Happy first anniversary.
On listless days, I dream alone,
'neath this blackened sky.
Those words you spoke, etch'd deep in stone, still
beg me yet to die.
In times afore, my pure dream shone—
how foolish, was I?
A sinless crime, nought to atone, yet
none would hear my cry.
Your stare, felt in whispered woes — but
thought it a mere bout,
assumed you'd tire in your throes, not
strive to seek me out.
My first mistake, my costly foe:
ceding to my doubt;
for in its place, my overthrow, and
left escape no route.
So thus incurr'd was heaven's rage,
fury had its hell.
Confined within a leaded cage; for
me, they tolled its bell.
But oh doth wisdom come with age—
since time could only tell—
alone I journeyed on this stage, and
not one wished me well.
Is it my fault
I didn't halt
his rare assault
inside that vault?
Was it your aim
to shift your blame
to this cold dame?
A goddamn shame
that your mistake
should somehow take—
and somehow make—
all my deeds fake.
And now that gaze,
its scornful raze,
dares set ablaze
my new life's phase?
We both do know
my heart's of snow
to friend and foe—
So let it go!
It's not all fair
to bring despair
and thus impair
my right to heir
of this hell-ditch,
within my niche—
to do your snitch
against this witch!
…
Ain't that real fucking rich
coming from a paltry bitch.
The coming days and nights of scorn,
led me to brink despair,
'lone in the depths, whence was borne: this
future solitaire.
By month six, I was forlorn,
God ignorant to pray'r,
and I — stupid! — brought to mourn,
a future new nightmare.
Although I saw that brief hope spot,
glimmer in the light——
it would not be my lot
to see it burn so bright.
For ten years I did jot
what he said I should write
betwixt of which I sought argotThe wreaths of wealth protected me from pain,
And shielded squalor from my mental woe.
Yet from the world a girl cannot abstain
Lest Lethe drown her mind beneath its flow.
Conviction closed the path around my soul
And lifted me above its common lot.
Endeavored I to rid the world of droll
And suffer silence soundly I could not.
The summit's peak beheld a dreadful sight:
Misfortuned souls brought heel to bleak despair.
Through Ethics' channels, sought to ease their plight
Afforded nought to tend their wounds or care.
So thus I'll carve my path to find your way,
And maybe… get to speak to you some day.…
but silence met my plight.
A world of black and grey
was all I saw each day
which dulled my sense away
and left me in a haze
And in the time I lay
I did not think I may
find will not to obey
or find words right to say
…When they finally found me,
'neath that c'lossal wreck:
not much left of me to be,
not much left perfect.
My eye blind; I couldn't see
my face in the mir'r,
and in my mind, there was he,
growing ever clear'r.
And so my hell did not end
with my liberty,
this change — I could not contend
I was truly free.
Those that sought my heart to mend—
my mind to agree—
I forced them, in pain, to bend
and give up on me.I remember when I first walked in on
you, sitting in that chamber—
Your eyes, glued down to the page,
your ears dulled to all sense.
I remember myself staring down at
you, calling your name out—
"Lillian," I whispered, "can you hear me?"
But death was all I saw stare back.
I remember the fear I had felt when
you, eyes red awake, asked—
"Lillian?" the sound faltering in your throat,
its uncertainty piercing my frame: "Is that my name?"
I remember the tears flowing down for
you, as you stared confused—
Not a flicker of a life worth living
behind those oh so bright eyes I once admired.
I remember promising myself to
you, the pen hovering above whistleblow—
That I would not leave your side
until you stood as tall as I.
I remember those initial days when
you, you, could not bear—
When you'd scream and scream and
rock on your bed, creaking 'neath your groans.
I remember all those sleepless nights, while
you, awakening, again began—
And I'd comfort you in dying hugs,
because I could not else live with myself.
I remember the grinding feeling, as
you, in throes, tested—
the limits of my patience and regret,
and made me resent you much like he did.
I remember how I hollowed out, and
you, stagnating, slipped back into that pit—
How a fifth of your lot's time withered me away
and left me the invalid's invalid.
I remember writing that email, so
I, might finally finally know some peace—
Then dented the desk with the weight of my head
and sobbed under hell's judgement until the morning.
I remember when she came back and took
you, the numb on our faces, and I sighed—
I sighed—
both from relief of my shoulders lifted,
and the bleeding of knowing I couldn't keep my promise.
I remember how that monster had torn
you apart, and how I had thought—
That that man had been my mentor, my neighbor, my friend,
And now his skin is the same scarlet shade as mine.
I remember, I remember now, how
you, in days since, haunted my every waking hour—
As the guilt digs into my heart,
and the guilt bores into my mind,
and the guilt burrows into the depths of my soul.
And all I can remember is how
you looked at me all those years ago,
with your hopeful, watchful eyes,
and all i can remember now is the pain of how i failed you.
Many years, I toiled much
to escape my lot,
and though, never felt as such,
came to that bright spot.
Although I lean on a crutch
(since I've not forgot
that claw'd grasp of heaven's touch)
I chose not to rot.
For if no man's an island
no woman's a shore; and
once I kicked its blackened sand
I began to soar.
Though I'll never understand
your unsettled score—
And though I'll never face remand
still I will abhor—
Only on those listless days
these thoughts come to fore,
and though it rarely ever preys…
deeper it yet bores:
—those words; to you, just cursory, were
drilled into my core:
Happy first anniversary, Lillian,
here's to many more.