This is a story about revelations, irony, and the difficulties involved in forming working relationships at all levels of an organisation.
Thanks very much to Eskobar and to Mr Wrong for their thoughts and comments on the forums.
SCP-2138 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2138.
I don't like this very much, however there are no errors whatsoever. I think it relies too much on the story behind the SCP instead of the SCP itself. The second incident also isn't too clear to me. Is the D-class which had no identification number Dr Isaacs? Else i don't see how that incident is related to the SCP at all. I noticed the D-class who got assaulted was the one the tests were conducted on, however i don't think it is still relevant enough to be put in an incident log. No vote for now. Perhaps you should elaborate more the SCP itself and move the Dr Isaacs thing in a tale?
I noticed the D-class who got assaulted was the one the tests were conducted on, however i don't think it is still relevant enough to be put in an incident log.
I tried to make the relevance clear at the end of the Containment Procedures - as a result of that Incident -2, there are no more -A instances available for study.
Sorry that you didn't like it.
(account deleted)The other D-class was the doctor.
I like the concept (gas that tells others your secrets, cool). I really like the story (a researcher who actually cares a bit for a D-Class? That's awesome).
But I don't think they mix together very well. You got a ton of potential in each other, but the article doesn't explore them, the skip feels almost like a plot device (and not in a good way). This would be a pretty awesome tale, maybe one that involves an anomalous object or phenomenon instead of an SCP?
On the other hand, it is very well written (though the beginning of the debriefing feels a bit forced). No vote.
In a single post, so as not to get too spammy:
It's a simple object with a good story to back it up.
Thanks Roget.
And this is where I upvoted.
Just as well - it's the last line of the skip!
You got a ton of potential in each other, but the article doesn't explore them
That is partly deliberate. The concept behind the article is how clinical documents can obscure the personal stories behind them. That is compromised somewhat by having a transcript of the SD / Isaacs meeting (it was originally written as brief meeting notes), but you'll notice that even that is merely recording the results of an earlier, more heated discussion. So unfortunately the concept I was setting out to explore isn't particularly compatible with more exploration of the anomaly itself. Sorry that didn't work from your perspective.
That said, I'm always interested to hear other takes - what direction would you have taken the basic idea?
Uhh, that depends, are we talking about the skip, the story of the Doctor or the general concept of the dehumanizing of the people involved within the clinical documents (which, for the record I find a quite neat idea).
- The skip: I would change the story completely. Depending on what feeling I want to give, I would emphatize the danger it presents toward the society or how many secrets the Foundation's personnel keep to each other. Would add something about its past too, maybe it was created by someone who wanted a more honest world?
- The story: This would make a sick tale. I would jump between brief memos stating the doctor daily life in a cold, Gears-like style and then tell the story from the doctor's perspective (that's a personal taste though).
- The concept: You know, the concept works pretty fine tying up everything, I would only change the skip. Not it's effects, but what it is; instead of a gas that broadcasts your secrets… I don't know, a document? A work form? Something that gives hints of the theme, and serves as foreshadowing (I am a bit slow understanding fridge logic, right? Don't hate me)
So if you raise your hands and wave them around you have a heart attack?
I greatly enjoyed the story, but I have to slightly agree with J6 that the SCP itself is pretty meh.
Even so, +1.
I like the concept well enough, but there are some tonal issues that keep me at a no vote.
It is unknown as to whether SCP-2138 has the same anomalous effect on all sapient entities.
"unknown as to whether" is a really weird way to word this. It's not necessarily wrong, it just feels a bit off. It's the kind of thing I'd write when trying to hit page limits in high school.
"I pretend to like D-4435 but actually he disgusts me"
It took some mulling over to realize the purpose of this line, which isn't a bad thing. I'm really not convinced the D Classes refer to each other by their designation, though. Maybe put a name and use a footnote to indicate their designation. This is also a line where the tone bugs me, mostly because I can't think of anyone who actually thinks a sentence like that. That brings me to my next point…
The shape displays a series of short statements in bright yellow text, with the series repeating over time. Each statement discloses information known to the subject alone, or to the subject and a limited set of others.
So that's anomalous, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have to be well-defined. Is the text that shows up from the person's thoughts or is there some extra-dimensional telepathic entity pulling this information from the afflicted person's mind, parsing it, then putting it on the screen? The first person examples imply they're being broadcast from the subject's thoughts, in which case there should probably be a difference in how they look between a D Class and a doctor.
Dr Isaacs
Dr. Issacs.
SCP-██
More of a personal thing, but even double digit SCPs are referred to with three digits, so you should have either one or two more blackboxes there. I get the feeling you were referencing 055, and if so I give you a few points for being cheeky.
Dr Isaacs enters the testing chamber, removes the respirator from D-13962 and commences CPR.
Someone just died because of this gas which is known to have a high rate of diffusion, and the doctor just runs into the room? I'm having trouble buying that, especially given that there's no proof that touching the screen killed him and not just exposure to the gas.
Like I said, I'm at a no vote for now, because I don't think this is beyond hope. It annoys me because it's teetering on the edge of being something I really enjoy, but the tone issues in general and the things I wrote about above in particular keep pulling me out of it.
Thanks very much for the detailed comments. I really appreciate you taking the time.
there are some tonal issues that keep me at a no vote
Are these the examples you've given, or are there others? Tone is particularly important to me for this one, as noted above, so I'd be keen to fix anything that is off.
"unknown as to whether" is a really weird way to word this
Fair enough - reworded slightly.
I'm really not convinced the D Classes refer to each other by their designation, though … This is also a line where the tone bugs me, mostly because I can't think of anyone who actually thinks a sentence like that.
I've tried to rework the language (I wonder whether "actually" was the biggest problem), but I'm afraid that using names and footnotes will add one layer of complexity too far.
Is the text that shows up from the person's thoughts or is there some extra-dimensional telepathic entity pulling this information from the afflicted person's mind, parsing it, then putting it on the screen?
To the extent that I've thought it through (ie not that much) it is a direct stream from the part of the conscious mind that keeps secrets. Not actual thoughts (which would be much less concrete) so much as the form those thoughts would take if they had to be written down. But I don't think the Foundation has any way of knowing this for sure - the data they have is patchy at best, so I don't think I can legitimately explain how the anomaly operates.
Dr. Issacs
Was it the "." or the double-"s" that you would like changed? I've only ever seen the name spelled "Isaacs".
you should have either one or two more blackboxes there
You are of course entirely correct, and I've added another box. I hate blackboxes, as I always think they look too long for the characters they're meant to be replacing. And sorry, I get no points for cheekiness, as I didn't have a particular SCP in mind for the reference.
Someone just died because of this gas which is known to have a high rate of diffusion, and the doctor just runs into the room? I'm having trouble buying that, especially given that there's no proof that touching the screen killed him and not just exposure to the gas.
This is obviously the most critical point of the narrative - the fulcrum on which the whole article turns. Eskobar was also highly critical of how this was written (in a weaker early version). Obviously the reckless failure to follow procedure (due to Dr Isaacs' views on D-13962) is important, so it's possible that this element will never work for some readers. But if there is a way to make Dr Isaacs' actions more professional and less foolhardy, I would be keen to do it. All thoughts welcome.
I like the changes you've made. Here's some clarification.
For the doctor's name, it's the period after the abbreviation. Maybe that's a dialect thing, but I've never seen Dr without a period there.
Regarding the mechanic, I agree that the Foundation shouldn't know how it works (I'd argue that they'd detract from the article if they did). I think the reason I'm uncomfortable with it is that it sits in an uncanny valley of sorts; the consistency is enough that I know you're not going the absurdist route like 1193, but the output is just a little… off and it's making me uneasy.
That's probably on me, though. It took me a RIDICULOUS amount of time to understand why midichlorians were bad in Star Wars, because reconciling that it's a space opera and the Force doesn't have to be well defined was difficult.
And yeah, the good doc's infection is important for sure. Off the top of my head, maybe D-13962's flailing during cardiac arrest knocked the respirator off, and there was a small leak between the rooms (I'm assuming they're separated by a pane of glass or something) which, combined with the high rate of diffusion mentioned in the description and some panic on Issacs' part, caused the doctor to become infected. Since it's a smaller amount, it takes longer to kick in, and it's not noticed until the (air filter equipped) medical and containment teams check shut off the gas and check out the subject.
At this point, I like what I see enough to give it an upvote. Having reread this a day later, I think it works, and there's definitely more good than bad here.
but I'm afraid that using names and footnotes will add one layer of complexity too far.
Why not just put the serial numbers in square brackets as an inline redaction of personal names?
I like it. I really do. I mean, the story. Not what happened to Doc.
But hey, sometimes people are too nice, I guess?
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
