/20██".

the Foundation has not been able to inflict any damage upon SCP-5XXX. Attempts were made to tear or puncture SCP-5XXX but to no avail.

What are they trying to gain from trying to damage or tear the SCP, and why? This might be better off in the description as "indestructable", or "extremely durable".

Moving on to the test logs, the formatting could use a little re-work. Put the test log entry titles in bold. For the most part, the tests in general just all seems incredibly sloppy, repetitive, confusing, and all together, mundane and unnecessary info…? I'm struggling to see what the significance of what these tests are for and what the Foundation is trying to gain from them. They're literally just seeing how fast the sponge can fulfill the target production. Is this supposed to add the initial plot? Additionally, why were most of the test logs corrupted?

5 million liters of water after being placed in a conjoined Olympic sized swimming pool(ie twice the size of a standard Olympic swimming pool)

If the total liters of water here equals twice the size of a standard Olympic swimming pool, then the mentioning of the pool itself is extraneous.

The acid was absorbed into SCP-5XXX over a 10 second period and subsequently excreted as salt water over the next five seconds.

Why wasn't it mentioned in the description that sponge had the capability to convert liquids?

As for the addendums, I think it would be better if you included the dates into the collapsible right after the "Addendum-XX". With that said, I think you should search up the basic formatting for the all the logs and addendums since what you currently have looks quite messy.

(The voice of a man estimated to be in his mid to late 50s begins to speak.)

I feel like this is redundant and doesn't add to the overall plot.

the SCP Foundation made themselves known, everyone was pretty skeptical. Their message was on every t.v. channel, radio and computer. These people supposedly worked to protect humanity from the horrors and monstrosities that people couldn't imagine. Real eldritch, stuff of nightmare, dinner with your mother-in-law, type of scary things. But they failed. Their message talked about how one of the things they had locked away wasn't contained properly. Because of that the world was going to be flooded and humanity would be washed away.

If this happened, then why is this the only log about it? How did the Foundation find his recording? Plus, wouldn't they have SCP-2000 if something liked this happened? How far back was this event? Also, this guy's language is inconsistent. Why his recording of all people too?

let people on ships at select places up and down coastal countries select places

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by select places. You also have it repeated twice in the same sentence.

Personal recordings of subject D-1283, Jared Matthews

Okay, so if he was D-Class all along, why didn't the previous mention this?

Concerning Audio Log-05, I find it awkward that he was recording himself getting detained, and it just feels like something people wouldn't do in his situation.

Vital signs from subjects' suits indicate several cracked ribs, a shattered left wrist and a high probability of a concussion.

I personally don't think he'll be going anywhere after that.

Overall, everything after the description seemed very sloppy and all over the place, making it confusing. Definitely search up the proper format for your logs and addendums, and do a bit of re-organizing. As for the plot itself, it's definitely interesting, but it's the execution that's holding it back. You've given us the events in the audio logs on how the sponge caused massive hysteria, but there's not enough detail to make me feel what the in-universe people are going through during that time, nor what Matthews is feeling. The story flow could definitely be much better. There's also just too much extraneous info that draws away from the initial focus, so I recommend trimming some minor things down 'cause there's A LOT you are throwing at the audience, making the entire draft drag on and hard to keep reading. Try to address as much as the concerns possible. I know it's a lot, but best of luck.

If you have any questions or concerns regarding my critique, please let me know. You are welcome to PM me for another look (I tend to focus more with narrative on my second look), or you may follow up with someone from the Butterfly Squad Roster or IRC Chat rooms.

Last edited on 22 Aug 2020 01:34 by Truc Linh Show more

Re: Infinite Sponge draft

destinysday 22 Aug 2020 02:24

Hey, thanks for taking the time to critique my draft. I knew there were going to be somethings to fix, so I'll definitely be sure to go over everything you mentioned to improve the draft before doing anything else. Thanks again.

Re: Infinite Sponge draft

OCuin 21 Aug 2020 22:23

[Placeholder from PM]

Going to be completely upfront on this one, this is going to need a lot of work before it's ready for the mainsite.

[+] Critique

The first and most obvious issue with this draft is the poor formatting. Brackets are opened without being closed, spacing is inconsistent, asterisks are strewn about randomly, square brackets are placed around random sections of text, etc. This could also seriously do with quote blocks for the various logs - it makes them easier to differentiate from the rest of the document and it's easier to read with them. The formatting of this makes it legitimately difficult to read for me. I'd recommend looking at some articles similarly heavy with logs to see how they format them. For many formatting issues though, some cursory proofreading is all you would need.

There are also similar issues with SPaG. Again, a cursory proofread would really help. Alternatively, if you struggle with catching your own errors, software such as Grammarly or MS Word can help in catching errors. I'd list examples but they've already been provided by Truc Linh, along with corrections.

What's the purpose of these testing logs? They tell me virtually nothing about the anomaly that hasn't already been communicated in the description or that should have been communicated in the description. Stuff like this needs to either further the narrative or the reader's understanding of the anomaly; these logs do neither. They're not interesting to read and they don't further any particular aspect of the story. My honest recommendation would be to cut them.

The story is told in a very standard manner, and to me at least, isn't particularly interesting. The "twist" of the O5 council living in luxury, whilst subtly delivered, is very predictable, as is really the whole narrative arc. The initial premise of a sponge flooding the whole world is fine on a practical level, but personally, it's just a bit too ridiculous, and the story here mostly plays it completely straight, so it doesn't really work for me. I never really cared about Matthews and his characterisation, in general, felt very standard. He didn't feel much like a person, just a set of attributes that responded in an expected way to the end of the world. Given his character is the centre of the story, this feels like a fairly large issue.

The presentation, again, is a bit of a problem for me. It's almost verging on being a tale hiding within the SCP format because there's very little use made of the SCP format in service of the story - most of the story is told in a diary entry that neither takes advantage of what that format is capable nor feels particularly interesting to read. I'd really recommend thinking about how you can tell this story in a more unique way. What elements could be conveyed outside of the format? How can Matthew's character be introduced and his story told without relying so heavily on hearing it directly from his mouth? How can we learn the major world events without just being told them? There's a real problem with telling the reader everything rather than showing them, and it's exacerbated by the presentation of the narrative.

Beyond the changes in the presentation, my main thing would be to rethink about how you want to pay off the narrative - the O5 council reveal/final log is too predictable and standard an ending and it doesn't really act as satisfying payoff on any of the narrative events. It feels disconnected from the focus of the story, given we spend so much time with Matthew's, but the ending of the story is focused on payoff for the worldbuilding and plot rather than the character. With improvements on that, the presentation, and the SPaG and formatting, this would be a much stronger piece.

Last edited on 23 Aug 2020 20:38 by OCuin Show more