I don’t think this is for me.
The tone you’re going for feels something like “Neuromancer” meets “Dresden Files with the rating turned up”. I don’t think this would necessarily bad, I’m just not a fan of the way it’s executed.
I’m just gonna move in sections.
I don't usually hang around Three Portlands, […]
The hot euphoria of my innards being melted down and rebuilt by my chest engine is better than sex.
Needs better description of dives than “second to none”. I like how the bartenders not being programmed conceptually continues into the actual description of the robot bartender: a general statement moving to a particular action to insert the reader into the scene. However, transition from city to bar is shaky: it feels like there’s a small gap. Establish name early I think. Second sentence feels out of rhythm with the rest. The physical description of the bar and cocktail could especially be tightened up. I don’t think the descriptions together give a solid enough picture of the place.
“Hits like a freight train”, “toss back”, and “better than sex” are lazy turns of phrase. The description of the drink lacks impacts: we’re told that it’s this grand spectacle, but the form doesn’t match it. The sentences feel clipped and to-the-point, so it doesn’t quite work for the reader.
The tone doesn’t grab me but it doesn’t push me away either. It’s very much immediately settling into a genre, weird fantasy noir, which isn’t necessarily bad but depends on how it develops. I think this is a decent start: It establishes where it is on the wacky/serious scale and quickly preps the reader for the upcoming violence/sexuality. The blit-bombs become relevant in the action earlier, which is good. The idea of a drink that melts robot innards is a cool one. Still, something feels off. I think part of it is how much it feels to be self-consciously thematizing just one or two things at the same time. What I mean is that the attempts to capture the gritty, dangerous feel of the place, I think you shoot over the mark and push it so far that you dont end up allowing any other information through. We learn through subtext that the bar is bad and the protagonist lives on the edge, but trying to probe deeper than that doesn’t feel very productive. I’ll elaborate on this as we go on, it isn’t a problem as specific to this paragraph.
While I'm coming down off the high of ingested toxic waste […] I'm lighting up a cigarette when the hobo draws a pistol on me.
“Coming down off the high” could be replaced with more specific, evocative description. “Sidles” is a extremely writerly word, and a common one. I don’t like it. Structure of paragraph of long sentence -> two short sentences works well and matches the action. All in all I think this bit “works” on a formal level, in that it matches with its contents in an effective way.
"FBI! Put your hands up! […] The agent stares at me. "Hands up!
List of crimes is fine, does its job of mixing serious/fake stuff and getting a bit of a laugh. Could probably be improved somehow, can’t think of specifics at the moment. It could be interesting if, instead of just listing random crimes, you could do it in such a way so that it can be read as all were committed as part of the same spree/activity maybe. Tell some sort of mini-narrative within the paragraph. I think that’s something I’m getting at: Every sentence and paragraph is a mini-narrative, and has to be properly structured as such.
Second paragraph is good.
I get the joke your going for but I think the Jaywalking bit feels a bit make it a tough line and there’s probably something better there that could still be funny.
I think the hoodied man shouuldn’t wink to her- too on the nose. She just moves her attention to him maybe. There’s gotta be a better way to describe a wizard than just “he had that fire-magicky look about him”.
Instead of staring I think the agent should be drawn as more active, threatening with the pistol. Show stakes of situation again.
The agent stares at me […] I wink.. “Nothing”
Stop saying sidles again. Good job slowing down the scene. You don’t need to mention they’re back-up, the reader can get it. Other than that this is a decent section: well paced and built to a good climax.
The hobgoblin smashes his bottle over the agent's head […] This will be harder than I thought.
What happens to the agent? Unconscious? Still shooting? While “exotic depressants” could be a useful description of alcohol, it doesn’t feel like the right phrase for this section.
“I didn’t start this” is basically Whedon humor.
Again I think something more descriptive, like an action or factoid, would be better than “the heavy hitters”. “The guys who […]” Wizard Swat falls flat, basically because it’s what everyone is already imagining and doesn’t need to be stated.
“This will be harder than I thought” also feels like a stale phrase to indicate “they’re in trouble but can handle it”.
Okay I think the close reading has exhausted itself. You get the general things I’m looking at by now I think. So what are my big picture thoughts? I think it goes back to “how much it feels to be self-consciously thematizing just one or two things at the same time”. It’s action, and it’s well done, engaging action, but it’s meaningless action: there are no emotional stakes for the characters, no real sense of danger ever, it’s basically just there for the sake of having an intro. Or to put it another way: There are dozens of ways you could completely rewrite this scene and it would actually feel like it had changed. There’s gaps where it needs action, and that action could be fulfilled by almost anything. I don’t feel like I’m getting anything out of this specific action. I think there’s something similar with the Inside Man interaction later. There’s banter, but it just feels like it’s there for the sake of establishing they banter before the exposition starts. It feels replaceable.
The rest is better, as it feels like it’s finally settling down into a story that’s important and specific, and because the switch from comedy action to horror/psychological damage works well. I think it could work even better, though, if the action at the beginning were reworked in such a way that it actually felt like it flowed into what comes next, rather than just stalling until it appears. I haven’t read enough to know if the dream stuff is relevant or also falls in the category “could just be replaced”
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