The SCP itself doesn't have much content, but dat backstory tho…
+1.
SCP-2125 / Discussion
Forum
» Per Page Discussions / Per page discussions
» SCP-2125
This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-2125.
have to say i agree with MrWrong & Jarbatalapus. I do see some room for improvement in the "News?" article, mainly structure, currently doesn't look much like a news article, though i'm not sure if that's what you were shooting for
I'm sorry to say, I don't find this article sufficiently appealing. It is a matter of personal feeling, and therefore I must apologize in advance if anything I say is out of place.
True, the story is not bad, but the core idea is recounted in such a way that feels forced to me, as a reader. As a writer, however, I have no clue whether I'd be able to improve on it in any way. I'm just distracted by the notion that the steel box was just buried there, presumably left by the Miss, whoever she was, and that a "half-wit" in 19th century New York1 would know how to write, albeit poorly, well enough to leave these letters. The entire thing feels a bit too in the nose, too, since it's essentially a vindictive, tragic spirit; it pertains to that kind of tragedy whose tale has been told for eternity and back. I vote as a reader, not as an author.
But I'd love to see more ambiguity here. The article played me good on that sense, and I commend the author for it. It is a hindrance, though, that the feelings of the involved lady are not properly explained at any point, thus keeping her character submerged in obscurity, which extends to the truth behind the story; was this an impossible love story or just an obsessed man who never received proper education? It makes me want more details, but tips a bit towards the "she-actually-loved-him" side with that steel box — who else would leave it there? But I don't know what to think, really.
Furthermore, it reminds me powerfully of SCP-2104; while story and evident anomaly are quite different, the tree as a central element and the person with a mental disability that is cast aside and essentially hanged to death by their peers, left to interact with what's left of the world through an anomaly, is quite too familiar for me. Again, I vote as a reader, and I still prefer 2104; this makes me an unreliable judge.
Then again, this is us talking about an article on the SCP Foundation Wiki. Who is reliable?
All of this, when compared with the evidently correct writing and style, makes me go with a no-vote. I might re-read it later and reconsider. In any case, good job, author. :)
Footnotes
1. Literacy in the United States through history is an entirely alien topic for me, so I might be spectacularly wrong here.
I neutral voted for a lot of the same reasons.
If you described the concept to me I'd say it would make for a good SCP, but the term "too on the nose" is exactly how I'd describe the execution. The actual SCP is a fairly middle of the road anomaly, and the 1:1 interpretation between the story the addendum tells and the anomaly actually helps to ruin the addendum, by the second note everybody knows what is going to happen, you might as well just cut the rest of them, as it's just details of the same story we're all familiar with.
Perhaps the worst sin a good SCP can commit is being predictable. I see the story you are trying to tell, and there are ways to tell it that build tension and suspense, but this just isn't it, and that is unfortunate, because I think that with some relatively minor restructuring this could work so much better.
Writing SCPs is the opposite of journalism, you need to bury the lead. I don't think many people will downvote this, it is tonally & technically in line with the rest of the wiki, and there is a story being told here, but I think this is going to get a huge portion of readers neutral voting.
My problem with this is that it comes across as…too formulaic?
It just seems like an SCP, one with a backstory. Yes, that's what the site asks for in the simplest of cases, but this article is the simplest of cases. It's your fairly run-of-the-mill idea, coupled with a murder backstory. It'll be well-received for the fact that it explains itself to a certain degree, which I get the sense that a lot of authors see as "the key" to writing a successful article; but I'm just not feeling it.
The absolute basic structure is there, but the ideas just aren't doing it for me.
(account deleted)I enjoyed the characterization in the notes but ultimately this is very formulaic and while there is some raw emotions int he backstory there's nothing else really going on here. I'm not sure if expanding on the article would help, maybe some tweaks to the description to make it less straightforward and to set up the letters more strongly by giving us more context. Is he really a half-wit, or just an uneducated man with a glimmer of brilliance inside of him?
Whether you like it or not, history is on our side. We will bury you!
I would like to mention that I received some wonderful pieces of writing and art this year for the holidays!
Daniel's hand shook, his finger worryingly unsteady on the trigger of his pistol. His eyes flickered between the aging Morgan Hemlock and his two sons, stood valiant in front of him.
"You don't wanna be hurtin' us now, Danny, do ye?" the younger, Frederick, asked.
"Y-you been hurtin' me, Fred" Daniel gestured to the dark purple bruises across his abdomen, visible within his open shirt. Buttoned only at the neck, the shirt fluttered almost like a cape behind him in the light Autumn breeze. "You don' want me an' Annie being happy together, so ye gone and locked her up. That ain't right." he gestured wildly at Morgan with the tip of his gun. If Morgan hadn't already known he was mad from his violent action, his eyes surely would have given him away. They seemed a deeper blue than usual, heightened by his insanity.
"We've done nothing of the sort, boy." Morgan tried to speak softly, as one would to a frightened pup or street child. He feared the quaver in his voice might betray him. "Annie's just inside, free as day. We ain't heard nothin' about you an' her bein' together. Are you sure you've not imagined the thing? You do sometimes have notions, remember?" He stepped forward, past his sons, his arm outstretched. "We'll go inside, Danny, won't we? Have a cup of tea, talk about what you been dreamin'. Won't that be good?"
Danny was biting his lip, torn. The boy had lost his parents to the mines when Morgan had taken him in, cleaned him up. That trust would serve to-
It took Morgan a second to register the feeling of a bullet lodged in his gut. The sensation wasn't painful, exactly, but more of a pinching feeling, like he'd had an enormous dinner and no longer fit his breeches. The sound of the shot rang in his ears, though he could barely hear it over his own heartbeat. He looked down. The blood, the blood…
Morgan Hemlock sank to his knees as one, two, three further shots were fired. He was starting to feel his injury now, twisting and winding through his innards. He screamed himself hoarse as Frederick collapsed beside him, hot blood pumping out of a huge rend in his throat.
He was getting colder now, his vision fading as his face pressed into the cobblestones. He thought of poor Annie, barely a woman and now orphaned like poor mad Danny. Never even met her dear departed mother.
He felt a pair of strong arms pick him up, cradling him. Through failing eyes, he saw Danny, eyes red and puffy, his mouth open and drooling as he keened. Morgan reached a shaking hand up toward Danny's face, smearing blood in his overgrown bristle.
"'S alright, Danny. 'S alright. Y- you done a bad thing, but you ain't a- a bad person. Alright, Danny? Al-"
This wasn't bristle. He saw it now. There were thick vines growing on Danny's face, biting into his skin, crawling up from his buttoned collar and into his mouth and nose. Morgan felt how they tightly gripped Danny's neck. They must be choking him, the poor boy, like a tight deadly necklace, like…
A hangman's noose.
Morgan saw the boy's death in his eyes, even as Danny saw Morgan's death in his. Not fair to the poor boy, not at all. He needed shelter, asylum, he…
Morgan quietly quietly but suddenly, his head pressed to Danny's chest, his thundering heartbeat the last thing he felt.
Chat user SourBacteria made this incredible artwork for me! Thank you so much!
I'm glad you liked my art. This made my day.
:)
I get what you were going for, but the delivery of the whole thing, with the letters is just not really that good, and it ends up feeling really underwhelming as an article. Not a fan.
-1
/forum/t-1169584/scp-2125#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
