Upvoted with extreme vigor.
Close of Play / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Close of Play.
Because it is.
Probably more to come on this. More mistakes can certainly be made. Thanks to Decibelle, Dillinger, Pincier, theworstninja, and a bunch of other people because I'm too neurotic to just upload a tale with all the feedbacks.
Gotta love a competent, logical and grounded but still unmistakably underdog take on the UIU.
Damn UIU. You be sneaky.
+1. I like this take on the UIU.
Like I said, this works best as a setup for a canon, no matter how small that canon is.
I still like it, though.
This is at least a little bit mildly unsettling. I can dig it.
Like the idea of the UIU using its incompetency as a cover for whatever they're doing. That's a good play, right there.
Anyway, +1 from me. I don't know exactly how I feel about a Foundation Agent just jumping ship like that without trying to resist in some way, but I suppose it would be a little bit more difficult to wrap a story up that way. Good work, overall.
I have a little trouble with a Foundation agent being brought down so easily by memetics. They get training and inoculations (in my head cannon at least) that would not so easily be overcame even by this UIU. I'm sure the poor guy would at least have a nosebleed and a killer headache.
Otherwise, enjoyable story and a good way to lay a foundation.
I agree with all the negative critique listed so far — I had the same thoughts reading the story, and I think most important is that this could use another pass for characterization (of the Foundation agent at the end) — but the whole thing is still fresh and entertaining and well-written. +1'd
EDIT: I just re-read it and have the exact same critique. Lmao. In case of future edits:
- The Foundation agent shouldn't agree to call his superiors so quickly; he has no reason to.
- The UIU being so confident that their methods will win out should be called out. Like, maybe they know the Foundation has resources to override this, but they aren't gonna use them if they think the UIU is useless and they don't know what's going on…
- The Foundation agent shouldn't agree so quickly. If he's doing so to fool the UIU, it's still too quick. You can convince the reader that he wanted to come over to their side anyway, but that'd take a lot more work (maybe a sequel) — at the very least, in this one, there should be a bit more of that playing out.
/forum/t-1095475/close-of-play#post-
page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
