The concept:
Elevator Pitch: A Mansion which through temporal anomalies is indescribably ancient. It is capable of interacting with time in such a way that it perpetually gets older, as if it’s traveling through time in reverse and forwards at the same time.
I'm not seeing much on how the anomaly itself originated, what its original purpose was/is and how the Foundation comes into contact with it. Granted these points don't need to be covered in extreme detail, they should at least be given some sort of clarification/explanation considering the story goes into the houses creation, the owner and what happens to him (ish). -The lack of info around the skip itself makes the skip feel a bit flat, as there isn't much behind the effects.
As for the effects, they feel a bit confusing/vague to me, while I understand its a temporal anomaly, I'm not sure what exactly it does (from what I understand it exists in the past and present?).- the only explanation I really get is fairly vague, and I'm concerned on how you would go about describing its effects in a clinical tone.
The narrative:
Central Narrative: The central narrative deals with the eccentric individual who built the mansion, a person who slowly becomes more and more a part of the mansion in their quest to understand the beginning and end of everything. There's also the possibility of dealing with the effects of the mansion being something that travels through time in a fundamentally different way.
The story doesn't sound like much of story, more so a middle act/with some additional info on the skip sprinkled in. The Foundation doesn't seem to be mentioned at all, which confuses me as they are the ones writing the article. So I'm unsure of when/how the house was discovered, how the Foundation finds out about the original owner, and the Foundation what they end up doing with the skip. Overall, the lack of the Foundation and a clear progression of events makes this feel unfinished.
I would recommend you look at implementing a clearer series of events, that details what happens to the owner, and how he "becomes one with the house". I would also recommend you start thinking about how you want the audience to feel, and how you could go about conveying that message/emotion. -its much easier to become invested in articles that make the audience feel something, wether it be sadness, fear, happiness, morals ect.
-As a quick note, I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "a person who slowly becomes more and more a part of the mansion in their quest to understand the beginning and end of everything.". To me this sounds fairly vague and hard to follow, not to mention the effects don't seem to be given a concrete origin. From what I understand they juts kind of appear, with no indication or warning?
Hook:
Hook/Attention-Grabber: Weird mind-bending time stuff. Basically the premise of this idea is something capable of traveling in both directions of time simultaneously. Most things go through time from present to future, but this mansion also moves backward, from present to past at the same time.
The pitch seems to rely heavily on the temporal aspect of the skip. Which personally speaking, isn't really enough of an attention grabber, while the effects are important, its equally as important to show how everything reacts to said "effects". Weather it be through the characters and their decisions, or the world around them.
Final thoughts: (first rendition)
-I would recommend you elaborate on the Foundations interacts with the skip, as currently they don't seem to be mentioned or referenced whatsoever. The skip itself could do with some more clarification in general, as the effects are a little hard to understand, and the skip seems mostly built on its effects.
If you would like me to give this further advice/feedback, then feel welcome to shoot me a PM or ask via IRC. response times generally range from 2-12 hours over PMs. If your looking for additional critiques in general, then I couldn't recommend the Butterfly squad more:)
