Here we go
My little attempt at a bit of mystery and fridge horror.
Runner up choices:
1. 5999
2. 5550
3. 5998
4. 5505
5. 5555
SCP-5505 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-5505.
Okay Penton, let's see what you got:
Nitpicks:
Further information detailing SCP-5000 can be found in Research document - SCP-5000.
This seems unnecessary since we are reading the SCP-5000 document.
SCP-5000 is an inter-dimensional species of aquatic predator, occupying a dimension blanketing our own.
Using the term "blanketing" seems like an odd choice, something like "overlapping" would probably work better.
SCP-5000 resemble lophiiformes (anglerfish)
So this one is a reoccurring thing, since this is a species and there is more than one, saying "SCP-5000 instances" would be better.
and more intelligent1. SCP-5000 primarily feed on live human beings.
These factoids seem tagged onto the paragraph and could probably be there own independent sentences to be expanded on.
adopting an area within SCP-5000-1 neighboring a location in our own dimension, containing consistent human traffic.
"consistent human traffic" this would work better as a concentrated human population or something to that effect. Human traffic could be interpreted as car traffic, which I don't believe is what you intended.
SCP-5000 was discovered and documented by Researcher Cynthia Oswald, head of Site-007.
Instead of "head of site-007" you should probably say something like "Director".
Following her discovery of SCP-5000, Researcher Oswald went missing on the 27/03/2020. Researcher Oswald was reported to be in her office at the time of disappearance.
These could probably be rephrased and combined.
forming temporary entry between SCP-5000-1 and our own.
This sounds a little funky and could probably be cut altogether.
Opinion: So I want to like this, the simple monster mystery vibe is refreshing amongst such grandiose entries, but I feel this just falls short for me. I like the concept but the execution needs some work there is a bit of awkward phrasing throughout, not just what I pointed out above. My larger issues come from the last two addenda, the Post Incident Report and Abridged Summary specifically. The abridged summary is a lot of exposition about the anomaly without clarifying how they are able to observe or quantify these facts. The post-incident report, while adding mystery, implies the file doesn't exist, which since we are reading it, it obviously does. I feel like this is trying to go somewhere or be the twist at the end, but IMO that didn't fully land. This is gonna be a no-vote from me, for now, but I'm hoping it'll be revised– so that may change. Good Luck regardless.
So upon posting this review I hit the back button and realized what name was on the top of the page. Kudos, that made a lot of this snap together for me. Definitely a +1.
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So this is the first entry of the 5000 contest I've read, and it's left me with a lot of questions, which I feel will be a recurring theme throughout this contest.
I like the monster angle and vibe, and I like the horror subtext of the researcher trying to find what happened to his loved one and then becoming a victim to the very same thing himself. The name at the top is a nice twist that ties it together. Other than a few grammar and style nitpicks, +1!
Conceptually this is really rather clever, in terms of the fridge horror element. However the execution let it down - quite a lot of errors (eg missing apostrophes, incorrectly used semi-colons), some unclear / unclinical writing (eg "enabling SCP-5000 the ability to sense conscious thoughts") and general lack of precision in the telling of the story. I can imagine a really good execution of this idea, but unfortunately it's not the one I read.
I feel that it's a very interesting concept for an anomalous creature/fish, but nothing more really.
The disappearance of Cynthia Oswald provides a good start to a mystery, but I feel the answer is given very very quickly in the following abridged summary.
The whole post-incident report is neat, but to me it simply shows an example of (from my interpretation) the skip's halucinatory effects and confirmation that the skip's ability to hop dimensions was responsible for Cynthia's disappearance.
Again, the skip itself is interesting, so I'll leave it at a no-vote.
I think this could use a little tone-editing but other than that it's a great "spooky monster"-style article.
I don't really think it'd make a good 5000, but there's definitely a place for it on the site. +1'd
If I'm reading this right, the "twist" isn't quite as clear as it could be nor executed as well as it might be. I'd love for there to be some visual queues in the document that it is, in fact illusionary before we get to the end (and the big blank wall that had be confused momentarily). I also think that suggesting the fish have some sort of control over electronics or electricity could be some nice foreshadowing.
Or I could be way off. Either way, +1. Not sure it is 5000 worthy but definitely needs to be on this site. Well done!
given the eye-crossing length and grandiosity of many of the entries I've read so far… this entry was really refreshing. I have to admit that when I got to the collapsible, I inwardly groaned, expecting it to double the length of the entry — but I was pleasantly surprised.
at first, I shrugged a little about this concept; but simplicity can be elegant executed correctly.
should this be on the 5k slot? debatable, but is it worth a +1? for me, sure.
Okay, I'm confused. If this slot number doesn't exist, what the heck am I reading? c.c
OH. Oh.
I think that could be a little clearer, play up the twist as has been said. I almost want to say there shouldn't be a standard article here at all, but I think that bit at the top (which I generally tend to ignore) does make the whole thing work. Good stuff!
I'm actually trying to find out how to use wikidot to make the twist clearer. Make the document appear blank at first, only for it to suddenly appear a second later.
Can't figure it out myself though.
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page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
