First Day At The Department Of Oral Hygiene
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Hello. You must be the new dental assistant. I’m the head of the SCP Foundation’s Oral Hygiene Department, Bob Morris. You may call me Dr. Morris. You may not call me Bob. You have to earn that.

This is the main lobby. Mind the cords. And the leaks. I know it may not look it, but in this department are some of the most efficient and capable people working to keep the peace, and one of the most important to the containment of anomalous objects. We have a duty to protect the interests of the world’s people and maintain the veil by providing top-notch dental care.

I am not joking, son. I do not joke.

The sign? You mean "THERE IS NO DR. ROCKEFELLER"? It’s a long story. Right now, I’ll just say that there is not, nor has there ever been, someone called Dr. Rockefeller working at the Department of Oral Hygiene. Call security immediately if you see someone claiming to have that name. If you don’t, someone’s losing teeth.

Anyways, the department is split into three distinct divisions: Dental Research, Anomalous Dentistry, and Dental Accommodations. Follow me.

Up these stairs is the Division of Dental Research. If the skip is tooth-related, we’ll be checking its capabilities and such here. Keep an eye out for tooth fairies.

Don’t laugh, son. They get in that way. And I will not be the one pulling the extra teeth from your mouth. And throat. And skin.

Behind this door is the Division Head, Dr. Taylor. He keeps things running smoothly, just the way I like them.

Dr. Taylor!

Sleeping on the job? I will be marking this in your file. Again.

Dr. Taylor and his team specialize in the testing of anomalous teeth and teeth-related anomalies. They’ve got tooth samples from every anomaly under the sun. Don’t worry about all the little cages strewn everywhere - they’re all locked. Dr. Taylor keeps samples of teeth-based anomalies in them, as I’m sure you could guess by the walking tooth trying to get out from that one.

It is vital that we can test here. You see, there’s a certain level of knowledge required to properly understand dental-related anomalies, especially when most of the “doctors” around here know jack about proper dental care.

Dr. Taylor, has that cage always been open?


We’ll be going, then. Dr. Taylor can handle this, right Dr. Taylor?

Okay, let’s move along. The second floor is mostly labs and testing rooms for Dental Research. Down these stairs we’ll reach the office space.

Here we have Orthodontic Accommodations. They’re more than just secretaries for the anomaly dentists and dental researchers, though. This hive of diligent pencil-pushers is the logistical heart of the department.

The dozen or so workers here collaborate with the Department of Accommodations to provide for the everyday dental hygiene of every skip and on-site personnel working for the Foundation. Of course, they also create schedules for the Anomalous Dentistry division, testing logs for the Dental Research division, and whatever paperwork everyone else forgets to do.

That’s the thing with the Foundation: too much damn paperwork. Need a whole division to fill out the paperwork from pulling a single tooth.

Heads up, fellas. Might be some loose tooth fairies coming from research. Keep the doors closed. And your mouths shut.

Okay, that should do it for them. There’s some more individual hallways here, past the office space, as well as a couple dental examination rooms. We are now in the Division of Anomalous Dentistry. As you know, many of the skips the Foundation contains have teeth, which means they need someone to inspect them every so often. The offices here are usually empty, since these hotshots are always out traveling from site to site.

Think of it like this: who do you call when Godzilla has a cavity? Or an anomalous object with five rows of teeth needs seven of its teeth pulled?

What about the Medical Division? You’d do best to not bring them up if you value your job, son! If your tooth hurts, do you go to a doctor, or a dentist? You go to a dentist! That’s why we need a separate department! Any and all rumors you’ve heard about paperwork errors causing creation of our department are and always have been false. Probably the Medical Division’s work.

Now, I’ve got to take care of an entire department, so talk to Josh and he’ll put you with an on-site dentist to shadow for the day.

Ah, Dr. Rockefeller, always with the teeth! It’s a pleasure to work with such a distinguished doctor as yourself.

Oh, the new intern? You just need one of their teeth? Well, you are the superior.

Hold still, son. This’ll only take a second.

Oh, stop bleeding everywhere, it’s undignified. Thank you Dr. Rockefeller. Goodbye.

Huh, what sign?

Ah, dammit! Happened again! I’ll get that son of a bitch one day.

C’mon, let’s get you fixed up. If we can’t fix your teeth, then no one can.

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