SCP-4938 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-4938.

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SCP-4938: Sweat from the Sun

T Rutherford 01 Aug 2019 14:16

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The spirit thrives down deep inside
That's where it's home
So let's break the ties where evil lies
And get in the zone

Gold (gold) dust is falling
It's raining down
Gold (gold) dust is falling
It's raining down

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Gold Spoilers

There's only one anomaly. The strongest desires become reality in the town of Feldspar.

Silver Spoilers

O5-4 claims Edwin Hallewell died in 1921. The initial picture was taken in 1922. The Foundation is lying.

I was inspired to write this when researching neutron stars. It is currently theorized that heavy elements such as platinum, uranium and gold are created when two neutron stars collide. This celestial collision will cause an explosion, tearing them apart, and scattering their metals throughout the universe.

Kosser Valley, Feldspar, and all other locations in this article are fictional. Except Colorado, I think. Image sources are here, here, and here. All under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license.

Thanks to:
BlueJones
Rounderhouse
ManyMeats
For their suggestions and crits. Also thanks to the editors adding forgotten tags and fixing mistakes.

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► More T Rutherford Articles and Tales ◄

Last edited on 01 Aug 2019 17:38 by T Rutherford Show more

cybersqyd 01 Aug 2019 14:41

Extremely minor thing: "Simultaneous exposure was required to form -1 tumorous growths.": I'd suggest using the full "SCP-4938-1" notation here because it's a little ambiguous and I initially interpreted it as being "minus one tumorous growths".

The "no investigation? No fallout? *silence* Er, pardon my phrasing" section feels weird to me? I think you're trying to be all "fallout comes across as insensitive because of the radiation" but fallout specifically comes from nuclear explosions, and it feels a little weird to me that she's sensitive about the word?

T Rutherford 01 Aug 2019 14:47

Thanks for catching both of those. I'll make the first edit, and you're right, that "fallout" line is some spill-over from a previous draft. It doesn't suit the tone anymore.

EDIT: Changed.

Last edited on 01 Aug 2019 14:49 by T Rutherford Show more

Uncle Nicolini 01 Aug 2019 15:20

Well done, as always. You're on fire.

T Rutherford 01 Aug 2019 18:47

Ah, so you've uncovered my secret.

aismallard 01 Aug 2019 18:26

Nice storytelling, was an enjoyable read.

As is tradition:

+ Show nitpicks

U.S. Legal system

legal

Naturally occurring radiation or hazardous chemicals in the area.

Personally I would remove "in the area" since it's a footnote, but it's a preference thing.

She's got my husbands eyes

husband's

She's only 5 years old.

Since this is a transcript of spoken word, I would use "five".

Maddie had her uncles old radio.

uncle's

We were all just a bunch of miners daughters

miner's

with the butchers son

butcher's

Mr. Hallewell brought in some city-boy tycoons son

tycoon's

I saw it's eyes.

its

Simultaneous exposure was required to form SCP-4938-1 tumorous growths.

Should be "is required" to match the tense.

The Department of Finance has been tasked with regulating the export of Gold

gold

I also like these stories showing areas where the Foundation exploits the anomalous to make money and fund their operations. All those resources have to come from somewhere…

T Rutherford 01 Aug 2019 18:48

Thanks so much aismallard! I'll get to those edits tonight. Appreciated as always.

EDIT: Edits made. One day I will conquer my one true enemy: 's vs s.

Last edited on 01 Aug 2019 23:44 by T Rutherford Show more

Crashington 01 Aug 2019 18:56

Man this is gold

T Rutherford 01 Aug 2019 19:47

Gold? (sorry zyn!)

Last edited on 02 Aug 2019 14:22 by T Rutherford Show more

Lazarus Taxon 01 Aug 2019 23:29

This is how I’m going to imagine O5-4 from now on.

Last edited on 01 Aug 2019 23:29 by Lazarus Taxon Show more

Dr Blackbox 02 Aug 2019 03:09

[ACCIDENTAL POST, DELETED]

Last edited on 02 Aug 2019 03:09 by Dr Blackbox Show more

Slighterer 01 Aug 2019 20:14

Really well done. I love the way it's written and it has great attention to detail. Follows protocols well and makes sense when read. Awesome job.

T Rutherford 02 Aug 2019 14:22

Thanks for the read :)

hat on pat 02 Aug 2019 11:33

The caption for the photo of Dana Walsh says "Dana Walch"

T Rutherford 02 Aug 2019 14:22

Corrected. Thanks for spotting that!

silverpanther17 02 Aug 2019 23:05

Also, the initial photo is captioned as "Edgar Hallewell" rather than "Edwin"

T Rutherford 03 Aug 2019 13:25

Also corrected. You guys are on it!

JimmyBoyHaha 03 Aug 2019 02:06

Stellar work as always. +1

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blabbo

T Rutherford 03 Aug 2019 13:25

Thanks for the read Jimmy my boy!

The Great Hippo 03 Aug 2019 20:05

I feel like there are parts of the interview that are formatted "oddly" (ellipsis before a phrase or as a method to designate pauses always bugs me), and it came precariously close at several points to reading more like a novel than an article.

That being said, I was genuinely surprised by this. The dialogue reads like a story, but it's quite a good one; the writing is clean and compelling, and the ending is deeply satisfying. A very, very easy upvote.

T Rutherford 03 Aug 2019 21:38

Thanks so much for the read Hippo! Ellipses are ranked just under "s vs 's" in my hurdles as a writer. I'm working to improve within this format.

You're also right that this article is essentially a short-story sandwich, with the article as the bread. I experimented a bit trying to break up Mrs. Walsh's dialogue, intersecting it with the researcher's observations or scoring it with article elements, but it all felt like padding more than pacing. I didn't want to waste the readers time. In the end, I settled on making it just an old woman telling one story, and the Foundation telling another.

DarkFengHuang 05 Aug 2019 17:35

One issue I see:

This continued until 2004, when Mrs. Dana Walsh, a Feldspar resident, placed a call with the U.S. National Guard.

The interview is dated 03/08/1998

T Rutherford 06 Aug 2019 02:27

Very good catch. I'll correct that now!

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