SCP-4593 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-4593.

gee0765 23 Jul 2019 19:19

Image Attribution: https://www.flickr.com/photos/51638848@N00/4893575546 under CC-BY 2.0

Thanks to RockTeethMothEyes for forum crit and basically everyone I could shout at in IRC chat for crit there

Last edited on 23 Jul 2019 22:37 by gee0765 Show more

aismallard 23 Jul 2019 19:39

There are several areas where the clinical tone is a bit weak, and the logs can be a tad melodramatic for my tastes, but overall this is good. An engaging exploration of a person facing their mortality and its comparisons with the psychological aspect of drug addiction. It does enough things that I'm willing to +1 it.

Last edited on 23 Jul 2019 22:48 by aismallard Show more

gee0765 23 Jul 2019 19:41

Thanks! Do you have a couple places where you think the clinical tone is weakest? I’d like to know how I can improve this.

peppermint_legos 23 Jul 2019 19:42

It's a promising start with the idea and your prose is good, but the content of the logs was pretty lackluster. "Slow descent into madness" often isn't compelling enough to stand on its own without killer execution, and even then it needs to be short and punchy.

You seem focused on the prose logs, and I don't think they add anything at all to this as a mainlist skip. I'd recommend finding a way to make the SCP itself short and sweet and a little more complex, and then maybe you can document the Head Researcher's experience elsewhere in a Tale and crosslink it.

gee0765 23 Jul 2019 19:46

Hi! I’m sorry you didn’t like the skip, but I feel I have to justify not leaving it as a short skip and a tale. The issue with that would be that there would be no reason to leave the skip on the site. It would literally just be some air that kills you, which would lack narrative and have nothing worthy of upvoting.

peppermint_legos 23 Jul 2019 21:57

I see your point, though I do think there's a way to pull it off without relying on the logs. Someone could write a compelling Tale about 4465 someday, but it can definitely stand on its own as well.

The meat of this entry is in the large prose block at the end, which makes me question why the SCP entry is there if it's only the jumping-off point, rather than being its own standalone story.

(account deleted) 23 Jul 2019 20:03

I see no reason why this needs to be a Tale. In fact it works better as an SCP as you can explain the backstory more easily.

Last edited on 23 Jul 2019 20:04 by (account deleted) Show more

gee0765 23 Jul 2019 20:08

You see, that’s what I thought. Looking at everything like 3008, 3001 and everything else with logs. But obviously, people can have their own beliefs on what should be a skip and what should be a tale, and I’m not here to change that :)

(account deleted) 23 Jul 2019 20:10

Agreed 100%

I also agree with what aismallard said that there are some clinical tone issues but otherwise this is wonderful. I especially liked the nightmare with the guys head exploding. Reading that gave me chills in the best possible way.

+1

peppermint_legos 23 Jul 2019 22:09

My reason for suggesting a Tale format was mostly because the division is already there in the story. We get to the end of the second Description with blue text changes, and that's as much as my understanding of the skip itself will ever change. Once you click the Head Researcher's login, it's like we've started a new story that only references 4593's effects, rather than creating nuance for them.

Logs don't do much for me unless they change my perception of the SCP in some way. This log, while well-written, doesn't really "talk to" the SCP entry. I don't come away from the Head Researcher's experience with new insights or concerns about the gas. I'm told the gas makes you smarter and then eventually kills you, and then I read about someone who gets smarter and knows he's eventually going to die, so he has a breakdown.

If all of that prose were separated and put on a different page, it would feel more effective for me. As-is, I don't finish the log and think "my understanding/fear of SCP-4593's properties has deepened", so I don't feel it's necessary to add onto this entry itself.

Last edited on 23 Jul 2019 22:10 by peppermint_legos Show more

MintChocolate 24 Jul 2019 07:23

Have to agree with Peppermint here. The rest of the article could stand really well on its own, and the login seems a bit… out of place. I don't think it's a bad idea, but I think that it would be better, again, in a tale format.

Quercus-rubra 26 Jul 2019 01:20

I enjoyed the idea behind this scp, though I do agree with the other comments that some of the logs are a little melodramatic. One thing that might strengthen it would be to add more detailed testing logs to the actual article - maybe before Addendum A, describing the testing in some more detail - how much of the gas was used/for how long/on how many subjects; perhaps these could detail some of the cognitive enhancements, and maybe include notes from the researcher about wanting to use it themselves and finally trying without approval. This item lends itself nicely to nice straightforward scientific testing, and I'd have liked to see some of those details.

Also, this is an intensely pedantic comment, because it's a cool photo, but every lab safety inspector I've ever met would be on this site/storage manager's ass for not securing those gas canisters at two points, or at least for the single point being so low. One example of decent, safe storage and one that's ok but closer in atmosphere to the photo you have. If you really like that photo, maybe that's of canisters found before they were put in containment?

Sergeimosin 28 Jul 2019 18:59

I think this SCP might be more effective if you blurred the lines a little more as to whether or not the gas actually DOES what the documentation says it does, or if it's just an anomalously addictive version of air and the psychological addiction is causing the researchers mind to fray and experience reality and alter documentation in such a way that it supports his need to continue inhaling the gas.

Maxyfran73 15 Feb 2023 04:51

There's nothing particularly 'powerful' about this skip, but it was entertaining. The concept was cool and the researcher's slow descent into madness was, while a tad cliche, pretty engaging all things considered.

+1