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SCP-4983 Is a rusty old cog that develops rust every 3 day, which the staff members polish it with a new polish substance, which makes the rust develop a lot more slowly. Even though this is the case the rust seems to become more immune to it overtime, it seems to be alive like a sort of fungi. The fungi like rust will react to any flesh like substance if touched without wearing any specialized equipment, -29 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
Let’s see the major problems here…
1. Unnecessary bolding of words
2. Cross-link to 002 for no good reason.
3. Only staff with level 5 clearance can interact with it for some reason.
4. It doesn’t explain why the the facility should immediately go to backup power
And probably some more stuff, but I’m to lazy/unmotivated to find them.
Why is this Thaumiel? It seems too dangerous to be really of any use, considering the fact that the cog can cause people's skin to melt off. Also minor nickpick, but 'The Cog of Doom' is a really cheesy name.
I'm not downvoting the article, I think the idea is good, it's just poorly executed.
Suggestions:
The Special Containment Procedures feel less of "What the hell do I do to contain this thing?" and more "What the hell happens when it breaks containment?" Guards are standard procedure, no need to include that unless they have to be in a particular order or position. The breach thing is sort of expected if the device is generating the power, so that's a given.
The thing about the suit at the end is something that should be in the containment procedures, as it is not standard to wear a hazmat suit when interacting with an SCP. While I'm at it, it's worth noting that the mention of the effects should be in the description, not an addendum. An addendum is like an afterthought, so by putting the effects in the addendum, it gives the tone of "Well it kills people but that's not important." Another thing that's out of place is the cleaning part. Not every object is cleaned, so that's something special to the object.
The description lacks a clinical tone and feels more like a journal written by some guy who just happened to be there. I'll give some examples of what I mean:
1. Instead of "…which makes the rust develop a lot more slowly.", which is grammatically incorrect (I think), and it feels like some kid walked into the foundation and just described what he/she saw to their parents. That's fine if you want to tell a story, but if you're going for a normal SCP object (Which I'm assuming from the short article length), then it can't feel like a kid randomly stumbled across it. I would suggest writing something along the things of "…reducing the rate at which the object rusts.".
2. "SCP-4983 Is a rusty old cog that develops rust every 3 day.", by describing it as rusty, it feels as if the object can not rust more, but then it does. Also, rust does not appear spontaneously, it builds up over a period of time. If the period is 3 days, then instead of "…every 3 day.", you would instead write "…over a period of 3 days." Note how 3 days refers to multiple days, so the word "day" should be plural, so add an "s" to the end. With all corrections done, this sentence becomes "SCP-4983 is an old cog that rusts over a period of three (3) days."
One more thing: some of the stuff is way out of place. I'll try to list them all off, but I may have missed some, so please search for yourself.
1. "The cog needs to be placed in the machine that powers the facility." That belongs in the description next to the basic description of the cog, so it would end up something like "SCP-4983 is an old cog that is part of the main power generator at Site-XX." Replace the two x's with black boxes if you want to redact it, which I would suggest doing since there tends to be a thing where the specific site the thing is stored at isn't openly available.
2. Effects of touching the cog should be in the description.
3. The part about it gaining immunity is an ongoing event, not an innate quality, therefore, it belongs in an addendum.
4. Polishing belongs in the Special Containment Procedures.
5. A lot of the Special Containment Procedures are contingency plans, which belong in their own addendum.
6. Object class is NOT thaumuel, thaumuel is when the object is very important, eg. it is nessecary to prevent a K-Class scenario, or to contain a Keter entity. Powering a facility isn't essential, it's really easy just to replace it.
Finally, due to the shift in attitude towards SCPs as of late, I would suggest writing a story as to WHY it's used in power generation.
Hi, Arcanum. I've been lurking on the site for quite a bit of time and reading stuff. This could be an interesting skip. Almost all ideas can be saved or written with good execution. Now, how could you execute this article?
You could give this skip a story. A story of recovery? Maybe, if this is alive, you could make it a sentient cog that reacts to fleshlike substances because it doesn't like to be used for power generation. And maybe it hates Foundation because of it. I made the same mistake when I created a draft; no story at all. Series 4 and 5 now have a lot of story based Skips.
I also misunderstood Thaumiel once. Thaumiel is not simply something useful for the Foundation (power generation). It is something used directly to contain other skips. While power is necessary for a containment facility, it does not directly serve a unique containment niche. For example, Telekill Alloy (SCP-148) blocks all mind-affecting signals (such as nasty skips that send mind affecting signals). Your cog, however, could be replaced by another power generator (such as billions of hamsters running on wheels for an absurd example).
Saying that "if the backup power goes out then all the Skips will breach containment and the protocols are to be implemented" is kinda redundant. Don't use it. Also, two facility guards guarding your skip is standard Foundation protocol. What I think the containment protocols should be is "clean it once a week with the polish, don't touch it if you aren't protected, and don't move the goddamned thing without backup power". In clinical tone, of course. I'd also like an explanation of why it's being used for power generation.
Unless you have a good reason as to why there are negative effects to touching your skip (such as "it dislikes being used by the Foundation and it's sentient"), don't make the negative effects happen. Body horror for the sake of body horror is a cheap thrill and it'll seem like it was tacked on to make it more anomalous.
Finally, please keep a clinical tone. For example, "SCP-4983 Is a rusty old cog that develops rust every 3 day, which the staff members polish it with a new polish substance, which makes the rust develop a lot more slowly" could be revised to say "SCP-4983 is a cog that develops a coating of iron oxide over the duration of three days." Polishing would be under the containment procedures. "This cog needs to be placed inside the machine that powers the facility. If the users skin makes contact then the user will begin to get constant headaches. The user's skull will indent" could be revised by "SCP-4983 is to be placed inside the facility's power generator." This sentence goes inside containment procedures. "If any humans make skin contact with SCP-4983, they will experience constant migraines and their skill will deform to the point of indentation". Wearing a hazmat suit is also containment procedure.
Yeah! So that's my summary feedback. I would suggest copy-pasting the SCP that you wrote to a sandbox page, Microsoft Word, or a Google Doc. Copy-paste my crit/feedback there too, so you can have things to reference. Wikidot PM me if you have questions.
I won't downvote this. Others have because they think that it's a bad SCP. However, 99.99999 percent of ideas can be saved by good execution.
Good luck!
GenericSkipper
Aside from being poorly written, the current concept isn't interesting whatsoever. It needs to be massively expanded upon.
SCP 4765 appears to be a wizard/witch of some kind. The gender is unknown, and so is its age. It's origin seems to come from a satanic background. The SCP usually speaks in an unidentified language, preferably Satanic. The SCP never seems to remove its hood, which it is seen wearing a lot of the time. The SCP has many anomalous properties such as, -22 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
Theres so many errors and ridiculous things im not entirely sure this is serious. The concept is basically nothing and keeps referencing other SCPs, you keep switching between saying scp and SCP, and weird little things like saying it speaks an unidentified language, preferably satanic which doesnt make sense on numerous levels.
Alright, let's go over this.
This needs a ton of work; next time I suggest using the Sandbox and Brainstorming Forum.
SCP-4875 in its docile state appears as a middle aged caucasian male, mildly overweight, standing at 167 Centimeters. SCP-4875 tends to wear either a buttoned shirt or sports jacket, with a lanyard around its neck containing a school ID card, with the name ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ ▓▓▓▓ on it, and appears to take the appearance of a mathematics educator, -13 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
Ok, so this can be boiled down to an entity which enters a "rage state", a concept which is usually frowned upon. Mainly because it makes the article look silly in places where it doesn't try to be.
Another thing is that the Foundation wants to make him think he still does lectures, but why exactly? Does he completely ignore the damage he causes towards structures and people when he goes hulk mode?
Lastly, you mentioned he looks like a math teacher, which is overly vague and not clinical.
Some nitpicks:
I would personally remove the word “currently” from containment procedures because it implies that they will soon change. If they won’t change, why say currently? And if they will change, well it’s usually more fun when the foundation is caught by surprise by a suddenly change in an object’s nature.
Also, the procedure stating that it’s being moved, I would get rid of. These are documents people will be reading over a large course of time, and the idea that will appear is that this article object is just on an endless road trip to another facility. Some note about it being moved could be good, but procedures in the present tense usually should include relocation as a thing of the past (or future if it’s some object where a relocation method has not been discovered but desperately needs to get done)
Also, why is it being kept at the high school? Is it really that powerful that mtf can’t move it from the classroom? Imo, the foundation would sooner cut out the entire classroom and airlift it by helicopter than allow such a dangerous creature to exist in a real high school full of kids.
this is an in-joke about your math teacher isn't it.
SCP-4462 is a designation given to the content of a 12cm x 7cm x 2cm tin container with "Placebo pills" written in bold, white font. The said tin box contains 12 11 10 [9] separate white 2cm in diameter powder-based pills (designated SCP-4462) made entirely out of disaccharide sugars(C12 H22 O11 ). Upon oral contact with the SCP-4462, the subject (now referred to as SCP-4462-1) is instantly relieved of any pain they might have experienced prior, -12 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
You may wanna work on some of your spelling and grammar, especially in the testing logs. Additionally, there are times when you change tenses from past to present in the same logs.
SCP-4091 is a 175 cm tall Matryoshka1, seemingly carved from a single piece of oak wood. SCP-4091 is comprised of at least 13 (SCP-4091-1 through 13) nested dolls, each approximately 75% the size of the previous instance. Each instance possesses a unique paint job, though all instances are painted to look like clowns, -11 and three staff votes.
Little is known of SCP-4736's appearance at the moment due to its ability. From the data provided by the Class Ds that have been assigned the object, SCP-4736 is a humanoid figure suffering extreme gigantism far greater than the previous record. The object stands a towering 4 meters tall or (15 feet). However, the item appears to have no health defects and has actually proven superior in vision and strength. The subject is said to appear malnourished despite the amount of food provided and digested, -14 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
The room is to contain no less than five (5) Class D personnel with good vision (No glasses or contacts. Subject must have at least 20/25 vision).
This kinda ruined it. Why D class? I thought they were for testing not for security protocols. The rest is uninteresting. It’s a skinny man who controls things oh no. It’s more of a monster manual.
SCP-4305 refers to the swamp of the area in question, while SCP-4305-1 refers to the individuals roaming the swamp itself. SCP-4305is located near the town of ██████, in north-western Serbia. SCP-4305-1 and SCP-4305-2 respectively, appear to be two unidentified Yugoslav People's Army soldiers, equipped with Zavstava M48 Rifles, Rations, M-52 Gas Masks, and other equipment accurate with standard Yugoslavian infantry equipment of the 1960’s. Almost no Yugoslavian records show their existence. Both individuals will wander the swamp every day until someone enters. When someone enters the swamp, the humanoids will lightly push and harass the subject around until they leave the swamp, -14 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
As per our Image Use Policy, you should always make sure you are sourcing your images. These images must also comply with the SCP Wiki's CC BY-SA 3.0 liscence.
Make sure you properly source your images next time you post an article, or you run the risk of having the images being removed. Thank you.
While an interesting idea, the execution of it breaks the article.
The cliche redactions of locations are a bit annoying, and the clinical tone fails in some parts. Grammar could be better, but does not affect the ability to read the article in any meaningful way.
Tip: never use first person in any context, unless it is an anomalous effect of the scip, or it’s a transcript of an interview or something along those lines. For example, there’s a part where the term “Us” is used. Instead of that, try using “Foundation personnel”.
Also, why would the Foundation not have their own personnel to patrol the anomalous area? If there’s an actual reason, it should be mentioned in the containment procedures (“due to a conflict with the [X] government…”) or it should be corrected.
In conclusion: it’s a good idea and it has potential, but it needs to be cleaned up before it can be called something worthy of the Foundation.
Aside from the grammar/writing problems Scurvywaif mentioned, there is some issues with the story. First of all, there is very little story at all. It essentially amounts to "doctor enters a swamp for an interview, he gets shot." While very short stories can work, they need to be backed up by the description and executed properly. Finally, the description could be shortened a little without losing anything. For example:
Yugoslav People's Army soldiers, equipped with Zavstava M48 Rifles, Rations, M-52 Gas Masks
This could be trimmed down to
Yugoslav People's Army soldiers, equipped with a rifle and gas mask
I know this doesn't seem like much, but over the course of several paragraphs it can make a big difference.
SCP-4578, starting testing, Work in progress, summarily deleted at -11 with taylor_itkin witnessing as it was an unfinished piece.
When Death Comes Knocking, His right eye was swollen shut, He could barely see in the dark room. His throat was coarse, and sore. His body was covered with Mud and Blood. He was crawling through bogs of poisonous water, and swamps of bodies and rats. Rainfall came, Light at first, then it turned into a fury of water, stinging him. The rain made his body feel like it was on fire. The acid tore at his flesh and bones. Ripping through his clothing. He was nearing a small tunnel, -14 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
Where is the SCP? What is up with all the weird capitalizations, like with mud, blood and comrades? Nothing really happened either; this feels very unfinished.
First of all, this is incomplete.
Second of all, there are random capitalizations, iffy punctuation, and incorrect use of adjectives. (E.G his throat was coarse. Coarse is used to describe something that is thinned out, eg coarse dirt. Dirt that is loose. Think of sand. Sand is very coarse. A throat cannot be like sand. A throat can hurt, ache, etc, but cannot be coarse.
Third of all, this just isn't very good.
Obviously, this is in some war setting, but that's about it. The character remains unnamed and undescribed. The setting which the character is in remains vaguely described. This needs to be run through multiple, thorough rounds of critique and needs to be expanded out because this is not ready to be a fully fledged tale. Also, what skip is this referencing? is it 106, following B8_C's reading of 'The Young Man'? You need to clarify this.
The lone paragraph has a lot to digest. Generally, short stories similar to this very rarely work. As far as I know, there are no tales I'm aware of which have one paragraph. Most tales have some sort of climax, which then ties said tale with a skip. Not all tales directly reference a skip, but most do, as it's a rule.
I'm honestly really not in the mood to critique line by line, so I'll just do it tmr by editing this comment. Gl author
SCP-4958 is a tusk belonging to the Elephantidae family. Specifically, SCP-4958 belongs to an adult Elephas maximus borneensis or Borneo Pygmy Elephant. SCP-4958 is around 20 kilograms in weight and 3 metres in length. All attempts to destroy or eradicate SCP-4985 have been unsuccessful. SCP-4958 has the anomalous ability to dimly glow or shine in pitch black rooms making it impossible for SCP-4958 to not be seen, -12 and three staff votes.
SCP-4508 is what appears to be a small box of marshmallow bunnies made from the company Peeps. The box itself has no anomalous effects but the marshmallows inside the box do. When the box is empty, it will begin to grow more marshmallows seemingly out of nowhere until the box is full. When one of the marshmallows are consumed by a person, the person will begin to feel joy, energetic, and excitement. This raises the performance and moral of the affected person, -11 and three staff votes.
Feedback ported:
The tone and containment are both off (really, 3 meters high for a box of peeps? That's big enough to hold a human in. A regular storage locker is more than sufficient) and the idea is pretty bland, and never developed. It's basically SCP-999 in infinite food form.
SCP-4251 is a sleek metal spacecraft with the words “Pioneers for the Solar Alliance” on the hull. Only the bridge of the space vessel and a few floors below it remains intact. The vessel is hypothesized to have been very large; possibly large enough to hold a thousand people comfortably. SCP-4251-1 is an Asian male claiming to be from Earth; He was formerly Foundation personnel, improperly self-deleted, cleared at -6 with ARD witnessing.
Test D, TEST D WILL NOW COMMENCE Footage begins. The camera activated as researchers gave D-55020 the backpack full of equipment and tested the environment suit for an airtight seal. D-55020 was instructed to enter the opposite side of the ship. Another airlock the researchers told him was used for emergency E.V.A. It wasn't very big nor was it very easy to reach. He would have to lower in the backpack full of gear first and himself second, improperly self-deleted, cleared at -3 with ARD witnessing.
SCP-4509 is an alleyway that spans for one block between two rows of houses. from every perspective it appears as a normal standard alleyway. It has a gravel road and typical backyard driveways. On the inside of SCP-4509, the alleyway and the buildings are the same. They are just abandoned and do not function as all electrical wires in the dimension do not exist. The only thing that has light in SCP-4509 is the overhead lampposts, that shut off when the time turns to 12:00 am.
Deleted at -12 and three votes.
SCP-4472 is to be exact, a dormant active "Super-volcano".Super-volcanoes are large volcanoes that have created an eruption of size magnitude 8, the largest value on the Volcanic Explosivity Index (VEI). A supervolcano of this magnitude is a rare appearance, as only a recorded 6 have been discovered around Earth. SCP-4472 erupts on average about once every 140 years (of which the foundation have witnessed 2), giving the foundation a lengthy amount of time for several tests. SCP-4472 emits a dangerously strong light when erupting (estimated at about 20000W) and sometimes releases this light at random points in the year, on average once, twice or on a rare occasion, 3 times annually. This could cause brutal and fatal aftermath, of which are listed above. With this knowledge, the foundation is trying extensively hard to find out more information that could reveal the true nature of SCP-4472, as it could pose a colossal threat to the area around it (███████████ National Park). SCP-4472 has been through several tests and explorations, of which contained incoherent results. Through these explorations, one of our main examiners of SCP-4472, Researcher ████ ██████ was lost, or so we think.
Deleted at -13 and three votes.
SCP-4295 is a mid-sized Regina series music box dating back to 1922, loaded inside is a disk of the song Funiculi, Funicula, a Neapolitan song composed in 1880. Upon SCP-4295 detecting a target, it begins playback a buried message in an unknown language reminiscent of Latin at an inaudible frequency. If approached, a subject seemingly liquefies, as SCP-4295's primary effect manifests. The liquid particles are absorbed by SCP-4295 and excreted after varying periods of time averaging approximately 36 minutes. All surviving subjects have been showing various states of mental and emotional distress — ranging from feelings of deep unnerve to irreversible catatonic states.
Deleted at -12 and three votes.
Feedback Ported:
This desperately needs editing. Your grasp of scientific terminology is poor, your phrasing is often garbled, and important passages are indecipherable. Basic rules of diction and grammar are, in many places, tossed to the wind.
Examples:
…which is to be subject to an integrity check per the 1st of each month.
"…which is to be subjected to an integrity check on the first of each month."
Upon SCP-4295 detecting a target, it begins to playback a buried message in an undiscerned language reminiscent of Latin at an inaudible frequency.
"Upon detecting a target, SCP-4295 begins to play a message in an unknown language. This message is inaudible to test subjects."
The liquid particles are absorbed by SCP-4295 and excreted after varying periods averaging approximately 36 minutes when handling expired subjects.
(I haven't the slightest idea what you're trying to convey here.)
These passages are all from the first two paragraphs of a very long article, but are absolutely representative of the style of the rest of the work.
My hypothesis: People who are upvoting are doing so based on an original idea, and are capable of overlooking the poor prose. People who are downvoting are doing so because they object to the mangling of our native language, and either cannot find the original idea contained within, or consider it to not be compelling enough to overcome the errors and typos.
Hello,
I wanted to start by saying congrats, you overcame writer's block and the crippling fear of releasing something many people have.
That is good, take that confidence and remember to use it when it's called for.
Before going in-depth I want to state that I am not wiki staff, an author, or even a recognizable figure in the community; I simply want to help authors like you get better, and maybe learn something along the way.
SCP-4295 is currently housed within a soundproof locker at Site 64.
Typically, you want to avoid terms like "currently" in this context. A simple, "Is contained in a soundproofed containment locked" would do fine.
Each wall in SCP-4295's chamber has been padded with one meter (1m) of Mass Loaded Vinyl, which is to be subject to an integrity check per the 1st of each month.
First, "the walls in..", "the walls of", or "each wall has" each work better.
Second, if I were to contain it with 1.1 meter thick foam, would that cause a containment breach? If no, then this detail is probably removeable (you did already specify it's soundproofed after all).
Finally, that last part is just… bizzare wording. "which is to be inspected on the first of each month".
Description: SCP-4295 is a mid sized Regina series music box dating back to 1922,
Ok, is "mid-sized" the proper name of it, or is that just normal talk? There are times when it's okay to not be absolutely 100% clinical, but this seems like something a researcher or docotor would say, "ok, but what IS mid-sized" over.
loaded inside is a disk of Funiculi, Funicula, a Neapolitan song composed in 1880.
I would either italicize the name of the song or put it in quotation marks.
Upon SCP-4295 detecting a target, it begins to playback a buried message in an undiscerned language reminiscent of Latin at an inaudible frequency.
Ok, so here's your hook, the thing that is supposed to make me say, "wow, I need to finish this article."
While definitely not bad, it also doesn't make much sense.
How is something reminiscent (similar) to Latin if it's impossible for human ears to register?
If approached, a subject seemingly liquefies, as SCP-4295's primary effect manifests.
if (when).
Does the subject seeming;y liquify or actually liquify? It's a pretty easy and objective thing to find out.
The liquid particles are absorbed by SCP-4295 and excreted after varying periods averaging approximately 36 minutes when handling expired subjects.
Ok, as Veloci pointed out, this is very hard to read.
I'm assuming what you're saying is that when a subject gets too close they liquify and are then absorbed by SCP-4295.
Then, at random intervals lasting an average (never ever use "averaging approximately", it's either an average or an approximation) of 36 minutes.
If that's not what you meant, you need to rewrite this section because it's not conveying your meaning.
If it is, then you probably still want to consider some large edits to make it clear without multiple readings.
All surviving tested personnel have been recovered in various states of mental and emotional distress — ranging from feelings of deep unnerve to irreversible catatonic states.
But how though? The human body is 60% water, and your brain is +70% water.
You cannot survive losing your water content, period.
Unless this is a secondary effect of SCP-4295, and if it is that should be clarified.
As evident by Test B and subsequent experiments, some cases may not end in fatality,
How? How does an individual survive losing 60% of their body mass ever?
but all subjects exposed to SCP-4295's secondary effect begin experiencing symptoms analogous to that of a panic attack.
So this is a common mistake that I've seen in lower rated articles.
Your verb tense changes, and is often in a tense that just isn't appropriate for the average article (not that it can't be done if you're very careful).
"Begin to experience" is much more clinical than "begin experiencing" in this case (at least IMO).
Also, while analogous could work in this case, it feels like you're grasping for big words to make it seem more intelligent (I'm not calling you unintelligent, I'm saying the article doesn't feel like a doctor with years of experience wrote it).
Testing periods are to not exceed ten minutes, as both effects of SCP-4295 have proven mentally damaging to observing research personnel past that point.
Please elaborate.
There are memetic and cognitohazards that will literally rip your mind apart, so it needs to be clarified if you mean that an effect of SCP-4295 is that it literally harms observer's minds, or if it's simply highly disturbing to witness.
Of expired personnel exposed to SCP-4295, the majority were found to have hereditary links to Panic Disorder.
This just feels… off.
I can't quite pin down a word, or even particular area, or this that is wrong, per say, but it doesn't feel right.
One subject exposed to SCP-4295 was terminated within 78 hours of exposure, after suffering from acute internal asphyxiation.
I have never heard of "acute internal asphyxiation", nor can I find anything online about that being an actual medical term.
If you want to make up a term, or use an especially rare term, go for it.
However, you should probably have some elaboration: otherwise, it'll feel like "because magic".
Attempts to remove or interact with the exposed individual result in the subject collapsing and immediate loss of consciousness.
This is a bit tricky, but I'm almost certain you could omit "remove" and you would be perfectly fine.
I can't imagine anyone but the most unimaginative sticklers to say "of well I can remove them without interacting." Seems like you could simplify this part.
Attempts to disconnect the disk and disassemble SCP-4295, have been unsuccessful.
Bit of a nitpick, but "all attempts to disconnect…" flows better.
Acquisition:
I am not the most well read person on the wiki, but I have never seen "acquisition."
It's almost always "discovery".
SCP-4295 was acquired on the outskirts of Boone, North Carolina, and transferred to Site 64 in December of 1973.
Credit where credit is due, you didn't give it pointless redaction here. Legit good job.
In the period preceding SCP-4295's acquisition,
"Prior to SCP-4295's containment" sounds much better and is more clear.
the object was purchased by a family of four civilians, two males and two females.
"The item" is more common, though I could see "object" being used. Just a suggestion.
Also, are their genders at all relevant?
Three were recovered in a state of rapid decay, the grey matter of the cadavers had been drained from the nostrils along with a compound of emotion inducing hormones.
Ok… so does the SCiP always drain from the nostrils? You never mentioned this before and it's oddly specific.
Also, (nearly) all hormones alter your emotional state, so was it the product of their brains? A side effect of the SCiP? Were they on drugs? We don't know because you didn't tell us.
One was never recovered, estimated to be consumed by SCP-4295.
This just.. doesn't sound Foundation. IDK, maybe it's a thing of nuance, but this sentence doesn't have it.
Perhaps use a semi-color on connect the short sentences?
"estimated" is not the right word here, "believed to be" or "Assumed" would be far better choices.
Finally, so the SCiP liquifies all matter? This wasn't clarified in the description, which is the most important part (from an in-universe perspective).
SCP-4295 was obtained by Mobile Task Force Iota-10 after law enforcement agencies were contacted about the disappearance of the four people.
This is absolutely a case of the minut details that make a sentence feel great or off.
Something like, "Foundation personnel recovered/contained SCP-4295 after investigating a missing persons report on the family who purchased it" would probably be a much better way of saying exactly the same thing.
At the time when an official report was made, Iota-10 had suffered no casualties but had reported the panicked symptoms.
Again, this just isn't worded in a way that feels good.
Maybe try something akin to, "MTF Iota-10 suffered no casualties during recovery/containment, however they did report feelings of uneasy, stress, and (any other panic-attack symptom).
In a span of 78 hours, 2 of 3 Agents within Iota-10 who were exposed to SCP-4295 had expired.
No. MTF operatives. Researchers and agents can become MTF operatives.
Also, this is another case of weird phrasing.
"Over the next 78 hours, two of the three operatives of MTF Iota-10 expired" would probably work.
Only one of the casualties cadavers was recovered and had been reported with a black superfluous liquid running from their nose.
This just feels like you didn't try very hard when writing this sentence.
Maybe you did, but I honestly think you can do better :)
"Of the three original victims of SCP-4259, only one was recovered (that doesn't make sense, but ok). MTF-Iota-10 reported a black superflous liquid running from the vitims' nose".
Finally, this should probably have been placed earlier in the artcile, maybe just after saying one wasn't found.
Subject: Reaction of SCP-4295 to attempted disassembly.
You seem to misunderstand the regular format of testing logs.
Most likely, the subject should have been labeled as D-80286.
…During this experiment,
Completely useless line, I recommend you entirely omit it.
This is a testing log, so we know that this is during this test (note, I called it a test, not an experiment).
…
Results: Upon approaching SCP-4295, the object activated, and began its playback.
Yeah, I'd say this works.
In reaction to this, D-80286 began convulsing rapidly accompanied by violent gasping and the subject collapsing.
You're mixing up your verb tenses again.
Something like "D-80286 Immediately began rapidly convulsing, gasping for breath, and collapsed."
See how much more cohesive that was? Basically, the only change was using the same verb-tense throughout the sentence.
It was at this point a black liquid began to pour from the subject's nostrils.
"at this point" instead of "it was at this point" IMO.
You said the subject was SCP-4295, now you're conflicting with your first line.
Unless the record player has nostrils all of the sudden…
This substance was confirmed identical to the compound recovered from MTF Iota-10.
I would change your punctuation here.
"….. subject's nostrils which was confirmed to be identical to the compound recovered by MTF-Iota-10."
D-80286 attempted bluntly striking the device before liquefaction set in and the subject was consumed by SCP-4295.
Ok so… did he bluntly strike (hit) the object or not? Did his arm liquify as it made contact? You placed a canvas, got out the paint, and said "here's a painting" without actually getting the brush wet.
D-80286's TBR (time before recovery) was the longest in recorded test history, as SCP-4295 only released them after 53 minutes and 7 seconds.
I don't think I've ever seen TBR used in an article before.
If it is a common enough occurence that the Foundation would feel comfortable using it in a SCP file then there would be no need to elaborate on what TBR means, and if it't not common enough it shouldn't be used.
Analysis: A coroner discovered D-80286's official cause of death to be a severe bronchial rupture that developed shortly after two minutes of the subjects exposure.
Your use of "shortly after" and "two minutes of exposure" are really confusing.
Was D-80296 exposed for 2 minutes, then shortly after that stuff happened?
It seems you wanted to say "shortly after exposure" OR "after two minutes of exposure", in which case those two units of time shouldn't be used in conjunction.
Upon further investigation, the subject's blood contained an intense mixture of chemicals that were all released by the brain and pituitary center recently before expiring.
Again, you said the subject was SCP-4295. So the SCiP is dead and we can go home now?
Second, define "an intense mixure of chemicals". What makes it intense? What are it's percentages? What chemicals? You don't have to answer *all* of these questions, but this statement is utterly useless as-is.
Finally, "recently before expiring" just doesn't sound right. Maybe, "shortly before"?
Various amounts of Serotonin, Norepinephrine, and Adrenaline were found in the subject's bloodstream while other key hormones and neural tissue were drained through the nostrils.
What you literally just said was that while tissues were draining they found the hormones in the D's bloodstream.
So they took their blood levels while the fluid was leaking?
If not, try putting a period after "bloodstream" and saying "Neural tissue and several key hormones were discovered draining from the subject's nostrils."
Its believed this chemical "cocktail"
"If I see one more junior researcher use the term "cocktail" while describing a mixture I'm making them all D-class." -05-3.
had reacted poorly with the brain as the subject already suffered from a chemical imbalance tied to these substances.
Maybe say what the imbalance is, instead of "tied to these substances"?
Whether SCP-4295's secondary effect is transmitted as a binaural hazard is unknown. [Further testing requested]
Again, I have never heard of a "binaural hazard" in SCP or any other fictional work.
Also, who requested further testing?
Subject: A subject's ability to withstand SCP-4295's secondary effect when aided with binaural suppressors, and a subject's ability to establish connection from inside of SCP-4295.
This is not a subject, it's a description.
What is a binaural suppressor?
What does, "from inside of SCP" even mean?
Procedure: In this experiment,
Beating a dead horse, but it must be said.
1) These are tests, I don't think I've ever seen a sucessful article use the term "experiment".
2) You don't have to specify that you are doing a test. We're reading a test log, everything in this section should be devoted to the test (except in cases where you'r doing some meta stuff, but you aren't).
test subject Alpha
"D-676846, subject A…".
We have to know who the subject is (or, maybe if you'd told us in the part wholly devoted to explaining who are subjects were….).
was issued hormonal stabilizers and industrial grade ear protection on grounds of withstanding SCP-4295's secondary effect,
Ok, so some hand-waving is obviously allowed. After all, amnestics were originally a hand-wave I'm willing to bet.
But maybe give it a name so it seems real?
Also, "on grounds of…" seems out of place. Maybe, "to protect the subject from SCP-4295's secondary effect."
while test subject Beta was issued a stereo two way communicator and instructed to approach SCP-4295 for testing.
Um, ok…
Also, "two-way".
Only one of the involved personnel suffered irreparably from the effects of SCP-4295, see results for further elaboration.
No, tell me who suffered here or don't tell me someone suffered at all (in this section).
Results:
300 seconds
If it's exactly 300 seconds you should probably say "exactly five minutes".
If you want to use seconds to sound better, make it slightly off.
following exposure to SCP-4295, test subject Alpha was reported convulsing in place before collapsing and vomiting on the chamber floor.
While different people react differently to distress, this is an inconsistentcy.
Either it induces vomiting or it doesn't, IMO.
Also, "began" not "was reported".
This log was written by the person claiming all this after all.
Test subject Alpha expired within this time frame,
Wait, so they kept convulsing after death?
Cause that's an important detail you should clearly state if so.
the bone marrow within the subject's dactyls had turned a pitch color and had begun to seep through the skin which had narrowed by 3mm.
Whoa, we got a smart-person over here.
First, dactyls is usually used when referring to music.
Second, it's a completely useless word in this context. It literally means three-boned finger, so you should have used a real English word like index finger or the proper medical term for whichever finger you're talking about.
Don't use words you don't understand to try to sound smart, it makes you look even worse.
If you're not sure what a word means, Google it.
Then you actually do sound smart and, even better, you literally do become smarter by learning what that word means.
The same hormonal compound, was drained through the nostrils, and the orbits of the skull.
//you, used way, too many, commas.
"the same hormonal compound was drained through the nostrils and orbits of the skull".
Test subject Beta had established communication with control from inside of SCP-4295, reporting to be in an environment comparable to that of the ocean.
wait wait wait wait. Hold the phonograph (see what I did there).
They went inside the record player?
The fact it could be entered was never established in any meaningful way.
Like, you said 'inside the SCiP' but I assumed you meant something like reaching their hand inside it's boundaries, not literally inside it.
Also, you can omit "had".
Test subject Beta insisted that SCP-4295's secondary effect had been nullified by the fluid interior.
This is unclear.
Was the effect nullified because the interior was fluid or directly by the interior itself?
When inspection was prompted they did report the black liquid on the tip of their nose, fingers, and in their eyes,
"D-blah/Subject-B was asked if they were secreting any fluids" or something like that.
however the fluid was dissipating quickly and no physical scarring was evident.
You usually need to place a comma after the word "however".
Also, you never established that the fluid caused scarring, so the lack of scarring is completely pointless to mention.
Did it also not make the subject a pretty pretty princess? (That's purposefully ridiculous, but I think it illustrates my point more clearly).
Despite the salt water environment, test subject Beta continued breathing as normal through some unknown means.
"through unknown means" instead of "some unknown means".
600 seconds following exposure to SCP-4295, It was at this point, test subject Beta reported hearing music, and was told to pull away from SCP-4295.
Again, if it is exactly a minute mark then use the minute, otherwise make it slightly off if using seconds.
Also, "it was at this point" is simply a pointless phrase sinse you literally just said at what point we're speaking of.
Finally, they pulled away from SCP-4295? I thought they were in the SCiP.
Do you mean that their containment cell is like an ocean, maybe?
You're all over the place here.
After 30 seconds of subject Beta struggling to exit SCP-4295, they emerged in front of SCP-4295 drenched in salt water.
Ok, this honestly is making me question my sanity. Maybe I'm more tired than I thought, but this is alllll over the place.
When approached, SCP-4295 appeared to be inert, before suddenly activating and encapsulating a nearby guard (Agent Keurig) who was instructed to investigate SCP-4295's seemingly dormant state.
This is what we call a run-on sentence.
Easy ways to avoid run-on sentences are period, colons, and semi-colons. There are some great resources online to help you learn when to use each of these punctuation marks; I can provide a link if you'd like.
Additionally, "encapsulating" doesn't seem to be the right word. Maybe "ensnaring"?
Agent Keurig was never recovered from SCP-4295.
"Agent Keurig is yet to be recovered from SCP-4295" (gotta have a bit of hope, ;P)
Analysis: SCP-4295's secondary effect appears to be beyond a simple binaural hazard.
Did you ever describe what a binaural hazard was? I still have no idea what you're talking about.
With proper protection the effects of the device are slightly buffeted, but still to be considered lethal.
Big words don't always equate to professionalism.
I think the only time I've heard a variation of "buffet" used is in "It Is Well (With my Soul)", RPG's, and restaurants.
In affected personnel the binaural signal in the music triggers an extreme chemical imbalance which leads to severe panic attacks;
This should have been in the description.
in cases where the affected subject already suffers from Panic Disorder these effects are consistently fatal.
You're mixing verb-tenses again.
"already suffer from" instead of "suffers".
Liquefaction of brain tissue and concentrated drainage of hormones seems to only appear in cases where the subject can be tied hereditarily to Panic Disorder.
That's an oddly specific detail that doesn't seem tied to the actual SCiP in any meaningful way, but ok.
These findings have mandated the installation of a layer of mass loaded vinyl within SCP-4295's chamber.
Since this is a testing log, maybe rephrase this as "Requesting SCP-4295's containment locker/cell be soundproofed to protect personnel/aid in its containment."
As for SCP-4295's primary effect, the interior has been investigated numerous times by Foundation personnel, all of which have been debriefed and accounted for living or dead. Six of seven subjects survived the initial experimentation with three of seven remaining mentally competent
This is a single testing log, you should not be mentioning 5 other tests.
If this is test B then it is the second test.
If it is the 7th test it is testing log G.
Your sentence structure needs improvement.
You need to proof-read for typos (I recommend getting the free version of Grammarly at least).
Work on keeping your verb-tenses consistent.
Don't use big words you don't understand.
Make a SCiP's effects clear in the description- that's what it's there for.
SCP-4091 appears to be a Caucasian Male in his early 30s wearing formal old fashioned business attire. During SCP-4091's active hours it will manifest in front of the front door of a low to middle-class suburban house in [REDACTED]. SCP-4091 will then knock on the front door in a consistent rhythm. If anyone answers the door SCP-4091 will behave like a normal salesperson, attempting to sell cleaning products, which it appears to be able to spontaneously manifest. If the person SCP-4091 is selling to expresses a lack of interest, SCP-4091 will politely bid them a good day and demanifest. Unless its products are bought, an instance of SCP-4091 will not demanifest unless terminated, and even then another instance will be able to manifest elsewhere at a later time.
Deleted at -12 and three votes.
SCP 4128 is a glove when discovered in past testing that, when worn, the glove does not seem to be there. there seems to be no psychological effect on scp 4128-1 except for luring humans to wear it. when a human puts on SCP 4128 (deemed scp 4128-1) they seem to use their left hand as their dominant hand despite past preference and subjects seem to have a more regal. whenever a human uses their left hand to touch another human the other human with scp 4812 will be put into a trance for thirty before losing all vital signs then a orb appears (differs in color depending on lifestyle ex: murderer = black) then scp 4182-1 will either put the orb back in the body reanimating it and making it falls under SCP 4128-1's control (promptly named scp 4128-2) scp 4128-2 still seem to have memories and a free will until given a command from scp 4128-1 or scp 4128-1 will crush the orb then will have blue lightning crackle out of it reaching a record high of 4 billion volts and remains calm unless scp 4128-1 gives a verbal command to the lighting.
Deleted at -21 and three votes.
Feedback Ported:
Ok. This link: How To Write An SCP will help you immensely on formatting.
Alright, now that we got that part, let's discuss your SCP…so, it's a glove. What does it do exactly? And why is it labeled as Keter? It's not difficult to contain a glove, right? Unless I'm missing something, this SCP is more Safe, maybe Euclid if you flesh this SCP more.
Speaking of fleshing SCP's out more, your gonna need to do better than that interview log. As it is now, this SCP is confusing. There is nothing to keep a person in, no hook, no flair, nothing. Give it a story, something interesting to the reader. Like, where did the glove come from? Who made it? Is this the only glove? What does it actually do? What tests can you do with this glove? etc etc etc. These are just questions that came to my mind. You don't need to answer any of them but you do need to try to make this more interesting. Also, research the whole SCP site. There are other SCPs that are glove based. Ex. SCP-494, SCP-311.Take a look at them, maybe it can help make your gloves unique.
Good luck with your SCP.
SCP-4137 is half humanoid creature. The upper half of the body is the same as that of a 15 year old.
The lower half of the body consists of a total of 8 tentacles, which measure about 1.5 meters and are finished with special suction cups. The SCP-4137 is green-blue and extremely durable. On the forearm has an armor that is able to change its shape.
Deleted at -28 and three votes.
Scp 4740 Is a Japanese origin painting of a koi on a previously white piece of paper turned yellow. The other side is completely blank other than Japanese characters that when translated comes out to be ¨Swim Away¨.
Deleted at -18 and three votes.
Feedback Ported:
Punctuation and formatting errors aside, the way in which this is written comes off as odd and stilted, as well as lacking in the clinical tone an SCP entry should have.
For example, the phrasing in
If someone comes in contact with the painting or the wall it does hanging on the koi will swim off the picture.
is confusing, and could be changed into “If someone comes in contact with the painting or the wall it hangs on, the koi will appear to swim off the picture.” This still isn’t the best, but it’s less confusing.
I’m not sure whether this is due to general inexperience with writing, or if English is not your first language, but you should work on making your phrasing clearer.
SCP 4288 appears to be a crystal ball which is used by fortune tellers. The SCP will display the death of how the viewer will die. Usual time periods will take from 1 day-7 months. Any photographs or video surveilance of the SCP are to be instantly obliterated or hidden for human safety. The display of death will be 100% accurate.
Deleted at -13 and three votes.
SCP - 4386 is a large rectangular object that posses seven appendages recently seen floating throughout the Andromeda galaxy SCP - 4386 has been observed to be extremely hostile, most observations of the object have shown it wrapping its appendages around the stars, once all light from the star is no longer visible the star proceeds to disapear from reality, however further research has shown that stars are not the only thing that it can destroy, see research log B5978.
Deleted at -50 (its ded jim) and three votes.
SCP-4542 is an anomalous affect that may only manifest when a human dies outside of terrestrial gravity. SCP-4542 instances have been recorded manifesting regardless of whether or not they had previously been terminated within extraterrestrial gravity1, however none have ever been recorded appearing after being terminated within range of terrestrial gravity. SCP-4542 instances physically appear as previously deceased humans, baring numerous injuries typical of those who may have died in the vacuum of space. SCP-4542 instances may carry over situational injuries from specific personnel who died in ways not explicitly related to the vacuum of space, however the aforementioned injuries still remain. It is unknown at this time how SCP-4542 instances are still capable of cognitive thought, or how they still bare the memories of the personnel they claim to be.
Deleted at -13 and three votes.
Feedback Ported:
The description is in severe need of a rewrite, I've read the description seven times now and I don't have a clear understanding of what an SCP-4542 instance is.
Reading through this article, I find it extremely difficult to believe that you even proofread this, let alone sent it in for crit. It's riddled with grammar errors like missing punctuation, run on sentences, unclear phrasing, and more than its fair share of clinical tone errors. As Edna pointed out above, you also fail to clearly and succinctly describe what your instances are and just compound onto that with dense, unclear sentences that just make the whole thing even more painful to read.
Also that's not how gravity works.
SCP- 4981 is a seemingly normal middle-aged man who is classified as SCP- 4981-2, who, when enclosed in a room with one or two people reverts to a 10-foot tall humanoid covered in sinew (running biological tests on this substance found no matches with any other known organic material.) The creature is able to make sophisticated conversation with onsite members and seems to be fine with its containment (as long as its specific needs are met.)
Deleted at -15 and three votes.
SCP - 4327 is a stainless-steel egg shell white trash can with a diameter of .5 meters, and a height of 1 meter. The can has a black 32-gallon trash bag residing inside of it, all attempts to remove this bag have resulted in failure. The two handles on each side of it are used when transporting 4327. The outside shell of trash can is 1 centimeter thick. The SCP has the general appearance of a common trash can.
Deleted at -23 and three votes.
SCP-4112, is a aquatic based predator located at site-██ aquatic center. The centralbody has no definable shape as the body is made up of a pure black substance, and is onluy visible from bright luminous eyes. SCP-4112 is assumed to be 3 meters tall and 20 meters in length It has reached a top speed of 66 Kilometers per hour. It is predatory, hunting most things that come into it's enclosure. It appears to create an electromagnetic anomaly in a 30 meter radius of the organism. No lighting has been successful in illuminating the body of the organism. It will attack humans, and it appears to have mildly acidic saliva due to the burn like marks on victims.
Deleted at -19 and three votes.
SCP-4983 is a hologram of a 3-dimensional anime character of a virtual singer named "Wonder". She has blue mid-length hair, pale skin, and purple eyes. Her character keeps switching outfits by itself, and her model seems to be glitching.
Deleted at -12 and three votes.
Feedback Ported:
Ok, so I read over it a couple times, and I actually am really into the story done simply from "vocaloid does a magic thing" and I like the development into the end as well, plus the interviews just stab me in the feels. This may just be me, but I think the general story is well done.
That being said, holy balls, there are a lot of tonal and logistical errors with this thing that sadly ruin the article for me. Your tone is too informal in spots, which makes them exceedingly jarring. Fixing the tone up to be clinical would raise the quality of this article from 144p to like, 480p. The paragraph spacing is also really inconsistent. For future reference, go 2 lines down when spacing paragraphs (like Reddit). Also every word in the headers of a section should be capitalized (ex. Special Containment Procedures).
Now for the logic. Your thing just has, like, too much ability to do whatever it wants, mostly stemming from the people in charge of it. Here's a line-by-line of issues:
When interviewed, the interviewer must be a security staff member, since (according to her) "It's nice to talk to someone who protects others from me." and must be referred to by her name, "Wonder".
One, you can ditch the quoted part and just say it placates the subject. Two, unless there's a good reason, researchers are going to refer to objects by their SCP designation, and it feels weird to see these top-level scientists refer to this thing informally in documentation. As an extension to this, you should use gender-neutral pronouns when referring to the scip.
She always hangs out in an area of a laptop with a folder on it named "Tool 01" (AKA SCP-4983-1).
This is another example of a tonal error, but besides that, I'm assuming the laptop is the thing making the hologram. If that's the case, how can it walk around the site? It just feels under-explained. Also what does she communicate through? If we're going off my previous logic, I think she would probably communicate through the speakers of the computer.
When they asked Oowada for the computer, he said he must do one more thing before giving the computer to them. Turns out he has mannaged to delete the file of "Tool 02" (Also known as Olly). He was then arrested without resistance and was brought to the same site as SCP-4983's.
No offense to you or the narrative, but I seriously doubt these agents would actually allow this dude to be all like "oh yea u can have this computer lemme just do some shady stuff rq" after knocking on this guy's door with actual evidence of his anomalous crap. It just makes no sense. The general story's direction is okay, but this particular event is just full of agents being idiots, so I'd recommend a different approach.
[SCP-4983 remains silent as Oowada asks the guards to leave so they won't get hurt. After realizing there's no hope, they all left.]
As sad and well-directed the last log is, this would probably not happen in all honesty, nor would they actually let the dude or scip try anything. The people checking the code could prob mute her or stop her code from running or something. I am far from a computer expert, but I can imagine so many ways that these, again, top-level scientists would prevent this from happening. Hell, Oowada biting his tongue and drowning in his own blood after the conversation seems more possible. Again, great story elements, but unlikely to actually happen in practice.
Overall, the story behind it is really engaging, but the tone and questionable logic drag it down a bit. To fix tone, go to here and go to the clinical tone section to learn basics, and ask people directly via either chat or forums if you need more extensive or specific help (if you want to PM me I can provide some specific tonal fixes if I have time). For issues involving technology, you could try here to get scientific help. This story is imo really intriguing to read, and fixing these issues would make it so much better. Imma novote for rn because despite the errors I enjoyed it, and if this were to return better, I'd upvote in a heartbeat. Good luck, friend.
SCP-4134 is disguised as a old globe. Historians presume it is from the 17th century. It is seen behaving like a globe should. It presents names of the continents and coloured by continent.
When not monitored for copious amounts of time, the continents seem to move and merge. When SCP-4134 was first discovered it displayed all 7 continents. After being brought to its holding cell, Australia seemed to merge with Africa.
Deleted at -17 and three votes.
SCP-4151 is a massive tree like plant that stands at ██████ meters tall and has a circumference of around ██████ meters. SCP-4151 is located in a large “undiscovered” cave in ████████. Upon internal examination of SCP-4151 researchers found a small ecosystem living inside the tree containing a lush forest and many animals like ants, beetles, ██████, and mosquitos. Researchers found a massive green heart like “plant” that if destroyed would cause the plant to stop growing and decompose. The foundation has no intent of destroying the heart until it is absolutely needed, improper self-deleted, cleared by me at -9 with Captain Kirby witnessing.
