SCP by Series
Other SCP
Feed
Stories
Discovery
Random
http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/20wadcon
I'd like to know the story's strengths and weaknesses, and just if it's flat-out awful. I want to know every plot hole or mistake, right down to the most minute details if possible.
I'll try to give you my feedback. Keep in mind I've only been around here since 2013, so I'm not as experienced as others.
The containment procedure is kind of sparse in my opinion. Keep in mind the Foundation have people who work with these kinds of stuff for a living.
Do measurements of the room have anything to say? Maybe it requires sustenance, or perhaps it can break open doors (considering it's Euclid after all).
Speaking of Euclid, if this is something that can be locked up and left, then it would be a Safe class.
creature that can manipulate the minds of subjects
That's really cliche and doesn't hook me at all.
It's possible to make this interesting in some way I'm sure, but right now it's sort of bland and uninteresting.
"It's an X that does X, it's also from the X species. It does other things like X and X."
Don't know who it was, but showing instead of telling is far more interesting.
It also appears to have extremely high muscle mass, although it is very weak.
Doesn't that sound kind of self-contradicting? That's like saying although something is very big, it's still tiny. As someone who lifts frequently, I can tell you that high muscle mass = Strength. So if someone has high muscle mass that person is most definitely strong.
It seems to speak English fluently.
That seems awfully convenient for us readers, know i'm sayin'? Allows the writer to make interviews, I get that, but that's far to convenient and unlikely. Not saying it's impossible, it's just that you're not supposed to leave us readers in disbelief.
And example of this would be something like "SCP-X can lift a billion kilograms and eats everything in sight". It leaves people in disbelief and skeptic.
The interview
Interviews should be sort of realistic, in the way of speaking I mean.
Would an SCP researcher really politely ask something like this what it wishes to be refereed to as?
Also, some kind of spacing between the interview and main text would be nice. Right now it's sort of a part of the file.
There's more things to mention, but that would take a long time to write down right now.
I'm not seeing a BIG problem with this. It's just the execution that's lacking.
Special Containment Procedures: The entity must be kept in a room lined with acoustic foam, as its voice is extremely loud.
Containment Procedures generally shouldn't answer the "why" question.
Temperature must remain between 65°F and 70°F, as higher or lower temperatures seem to increase hostility.
Same note. The containment procedures are an easy way to build dramatic tension, the reader should be asking "I wonder why that is part of containment? It has some reaction to temperature, or maybe temperature changes?" you just want people getting curious, not giving them answers immediately as that breaks all the tension.
2874 is a creature that can manipulate the minds of subjects that make eye contact.
Generally people use SCP-2874, not just the number, but that is a stylistic choice. I would suggest following the convention in this situation. The sentence also reads that when two subjects make eye contact 2874 can manipulate their mind, which is not what you meant.
All personnel that have seen it, whether in person, in a photograph, or by CCTV, report drastic differences in its facial features.
You just throw this out there and never come back to it. If you don't weave the anomalous properties throughout the work you are going to get something that comes off as stilted and unfocused, which is a problem this piece has.
It also appears to have extremely high muscle mass, although it is very weak.
Talk about how it was biopsied or situations where it demonstrated it is very weak. This has the same problem as the previous line, keep your writing focused, the SCP format is very short, you have only so much space to tell a story, no line should seem pointless.
It does not seem to have hostile feelings towards personnel.
If you want to keep a clinical tone you can't be speculating on how things feel.
It refers to itself in the third person as "Giver". It seems to speak English fluently.
Now this is a boilerplate warning I'm starting to give people, if you are going to give your SCP a nickname, think really long and hard about whether or not it is absolutely plot critical. If you look through the SCPs on the site you will notice almost none of them have nicknames.
2874 can trigger many different stimuli in the human brain including the release of dopamine, epinephrine, and serotonin.
That is a very specific type of stimulus, and has no correlation to the ability you demonstrate in the logs.
Subject refuses to allow us to conduct research pertaining to its control over animals.
the use of the term "us" is not clinical. Subject generally does not refer to SCPs, it refers to test subjects (usually D-Class) interacting with SCPs. SCPs are typically objects.
Addendum: Could possibly be used for healing purposes. Further research and studies must be conducted.
I said this before, but I'll say it again, you are all over the map with what this thing does.
Addendum Two: Exercise extreme caution when making eye contact with 2874. If infuriated, it may severely alter your brain.
The Foundation would not be allowing people to make eye contact with this, and the term "you" would not appear in a technical document (direct address in general is not going to be clinical tone)
Most personnel have come out unharmed, although two or three have left with dementia, schizophrenia, and dyslexia.
Is it two or three. Did the Foundation lose count?
Should you feel pain or fear, break eye contact IMMEDIATELY and exit the room.
Technical documents do not have emphasis like that.
Foreword: One member of the Class-D personnel was selected at random. █████ will be allowed to ask questions to 2874.
What does the D-Class have to do with this interview.
Interviewer: So, before we begin, how should I refer to you?
This is really not something I think people are going to react well to, the Foundation is generally not cast as giving a shit what nicknames SCPs have given themselves.
I'm actually not going to LbyL the Interview log because it can be blanket covered by this: I don't buy that the Foundation has a researcher who asked that. It applies to pretty much every line you give to the interviewer.
So I'll set aside the tonal and conventional issues for a moment, and lets talk about what your SCP is.
It is a sapient monster that can drive you crazy when it makes eye contact. At this level of maturity in the wiki, there needs to be a good story behind an anomaly with make up, because we have seen it several times before. The good news, is you know that too, because you gave some serious consideration to giving this thing some character and a backstory, instead of just being a faceless "kills stuff" monster it seem to have motivations. Kudos on that.
But this moves us into nebulous territory, I got what you were going for, but this piece feels very unfocused, from the start to the finish you are throwing different anomalous properties at it and then immediately forgetting about them, to the (sorry for the brutal term) weak characterisation of the foundation interviewer (I don't buy that guy at all) you really don't build up momentum, tension, or interest in the piece.
There is a way to write this idea that works, but it is going to take a lot of development. So here is what I would suggest as your course of action.
At that point you can probably go for a repost and get more feedback.
Good luck.
Thanks for the tips. Going back right now to rewrite a second draft.
Rewrote the draft. I'd love some more feedback!
Meh. This didn't really interest me. It's a creature that creates, alters and removes memories… for no reason. To be brutally honest, I can't imagine this succeeding in anything close to it's current incarnation. Sorry, but I think you should scrap this.
Sorry, but I think you should scrap this.
Dr Leonard, telling an author to outright scrap an entire draft is rather harsh. In the future, please advise the author to either set the draft aside to work on once they've gotten more experience/reading, or rework the idea. We want people on the forums to feel that their writing efforts are worthwhile, and they have the ability to fix things should the first draft have mistakes.
I didn't decide to scrap it because of his comment. I scrapped it because I could not see it going any further at all.
Special Containment Procedures: The entity becomes hostile if the temperature discomforts it.
1. Don't call it "the entity" 2. You don't need this in the procedures
Temperature must remain between 18°C and 21°C, as higher or lower temperatures seem to increase hostility.
Temperature of what? Also you don't need the reasoning, just say what needs to happen.
In order to prevent SCP-2875 from harming any personnel entering the room, the entity must be blindfolded and handcuffed at all times unless research is being conducted or it is being interviewed.
This is stupid. Why would you not have it blindfolded during the interview? It's just so you can randomly wipe the brain of a C-Class in the interview.
SCP-2874 is a creature that is able to control the thoughts and memories of all subjects that make eye contact.
Make eye contact with it, I assume. And I question how one controls the memories of another.
The specimen
Don't do this. No "the specimen" no "the entity" no "the thingamajigy." There is SCP-XXXX, and only SCP-XXXX.
Addendum: Could possibly be used for healing purposes. Further research and studies must be conducted.
No it couldn't, the Foundation doesn't just use random anomalies like this anymore.
Addendum Two: Exercise extreme caution when making eye contact with SCP-2874. If infuriated, it may severely alter your brain. Most personnel have come out with only a few memories missing, although seven have left with dementia, schizophrenia, or dyslexia.
The tone, and the implication that Foundation personnel don't understand this — when it is a very simple and obvious concept, makes this addendum pretty bad.
Should you feel pain or fear, break eye contact immediately and exit the room.
You don't need to use italics, and you don't need this in the description rather than the procedures.
Foreword: One member of the Class C personnel was selected at random. █████ will be allowed to communicate with SCP-2874.
Why? Why would they randomly select C-Class instead of D-Class?
Okay, so. Humanoid that alters memories. Fair amount of tone issues, incompetency on the Foundation's part. The thing itself is uninteresting and what you trying doing with it doesn't make any sense from a Foundation perspective.
I realize this has a lot of issues, this was my first attempt at an SCP. But thanks for the critique, I've got a better idea this time.
As of now this is scrapped. But I may come back to this idea someday.
(account deleted)
