Wrote this on my phone quite a while ago and just wanted to get it out. Basically its just a vent against people that give advice like "try smiling more" or "have you tried getting better?" to people with conditions they do not understand. Hope you like it!
SCP-4376 / Discussion
Forum
» Per Page Discussions / Per page discussions
» SCP-4376
This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-4376.
There are a few grammar mistakes in the description, minor mistakes. I will fix them, but I'm not changing the text log. I feel like the article could use a bit more, but the idea is alright, I guess…
Really? Where is the anomaly? Being a conjoined twin aint exactly the kind of anomalies i expect to read about here and no explanation is given. Just this quick nothing burger about this other person growing out of this persons neck for no reason. And they have no name. But it is supposed to be super creepy or thought provoking or if nothing else at least entertaining…but no. Its none of that. Its just a vent written on a phone to express umbrage at being told to smile.
None of that makes any sense to me what so ever in any reality and the story i found to be boring and pointless with nothing special to it other than the fact that sufferers of conjoined twinism might take offense… then again they might not… but no reason is given for it in the story.
Who would call the police on em? And why? Looking abnormal may prompt stares but it dont typically prompt 911 calls. What was the point of the text message in context to the scp? Why does it need a special tall ceiling? If a human has another human growing out of their neck they are gonna have balance issues, digestion issues, clinical depression is an understandable understatement … their is just so little and of what their is…. is normal save for the obliviousness of conjoined twins being real and having their own significant struggles.
I do not mean to be rude, but I would suggest reading the article again. It is clearly stated that this person has not always looked like that and is not simply a cojoined twin.
Hey buddy, if you have to do 7 re-writes in the first few moments this story is published , it wasn't ready. Who gabe this green lights? I dont need to know but i call their judgement into question. This should be fleshed out in the sandbox. It isn't ready by many standards. Grammar , plot, theme, …. try again boss. Im sure this worked out well in your thoughts somewhere … just gotta flesh out to better to translate what ever those thoughts were to print. Best of luck.
The skip looks pretty darn ready to me…
Crashington's literally on the forum crit staff team. They know what they're doing. Try not to be condescending.
~🌸~Flower Power~🌸~
Im not being condescending , im being critical. Over 10 revisions in the first hour. Mostly spelling and grammar related. The story wasnt ready and being staff shouldnt grant special treatment. If anything staff sets the example of what a higher standard should be.
Each and every person on this site gets 1 vote, just like everyone else. It is not possible to treat someone's story differently from a mechanical standpoint. One vote is one vote. If you are net positive, you stay, if you are net negative, you get deleted.
No amount of campaigning for or against the quality of any piece will change that fact your opinion is still only worth one vote, just like mine. Being staff has nothing to do with anything here.
You were critical and condescending. These traits are neither mutually exclusive nor synonymous.
Hey buddy
try again boss.
Im sure this worked out well in your thoughts somewhere
If you don't see why the above statements come across as condescending, then you may need to reassess your approach to human interactions. Furthermore, the wording of your post implies that your personal tastes about plot and themes somehow equate to an objective standard, which comes across as aggressively out-of-touch.
Since he has written surviving SCPs before Crashington no longer needs Greenlights.
Conjoined twins are real. Suddenly growing another person out of your neck over your lunch break, however, is not. I'm sure you should be able to locate the anomaly there, right?
this is cool as heck i really dig
- "Since 2019/06/10 date" in the description, probably just needs the word date removed
- "abnormality; his": should be a colon
- "evaluation at the age of 22": it might be worth indicating how old he is currently to contextualise this
- all 3 of wilhelm's messages are sent at 1035
wooo i got cybersqyd crit! thank you and I am glad you enjoyed it!
That is exactly what i mean. And we are already on revision 10? Who green lighted this? Did they pay attention to what they read? Are their consequences for proof readers missing so many grammatical errors and giving the green light anyways? Was favoritism involved?
You got a dude that grew a dude out of his neck (and was still able to walk apparently ) where is the appeal? What is fascinating about it? What is the point of the terse text messages? What does the childhood depression have to do with growing a second body out of your neck?
Okay!
You're well past being a dick, now. If you actually read the rules, you'll see greenlights are required for new authors posting in the drafts forum, not for established users posting onto the site. Pretty much every skip is published with a few small nitpicky errors - nobody's able to get them all. If you don't like the story, downvote, leave a comment, and move on.
~🌸~Flower Power~🌸~
Really? What gives you the right to insult me with vulgarities because of my criticism? Its one thing to be critical of my critiques but what gives you the right to call me a dick?
Thats pretty rotten of you.
Why would you do that? Disliking my criticisms is no justification for the personalized vulgarity.
I didnt not personally insult you nor the writer. I dont appreciate the personal attack.
It's not a personal insult. There's a difference between calling someone a dick and saying someone is being a dick. In fact, it's pretty much the first rule on the wiki. Don't try start an argument.
This is a closed staff post. Do not reply.
~🌸~Flower Power~🌸~
hey buddy you realise you don't need green lights to post to the main list? They're only for new authors (which Crashington is very much not) to post to the draft forum (which this is also not).
The whole article is a (bad) pun on the phrase "get over yourself" (as in, stop being depressed) which caused Wilhelm to literally get over himself (by sprouting a second body over the first) so that he is no longer depressed.
Oh…. hell, in that sense i kinda feel wooshed. Lol way over my head in "getting over it"
Clever, simple scip that parodies the absurdity of people who ask those with depression to just "get over themselves". The small grammar and tone changes help make it more cohesive. Well done.
Eh. I get what this is trying to do, but I have a somewhat higher bar for articles whose messages are primarily based on a pun than this reaches.
Agreed, I see what's going on, but it doesn't do enough for me. Novote.
completely fair and expected. thanks for the read guys
This article is on the shorter side, which isn't a bad thing. However, I think it has some minor wording and clinical issues that are unfortunately magnified due to its shorter length.
Special Containment Procedures
SCP-4376 is to be contained
Later wording implies this is already contained.
Description
SCP-4376 is a 23 years old human male
I believe you mean "23 year old", or preferably, "23-year-old".
Since 2019/06/10, Mr. Schröder has appeared with a unique physical abnormality
The wording is a bit unclear: Does his body just resemble an abnormality on a superficial level, or is it truly abnormal?
his head sits on a secondary torso, which has grown out of the original body's neck
This line previously mentioned a waist — I think the current description requires that additional context to make full sense. Also, this is too laconic for what is being described: How many heads does the body now possess? What is the total number of arms and legs?
Both are genetically and visually matching.
I know this line refers to the bodies, but the last sentence ends on "neck", which could prove confusing.
Notably, Wilhelm Schöder's medical history shows
Everything here is notable, which is why it's in the document. So, this is technically unnecessary.
diagnosed with clinical depression since the age of 14, with the last evaluation at the age of 22
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but isn't a diagnosis a one-time thing? This is saying he was continually diagnosed between the ages of 14 and 22. I believe a more correct wording is "[first] diagnosed with clinical depression [at] the age of 14".
while psychological evaluations over the course of his containment could not identify symptoms of such a condition
Wouldn't the brain show physical evidence of past clinical depression? Unless this is saying he doesn't show the symptoms because he is no longer depressed, which is completely valid! Still, it could be more precise.
Discovery
Addendum SCP-4376.1: Discovery
For consistency, the colon should come after "Discovery".
SCP-4376 was discovered on 2019/06/10 on his way home from his job at an insurance company.
I find it jarring that the Discovery is not listed in chronological order. Otherwise, it's OK.
painting it as a viral advertisement
This is non-clinical.
before coming out again in his current form
This is his first time exiting the washroom, in contrast to "again".
I notice some edits were made to the article since I started the critique so I apologize if this post is misleading or doesn't capture the current revision! In addition, due to its short length, I felt it was necessary to nitpick. I hope this is helpful!
EDIT: After seeing the changes, swapped to a novote.
Slight metacritique:
SCP-4376 is to be contained
This is valid, in my opinion. Many containment procedures choose to outline the desired containment over the current containment, and that's something I honestly agree with; it saves having to update the article every time their containment situation changes. The use of "to be" doesn't imply that it's not currently contained, just that these procedures should be adhered to in the future as well as the present.
it saves having to update the article every time their containment situation changes.
Sure, but this is a snapshot of a specific moment in anomaly's history — after it's been contained. I otherwise completely agree with your reasoning and think either one would be valid here.
Yeah, forgot to adress that, same reasoning as malice there. Conprocs are always less snapshotty to me than the rest is.
I feel that the context is a bit lacking here, on his story1. The transcript looks incomplete—well, it's impossible to capture the entire interaction with a "honey" that'd likely span years, but to exclude the context of the included excerpt seems inexplicable. It looks half-assed in term of documentation effort.
I think there are also a lot of things that would be noted by a proper Foundation. Like, the more specific circumstances of his growth in psychological and medical/physiological perspective. The structural integrity and balance of the new body. The identity and condition of aforementioned "honey" prior to, during, and after manifestation of the anomaly. -1 for now.
Footnotes
1. also, why is it a "he" and not an "it"?
As for the context, I understand what you mean when you say that it feels lacking but i felt that it really was not important what sparked this situation. It does not matter what made her say that, or if shes always like that or just this once the only thing that mattered for this event and the narrative.
Same with all those details. I think they could b potentially very interesting and might make this better but they would detract from what i wanted to do with this.
thanks for the feedback!
You even know how much this hurts me? To see you like that?
Cant you justtry a little fucking harder
God, that sucks, man. Took a second read to hit me.
You got some nonstandard presentation quirks here, like having the anomaly referred to by name and being humanized, which… I dig. Not sure what it adds to the themes of the article (and it may just be your author headcanon of Foundation procedure), but I dig.
Thanks for the read! Honestly this was probably just too much of a self insert with a previous relationship for me to dehumanize em haha. I also got some comments on this kinds stuff before and feel like humanizing is the generally easier route to take. Especially with such benign humanoids.
Man, I love seeing an author write from the soul. This said a lot in very few words. Take my +1 and know that for every person who doesn't understand, there's another who does.
/forum/t-12641757/scp-4376#post-
page revision: 1, last edited: 02 Apr 2021 15:16
