This is a rewrite of Decibelle's contest entry. Thanks to Decibelle for allowing me to work with her on this. Hope y'all enjoy it.
All screenshots of the old article, as well as the old discussion, are up. If you want to compare, you can do so! I also have it up in my sandbox, if it's easier to read there.
To promote translations of my work and thank all the authors for their hard work, I am linking to them here in addition to my author page.
- Chinese by Melody
- Japanese by
gnmaee
- Russian by
4opHbIu_6o6p
Thank you all!
I can get behind this, but I sorely miss the "I'm 27 years old." shock of the original.
I don't like that they have my name. :/ Otherwise this is fairly chilling.
I wouldn't think that the Foundation would let the document keep the town that the skip is in w/o censoring it?
No reason to censor that, and its pertinent to containment since it teleports there.
I still don't get it.
Or rather, I get it, but I feel nothing, and am wondering what about this I was supposed to get in order to feel something, and likewise feel that the article is a failure because of all this.
Just collapsing this whole thing, since it doesn't break out well:
I could have sworn I left a comment on this in the original form. I guess not. I think the effect is clearer in this version, and I like the containment procedures, although they're perhaps still too abstract. That is to say, the Containment Procedures really don't make sense until you've read the description. I liked the bit about Foundation personnel not entering the area, although when I eventually discovered why, it oddly really didn't have any oomph to it.
Ultimately, I greatly preferred the old version. The escape note was the hardest-hitting part of that piece, and as Djoric suggests, the article is emotionally hollow in the current form. It almost feels like you've rolled back time on the original post, giving us a prequel to the neutralized version. I guess the Neutralized classification complicated an idea that was apparently difficult to get across, and I can see why you rolled it back, but this just doesn't have the heart.
I'm not a fan of the prequel. There's the old saw that you should ask yourself if you're writing about the most interesting period of your character's life, and, if not, to write that. You might be able to implement the same events with an Addendum saying that reclassification is pending. Right now… no vote, in hopes of edits.
There's the old saw that you should ask yourself if you're writing about the most interesting period of your character's life, and, if not, to write that.
I've actually never heard that before, but it's great advice, so I'm just going to swoop in here and steal it for myself. *swoop* Thanks!
Not amazing, but I really like the final detail about the doll. I have to wonder if they repeat the same events at home, or just reset back to a certain point in their lives to live the day over again, whatever day that might be.