SCP-4894 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-4894.

Nameless Mediocre 07 Jan 2020 03:10

Thanks to ARD for crit and anyone I may have forgotten about. This will probably be my last SCP in series 5 so I wanted to send the block off with one for its starting theme, history. Hope you enjoyed it.

Image attribution

All images are public domain as the image owners have been dead for over 70 years and the images themselves were taken before the creation of Mickey Mouse.
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Three_miners_using_pickaxes_in_underground_gold_mine_lit_by_candlelight,_Gold_Hill,_Yukon_Territory,_ca_1898_(HEGG_515).jpeg
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Miners_using_pickaxes_to_clear_sediment_1450_feet_down_inside_the_Alaska_Treadwell_Gold_Mining_Co_mine,_treadwell,_ca_1914_(CURTIS_1378).jpeg
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Zonen_van_Gustave_Regout,_ca_1883.jpg
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Miners_working_the_No_35_bench_claim_below_Hunker_Creek,_Yukon_Territory,_ca_1898_(HEGG_155).jpeg
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Miners_thawing_frozen_ground_with_steam_in_an_underground_gold_mine_lit_by_candlelight,_Gold_Hill,_Yukon_Territory,_ca_1898_(HEGG_254).jpeg
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:North-West_Mounted_Police_officers_carrying_rifles_guarding_wagon_loaded_with_gold,_Yukon_Territory,_ca_1899_(HEGG_544).jpeg

Grigori Karpin 07 Jan 2020 10:08

Well, that was a hell of a story. +1

Slight nitpick: the notice to board members is dated both 1891 and 1898, pretty sure it’s a typo

Last edited on 07 Jan 2020 10:09 by Grigori Karpin Show more

Nameless Mediocre 07 Jan 2020 14:39

Thanks for the catch. That was meant to be the CEO stating what the company already owns to give some idea of what the miners had at their disposal. I edited the line for clarity.

Deadly Bread 07 Jan 2020 12:28

Haven't seen the Factory show up in quite a while, and I quite like the direction you've taken it. Well done +1.

SoullessSingularity 08 Jan 2020 03:46

I don't enjoy talkin' to folk when their holdin' another man's gun.

Is this a their/they're typo?

It can till for planting 'taters,

Why does -A have inconsistent pronunciation (he used 'fer' earlier, and also used -in' instead of -ing)

somthin'

Is this meant to be missing an e?

Sorry to barge onto your mourning and all but does anyone else smelling that?

Is this meant to be smelling or smell?

SCP-4894-A: You look like someone I should hate. You talk like someone I should hate. You hold a gun like someone I should hate. But I don't. When I look at y'all I can't help but think of Joe. Blood on his hands from doin' his best at right in a downright wrong world. Maybe I'm just too tired for any more hate besides the malice the Factory put in me. Maybe that makes me a tool more than the Factory's brand on me. All I know about the world and myself right now is that the Factory still stands and I'm feelin' mighty useful.

I think this particular addition comes off as somewhat preachy, as does a good amount of that ending as -A talks while everyone just kind of is stunned/helpless. It comes off as too easy for -A.

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Living the dream, or dreaming the life?

Nameless Mediocre 08 Jan 2020 04:30

Thanks for catching the typos there. As for inconsistency with pronunciation, that came from trying to not make him sound too stereotypically yokel. I tried to balance Percy attempting to talk like how he expects the Foundation to and how he naturally does.

As for the monologue at the end. Honestly, I agree with you there. I think Percy's actions speak well enough on their own and don't need much the way of explanation. I've had a hard time learning what I can safely assume the audience will be able to intuitively discern but this falls on the border of too obvious. We know that Percy hates the Factory, we know he is now aware that they are still around. The reader should still be able to do the math there.

Edit: typos are corrected but leaving the remainder in place for further input

Last edited on 08 Jan 2020 04:42 by Nameless Mediocre Show more

SoullessSingularity 08 Jan 2020 12:54

I tried to balance Percy attempting to talk like how he expects the Foundation to and how he naturally does.

This didn't come off obviously to me TBH. I wasn't sure what was an error and what was intention. Maybe this could be resolved by another person noticing the dialogue shifting in certain contexts, or exaggerating it.

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Living the dream, or dreaming the life?

Cromynd 08 Jan 2020 14:12

I liked it, but it seemed a little bit too on the nose, and while it kept me interested, I think it could be a bit more intriguing if there was a bit of redacted information, even if it's something that doesn't affect the story that much. Maybe redact -A's real name and the name of the Company owner? At the same time, I'm not sure how much that would affect the story's flow, which is something that should definitely take place over mystery.

Lord_of_Laugh 08 Jan 2020 14:45

This must be one of the strangest downvotes I have ever seen lmao

Rounderhouse 08 Jan 2020 14:45

redacting that information would not improve this in any way, given that they are not and should not be used as substitutions for plot intrigue.

rattles 08 Jan 2020 17:27

A subject in possession of SCP-4894 is physically incapable of experiencing pain or exhaustion while holding it, although adverse health effects from overwork still occur.

Now that is classic Factory.

zhendirez 09 Jan 2020 17:36

Oh, that Factory.

+1

Melissanoma 11 Jan 2020 07:03

What is "sct" in "L16-sct" short for? I figured that com and dem are communication and demolition, but couldn't get that one.

Last edited on 11 Jan 2020 07:03 by Melissanoma Show more

LTVA 12 Jan 2020 14:55

Scatterer?

Nameless Mediocre 13 Jan 2020 00:48

Scout

I'm Russian, so for me it's wrong

LTVA 12 Jan 2020 14:55

20km of plastic explosives, and SCP-4894-A attached by carbon fiber tether to two Lambda-16 members.

Kg (kilograms)?

Pacify labor uprising with with minimal collateral damage to Gold Hill assets

I think one «with» would be enough.

If I'm wrong, tell me why.

Last edited on 12 Jan 2020 15:06 by LTVA Show more

Re: I'm Russian, so for me it's wrong

Nameless Mediocre 13 Jan 2020 00:51

You are correct. Those were typos. Thanks for catching them! Fixed