SCP-4147 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page SCP-4147.

M hate T 29 Mar 2019 05:31

This is my 1st published SCP! I want to first thank all of the wonderful people who helped me write this:
http://www.scp-wiki.net/drleibowitz Dr. Leibowitz gave me a lot of support (and the title)
http://www.scp-wiki.net/researcher-mathias-s-colleague-protocol RockTeethMothEyes also helped a lot and gave a bunch of useful tips, including a greenlight for my idea.
GrimmCreeper gave a crit that helped a lot with my structuring and grammar
MagicalCurtain gave me my first crit on my draft forum post.

Thanks to everyone listed and everyone in chat who helped me work through this!

Purplayoss 01 Apr 2019 19:16

I'm confused. What even was that last part about? The ink and all that, and highlighting Santa?

M hate T 01 Apr 2019 19:26

Sorry for not being clearer, the ink density chart was explaining that the instances had been edited by other groups besides the Foundation before the Foundation acquired the SCP. The Santa Claus entry mentioned that only certain parts of the entry had writing that suggested it was non original. Basically the last few sentences in the Santa entry was Coca-Cola were adding in details to the Santa myth to sell more of their own products.

Damian Uck 29 Mar 2019 07:35

Neat!
As your first skip this is pretty good.
Original too!
+1

RockTeethMothEyes 29 Mar 2019 08:49

It kind of takes a dip after that interview. I felt myself losing interest a bit reading it. However, the implications of that last log brought me back.

It's good to see that you stuck with the idea, ran with it, and saw it all the way through. Good job, author!

Mortos 29 Mar 2019 10:44

So the idea here is cool and chunks of this are decent, but there are a few issues I have with this. First up, the idea that they got this from the Wanderers Library irks me somewhat. The Library is extra-dimensional, and the idea that the Foundation would start raiding other realities to start looking for stuff to contain is a slippery slope that I'm not sure they'd go down, especially in the specific case of the library. There are probably 1000s of things in there the Foundation would want to contain if given the chance.

Second, the entire section with the ink analysis is massively overblown. We don't really need to know all those percentages or anything - you could just say "the ink was analysed and we've determined how many entries are original" or something. Thirdly, you're really missing an opportunity here only having a single example at the end. You could have had 3 or 4 examples easily, I feel, and ended on the santa claus note. An entry from the Russian and Japanese books would have been neat.

JS Site Crit Team

ManyMeats 29 Mar 2019 18:59

This is a great first work, author!

I have a few issues with your tone and grammar in the work, but they do not detract from my enjoyment of this piece. I'd like to break one down one snippet as an example where you could have benefitted from more time editing.

The last page of each instance is blank. If an entry following the approved format is written in,

You've put yourself in an awkward situation with the working here. You could have probably reworked this as "If an entry is made in the approved format" and left it at that. Somewhat consistently through your piece, there are times where you fall just short of outsmarting yourself and making language too cute. Please don't get me wrong, the tone is fine, but rather you were walking the line and I think you could tighten this up to great benefit.

then related superstitions in native speakers of the corresponding language will take root, and the entry will become integrated into the culture of corresponding nationalities.

First, that comma strikes me as not necessary. Second I think this should be reframed about people who are culturally members of a group, not just by language. There are a lot of places where a person might be born and raised under a language and under a nationality with exposure and tradition from an entirely different one. We live in a pretty global world today, comparatively. Just something to consider.

I echo Mortos's comment about the extra logs. While I feel you laid things out well logically, the log about the ink didn't add much except to serve as very long way to setup the Coca Cola entry as being a late add. I'd have like to see a Russian or Japanese entry instead of this ancillary tech piece.

This aside, a +1 from me and a work I enjoyed.

aismallard 30 Mar 2019 06:17

Interesting concept and execution. I will say, I think this would've benefited from ending after the interview, with a note about the EC/O5/whoever saying that no further testing is permitted.

Anyways, great first-time work! I look forward to seeing what else you make.

+ Show nitpicks

"Ethics Committee" is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

The boundaries of the test's text could be made more clean, I would strongly recommend moving it to a quote block.

Not a fan of the "- hide this content" collapsible closer.

The ink composition stuff should be in a table, it's not very easy to read as it is now

WarpZone 07 Jun 2019 01:37

"You know, leprechauns! They're like little elf things that wear green!"

"So like the Lucky Charms mascot?"

"What the hell are Lucky Charms?"

*Dr. Mitchell shows Dr. O'Donnell a cereal commercial*

"Okay. That's *clearly* based on the Leprechaun mythology."

"Right. But don't you think it's odd that I didn't reference Lucky Charms even once when you were coming up with the concept? Thinking back to my childhood, it's the first thing I think of, when I think Leprechauns. I mean, that and St. Patrick's Day."

"What does any of this have to do with St. Patrick's Day?"

"Well, you know. The iconography. The little cardboard decorations shaped like Leprechauns. Adults wearing plastic green tophats with faux brass buckles when they hit the bars. All that stuff."

"Yes. I remember."

"Well, don't you think that's weird?"

"Don't you think that's weird?"

………

"What were we talking about, again?"

"Oh, stop acting the maggot and just play the bloody tape."

Last edited on 07 Jun 2019 01:47 by WarpZone Show more

OCuin 13 May 2020 16:11

In general, I enjoyed this, but I really need to point out that 'Gaelic' isn't actually a language that exists, it's called Irish. There is Scots Gaelic for the Celtic Scottish language, but the Irish Celtic language has always just been called Irish. Sorry, it's just a nitpick I can never get past.

Last edited on 13 May 2020 16:12 by OCuin Show more