Unconventional Reverse Time Capsule (Second Tab)
Unconventional Reverse Time Capsule (Second Tab)
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Summary:
A bird that eats things in the future and vomits them in the past.
SCP XXXX is a female Balaeniceps Rex with average health and weight for members of its species.
Not quite sure I like how this sounds, perhaps something like "SCP-XXXX is a female Balaeniceps Rex typical of its species" or something along that nature?
(Also, don't forget the dash between SCP and XXXX ^^)
While the original pitch is interesting, I can't say this draft did it for me overall.
The main elephant in the room is that the draft seems to be stuck in an old time period in terms of the redactions. The short answer is that unnecessary redactions tend to disrupt the flow of the article to very little positive effect. The feeling you want to emulate, being the mystery of what's behind the blackboxes, is lost very quickly if a) you redact unnecessarily and b) you redact willy-nilly.
For the long answer, consider reading The Black and White of Blackboxing by MalyceGraves.
The logs were also messy to read from the lack of proper formatting, which I can only assume was a time constraint? Aside from the aforementioned formatting, consider using italics and bold text.
Finally, while I can see what the intended effect was, I'll reiterate again that the draft didn't really do it for me. Only the final log deals with the conceptual meat of the article, and doesn't really do so in a way that gets the idea across particularly satisfyingly or well? I just feel like it's missing something; and extra chunk of text, a line, an addendum, anything to hint at something more. (And, preferably, something that isn't 682)
(As an aside, you fail to mention what an SCP-XXXX-A incident is. I get that was the idea, but I don't really see the point? It's just a side plot that goes nowhere.)
I'm considering placing the article in an earlier timeline and having the bird be responsible for the foundation's origin as opposed to being used by prometheus labs. Do you think this would be a better fit? Perhaps someone sent messages back in time through the bird to warn of certain anomalies? I know it's a little late to switch up ideas like that but I think it might work a little better.
That might work, it also might not.
However, taking the concept into "origins of the Foundation" territory is a tremendously ambitious leap that I can't say will work out well in my eyes. Like, I'm always under the belief that nothing is completely impossible, but having the origin of the Foundation just casually in an article would just feel… strange, more than anything else. Especially if you're reconstructing said article to fit the bill rather than creating one with the idea in mind. Trying to strap firework to your car to make it seem more flashy will only net you with a broken pile of scrap.
Perhaps someone sent messages back in time through the bird to warn of certain anomalies?
Maybe? But you have to ask how you're going to get that idea across well, by cross-linking or just random hints? Once again, I can't say I'm confident.
As I said, and I'll reiterate, I could see what the intended effect was, and it just needs that something to make it truly work. Making huge changes to the core of the SCP like this is unnecessary at best, and will probably dig you into a huge hole.
Ok, I think I have an idea of where to send the story- the future bird is in possession of a sort of 'renegade foundation,' future, where mass containment breaches have occurred due to an unknown scp, and the remains of the foundation have devoted all their resources to sending information back in time through this bird. However, present foundation is unsure of whether this information is actually from the future or not, and neglects to do anything about it, with the 'twist' of the article being that the researcher on the project flees with the bird and gives it over to the chaos in hopes they will prevent the scenario.
Placeholder! Got summoned via PM to take a look-see. Will crit in a bit.
Alright, here’s my take.
In its current iteration, I’m still seeing quite a few issues that Naveil has already pointed out. I’ll go through them.
First off, I’m still seeing quite a few unnecessary redactions and black-boxes. As MalyceGraves points out in their excellent guide, black-boxes aggressively draw the eye and should be used with extreme care. When it comes to redaction, it’s important to ask yourself: why is this being redacted? What would it say otherwise?
As for the mentioned messiness, I’m still seeing general formatting and spelling errors. I’d suggest either going through it carefully or plugging the draft into Grammar.ly or a similar editing application.
Finally, I’d like to agree with the previous critiquer that there’s something missing in this article. I think it might have to do with the lack of a cohesive narrative or theme throughout. What are we supposed to care about here? The bird? The collapse of Prometheus Labs? The upcoming world-ending anomaly? Nothing is given sufficient attention in this article to create an emotional connection or tension for the reader. Considering how many apocalypses this site features in its various canons, the ending addenda don’t have as much power as the article seems to assume they do.
If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.
I think the best route to go for this article would be the 093 route- that is, to focus more on the parallel world than the potentially world ending event. I could write more journal entries, or have the skip produce audio and video logs. What do you think would be the most effective way to build this world, as the foundation can't send anybody there?
I'm frankly not sure. Sussing out the actual details of the parallel world is non-specific enough that I doubt I'd be much help. What I can do, however, is ask some questions that might help you figure out what you'd like to do.
- What's the difference between their world and the 'main' Foundation's?
- If it's the same world but temporally displaced, will sending the messages back change anything?
- What's the motive behind sending things back?
I know these might seem generic, but I'm hoping they help shift something in your mind.
Taking a second look by request.
I do think that you've narrowed down the focus a bit. However, it still doesn't feel like there's much tension to your story. I believe this is partly due to the scope of your narrative; you've got a world-ending anomaly and time-traveling documents, but your entire storyline is stuffed into one short addendum.
Speaking of your storyline, I'm not so sure what I'm supposed to feel about the ending. Another consequence of a story with a massive scope is that it takes a careful ending to wrap everything up in a way that leaves the reader feeling satisfied. Ending on the Containment Procedures with no further detail doesn't feel very conclusive for me.
Finally, your new additions could use a once-over when it comes to formatting. At the moment, there's a lot of endless paragraphs with no format that are rather difficult to parse through.
I've tried to expand the story a little bit, as well as give it a more fulfilling, but open, ending. I've broken up the 'text walls' into smaller paragraphs. I'd like if you checked over the stuff beyond the special containment procedures. I've also tried to expand the world of the foundation a little bit by teasing a GOI that I'm working on. Down the line I might write documents that lean more heavily on it, but for now, the QUARR will remain in the Foundation's shadow.
Placeholder! Got asked to take a second look. Will crit in a bit.
First off, I’m still having some issues reading this with the current formatting. To give an example, the SD card log is written like a combination of an interview log and prose. It hampers legibility greatly.
As for what you’ve added, I can’t say it contributes much to the story. From what I can tell, what you have here is a narrated list of random aspects about the dangerous anomaly with no real flow or escalation. In addition, I’m not really seeing a need to include the QUARR, as currently its inclusion does nothing but complicate a narrative that already seems to be quite complex.
I should mention that at this point, there’s certainly a possibility I’ve seen this too often to make objective comments on it anymore. If that’s the case, please feel free to reach out to other critters for second opinions.
If you respond to this comment and would like me to see it, please send me a Wikidot PM, as I will not be notified otherwise.
I think my biggest issue with this is it just feels…very passive? Cos of the framing of like all the important stuff being passed back from the future as notes, there's not really a sense of like…the Foundation actively doing anything here; and the one time it seems like they do, they quickly give up and go back to twiddling their thumbs and it just feels…uninteresting.
In particular, tying this into a generic big spooky scp and using that as the sole source of conflict here feels really underwhelming, just because there's inherently a big deal of remoteness from this danger: like, it's in the future, it's unclear if it'll happen, the actual stakes if it does happen are unclear. Like you mention it's "Not world ending. World reshaping. A world reshaping anomaly." but there's not really any like indication of what this means?
I think for this to work, it needs more sort of…flicking from past to future: like, develop the prometheus labs stuff at the start less cos it's not very relevant, just have this be recovered from a raid and then you don't have to worry about questions like 'why does it take over a year for the foundation to grab this thing' and stuff. And then like…instead of dumping all the future notes at once, have them separated: have the current foundation do things after receiving them, and have the future notes refer to things the foundation has already done/put in motion and their effect and like…build the threat that way: have this like iterative design where they start on a shitty containment cell, the big thing breaks out and progressively it gets better and better until it works or something, y'know? Like, really allude to the notes from the future and the actions here changing the future; or alternatively…really lean into the idea that nothing we do now is helping, y'know?
Either way: the stuff from the future and the actions now should occur alternately and both should reflect each other.
Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and green text to indicate stuff to add.
with gamma resistant walls.
do you mean 'gamma radiation'?
All personnel stationed in site wing 4B are to be issued with full hazmat gear and provided with Geiger counters and standard light-level armament.
Where is 'site wing 4B' in relation to the 'underground bunker' the SCP is stored within?
My concern here is that it makes it sound like the containment procedures aren't very effective and that in turn raises the question of why more like radiation shielding wasn't added
SCP-XXXX is a female Balaeniceps Rex typical of its species.
I'd probably add a footnote here to indicate what a Balaeniceps Rex is
SCP-XXXX's beak contains a microchip of unknown origin that produces large amounts of gamma radiation through a currently unknown process hereafter classified as a Class-A incident.
This is a really janky sentence because up to the 'hereafter' implies 'this is a continuous, ongoing thing', whereas designating it as a Class-A incident indicates 'this is a sporadic event' and it needs cleaned up to so it indicates like…how often this process happens
SCP-XXXX will regurgitate between one and four instances of SCP-XXXX-1.
You have to define -1 before using the designation: saying it regurgitates between one and four inanimate objects of unknown origin would be more effective so we have some idea of what that is.
most often anomalous pieces of technology and components of machinery, many of which are compatible with items in Prometheus Labs confiscation vaults 1A, 36G, 45I and 47█.
Generally I'm not a fan of lengthy struckthrough sections, particularly when there's not a clear idea of why they've been struckthrough at the time and particularly when they include key information that contextualises what is happening
Standard anomalous item recovery and radiation safety procedure 112-G is to be enacted after SCP-XXXX's microchip ceases radioactivity.
This is something which should be in the conprocs.
SCP-XXXX was recovered in 1999 during a raid on an abandoned Prometheus Labs facility in Butare, Rwanda. SCP-XXXX was found severely malnourished and injured, presumably having been trapped in the facility for several months.
This just…feels weird? Like why didn't they raid the facility for several months? Why didn't Prometheus Labs do a more thorough decommissioning?
The facility was heavily contaminated presumably due to an unrecorded number of Class-A incidents before discovery.
Contaminated with what? I don't believe gamma radiation tends to stick around long since it's y'know, high energy photons, so the room shouldn't be heavily contaminated with it unless there's a radiation source other than the SCP.
as well as a █████ brand computer drive with a set of files dedicated to logs of the facility's construction
I feel like you could rephrase to 'hard drive' to avoid having an unnecessary blackbox here.
See addendum XXXX-1 for recovered documents.
cut this. The addendum is right after this so we don't need a sentence saying 'read this for recovered documents' followed by a title saying 'recovered documents'.
They'll have my head for this, but I know the ones who will take the best care of her will be The Foundation.
this is dated to a year at least before the foundation raided this place so did this doctor like….just do the worst job of this?
Incident Timeline
This feels like a weird combination of awkwardly expository and awkwardly uninformative? Like there's a hint that at some point, something happened to cause the O5 council to sequester it away but there's not really like…enough here for us to even begin speculating on why, y'know?
The following document was produced by SCP-XXXX during a Class-A incident.
When?
The problem with this is that it feels like it needs to be contextualised based on the unknown incident in the previous log except we're given so little information that we can't tell if this is the cause of it or a result of it or both or what.
The following document is transcribed from an SD card produced by SCP-XXXX during a Class-A incident.
This document is in dire need of empty lines between the paragraphs to space it out: adding a space after the > on a line will let you put one in (or you can use "[[div class="blockquote"]]" at the start and "[[/div]]" at the end to not need to worry about having every line start with "> ")
and the foundation is authorized to attempt termination if SCP-14821 is not recontained within three hours of reaching land.
this is kinda clunky but it also completely undercuts the danger: if SCP-14821 is so dangerous, it feels like the foundation should attempt termination much sooner than this.
Under order of 05-4, the construction of site 212 has begun. However, due to lack of items or documents produced by SCP-XXXX, it has been halted until further notice.
as an ending, this is just…really anticlimactic?
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page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
