SCP-5543 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-5543.

Thanks for the critiques!

StardustPrismatic 08 Jul 2020 05:59

I've been sitting on this for years now, I think. I wanted to just finally pull the trigger and get it out there. Let it thrive or die!

I wanted to especially thank Zachary Maxwell for providing me with some great feedback on this! It really helped me trim down the fat and hopefully make this worthy of existing on the site.

I also want to thank Ocean Man and Hazootoo for giving me some further insight, too!

I came up with this one after hearing anecdotes about a man who would answer found pet ads in the newspaper for animals that weren't his own. He would take the animals home and eat them. It may very well be a urban legend, but it made me think about the value we place on our animal companions and the value others might place on them.

Lastly, the article image is made entirely by me. It includes a picture of my cat. I surrender the rights of it to the SCP Foundation Wiki.

Last edited on 08 Jul 2020 06:16 by StardustPrismatic Show more

DrAkimoto 08 Jul 2020 12:50

Okay so let's see what you got,

some things

ConProcs: While not as bad as I've seen there are some unnecessary aspects, and quite a few short choppy sentences. This could've been fixed by adding more sentence variety and really focus only on what's needed for containment. Also, I'd feel wrong if I did not mention that conprocs are a perfect opportunity to hook the reader right away, and this fails to do that.

Description: This is probably the weakest aspect of this article, mostly due to the odd and mostly confusing phrasing and designation used.

Discovery: This section does little for the article, but you at least kept it short.

Addendum: I don't know what this was trying to do, but it fell flat as natural dialogue, as coherent dialogue, and as a satisfying ending to the piece.

Overall, I can tell you put some amount of effort into this, but I feel like you misplaced your efforts in some aspects. Your clinical tone wavers in spots, the way you've designated and described things could be better, and most importantly your narrative, or lack thereof, really didn't help the article.

You could've greatly benefited from utilizing the critique methods made available by the wiki (i.e. the idea and draft forums, butterfly squad, thecritters IRC channel), to make this idea all it could be. The idea at its core is simple but could have made for a much more compelling and coherent article if executed properly. This is gonna have to be a -1 from me, I suggest using better critique outlets in the future.

Hydrails-EPSILON 08 Jul 2020 17:32

Hmmmm….

How should I say this?

I think the anomaly is interesting (some entity that wants to turn your animals into money for some unknown and most likely ungodly reason)

But it gets buried under a description that is way too long and could be greatly shortened.

Novote

Uncle Nicolini 08 Jul 2020 18:30

This is a fun idea that unfortunately gets buried under an overly convoluted description. i would follow akimoto's advice and get some more critters to look at this before you repost it. I could see myself upvoting this if the description were trimmed down on and the discovery log was removed. i can tell you put in a lot of effort, but don't get discouraged.

LordKingsley 09 Jul 2020 09:31

This is genuinely such a great concept and I adore it. I have to echo the previous statements along with a light criticism; Why are there so many blackboxes? There was a recent guide written on how to use these appropriately, but right now it kind of kills the flow and just exudes that you didn't really want to think that far with specific parts. When I read articles, I try to hold the immersion that I'm an actual employee reading these articles. For now, I won't downvote it or upvote it, as I can tell there is a lot of care put into this draft, but it definitely needs improvements. Again, really enjoy the concept.

feedback :0

sushicat 09 Jul 2020 10:40

It's certainly an interesting concept for an SCP, but it's buried underneath a very lengthy description that I think can be greatly shortened. I also must say that there are many unnecessary blackboxes that kill the flow of the article.

Overall, the concept is good and I can see that lots of effort was put into this, but the SCP is poorly written. -1
However, I hope you find this feedback helpful. :)

Junior Staff Post - Open

Cerastes 24 Jul 2020 19:53

Noting that the image is made by the author and thus assumed to be CC BY-SA 3.0 compliant.

RogerWiki 20 Dec 2020 08:00

I like it quite a lot. It might be a bit too long for what it needs to do, but not egregiously-so, in my opinion. It succeeded in making me wonder 'how the heck is this Keter?' all the way to the end, so well done with that.

Revisions

StardustPrismatic 08 Sep 2021 02:09

After procrastinating on this for far too long, I've come back with fresh new eyes to make my revisions. Initially, I think I added too much quirk and mistook it for substance. And I bogged myself down too with the nitty-gritty of things. I just hope I haven't swung too far in the other direction and removed the flavor that people actually enjoyed in this article.

I've hopefully addressed the critiques folks have kindly provided me here, the majority of which involved trimming the fat to increase coherence. I've done away with most of my black boxes, cut any unnecessary info, and moved ancillary info to the footnotes.

Once again, thanks to everyone here for your much-needed feedback! I hope I've done it justice.

Last edited on 08 Sep 2021 17:01 by StardustPrismatic Show more

Zyn 09 Sep 2021 07:26

Author, the image for your article is 2.31 MB, which is unnecessarily large and may take awhile to load on mobile devices (and can be a deterrent for readers with limited data plans).

Would you like assistance with shrinking the image down? (Please send me a wikidot PM if so.)

ETA: confirming that I received the PM! The resized image is now about 112 kb, and should load pretty quickly on mobile devices.

Last edited on 10 Sep 2021 05:01 by Zyn Show more