Reviewed this skip only yesterday, but I give +1
I think the confession log is unnecessary though. It shows another side of this entity's personality, I guess, but I think the earlier iteration of this skip without it was fine.
SCP-5053 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-5053.
Noticed some capitalization and spelling errors throughout the article:
- "Scp" instead of "SCP" in the article's title
- "Phoebaetictus Kirby" instead of "Phobaeticus kirbyi"
- "Then" isn't capitalized properly in line 12 of the "Confession" audio transcript (the time is also missing from this section, not sure if that was done intentionally or not)
Still, I very much enjoyed reading this. Definitely feeling some possible inspiration from Hollow Knight, what with the concept of bug-warriors and a bug of indeterminate species controlling the minds of lesser bugs via some kind of infection. Not saying that that's a bad thing though, just thought it was neat. The part at the end where 5058 randomly starts showing signs of Hashabor infection seems unnecessary, but I get why it was added. +1
I actually was inspired by Hollow Knight for this one!
~ M.D.R.
Amazing. Hollow Knight is a great game, and I don't think I could have pulled off a SCP based off of it. +1 from me.
At first I thought this was just a Lord Blackwood rehash, but very good execution.
Fussing: monarch butterflies would be orange-winged, not blue. Although they definitely wouldn't be in the same environment as a Phobaeticus.
Also, I don't think you realize how big a pig femur is.
https://ccsearch.creativecommons.org/photos/21b4ef18-926a-43f8-a252-4115087ca365
Image source, as I have forgotten to include it before.
~ M.D.R.
Hello, I'm barredowl! I will be performing a review on behalf of the Site Crit Team today.
General
There are two things which I think this article wants to do, but which it never gets to properly develop. For one, the main character here. You definitely have some characterization on its part, but unfortunately I never get invested with the character because, well, they don't really change. The article structure sorta sets for some kind of character growth or for the character to learn something and change themselves because of it, but that moment never really seems to come. Secondly, the exposition of this other world. While this article expounds a lot of exposition about where this stick bug used to be, it personally didn't really build up to anything and just kind of… ended.
I think my other main problem with this is that this doesn't feel like it has a beginning or an end. Nothing really comes out of all this, and I feel like the lack of that is very glaring. If I had to give any pointers on this, I would say to focus on one quality you want to pay attention to (such as, like I brought up earlier, the characters or the previous land) and run with it, extrapolating it into a story where there's some development. Until then, I think that part of the article is in need of some proper narrative development, so this is a downvote from me.
Line-By-Line
The entity is permitted to explore and document its experiences freely. The entity is not permitted to enter restricted areas or explore the facility beyond the botanical wing.
Both of these sentences are of similar sentence structure and begin the same way: perhaps changing up the sentence structure or wording could help them not feel as same-y?
Interaction with the entity outside of testing should remain minimal as to avoid unnecessary sentimental attachments.
I feel like the phrase "the entity" can be safely replaced with "SCP-5053", and its inclusion here feels a little weird.
There are also a couple repeated instances of "the entity" replacing what could be instead replaced with "SCP-5053".
SCP-5053 is a stick bug Phobaeticus kirbyi measuring 53 centimeters in length.
I would personally either put parentheses around "Phobaeticus kirbyi", or rephrase it like:
SCP-5053 is a stick bug, or Phobaeticus kirbyi, measuring 53 centimeters in length.
Euthenized by SCP-5053.
"Euthenized" should be spelled "Euthanized".
SCP-5053:Tork found me out there well beyond Alteria's walls.
Should be a space in between "SCP-5053" and "Tork".
My condolances, SCP-5053.
Should be "condolences".
That's all from me. Thank you for your time!
Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this review do not reflect the opinions of SCP Wiki staff as a whole. Please respond to barredowl or contact the captain of the Site Criticism Team,
SoullessSingularity, for any questions or concerns relating to this review.
svaria
/forum/t-13164927/scp-5053#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
