Poor, poor Prissy
(I should have see it coming though. Same thing happen in real life)
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I don't feel as though the dialogue is written well enough to carry this story. It is hard for me to follow what's going on because of the lack of description. Rhi, Priss, and Sharpe all sound like they have the same voice, too.
The conversation at the beginning does not follow a logical progression. The two are arguing about a fight the night ebfore, then suddenly Rhi starts talking about the problems in the world.
Rhi mentions someone named Annie, which could possibly be Sharpe, but it is never stated.
No physical descriptions of any of the characters are given, meaning they all just mesh together.
There are only female characters. Not a problem, just odd. Especially since very little description is given about them to distinguish them.
I also don't get what happened. Girls were fighting, one found some bodies which may not have been there, there was some bacteria, and then a monologue about racism. What'd I miss? Were the corpses actually the bacteria? Did the monologue at the end somehow interact with the bacteria, or was a story about it? I'm just lost.
The story isn't very coherent, so I'm voting down for now. Did this go through the sandbox first, or was it cold posted?
Most of your complains can be resolved by reading previous tales in the Anabasis universe, which this tale is part of. It is indeed a mistake on the author's part for not including the links though
But it's better to read this first. It's what begin all tales
The series is progressing in good pace, now we are starting to get to the 2084 virus as well as the character's background in depth. I do however feels that the narrative on the corpse's disappearance is pretty weak, perhaps need to make it a bit more dramatic.
What I like about this serial is the sheer efforts put onto describing the background of that world, much more than other alternative-world-SCPs. With that said, something in this tale bug me: I think Jinyiwei belongs to the Ming not the Qing Dynasty?
You should add links to the bottom of this page linking to the other tales, and update the other tales to include links to this one. The first tale has some, but it is out of date.
The lack of strong dialogue is still an issue. Most of the dialogue falls flat because the character's actions aren't described. Body language is integral to communication, so including it is very important.
For example:
She glared at Rhiannon, not buying this apparent sincerity, "When are you getting another job?"
You give us the conclusion that she doesn't buy the sincerity. You don't describe much else though.
The lack of coherence is also an issue. As a serial, each installment should have a focal point. Focusing on Priss after the previous night's fight up to the discovery of the bodies would have been a perfect focus. Instead, we also have the bit with the researcher, and Rhi's monologue that doesn't fit in with the rest of the context. Removing or restructuring these two and expanding on the exploration of the school building would make this a much stronger installment.
I'll read the rest of the series and give some feedback, but my downvote for this installment stands.
I don't really understand most of your criticism aside from the disconnect of events which is the result of writing this in short segments without concern for each individual tale. My fault but I don't know what else to do —- I barely get feedback on my tales so it's hard for me to even gauge what story el3ments work or not
and Jinyiwei is Ming but I reinstate it due to alt history shenanigans andmthe desire to not step on PRC type things
RE, for Andy Mok, more:
http://www.chinahistoryforum.com/topic/35118-did-the-qing-use-spies/
Truthfully, JRodge had it close when he said the story wasn't coherent…in the case of the Anabasis and Anabasis related material, the story practically can't be coherent because it deals with different dimensions, different timelines, replication of characrers in the multiverse, and a slew of other issues that make it inherently confusing and hard to follow. This is part of the reason I don't fully get the Anabasis.
That said, I enjoy the Anabasis, in part because it confuses me. I know that if I sat down and read all Anabasis related material, I'd get it…I just haven't yet.
I upvoted because I can see where the story is related and how it relates to a degree and I like it. So +1.
Rough going, emotionally for me anyway, but can't seem to stop reading… I hadn't read through the Anabasis hub previously and it's a rollercoaster so far.
For me this hits home very viscerally, it's written in a way that the pieces don't really seem to fit until they slam into place.
And I just have to ask, were you looking into the future when you were building this??
Solid +1s from me
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page revision: 2, last edited: 15 Jan 2023 15:06
