An Agent, A Cadet, A D-Class and A Janitor Walk Into The Sunlight. / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page An Agent, A Cadet, A D-Class and A Janitor Walk Into The Sunlight..

Author Post

Doctor North 10 Mar 2019 05:02

Jamcon! This is my first time partaking in Jamcon! I had a great time staying up till 4 in the morning writing out this article. Special thanks to FloppyPhoenix and Ronald McKasper for going over and giving a handful of feedback for improvements.

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Doctor North was here. Just don't let South know, or East….never tell East.

A Random Day 10 Mar 2019 05:36

The dialogue is stunted, the characters are flat, the D-Class’ death is utterly pointless, and the prose is clunky.

Doctor North 10 Mar 2019 05:55

Fair points.

Thanks for the feedback. I still had a lot of fun writing this tale in 24 hours :D

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Doctor North was here. Just don't let South know, or East….never tell East.

Last edited on 10 Mar 2019 05:55 by Doctor North Show more

DrScaramouche 05 May 2019 19:30

To be fair, utterly pointless deaths of D-Class are pretty much standard MO for a lot of this site.

Wild Angle 10 Mar 2019 21:10

Overall, I can’t find anything I like in this tale. A story should focus on at least one thing and try to make it engaging for the reader; despite the potential of some of the elements you have here, I didn’t find anything which achieved that:

• The story starts presenting the characters, and it seems the plot will focus on their interactions with each other and how they react to situations they get in… But then you pointlessly kill the guy with most character dynamics? After that, there wasn’t anything in the others that kept my attention. They were either too hollow or kind of cliché.
• I wasn’t invested in the characters, so I didn’t care whether they would survive the fights. The action scenes weren’t particularly engaging: no situations that the reader isn’t used to see, no clever tactics to overcome the enemy or unexpected twists, everything was too standard and tame to feel excited.
• The prose is unremarkable. The first dialogues showcase the D-Class quite well, but when he dies…, they’re either descriptions of the action or uninteresting character moments. Dialogues should advance towards a plot point or information the reader can care about.

The plot twist at the end is good; but, to make people care about how a story twists, one has to make them care about the story in the first place. It’s better to not wait until the end to show the first great thing in the story. At the moment, this is a -1.

+ If you would like to improve this after jam-con, here are some suggestions

1. The end of this story is an anticlimax: a refusal to give us a dramatic, serious outcome appropriate for the conflict. Anticlimaxes work because of the contrast between the intensity of the situation and the deception at the end. To make that cute ending more effective, you could spend more time trying to make the prior scenes as bloody, extreme, and stressful as you can.
2. If you write down lines to establish a character and then kill them without getting anything out of it, it’s wasted space. Try to make use of everything you put in the paper. The D-Class is rebellious and doesn’t respect his companions: that should have an impact in the story.
   • A story should never be the same if a relevant character wasn’t on it.
3. Don’t wait until the middle of the action to show who your characters are: your reader should have a fair idea of how they act, what they think of each other and what they think of themselves before they are fighting in a confusing mass of shootings and monsters.
   • Does one feel he gets in the way of the group? Show some hints before he asks to be left behind. If the way they react to a situation matches the traits we've seen in them, it gives the impression that they are a consistent individual.
   • Giving enough (non-cliché) traits to the way a character acts alone, or when interacting with other character, is a good way of avoiding that they feel “flat” or “dull”. Giving each character a recognisable personality makes the reader more likely to feel like real persons and care about them.
4. If your action scenes aren’t predictable and have many possible outcomes, a reader is more likely to be invested in them.
   • A fight isn’t mindlessly shooting or punching the enemies: each side makes plans on the fly, people are constantly thinking, individuals react to the stress in various ways. Narrating the thoughts and feelings of the characters, or other psychological factors involved in a fight, is a good way of immersing the reader.
   • How are combatants distributed? Are they forming, scattered? What side has a better position? Are there any features on the terrain (mud, buildings, small hills) that could affect the fight or be used to take advantage? Exploring the relationship between the battlefield and the characters opens many possibilities to make the action more interesting.
   • Showcasing the unique personality, morals and abilities (or lack thereof) in the way a character fights adds depth to the fight an improves character developement. How do they fight, with what techniques or weapons? Will they flee or refuse to fight? Do they look out for their comrades, or just for themselves? Do they have skills or knowledge that they can use creatively?
5. Don’t change the grammatical tense in the middle of the narration unless you have a good reason. Choose either present or past and stick to it. In this article, probably by accident, some sentences switch from past to present:

Several of the wild dogs from the pack come bolting through one of the side rooms.

More howling can be heard in the distance.

Loading another magazine into his rifle, Dylan walks further into the gas station.

Giving a quick nod, Krona starts to remove the barricade they made. They all quickly exit the gas station making their way to the city.

Whether you make changes or not, good luck with your tale!

Last edited on 17 Mar 2019 16:35 by Wild Angle Show more

Doctor North 10 Mar 2019 23:01

Thank you so much for the feedback. I'm more than likely going to be redoing this article after Jamcon 2 is over.

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Doctor North was here. Just don't let South know, or East….never tell East.

LuckyManJohn 10 Mar 2019 23:37

There are multiple minor grammatical mistakes which took me out of the action because I notice that stuff too much, but I didn't see the twist coming at the end, and it was good, so +1 from me.

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This has been an official Lucky Co. post

Wyatt S 30 Oct 2020 18:08

Pretty good. +1

GuesssWho 01 May 2022 07:48

… this is a shaggy dog story, isn't it?