For posterity's sake, I'm going to use [brackets] to signify adding words/point out specific wording, and strikethroughs to signify removing a word. I'll also note that I may miss some stuff here and there.
It was an amalgam of stainless steel and plexiglass and its weight had a visible impact on the posterity of the back of the cargo truck.
The use of [and] here makes the sentence structure a bit weird, maybe switch it up a bit.
"To be honest I didn't really have faith I would ever get this far so I neglected to plan ahead."
I'd change this to: "To be honest[,] I really didn't have faith I'd get this far, so I neglected to plan ahead."
"No luck? I asked
I'd change this to: "No luck?["] I asked.
"Now we get some help."
I'd change this to: "Now We get some help."
"Do you have clearance to conscript guards?"
Change to: "Do you [even] have clearance to conscript guards?"
No, I technically don't even work for this place, do you?
I think you're missing commas here, unless that's me.
No, but we are going to need it, and I don't know about you, but I am not keen on spending any more time than I have to out here.
Same thing here, missing commas maybe? As well as, the swift reappearance of "No," throws me off a bit, maybe change up the wording to something like: "Nope, but we're going to need it. And I don't know about you, but I am not keen on spending any more time than I have to."
It was bright midsummer day with incredibly high humidity, Both Richard and I were drenched in sweat.
[Both] is capitalized unnecessarily here. Also, the beginning part is missing a word: "It was [a] bright midsummer day …"
Its patches were mostly furred when we left Jersey but over the course of our journey it had been shifting individual patches to brightly colored Hide, mostly elephant and pig, and the left side of its body now housed a heron wing, which it was desperately trying to flap about to help circulate the flow of air.
The sentence structure feels a bit weird here.
Richard adjusted his WWS hat and walked up to the creature’s cage putting his hand on the plexiglass wall and muttered something under his breath.
"Richard adjusted his WWS hat and walked up to the creature's cage[,] putting his hand on the plexiglass wall while muttering something under his breath."
"What was that?" The hum of mosquitoes had drowned out his words
Missing a period.
"When I say 'guy' I don't mean… actually you know what? You're not worth explaining myself too. Just stay in your goddamn lane, ok asshole?"
The quick change of tone feels a bit off, he goes from a bit unsettled to straight disapproval.
“My god you are magnificent!”
"My god, you are magnificent!"
“Oh my god!” I exclaimed
I think the exclamation mark here feels a bit off, despite it being [I exclaimed].
“He’s is marvelous”
[He's] should be [He].
“That’s human skin”
Missing a period.
I decided to do some snooping while he was gone. I approached his beaten-up pick-up truck.
You could connect these sentences.
At one point it must have been white but the last time it looked like that must have been at least 20 years ago.
"At one point it must have been white[,] but the last time it looked like that must have been [was] at least 20 years ago."
"Too many!" I hissed
Missing another period.
I'll stop here with the LBL, since most of my concerns are grammar mistakes and paragraphs that could use rewording.
