Note to all Researchers:
Please include your name on all records, along with date and total number of items "refined".
Researchers are responsible for all "Output". Should damage or loss of life occur, the researcher will be subject to administrative review and possible disciplinary action.
Biological testing has been suspended. Any biological testing must be cleared by O5 Command.
Test Log Format:
All test logs should be written in this form.
Name:
Date: DD/MM/YYYY
Total Items:
Input:
Setting:
Output:
<- Notice: Continued from 04XX.
Test 914-0500
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 01/04/2019
Total Items: One handwritten note, a pencil
Input: A note with the words "April Fools" on it, a pencil
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The above note, written on the back are multiple ways to prank other members of the staff, the methods of doing it are separated into anomalous and non-anomalous methods, a very dull pencil is laid down next to the note.
Note: An actual good one for once, wow. Definitely keeping this. - Dr. Piedmont
Note: If you prank me, there will be no cookies if you last the week - Researcher Darby
Note: Don't even think about it. - Veritas
Test 914-0501
Name: Researcher Lombardi
Date: 02/04/2019
Total Items: Three stainless steel spoons.
Input: One stainless steel spoon.
Setting: 1:1
Mood Panel Setting: Curious
Output: One stainless steel spork.
Input: One stainless steel spoon.
Setting: 1:1
Mood Panel Setting: Insightful
Output: One stainless steel spoon. The reflection viewed on the interior of the spoon appears sideways, rather than upside-down. Under analysis, it has been determined this is due to a thin layer of metal being arranged in a manner that causes it to act as a meta-material.
Note: The spork was expected. This on the other hand seems too advanced for an equivalent exchange. I'm feeling less confident that the initial panel setting is being observed. -Researcher Lombardi
Input: One stainless steel spoon.
Setting: 1:1
Mood Panel Setting: Malicious
Note:
Reading the log below has potential to change your expectation of 914's behavior in a dangerous fashion. At this point, we're not sure what the risk factor actually is. We're not redacting this yet because it's a useful data point to track. Skip the log or schedule an amnestic treatment if you don't want to risk it. An automated system is keeping track of everyone who doesn't - we'll be instituting stricter security measures for those individuals.
Output:
One spoon, unchanged. Microbes present in the air of the testing chamber were refined into a fast-acting and highly effective flesh-eating virus, killing the Research Assistant retrieving the spoon. Two others were injured and are now quarantined in ICU, including Researcher Lombardi. Hazmat was required to attend to the injured, along with sanitizing the area and device.
Note:
A few observations from my hospital bed - 914 has been doing us a huge favor. It could have done this during any high-level refinement, and hasn't. Unfortunately, this test-result is also poisoning the well, so to speak. We know that it is at least influenced by the knowledge and expectations of its operator, and anyone who witnessed that experiment or is even reading this log is now at risk of repeating that result. I've been informed any survivors, including myself, are going to have to undergo amnestic treatment before being cleared to experiment with 914 again. I wonder how they're going to explain my missing arm to me? - Researcher Lombardi
Note: Testing with alternative dials has been suspended. The mood panel was returned to 'curious' setting before being removed and destroyed. A malicious setting is just a bad idea, folks.
Note: Wouldn't it be a good idea to sterilize 914 before every test from now on? -Researcher Luke
Test 914-0502
Name: Researcher Luke
Date: 02/04/2019
Total Items: Three copies of "The Communist Manifesto" written by Karl Marx and Frederick Engels.
Input: One of the books mentioned above.
Setting: 1:1
Output: "Mein Kampf" written by Adolf Hitler.
Note: I don't know if 914 is cracking a joke here or comparing communism to fascism. -Luke
Input: One of the books mentioned above.
Setting: Fine
Output: A paper bust depicting Karl Marx. The bust possesses high levels of detail and it's "hair" is made from leather. It has no anomalous effects.
Input: One of the books mentioned above.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The book appeared. But when a researcher attempted to retrieve the book, said researcher complained about a sudden and sharp increase in hunger. The researcher collapsed 5 seconds after through starvation. The book's anomalous effects disappeared after it was set on fire at a distance.
Note: Don't worry, Researcher Jimmy made a recovery, however he's out of business for a while. Looks like 914 isn't a big fan of communism. - R. Luke
Note: No, Luke, you don't understand. That machine is chaotic. It doesn't have ideologies, it has results. Those are based on what it understands the input material to be. It improves, but it doesn't. It might help, but it might also kill you. 914 isn't sentient as far as we understand it, and it doesn't think like we do. Anthropomorphising the machine like that is like saying that lightning struck your grandma because Zeus didn't like her hat. - Veritas
Note: Alright, I understand. However, it's still interesting to know how 914 "knows" how things work or "knows" things related to the input-object. I'm a new researcher, so pardon my mistake. - R. Luke
Test 914-0503
Name: Researcher Luke
Date: 02/04/2019
Total Items: Three common commercially-available toasters.
Input: One toaster.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One waffle iron.
Input: One toaster.
Setting: Fine
Output: The toasters settings were replaced by three options: "Toast", "Burn", "Incinerate". The "Toast"-option toasts all kinds of bread almost instantly. The "Burn"-option makes the bread black and hard; making it inedible. The "Incinerate"-option ejects a pile of ash when bread is inserted and the toaster is activated.
Note: I requested the toaster to be added to the on-site break room. -R. Luke
Input: One toaster.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The toaster seems unchanged; however when it was picked up by a researcher the toaster began cursing at the researcher and exclaimed that he "wants to take over the world" and that he will "kill us all with toasted bread!". While it was being carried out, the toaster raised his temperature to an unknown level and burned the hands of Researcher Luke. A guard returned with heat-resistant gloves and moved the toaster into a container. During the procedure, the toaster attempted to whip the guard with it's cable; but was unsuccessful because the guard wore protective armor. The toaster was moved to on-site anomalous objects containment.
Note: I'm alright, the burns weren't severe and the doc greenlit me to get back to work. Screw that toaster though. -R. Luke
Test 914-0504
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 02/04/2019
Total Items: One pencil, a handheld pencil sharpener, and a handwritten note
Input: One note reading "How to neutralize SCP-2317"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A note, multiple sentences are transcribed on it in multiple languages, many are either crossed out or erased. The ones that aren't have been written either very sloppily or very lightly. Multiple pencil shavings, a broken pencil, and a broken handheld pencil sharpener are next to the note
Note: Okay then, that does not help. However, if the rest of the week goes like it has the past two days, I'm going to get that cupcake party - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0505
Name: Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Date: 03/04/2019
Total Items: One "Stuva" loft bed manufactured by IKEA (unassembled and still in box)
Note: We've seen this machine work miracles in the past. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Input: The aforementioned box with all proper contents inside.
Setting: Fine
Note: For about 14 minutes after I turned the key, nothing happened. I'm pretty sure I heard lots of clanging and banging from in there, though. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Output: A heavily damaged cardboard box, multiple furniture pieces assembled in a shape vaguely resembling a giraffe with others strewn around the floor, [REDACTED] origami throwing stars later determined to be made from the assembly instructions. The paper stars were clocked exiting the "Output" booth for a duration of 48 seconds at speeds of up to 526 kilometers per hour and struck Prof. Wren in multiple locations, including multiple strikes to the face and groin. No serious injuries were reported.
Yeah, can't blame you there, 914. Gotta say, though, the origami game is definitely on point. Pun fully intended. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren.
Note: A copy of the security footage has been made available with the professor's permission for anyone who wishes to view it.
Test 914-0506
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 03/04/2019
Total Items: Two paper copies of the SCP-914 test logs
Input: One paper copy of the SCP-914 test logs
Setting: 1:1
Output: One paper copy of the SCP-682 termination experiment logs
Note: Not necessarily surprised by that outcome. - Dr. Piedmont
Input: One paper copy of the SCP-914 test logs
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An edited version of the SCP-914 test logs, whenever a test that involves Dr. Piedmont appears, the outcome of the test is changed to him getting heavily injured, or in one instance, killed.
Note: I take it all back, definitely testing items that most likely won't be dangerous for the rest of the week. Seriously, all I want are cupcakes. - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0507
Name: Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Date: 03/04/2019
Total Items: One ream of A4 printer paper
Note: I've been noticing a theme with certain researchers and 914. Calloway gets trolled, Darby gets repeated brushes with death, and I get nicely folded paper. ~Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Input: Three sheets of paper
Setting: Coarse
Output: A pile of wood pulp, total mass consistent with the input.
First time I've ever used a setting other than 1:1. Not sure what else I expected, really.
Input: Three sheets of paper
Setting: 1:1
Output: A group of 7 origami ducks, one roughly triple the size of the other six.
Omigod that's too cute!
Input: Three sheets of paper
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One sheet of paper 840x891mm in size. When held while thinking of an object, the surface of the paper catches fire for a moment, with an image of whatever the holder was thinking of appearing on its surface. The paper automatically restores itself to its original form upon being released.
…Huh. I thought for sure it was going to fold itself into the shape of whatever I was thinking of. Guess they're right about this thing not being predictable. Still…
Input: The oversized sheet of paper from the previous experiment.
Setting: Rough
Output: A small pile of ash. Analysis indicates it is comprised of burnt paper. Total mass consistent with the mass of three pieces of A4 paper.
Sorry. I know that thing was kinda neat and that I should have gotten clearance before destroying it, but let's be real here: If someone held that while thinking about 096 or [REDACTED]…that would end poorly for them, to say the least. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Test 914-0508
Name: Researcher Festiv
Date: 04/04/2019
Item: One cube of frozen coolant
Input: Aforementioned cube
Setting: fine
Output: One cube of frozen coolant stuck at -126°C that can be shaped like clay, lowers the temperature of inanimate objects near it to -100°C.
Note: This could be useful. But its too cold. Food gets freezer burn, any reactors we cool it with slow the reactor down, processors that get overheated get so cold they stop working, the EXP weapons guys tried to make a cryogenic weapon with it, but ice would jam it. I'm placing this in anomalous item storage. Anyone who has a idea for a use is welcome to use it, it passed memetic tests - Researcher Festiv
Test 914-0509
Name: Dr. Nukea
Date: 04/04/2019
Total items: A signed copy of 17 again
Input: Above mentioned
Setting Fine
Output: An altered copy of 17 again which is animated instead of being live action. The signature has changed to be “STOP NUKEA”.
Note: Wow… 914 is being sassy today -Nukea
Note: Oh Christ, I thought this was over. - Veritas
Test 914-0510
Name: Dr. Blue
Date: 04/04/2019
Total items: Several broken pens and pencils
Input: Above mentioned
Setting Fine
Output: One pen producing luminous ink, one pen producing invisible ink (visible under UV light), one ordinary pencil
Note: Sure, I guess. Needed an office clearout anyway. - Blue
Note: I'd like to clarify that 914 is not to be used as your personal trash can. - Veritas
Note: Don't complain yet, I have an idea. - Blue
Input: Luminous pen from previous test
Setting Fine
Output: One lamp, with a dial. Lamp can emit a very wide range of electromagnetic frequencies, including infrared, ultraviolet and x-rays, depending on its dial setting.
Input: Invisible ink pen from above test
Setting Fine
Output: One pen, with a dial. Ink can only be seen under a specific electromagnetic frequency, as determined by its dial setting at the time of writing.
Note: Huh. I guess it works together with the lamp. I'm wondering now if the pencil's going to fit in somehow.
Input: Pencil from above test
Setting Fine
Output: One miniature paper shredder, made out of wood with diamond blades. Appears to be functional.
Note: I guess it managed to compress the graphite down into diamond. Shall I submit this to Accounting as a potential source of funding? -Blue
Note: Absolutely not. -Veritas
Test 914-0511
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 04/04/2019
Total Items: One wireless printer, one battery, and ten sheets of standard printing paper
Note: Printer will be plugged into battery and sent a printing order for a picture of 914 just before it is activated.
Input: Above items
Setting: 1:1
Output: Unchanged printer. Upon opening of the test chamber, the printer activated and printed a series of images that combine into a ten frame animation of Jr. Researcher Stan being attacked by a swarm of bees.
Note: More bees. Interesting and also scary. On a side note, I'm opening up a separate betting ring on when Darby will ALMOST die since no one has won any of their bets on him actually dying. To kick things off, twenty bucks says he sustains severe blunt-force trauma by the end of the month. -Stan
Test 914-0512
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 04/04/2019
Total Items: Five sheets of paper
Input: One sheet of paper
Setting: Rough
Output: Multiple paper shreds, each shred is arranged from largest to smallest
Note: Even with something as simple as paper, and with one of the most predictable settings, 914 seems to put a unique spin on it still. -Dr. Piedmont
Input: One sheet of paper
Setting: Coarse
Output: Paper that has been crudely cut into multiple shapes
Input: One sheet of paper
Setting: 1:1
Output: Multiple pieces of paper that have been arranged in a format similar to that of note cards
Input: One sheet of paper
Setting: Fine
Output: One piece of folded paper, the paper is folded to resemble Dr. Piedmont
Note: This is actually kind of nice, I'm going to keep this in my room. -Dr. Piedmont
Input: One sheet of paper
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An anomalous piece of paper, upon coming into contact with said sheet of paper, the holder is compelled to make it into a type of origami. Upon completing the origami, the paper begins to fold back, no fold marks were found afterward.
Note: The paper, being anomalous and a complete nuisance, was burned from a distance. The ashes were disposed of. However, this was a very interesting testing experience and I'm looking forward to doing more similar tests. - Dr. Piedmont
THIS TEST HAS BEEN DOCTORED AND REDACTED TO KEEP THE ORIGINAL TEST CLASSIFIED.
Test 914-0513
Name: Dr. Scott.
Date: 04/04/2019
Total items: A binder containing the files of every staff member in the SCP foundation, except for the O5.
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Fine
Output: A book called “Every staff member along with their secrets.” The book details important things about researchers. Some of the pages include Dr. T███████████ has ████████ ███████████ instead of a foot or how Dr. L███████████ is actually a ████ controlling an android. It also mentioned that Dr. Scott is actually the son of █████████ and how Dr. N█████████ got his own pocket dimension by working with ███████████. Finally, it described how Dr. H█████ got into the Foundation and his counterpart Dr. H█████████ was made.
Note: I’m going to burn this. No one should ever see this period. -Dr. Scott.
Note: Dr. Scott was treated with a Class A amnestic to prevent him from accidentally spreading around classified information.
Test 914-0514
Name: Researcher Darby
Date: 05/04/2019
Total Items: 3 Miniature Napoleonic Howitzers, 3 Logs, 3 Copies of [REDACTED] paperwork
Note: This is an experiment designed to see how 914 reacts to seemingly random objects - Researcher Darby
Input: 1 Howitzer, 1 Log, 1 Copy
Setting:1:1
Output: 1 Cannon, 1 Tree trunk, 1 Memo
Note: The only thing unusual about these results were how boring they were - Researcher Darby
Input: 1 Howitzer, 1 Log, 1 Copy
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 Miniature SAM, 1 Tiny Bonsai plant, 1 set of SCP calendars
Note: Again, Boring, I'm keeping that calendar though, Veritas, want that bonsai plant? - Researcher Darby
Note: Neat. -Veritas
Input: 1 Howitzer, 1 Log, 1 Copy
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 Test Log Cannon, upon booth doors opening the cannon proceeded to wheel itself out. When Researcher Darby exited his control booth to examine the object it proceeded aim itself at Researcher Darby and fire with no discernible trigger. The projectile appeared to be a small (6cm) log of compressed SCP-914 experiment logs and it exited the barrel of the cannon at a relatively low speed for a cannon. However, the velocity was still enough to put Researcher Darby in the infirmary for severe blunt force trauma.
Note: I think I'm getting a flak vest, or maybe a suit of armor - Researcher Darby
Note: Money changing hands due to bets made on Darby's injuries can be done outside of my testing area. -Veritas
Test 914-0515
Name: Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Date: 05/04/2019
Items: Two tuning forks
Note: Acoustics is my primary research field. Thought I'd bring a bit of it with me on this test.
Input: Tuning fork, made to produce a high C-sharp when struck.
Setting: Fine
Output: A Y-shaped piece of metal resembling a trio of fish. Striking it against a surface produces the same C-sharp note as the input, but with the sound muffled similar to it being underwater.
The sound alteration is understandable, but why does it look like…oh for the love of God. 914 turned my tuning fork into a tuna fork. UGH. And I thought the "peak hatch" joke was bad! -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Input: Tuning fork, made to produce a high E-flat when struck.
Setting: Very fine
Output: A tuning fork made out of an unknown crystalline substance. It produces a different tone when struck against various objects, with volume exponentially correlating to the force the material was struck. Further testing revealed that the tone produced seemed dependent on the material it was struck against rather than size or any other factor.
Note: Whoa. That….that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Seriously. You guys ever seen an opera singer shatter a glass with her voice? Same principle at play here. This definitely needs to get locked away somewhere. As an aside, this is way more interesting than my regular job. You guys hiring by any chance? -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Note: Wait, you don't work here? How did you get in? - Researcher Darby
Note: Kinda goes with the "Guest" part of the "Guest Researcher" status. I can explain more over lunch if you're interested. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Note: Screw it, you can't be worse than Calloway and Darby. Welcome aboard. -Veritas
Note: What do you mean "Can't be worse than Calloway or Darby"? - Researcher Darby
Note: You know damn well what I mean. -Veritas
Test 914-0516
Name: Researcher Luke
Date: 05/04/2019
Total items: Four copies of the Duden.
Note: In case some of you don't know: The Duden is a German dictionary. -R. Luke
Input: One copy of the Duden.
Setting: Coarse
Output: The Duden, but every single word in it is misspelled in some way.
Input: One copy of the Duden.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of the Österreichisches Wörterbuch.
Note: This one is an Austrian dictionary. -R. Luke
Input: One copy of the Duden.
Setting: Fine
Output: A dictionary of an unknown language resembling German.
Input: One copy of the Duden.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A copy of "Every Language Ever In One Book!". The book has the same amount of pages as the original input-book, however every 0.29% of a single page is taken up with the entire dictionary of one language. Pages are difficult to read even with a microscope. Book was moved to on-site non-anomalous objects storage.
Note: If any of you wanted to brush up on your learned languages: Here you go. -R. Luke
Test 914-0517
Name: Researcher Daniel
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: Three copies of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, published 2015.
Input: 1 copy of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows
Setting: Coarse
Output: A small 100 page book, titled as "Har Putar and The Dead Items". The book's plot was similar to that of Input, but was simplified and contained a lot of sarcasm and surreal humour.
Input: 1 copy of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows
Setting: Fine
Output: A book containing all of the Harry Potter novels in chronological order. Has been placed in the Site-19 breakroom on a reading stand accompanied by a microscope.
Input: 1 copy of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A brown-coloured book describing many "spells" which cause anomalous effects when uttered in the presence of it. The descriptions are highly detailed, and the book includes various sections on different kinds of spell.
Note: Why, WHY, 914 must you curse these spells to be so damn hard to pronounce? It's bad enough when you're stuck in a giant tank and have been turned into an orca just because you said a "s" instead of a "z". ~ Junior Researcher Washington
Test 914-0518
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: Three blank DVDs, 3 empty DVD cases
Note: Didn't expect the hiring process to be quite so easy! Kinda wishing he hadn't said that part about Calloway and Darby, though. Feels like a death flag might've been raised there… -Prof. Wren
Input: A blank DVD in a case
Setting: 1:1
Output: A disc-shaped piece of plastic inside of a case made of the materials used to manufacture DVDs.
Note: Okay, yeah, should've seen that coming. -Prof. Wren
Input: A blank DVD in a case
Setting: Fine
Output: A DVD and case labeled "Calloway's Calamitous Capers!" The back of the case details it as security footage of an SCP-914 experiment performed by Researcher Calloway that starts out bad and ends up turning into a "hijinx-filled escapade of love, laughter, and lasagna." The film is rated QL-37 for "violins, excessive laugh track, and graphic artichokes."
Note: What the… did it hear me mention Calloway earlier? Either way, I'm kinda scared to watch this… for all I know this could make whatever video player we put it in play Never Gonna Give You Up for the rest of eternity. -Prof. Wren
Note: I mean, that wouldn't be that bad. If you want I could give you a video player I found at a goodwill to test it with. -Intern Lunar
Note: I suppose that could work…probably best to let Calloway watch it first, though. Y'know, make sure there's nothing personal or embarrassing or otherwise best kept private. -Prof. Wren
Input: A blank DVD in a case
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A DVD case in the shape of a grenade. The case is hinged to open from the top and is locked shut with a plastic grenade pin.
Note: Okay, yeah, it definitely heard me earlier… also, definitely NOT opening this. That death flag I mentioned earlier? Not too keen on collecting it. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0519
Name: Intern Lunar
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: 1 Mug and a note with Dr. Nukea, Researcher Darby, Prof. Wren, and Dr. Piedmont names written on it.
Input: 1 Mug
Setting: Fine
Output: A porcelain Sippy cup. Testing shows that liquids contained with it are unable to be spilled.
Note: Can we have someone test this? I would but I'm a little scared that it might be dangerous. -Intern Lunar
Input: The note
Setting: Fine
Output: A note set partly set on fire. The name that was not burning is Prof. Wren. Once the fire burned it's self out, the remaining bit turned in to an origami cassette tape.
Note: I was going to send a picture to Prof. Wren, and it turned out to act like a QR code to an great play list. It's a mix-tape that's (from) fire. I think that tops all the bad puns we have got out of this thing. By the way, does Prof. Wren like 80s music? -Intern Lunar
Note: Absolutely, and I gotta say, this is a great collection. Can't say I recall Dee Snyder ever doing a cover of "Country Roads," though… or that it would sound so good. Weird. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0520
Name: Dr Tudor
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: 3 GBA Cartridges of the game: Mother 3
Input: 1 copy of Mother 3
Setting: Fine
Output: A GBA cartridge with an image of all 3 protagonists of the Mother Series. After being inserted into a Gameboy Advanced provided by Dr Bright it revealed to contain all 3 Mother games translated into many languages including unknown ones.
Note: Finally Mother 3 translated into English on the GBA. The other 2 games are a bonus. -Dr Tudor
Input: Another copy of Mother 3
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 GBA cartridge with the logo of Nintendo printed on. After inserted into a GBA it showed to have every single GBA game released on it. Some games contained were cancelled or were never released outside of a given country.
Note: I will be putting this in the break room. Nothing helps a containment breach like some Pokemon. -Dr Tudor
Test 914-0521
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: Four DVD copies of the complete series of the television show 'The Office'
Input: One DVD copy of 'The Office'
Setting: Coarse
Output: One DVD copy of 'The Office', the contents of the DVD have been edited to only include when the characters Toby Flenderson, Nelly Bertram, and Gabe Lewis are on screen.
Note: This is worse than any other output that 914 has given me. I hate it. - Dr. Piedmont
Input: One DVD copy of 'The Office'
Setting: 1:1
Output: One DVD copy of the television show 'Friends'
Input: One DVD copy of 'The Office'
Setting: Fine
Output: One edited DVD copy of 'The Office', deleted scenes have been implemented into episodes where they would most make sense. Extra footage has also been added
Note: This is actually pretty good, will probably put this in the break room if Very Fine doesn't turn out too well - Dr. Piedmont
Input: One DVD copy of 'The Office'
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A DVD copy of a series that has never been recorded or aired on television. Upon putting the DVD into a player, an opening plays that is similar to the main opening of 'The Office'. All of the characters have been replaced by Foundation personnel. After the opening plays, the viewer is greeted with a season selection screen with the words 'The Foundation' near the top of the screen. Contents of said seasons appear to reflect daily happenings in the SCP Foundation that have never happened but are plausible.
Note: I am beyond words, I'd love to watch this all, but I have so much work to do. I am going to put this in the break room if anybody else wants to watch it. - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0522
Name: Researcher David Rosen
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: One Commodore Vic-20 Home Computer
Input: One Vic-20 Home Computer
Setting: Fine
Output: One Commodore 64 Home Computer (Bread Box Model)
Note: Nice. I wonder how far this thing can go? ~Rosen
Input: One Commodore 64 Home Computer
Setting: Fine
Output: One Commodore Amiga 2000 Personal Computer
Note: Wow, video toaster and everything! I see why you guys are sticking everything under the sun in this bad boy. I might have to experiment a little more. ~Rosen
Input: One Commodore Amiga 1000 Personal Computer
Setting: Rough
Output: One Commodore Amiga CDTV Entertainment Console
Note: Ugh, I guess I put it on the wrong setting. I'll have to put it back one. ~Rosen
Input: One Commodore Amiga CDTV Entertainment Console
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One Commodore Amiga CD32 Video-Game Console
Note: Cheeky. But I can fix this. Let's see if we can go back now… ~Rosen
Input: One Commodore Amiga CD32 Video-Game Console
Setting: 1:1
Output: One low-flow porcelain toilet with branding visually similar to that of the Commodore International corporation, but with the word "Commodore" replaced with "Commode".
Note: I wanted to go back! This damned contraption is worse than a casino. ~Rosen
Note: Welcome to my world, Rosen. -Veritas
Test 914-0523
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: 5 Blocks of Marble Measuring 5.17 meters x 1.99 meters, 5 chisels
Input: 1 of the aforementioned blocks, 1 chisel
Setting: Fine
Output: A marble sculpture of SCP-096 covering its face, a chisel is laid down perpendicular to the statue. Excess marble is scattered around the statue
Note: Nice little throwback to my past inputs, 914. I'm going to be giving this away if Veritas allows it. - Dr. Piedmont
Note: Good luck finding someone willing to have that on their desk, Piedmont. -Veritas
Input: 1 marble block, 1 chisel
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A marble sculpture of SCP-914, the sculpture does not seem to possess any anomalous properties, a chisel is laid on top of the sculpture. Excess marble is inside the 'Intake' and 'Output' booths.
Input: 1 marble block, 1 chisel
Setting: Coarse
Output: A badly sculpted marble sculpture of Dr. Piedmont, a chisel is embedded in the sculpture's left leg. Excess marble is scattered around the statue.
Input: 1 marble block, 1 chisel
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A marble sculpture of the SCP Foundation insignia, with multiple anomalous items etched onto the outside of the logo. A chisel is laid down in front of the statue. Excess marble is scattered around the statue.
Note: This is actually beautiful, I might keep this. - Dr. Piedmont
Input: 1 marble block, 1 chisel
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A marble sculpture of a cupcake, a chisel is laid down right next to the sculpture. Excess marble is scattered around it.
Note: I actually survived the week, wow. All of these tests have been really interesting and I plan to do more in the future. I expect Researcher Darby to uphold his part of the deal we made at the beginning of the week. In the meantime, I'm going to find a place to put these statues for now. - Dr. Piedmont
Note: The party is next week in my office, everyone except the D-class are invited - Researcher Darby
Test 914-0524
Name: Researcher Lombardi
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: A 'Get Well' card addressed to Researcher Darby.
Input: One 'Get Well' card addressed to Researcher Darby, one permanent marker
Setting: Fine
Output: One 'Get Well' card addressed to Researcher Darby, one permanent marker. The text '914' has been stamped on the inside of the card with the marker ink. The cardstock has been altered in two notable ways. The edges of the card have been sharpened to be roughly 75% more likely to cause papercuts. In this scenario, the paper fibers will separate from the card and become lodged in the injury, inhibiting blood clotting.
Note: I'll just send Researcher Darby a photo of the card once I'm sure it doesn't contain some kind of dangerous memetic message. - Lombardi
Note: Don't kill Darby, I need that cupcake party. -Dr. Piedmont
Note: I would burn (that could be bad) dispose of that as soon as your done. I don't like the chances of something happening. - Intern Lunar
Note: Thanks for the get well cards - Researcher Darby
Test 914-0525
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 06/04/2019
Items: Five various Nintendo Entertainment System cartridges.
Note: As near and dear to me as these games all are, they've had their time. -Prof. Wren
Input: NES cartridge, "The Legend of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link."
Setting: Rough
Output: A pile of melted plastic with bits of circuit board parts sticking out of it.
I'll admit there was a slight vendetta here. The battery that kept save files alive in these older games died on me right as I finally reached the last dungeon for the first time. -Prof. Wren
Input: NES cartridge, "Dragon Warrior"
Setting: Coarse
Output: The same cartridge, fully disassembled, with parts neatly sorted.
Input: NES cartridge, "Super Mario Bros."
Setting: 1:1
Output: NES cartridge, "Soopa Koopa Troopas." Game plays exactly like the input, but with the player controlling a "Koopa Troopa," one of the turtle-like enemies in the original game. Power-ups transformed the player character into either a "Koopa Paratroopa" (same but with wings) or a "Hammer Bro" (larger enemy that could throw hammers). Enemies are replaced with characters identified as being from the game's "Mushroom Kingdom," with Princess Peach taking Bowser's role as the primary antagonist.
Huh. Neat. -Prof. Wren
Input: NES cartridge, "Metroid."
Setting: Fine
Output: At first glance, the same cartridge. Testing later revealed the game to be an NES-quality version of the Game Boy Advance title, "Metroid: Zero Mission," a remake of the same game.
Note: Okay, that's just awesome. Permission to set both of these up in the break room? -Prof. Wren
Note: Be my guest, not that it matters though. 914 didn't change the physical cartridge, NES can't run that kind of game, it's too complex for it. -Veritas
Input: NES cartridge, "Super Mario Bros. 3."
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A reddish-brown piece of plastic-like material in the shape of a large elm leaf. At Prof. Wren's request, a D-class was sent in to retrieve the leaf. Leaf disappeared upon contact with D-class. D-class grew increasingly agitated and violent over the next few minutes before crying out, after which they expired. Autopsy later revealed the D-class' body was in the process of converting to that of procyon lotor, a common raccoon, before death.
Yikes, what a way to go. Glad I decided not to take a chance with a real-life video game power-up, though admittedly I just expected the guy to grow ears and a tail. -Prof. Wren
Glad to see that the break room is getting some love. I'll test microwaves tomorrow, so wish me luck that we get something good for the break room again, like the super-toaster. -R. Luke
Test 914-0526
Name: Dr. Anton
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: A 35-page document containing all the SCP-914 test logs.
Input: Aforementioned Items
Setting: Fine
Output: a “condensed” version of the SCP-914 test logs, with most of the entries missing. Comparison to initial documents include the deletion of dozens of test logs, specifically those involving Researcher I. Darby, Prof. Calloway, M.T.Johnston, Dr. Anton, Dr. Teresa, Dr. Nukea, and SCP-096. All tests involving the alternate dials generated by SCP-914 on 27/03/2019. Also removes many comments made by researchers in remaining tests. Resulting document comprises only 15 pages, and the remainder are blank. Only addition is a section describing this current test.
Note: Okay, Lemme see…First, Why expunge MT Johnston? I thought 914 loved the guy. More importantly, why expunge those specific tests? I get Darby, Nukea, And Calloway, but MY entries? That’s Just bias. -Anton
Test 914-0527
Name: Researcher Lombardi
Date: 06/04/2019
Total Items: One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.
Note: 914 has been encouraged to do creative acts before - let's see if adding instruction helps. - Lombardi
Input: One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.
Setting: 1:1
Output: As above. The paints have been mixed to more closely match the colors commonly used by Bob Ross. The contents of the VHS has been altered to contain different episodes of 'The Joy of Painting' - all of which have been verified identical to existing broadcast episodes.
Note: 914 has locked onto the theme at least. Now we will test if upping the setting results in a painting of the given style. - Lombardi
Input: Output of previous test
Setting: Fine
Output: A VHS case formed out of the canvas, easel, and plastics of the paint containers. Case has a grayish brown color, created by mixing all of the paints together. VHS now contains episodes of 'The Joy of Multidimensional Manipulation'. Each episode depicts Bob Ross operating 914 to produce fantastical and anomalous creations.
Ross demonstrates a great deal of skill and familiarity with the device, explaining why he places a given item into 914, along with other factors that influence its output. These include specific thoughts or visualizations in his mind, temperature and humidity levels of his studio, and amount of light shining upon 914. These explanations do not provide insight into 914's operation, as they are offered as a means to an end. Example: "I've turned it up to the 'fine' setting now. I want super-cooled fiber optic sheets, so while I turn this key I of course need to think about my grandparents driving along a busy highway discussing their taxes."
Each episode follows a similar format:
- Bob Ross declares what sort of creation he will be making during the show.
- He wheels out a series of bins containing common household objects.
- He begins refining them on various settings - frequently switching between 'very fine' and 'coarse' to create some advanced piece of work and then break it down safely into component parts.
- Frequently he will manually combine or alter items outside of the device, usually to cause some sort of expected chemical change.
- In cases where an output is hazardous, he has appropriate safety gear on site both for himself and for viewers. This can take the form of censoring of video or muting of audio if output contains a memetic hazard.
- Has a similar arc to most 'Joy of Painting' episodes in that the creations seem to progress steadily towards the desired output, regress considerably halfway through the process, only to come together perfectly at the end.
The tape contains the following episodes:
- 'A crystalline trumpet that emits music notes of pure energy'
- 'Anti-gravity rollerskates'
- 'Edible stars'
- 'A rainbow that can be molded like clay.'
Note: Of course Bob Ross makes it look easy. - Lombardi'
Test 914-0528
Name: Researcher Luke
Date: 07/04/2019
Total items: Three microwaves.
Gonna be frank, this test is mainly for replacing the break room microwave. I think my tutor used that thing when he was Junior Researcher twenty years ago. -R. Luke
Input: One microwave.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A microwave oven.
Input: One microwave.
Setting: Fine
Output: The microwave now possesses a red and black exterior. The following new settings were noticed: "Cook", "Grill", "Fry", "Melt", "Incinerate" and "Well-Done". All do what one would expect, however "Well-Done" will turn the food inside into a black "rock" and "Incinerate" turn the food into ash.
Note: I requested for this to be added to the on-site break room. -R. Luke
Input: One microwave.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The microwave appears unchanged. It was moved to a testing area before it was turned on by a D-Class. After being turned one, the microwave liquefies anything in an approximately five meter radius. The researcher's present, including Researcher Luke, suffered from light burns. The object was destroyed utilizing a laser.
Once more: 914 refined an object to something that gave me burns. I think I'll no longer use heat-related items for testing for the foreseeable time. -R. Luke
Test 914-0529
Name: Dr. Freeman
Date: 07/04/2019
Total items: Five USB drives containing all fifty-two episodes of the Canadian-American 'edutainment' program The Magic School Bus (1994).
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: Rough
Output: Plastic and silicon scraps
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: Coarse
Output: A disassembled USB Drive
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: 1:1
Output: One USB Drive containing the entirety of the 'edutainment' series Beakman's World.
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: Fine
Output: One USB Drive containing fifty-two episodes of The Magic School Bus. All fifty-two original episodes remain, but have content edited to reflect modern and/or more advanced scientific knowledge—, Busasaurus has the characters encounter small feathered theropods, The Magic School Bus in the Rain Forest has the class encounter several tribesmen native to the Amazon, and their role in the ecosystem of the rain forest is discussed, and the asteroid Ceres, as well as the dwarf planets Eris and Sedna are visited in the episode The Magic School Bus Gets Lost in Space (though Pluto is still referenced as being a planet, likely to preserve the ending of the episode).
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One USB Drive containing data for over three-hundred episodes of The Magic School Bus. Due to SCP-914 being unable to violate the law of conservation of energy, several episodes are bitcrushed or compressed to the point of being unwatchable. Data recovery tools have found that, in addition to the original fifty-two episodes, the new material covers topics such as forensic science, probability, modern computer maintenance, dark matter, and anthropology.
Test 914-0530
Name: Dr Clocks
Date: 07/04/2019
Total items: Three copies of The Bible.
Input: One Bible
Setting: 1:1
Output: One Qur'an. The output though seems slightly thicker then regular versions. Possibly due to the amount of pages in the Bible.
Input: One Bible
Setting: Fine
Output: One Bible. The Old Testament though is shown to be shortened and at some points, entire chapters erased. The New Testament however, is larger and with more books inside. It is unknown if they are authentic and were cut by the Vatican centuries ago, or if 914 fabricated them.
Note: It certainly seems interesting. SCP-914 perhaps removed some parts of the Old Testament due to its more 'menacing' nature. -Dr Clocks
Input: One Bible
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One red book. The book cover seems to have no markings aside from the words 'Shormaush Urdal' engraved on the spine in yellow. Upon retrieval by Dr Clocks, Dr Clocks immediately fainted. After he woke up, he started yelling incoherently, the exact nature and definition of these words are unknown. Dr Clocks was then amnesticised and the book safely incinerated.
Note: I still have a goddamn headache. Guess that's what happens when you accidentally read some sort of cult book. -Dr Clocks
Test 914-0531
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 08/04/2019
Total Items: One handwritten note
Input: One note reading "Thank you, 914"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One anomalous note reading "Thank you, 914". Upon coming into contact with said note, the subject praises and compliments SCP-914 for 9 minutes and 14 seconds.
Note: That was one of the worst experiences of my life, I am going to dispose of this as soon as possible
Test 914-0532
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 08/04/2019
Total Items: A transcript of the instance of SCP-2305-A documenting how to eliminate SCP-682, copied from Experiment Log T-98816-OC108/682.
Note: We got a request for this one from the guys handling SCP-682's containment. Their hope is that, by refining 2305's useless termination procedure through 914, it will output something that actually works. Not familiar with 682, but if they're trying to kill it rather than just contain it, that sounds kinda important. Anyway, here goes nothing. -Prof. Wren
Input: The transcript.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A single, blank sheet of paper. Holding it causes the first page of a new SCP-2305-A instance to appear. Flipping the page over to the right reveals further pages of the instance, while flipping it to the left goes back. The entire instance documents an elaborate, 266-page plan for eliminating SCP-682 involving various rituals, SCPs, and other technologies, many of which are not yet known to exist or even be physically possible. As per usual with instances of SCP-2305-A, the proposed plan fails to destroy its intended target; specifically, the plan ends with the entire universe being crushed to a sphere roughly 28 nanometers in diameter, which 682 then devours with a satisfied belch. The "moral of the story" given at the end simply reads, "Nice try."
Note: Yikes. If that's what 682's like, it's no wonder they want it dead. Still, why anyone would even think to use an aardvark for something like that is beyond me…not to mention kinda gross. Anyway, gonna make a copy of this in case the folks on 682 or 2305 research want/need it, then try again. Can't do much worse, right? -Prof. Wren
Input: The augmented transcript from previous experiment.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A blank piece of paper; holding it causes a cognitohazardous symbol to appear to the holder. Looking at the symbol leaves the viewer in a state of paralyzing fear until their line of sight is interrupted or they let go of the paper, at which point the symbol disappears. Object was safely incinerated shortly afterwards.
Note: Okay, yeah, that was definitely worse. Permission to go have that image wiped from my mind forever? Pretty please? -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0533
Name: Doctor S.
Date: 08/04/2019
Total Items: Four plastic prescription vials of 24 █████████ brand pain killers, each of which weighing 15 grams. Official Site-██ Prescription sticker on front of vial states: "██████████ brand Pain Killers. Take two pills every eight hours for pain relief."
Note: Seeing as I keep having to deal with the injuries that this machine keeps piling up, I might as well use it to make my job easier to deal with in the future. Also, try to limit things that can very easily lead to bodily harm, I've been given the nickname "Darby's Personal Nurse" by the rest of Site-██'s medical staff. -Doctor S.
Input: One of the above mentioned vials.
Setting: Rough
Output: A smoking pile of burning plastic, crushed up shards of opium, glue, shredded paper, and ink that are equivalent to the mass initially imputed.
I disposed of the mess into the correct disposal, but the smell of burning plastic is still lingering. I will wash out the room when I finish. -Doctor S.
Input: One of the above mentioned vials.
Setting: Coarse
Output: An empty prescription vial, with the lid removed, and a pill of pain killers sorted by recommended dosage.
Note: After confirming the pills are not anomalous or different than the input, I put the pills back into vial for re-use. -Doctor S.
Input: Re-assembled output of previous test.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One solidified powder prescription vial. The lid mechanism broke after attempting to open the bottle, which revealed 26 plastic hollow pills. Consumption of the vial in correct dosages produces same result as original pain killers.
Input: One of the above mentioned vials.
Setting: Fine
Output: Prescription Vial of 12 unmarked pills, each of which are the equivalent to the mass of two pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain Killers. Take one every 24 hours for instantaneous pain relief." D-Class testing reveals that all previous sensations that could be defined as uncomfortable are immediately alleviated for exactly 24 hours. No negative side effects have been witnessed at this time.
Note: After having it tested for anomalous tendencies, I'm going to bring this to the lab for possible reverse-engineering. Lord knows that you people could use these. -Doctor S.
Input: One of the above mentioned vials
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One Plastic Prescription Vial of 24 unmarked pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain. Take one every 12 hours for instantaneous pain." Within three seconds of being consumed by D-Class, subjects fall to ground screaming in agony. Within 1 hour, subjects stopped screaming due to loss of voice, but continued to roll of ground in agony for 2 more hours before being administered a "914 brand Painkiller" to test which drug is more powerful. Subjects state there was still a dull throb of pain across their entire body after being administered pain killer. A physical evaluation of subjects reveal no lingering damage to internal organ structure or bodily functions.
Note: I guess 914 doesn't care much for "Do No Harm" -Doctor S.
Test 914-0534
Name: Dr. N████ Trandfir
Date: 08/04/2019
Total Items: Four copies of the Valve game ”Left 4 Dead 2”, stored on standard USB drives
Input: One Copy of Left 4 Dead 2
Setting: Rough
Output: A USB drive, cut up into several hundred plastic and metal shards.
Input: One Copy of Left 4 Dead 2
Setting: Coarse
Output: A USB drive, with the plastic casing removed and the files stored on it heavily corrupted.
Input: One Copy of Left 4 Dead 2
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of the Valve game Left 4 Dead
Input: One Copy of Left 4 Dead 2
Setting: Fine
Output: One Pipe bomb, an explosive device featured in Left 4 Dead 2
Input: One Copy of Left 4 Dead 2
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A vial formed out of a mix of plastic and metal, containing a pathogen which appears to be a heavily mutated form of the rabies virus, with a very high infection rate. Tests performed on the pathogen indicate it acts similarly to the Left 4 Dead games “green flu”.
Test 914-0535
Name: Researcher Festiv
Date: 09/04/2019
Items: 30 of SCP-38 produced SCP-500
Input: 30 SCP-38 produced SCP-500
Setting: fine
Output: A red sphere. Holding it heals the holder of all minor injuries, But holding it for 10 seconds will make cuts appear on the holder.
That hurt. Guess it makes the cuts and wont heal disease because the 38 produced 500 has a fail rate of 70% - Researcher Festiv.
Test 914-0536
Name: Doctor Sheath
Date: 09/04/2019
Total items: Five incomplete test logs, with the input as "SCP-682."
Note: Don't lie, we’re all curious what would happen. Hopefully 914 can fill in the gaps for us. -Dr. Sheath
Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Rough."
Setting: 1:1
Output: One incomplete test log, with input "Rough" and setting "SCP-682."
Note: No, not quite, 914. Try again.
Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Coarse."
Setting: 1:1
Output: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "course." Included at the bottom is a childlike doodle of SCP-682 in a racecar driving along a race course.
Note: I'm not sure it understands what I'm going for.
Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "1:1."
Setting: 1:1
Output: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-1" and setting "682:682."
Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Fine."
Setting: 1:1
Output: One incomplete test log for Experiment Log T-98816-OC108/682, detailing an attempt to kill SCP-682 by throwing SCP-914 at it.
Input: One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682” and setting “Very Fine."
Setting: 1:1
Output: One piece of paper, with a cognitohazardous symbol on it. Those who look at it fall into a dreamlike state where they imagine a titanic SCP-682 ruling over something. No two dreams have been the same thus far.
Note: The paper has been incinerated at the request of many. All I saw was 682 burning down the entire planet. Apparently I got lucky. Some researchers witnessed it eating a galaxy, others saw it killing individual family members, and at least two saw it try to seduce them.
Test 914-0537
Name: Researcher Nyka
Date: 09/04/2019
Total Items: Two copies of SCP-2337's documentation
Note: All personnel wore 26M ear protection as a precaution.
Input: One copy of SCP-2337's documentation
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of SCP-2337's documentation translated into Esperanto, with SCP-2337's speech in the interview log being a mangled variant.
Input: One copy of SCP-2337's documentation
Setting: Fine
Output: A recipe for "Stranglefruit Casablanca" written in a style consistent with SCP-2337's language. Recipe appears to be for a type of cocktail that involves a mixture of gummy worms and several types of alcoholic beverages, but due to ongoing difficulties with parsing 2337's language, the exact steps are still unknown.
Requesting permission to try and mix this if the Linguistics Department gives the OK. -Researcher Nyka
Test 914-0538
Name: Researcher Devyn
Date: 09/04/2019
Total Items: One handheld catalytic generator, 18% conversion efficiency.
Note: Researcher Devyn is on assignment from Dr. King.
Note: In case anyone is wondering, a catalytic generator produces electricity via a catalyst between [DATA EXPUNGED]. A handheld unit like the one provided can produce up to 48 watts of power an hour for a period of up to 4 hours. However, the process currently leaves 82% of the materials in an unusable state without refinement, resulting in the short life span before replacement of materials is needed. The goal of this experiment is to produce a generator with close to 100% efficiency, in order to tackle the Foundation's growing energy needs. -Researcher Devyn
Input: The catalytic generator.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 157 apple seeds 157 smaller catalytic generators, each having 1/157 the mass of the original and measuring approximately the size of a piece of candy corn. Tests revealed that, while each generator had 99.4% conversion efficiency, they only output 0.04W an hour. Additionally, a cognitohazardous anomaly causes anyone directly viewing them to perceive them as appleseeds; viewing through a camera feed mitigates the anomaly. Further analysis of the changes in the devices' technology is currently pending.
Note: Dammit, should have known this would happen…also, what the hell are you people talking about? Those are clearly [EXPLETIVE DELETED] apple seeds. -Researcher Devyn
Note: Suggestions to deliver the generators to Dr. King are preemptively denied.
Test 914-0539
Name: Dr. Teon
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: Three wads of red wool.
Input: One wad
Setting: Fine
Output: A little humanoid figure made out of wool.
Input: One wad
Setting: Fine
Output: A compressed cube of red wool.
Input: One wad
Setting: Fine
Output: Upon opening of the output booth, several wing-shaped constructions made out of wool came flying at high speeds out of it and hit the overseeing security guard, who was completely unharmed.
Test 914-0540
Name: Researcher Darby
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: 5 Papers on Quantum Theory, 5 small balls of steel, 4 beef Ramen bowls;
Note: Who took that last bowl of beef ramen? Also, don't ask what the point of this is because I have no answer. - Researcher Darby
Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel;
Setting: Rough
Output: Shreds of Paper and Steel fragments;
Note: Not surprised - Researcher Darby
Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
Setting: Coarse
Output: Paper, Steel, Plastic, and Ramen neatly separated along with a puddle of ink;
Note: Again, standard coarse reaction to input. - Researcher Darby
Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
Setting: 1:1
Output: Paper on Planetary Physics, Steel Cube, Chicken Ramen bowl;
Note: In my opinion 914, turning a perfectly good bowl of Beef Ramen to a bowl of Chicken Ramen is regression not equivalent exchange. - Researcher Darby
Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
Setting: Fine
Output: Paper describing 7th Dimension travel, Steel bull, Cooked beef Ramen, Researcher Darby;
Note: I'm looking at myself watching me write this note…. - Researcher Darby
Input: Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Animate Steel Beetle with Ramen and Plastic Legs and Paper Wings. Upon exiting output booth it charged at Researcher Darby's control booth and forced him to enter the Input booth. Researcher Darby's Intern attempted to rescue Researcher Darby but was stopped by a burst of ink from the Beetle and the Quantum Darby holding him back. Once Researcher Darby was fully inside the Input booth the Beetle initiated SCP-914 (On Very Fine) and managed to slip inside the input booth before it closed. When 914 finished refining, security personnel attempted to rescue Researcher Darby but instant examination of the Output booth showed that both Researcher Darby and the Beetle were gone.
Note: It had to happen. Otherwise, we would be stuck in a paradox, and nothing gets done. I would also like my Researcher status restored, as I am Researcher Darby and not a Quantum Anomaly. - Quantum Darby
Note: Darby, are you stealing my beef Ramen bowls through some sort of quantum shenanigans? Cause if you are then I would appreciate if you would stop as the Ramen is the food for my mug cat. Also try asking Rosen if he can help you with the status problem. Also where are you? -Intern Lunar.
Note: Apparently I don't exist anymore, I'd tell you my location but I'm not even sure where that is - Researcher Darby
Test 914-0541
Name: Researcher Festiv
Date: 10/04/2019
Item: A large stack of paper detailing complaints about 914 cluttering the break room
Input: Aforementioned stack of paper
Setting: Very fine
Output: A paper sphere that rolled into the break room. It then turned into a paper machine that latched onto a wall and then spread to both ends of the wall. When metal is put into its "input" slot it consumes the metal and extends the room in the direction of the wall. This process does not overlap into, or destroy other rooms. The break room, when viewed through a X-ray, appears normal, however.
Note: It consumes 3x of the resources needed, a sample shows it simply condenses the metal. it also plays a loud laugh track when a complainer enters the room -Researcher Festiv
Note: I thought that was a paper shredder, be careful where you step. Sorry -Intern Lunar
Note: I'll just put a sheet of metal over it then cover that with a carpet. The input has also been labled. - Researcher Festive
Test 914-0542
Name: Researcher Westrin:
Date: 10/04/2019
Item: 25 Pop-Tart™ toaster pastries, strawberry flavor.
Input: 5 strawberry Pop-Tarts™
Setting: Coarse
Output: Two large piles of crumbs, one brown in color and one white and red in color.
Input: 5 strawberry Pop-Tarts™
Setting: Rough
Output: One large square shaped pastry crust surrounded by large amounts of crumbs. The words "Et tu, Brute?" are written on the pastry in hardened frosting.
Input: 5 strawberry Pop-Tarts™
Setting: 1:1
Output: 5 Pop-Tarts™ with a spread of sugary filling on the top of the pastry. The inside of the Pop-Tarts™ are replaced with hardened frosting.
Input: 5 strawberry Pop-Tarts™
Setting: Fine
Output: A recreation of the human tongue constructed entirely out of Pop-Tart™ materials. Hardened frosting is placed on specific parts of the "tongue" that seem to imitate inflamed papillae.
Input: 5 strawberry Pop-Tarts™
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A small creature resembling Homo Vindicta at roughly 40 centimeters in height. The specimen has skin constructed out of hardened frosting. Shortly after creation, it grabbed a sharp piece of itself, stabbed its abdomen, in which it bled sugar filling. It appeared to "eat" the filling by forcefully shoving a handful into its facial area before becoming inert.
Test 914-0543
Name: Dr. Beiderman
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: One prosthetic arm, procured from Rosen.
Note: Make no mistake. This isn't a test. This is a funeral. In memory of N.C.E., and his
weird obsession with 914.
Input: Aforementioned prosthetic arm.
Setting: Rough
Output: 1 large pile of scrap metal, vaguely shaped like a gravestone.
Note: I know I said it wasn't a test. But that one guy with the theory that 914 understands the emotional stigma of items might be correct.
Test 914-0544
Name: Dr. Nukea
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: An estimated 2,874 copies of 17 again
Just wanna see the limit of 914 -Nukea
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Rough
Output: A giant sheet of plastic. On top of the plastic is another layer of polycarbonate plastic. There is also a large piece of paper covered in colors. The colors match the colors found on copies of 17 again.
Note: Alright. Just tested the limit. Don’t ask where I got so many copies, okay? -Nukea
Note: At this point, I think we're all just afraid to. -Prof. Wren
Note: I think amazon is out of stock on 17 again. -Intern Lunar
Note: I already know it was 038. - Dr. Matism
Test 914-0545
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: One 8-oz. can of WD-40
Note: After another round of Movie Night with Nukea, I thought 914 could use a break. -Prof. Wren
Input: 1 can of WD-40.
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 8-oz. bottle of Passion Fruit-Ranch Caffeine-Free Coke Zero. This flavor is not produced by the Coca-Cola company. Contents later verified to be WD-40.
Note: What…why? This… I… okay, I know 914 can be unpredictable sometimes, but…WHAT!? -Prof. Wren
Note: I think Nukea broke it -Intern Lunar
Test 914-0546
Name: Dr. Range ~~ Site-19 Medical Department
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: 3 vials of the influenza virus
TESTING ABORTED
Note: Absolutely not. Now get the hell out of my testing area. - Veritas
Test 914-0547
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: 3 cupcakes
Note: Finally back from my break, and had that cupcake party. - Dr. Piedmont
Input: 1 cupcake
Setting: 1:1
Output: A frosting filled cupcake. All frosting is gone from the top of the cupcake.
Input: 1 cupcake
Setting: Rough
Output: A smashed cupcake.
Note: Not surprised by that - Dr. Piedmont
Input: 1 cupcake
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A seemingly normal cupcake, upon consuming it the subject begins to experience the symptoms of food poisoning and acquires internal bleeding.
Note: Dr. Piedmont was administered to Site-██'s medical ward shortly after the test, he is scheduled to return to testing in 3 days time.
Note: I practically expected that. I'm glad I won the bet, though. - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0548
Name: Dr. Matism
Date:10/04/2019
Total Items: 1 note reading "Don't expose me to a cognitohazard please."
Input: Above
Setting: 1:1
Output Cognitohazardous symbols that when viewed, cause extreme cravings of Mexican food.
Note: God [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] 914, you had one job! - Dr. Matism
Note: Who the hell put that thing in the cafeteria during pizza Wednesday? Everyone starved themselves! - Researcher Danok
Note: I just folded the pizza into a taco and put toppings on it. -Intern Lunar
Note: Can we hire Lunar? His ingenuity is baffling. - Dr. Matism
Note: Let him send his resume to my office. I have a feeling a position is going to open up if you keep up the level of professionalism that you currently have. -Veritas
Test 914-0549
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 10/04/2019
Total Items: Three foil birthday balloons, brightly painted and filled with a mixture of air and helium. One balloon considerably larger than the others, in the shape of a honeybee.
Note: Had my birthday a few days ago and since these are still floating around I thought they would be interesting to work with. - Stan
Input: One balloon
Setting: 1:1
Output: One balloon, with the foil molded into the shape of a beehive. Painted randomly with the same color scheme as the original balloon
I really don't want this to become a thing… -Stan
Input: One balloon
Setting: Fine
Output: A small pill-shaped capsule, roughly 13 cm wide and 30 cm long. Output booth was remotely opened, and upon opening, the capsule exploded open. It is theorized that 914 attempted to compress the helium into the container, but the materials were not strong enough to withstand the pressurized gas.
Input: One large honeybee shaped balloon
Note: I did NOT find it funny to enter my room after a long day to see a giant flying bee waiting in there for me. Really put the surprise in surprise party. I wonder what it will do with the provided materials. -Stan
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A balloon in the shape of a 1930s Akron class airship. The class of airship was designed to carry small fighter craft that could launch from and defend the ship. The airship floated out of the output booth and initially stayed in place. Jr. Researcher Stan, unaware of the purpose of Akron class airships, entered the experiment room to inspect the output. Upon JR. Stan coming close to the airship, multiple foil honeybees were released from the bottom of the craft. Personnel suffered multiple small stings from the metal stingers of the bees, which were found to not detach like their normal counterparts. The airship was eventually shot multiple times by security, which caused it to crash from loss of helium. The metal bees became inert after the "mothership" crashed.
Note: Guess bees are a thing now. I already generally disliked bees and 914 isn't helping.
Test 914-0550
Name: Researcher Lombardi
Date: 11/04/2019
Total Items: Two identical 300-piece puzzles. Puzzles depict a scene of consisting of a sailboat on the water at noon.
Input: One nearly completed 300 piece puzzle, with the exception of a randomly removed piece.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One nearly completed 280 piece puzzle of similar dimensions, with a single piece missing. Puzzle depicts a scene consisting of a family having a picnic in a forest clearing.
Input: The missing piece of the original input set.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A puzzle piece. Imagery on the piece matches up with the output of the previous test. However, the edges are cut to only line up with 3 of the 4 surrounding pieces.
Note: It would appear 914 has made the world's most frustrating Christmas Gift. - Lombardi
Input: One nearly completed 300 piece puzzle, with the exception of a randomly removed piece.
Setting: Fine
Output: One complete 500 piece puzzle. While no pieces are missing, puzzle is roughly 0.3% smaller to adjust for the missing mass. Two pieces show visual artifacts consistent with a 'content-aware fill' popular in modern image editing software. Puzzle depicts a scene consisting of a much more extravagant boat at sunset.
Input: The missing piece of the second input set.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One blank piece of cardboard cut into the shape of an asterisk. Object shows anomalous properties when placed over a gap in a piece of media. When this occurs, the object will reshape itself, growing or shrinking, until the missing area is covered. Object then changes color and content to match up with the host media. Removing the piece will revert it back to its original state. Testing with known documents has shown that while the filled portions of content seem plausible, they are not accurate. Using the object on the same piece of media repeatedly will give different results each time. Object has shown this reaction against holes, redactions, or censorship in text, pictures, and video.
Test 914-0551
Name: Doctor Thurston
Date: 11/04/2019
Total Items: One globe, one box of tissues and a copy of Dr. Thurston's poetry.
Input: One globe.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One globe displaying the position of Earth's landmasses approximately 1 million years in the future, in addition to a large crater in what was North America.
Input: A copy of Dr. Thurston's poetry.
Setting: Fine
Output: A wastepaper basket.
Note: Critic. -Thurston
Test 914-0552
Name: Dr. V█████
Date: 11/04/2019
Total items: One toolbox containing one each of the following: A flathead screwdriver, a Phillips screwdriver, a claw hammer, a ballpeen hammer, a 16' measuring tape, a hacksaw, needle-nose pliers, vice grips, a crescent wrench adjustable to up to 2-1/2", a set of metric Allen wrenches, and a set of standard Allen wrenches.
Note: If all goes well with this test, this will create the perfect multi-tool, suitable for any task. Then I…er, the Foundation, rather, can reverse-engineer it and market it for millions! -Dr. V█████
Input: The toolbox.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A large, multi-limbed arthropodal creature made of plastic and metal. Its abdomen and head resembled the toolbox. At the end of each limb was the end of one of the tools. Immediately upon the "Output" booth opening, the creature attacked Dr. V█████ and smashed his head in with its hammer-appendages, killing him instantly. Security personnel moved in and destroyed the creature.
Note: "If all goes well with this test?" He seriously said that? Since when has that ever happened with anything involving 914, especially on the Very Fine setting? I've only been here a few weeks and even I know better than that. -Prof. Wren
Note: If he was trying to do this for profit you could say he was being a tool. Also, yeah don't think Very Fine is going to do what you want. -Intern Lunar
Note: Why is the body count in my testing area on par with bloody 682's termination record? Am I not strict enough in security measures or are half of my research staff just drooling imbeciles?! - Veritas
Test 914-0553
Name: Dr Clocks
Date: 11/04/2019
Total Items: Three USB Drives each containing the song My name is
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: 1:1
Output: One USB Drive containing the song The Real Slim Shady.
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: Fine
Output: One USB Drive containing the song King Charles II: King of Bling from Horrible Histories.
Note: If no one cares about it. Can I keep this? -Dr Clocks
Input: One USB Drive
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One USB Drive containing My Name Is. However, after every time the song says ‘my name is’, Eminem instead says a name. These names were later found out to be O5 members.
Notice: Dr Clocks was later found on surveillance footage walking to the Site’s incinerator while muttering under his breath. Afterwards, he was found at the amnestics bay.
Test 914-0554
Name: Dr. Terren
Date: 11/04/2019
Total items: A copy of the SNES game StarFox
If Nukea can clutter it up with 17 again then I can put in whatever I want that isn’t living or something that won’t become 096 -Terren
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Fine
Output: A copy of StarFox for the SNES, except the character ''Falco'' has been replaced with Dr. Lombardi.
Note: Huh? I’m so confused. -Terren
Note: Seems like a pretty straight forward improvement to me - Lombardi
Test 914-0555
Name: Dr. Q. C. Youngren
Date: 11/04/2019
Total Items: Three copies of SCP-●●|●●●●●|●●|●'s report, in standard pictograph form
Note: this is a test to see if we can get a written report of… the SCP without triggering the anomalous properties. -Youngren
Input: One copy of the report
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of an unknown SCP-055's report.
Note: We had a 055?-Youngren
Input: One report
Setting: Fine
Output: Nothing
Note: Upon the output door opening, 25—er, that darn Skip appeared and took the output!!-Youngren.
Input: One report
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An intricate origami figurine of SCP-●●|●●●●●|●●|●
Note: I don't know if I should be mad my plan failed or intrigued at such a complex figurine-Youngren
Test 914-0556
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 11/04/2019
Items: Three 12 oz. bottles of homemade soda, one 8 oz. container of fruit salad, one bag of Earl Grey tea, 1 packet of hot sauce.
Notes: As disgusting as I'm sure that Passion Fruit-Ranch stuff 914 made a can for the other night, it did give me a couple of ideas. If these pan out, we might be able to market them on a front company for increased revenue. Or at least serve them in the break room. -Prof. Wren
Input: 1 bottle of soda, 1 container of fruit salad.
Setting: Fine
Output: One 20 oz bottle of carbonated beverage. The label shows a variety of fruit made entirely out of bubbles.
Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. As expected, it's soda with a mixed variety of fruit flavors, most prominently apple, grape, and strawberry. Marketability level: 8.5/10. -Prof. Wren
Input: One bottle of soda, one tea bag.
Setting: Fine
Output: One 12 oz bottle of brown liquid, warm to the touch, and two small cubes later identified as pure cane sugar. The label shows the Union Jack made entirely of bubbles.
Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. Basically, it made carbonated tea and stripped the sugar I used to make the stuff out entirely. Yuck. Marketability level: 1.0/10. -Prof Wren
Input: One bottle of soda, one packet of hot sauce.
Setting: Fine
Output: One 12 oz bottle of fizzy red liquid, shaking violently. Security footage showed the label to have nuclear hazard symbols around the edges with the word "CAUTION!!" repeated over and over in between. Bottle exploded shortly after the "output" booth opened, spraying the booth with liquid and glass shards while lodging the cap in the ceiling. No indication of NBR hazards were found; explosion thought to be caused by the liquid being super-heated. Cleanup crews cleaned the "output" booth of soda spray and shattered glass without incident.
Note: I thought this one might be a bad idea going in, but I didn't think it'd be THAT bad. Marketability level: -∞/10. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0557
Name: Researcher Larua
Date: 12/04/2019
Total Items: 5 grey wool jackets covered in cat hair, 5 lint rollers
Greetings everyone, I'm Researcher Zenet Larua. I'm happy to finally have gotten permission to have access to this machine. From everything I've read, I'm quite excited to see what my experiments will yield. -Larua
Input: 1 jacket, 1 roller
Setting: Rough
Output: A jumble of wool, hair, and plastic all stuck together with adhesive.
Input: 1 jacket, 1 roller
Setting: Coarse
Output: Two neat piles of hair and wool respectively. The handle of the lint roller was sitting in the center of the room with each individual sheet from the lint roller stuck to the walls of the output chamber.
Note: Only my second test ever with this machine and it's already making me work with taking down all those sheets. I sneezed at one point prior to that cleaning up the cat hair, but most of the hair conveniently stuck to the sheets on the walls. Getting mixed signals from that. -Researcher Larua
Input: 1 jacket, 1 brush
Setting: 1:1
Output: The lint roller was replaced with a cat brush packed with the cat hair from the jacket. The jacket design was now orange and black tiger stripes.
Note: Why is the jacket black and orange when the cat hair was brown? Wait, the hair on the brush isn't even brown but red.
Input: 1 jacket, 1 brush
Setting: Fine
Output: The jacket and brush seemed to have fused together with the interior of the jacket being some kind of adhesive. When chemically examined, the adhesive was determined to be some kind of body wax for hair removal. Upon D-Class testing with a subject possessing a large amount of chest and back hair, all hair on their torso was cleanly removed when the jacket was taken off with surprisingly no resistance. D-Class subject also reported no sensation of pain with the hair removal, and the interior of the jacket itself was also devoid of the stripped hair. After just 10 minutes, said D-Class began complaining about irritation across their entire torso. Over the next 20 minutes, the D-Class was observed with an inflamed, beet-red torso that rapidly grew what appeared to be some form of cat fur before the inflammation settled. Two more D-Class were subjected to the test with not one bearing fur of the same species or design. The jacket was later disposed of via incineration.
Input: 1 jacket.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A normal looking wool cap. When given to a D-Class and placed on their head, they suddenly began to convulse before dropping to the floor and expiring with blood pooling around their body. Autopsy reports revealed that the subject's body hair had inverted and was growing on the inside of their skin. It is also noted that the growth was so forceful and enhanced that their hair wound its way into their flesh and organs, and even began growing into their bones. The hat was placed into storage for later testing on non-biological items.
Note: I'm getting sick just reading this report… I'm glad I didn't actually do the autopsy. -Researcher Larua
Test 914-0558
Name: Researcher Festiv
Date: 12/04/2019
Input: three AI cores, three personnel files of Researcher Festiv
Note: I know its unlikely. I just want to see if it will happen.
Input: One of each aforementioned item
Setting: Fine
Output: One AI core made, when plugged in it doesn't display the standard AI interface, but instead displays a blank personnel file. One personnel file, unchanged
Input: One of each aforementioned item
Setting: Fine
Output: One AI core, when plugged in a constant ticking can be heard, followed by the sound of an explosion and a machine breaking 20 seconds after. One personnel file, unchanged
Note: Sentry down!
Input: One of each aforementioned item
Setting: Fine
Output: One AI core, when plugged in, an AI resembling SCP-079 was present. When interviewed on a computer disconnected from the network, it showed it has nothing but loyalty to the Foundation. One file now contains the page for SCP-079.
Note: I'd love to run a few tests with it as the operator but considering it's that close to 079 it's too dangerous. The core has been wiped. -Researcher Festiv
Test 914-0559
Name: Researchers Calloway and Darby
Date: 12/04/2019
Total Items: 15 kilograms of steel, 15 capacitors, 2 hard drives, 2 notes with smiley faces
Note {Darby}: I am missing a hard drive due to someone forgetting which way goes up in transit and breaking it. Also I have had my Researcher status restored on probation, they still don't believe I'm the same Darby that went into 914 and came out [REDACTED] years prior to that test.
Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Darby.
Input: 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive
Setting: Fine
Output: 6 1-kilogram Steel cockroaches run by AA batteries (presumably what the capacitors transformed into), 1 control module with mini USB female port.
Note {Darby}: I can plug this into my laptop, let's see what it does. Oooh it controls the cockroaches. Apparently they locate nearby electronics and do something. Maybe R&D can use this or… maybe not, the cockroach just ate Calloway's laptop and is making a duplicate of itself from the mass it gained.
Note {Calloway}: Just… keep those things away from me.
Input: Note with smiley face
Setting: Fine
Output: Note, however the smiley Face has been replaced by a Soviet Hammer and Sickle. Viewing of note effects the viewer causing them to believe they are Russian spies infiltrating the SCP Foundation. Researcher Darby was apprehended and administered anti-memetics after attempting to send Top Secret documentation about SCP-914, Site 19, Dr. Veritas, SCP-682, and others to the current Russian Spy Agency.
Note {Darby}: Я НЕ КОММУНИСТ 914 ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ЭТО ДЕЛАЕТЕ ДЛЯ МЕНЯ! Теперь я не могу перестать говорить по-русски, и все это параноид от меня.
Note: Someone keep him on amnestics for a while before he hurts himself, or more importantly, my equipment. -Veritas
Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Calloway.
Input: 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive.
Setting: Fine
Output: A steel device, which acts as a sort of "human hard drive", allowing the downloading and uploading of memories and thoughts via a cerebral device. Upon use on D-Class Personnel, all memories were erased, excepting those relating to SCP-914.
Note: Nice try, 914. -Researcher Calloway
Input: 1 note, with a smiley face drawn on it.
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 note, with an anomalous symbol drawn on it. When viewed by a subject, the subject will become SCP-096 all personnel viewing the subject will become convinced that it is SCP-096 for fifteen minutes.
Note {Calloway}: The only reason I didn't get stuffed into a containment chamber faster than you can think is that we got a Class-D to get the test item. There were containment breach alarms going off everywhere, and we panicked, of course. Until it wore off, and we let the poor Class-D out of the containment chamber.
Note: These tests were performed by both Researchers
Input: 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, Note {Calloway's}
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Twisted mass of steel, copper, and paper in the shape of an Archaic rune. Study reveals that had the rune been on paper it would have imparted a blind rage upon viewers, causing them to attempt to terminate any living being nearby.
Note {Darby}: I did not expect 914 to fail that bad at killing us, Calloway, want to do another test with my note instead?
Input: 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, note {Darby's}
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Metal cube with paper symbols on the sides, the symbols compel the viewer to press a large glowing button on the cube. Upon both Researchers pressing the button, it sent out a wave of energy throughout the entirety of Site [REDACTED], disabling most security and containment systems and causing a Major Containment Breach. Thankfully, the SCPs that escaped containment were drawn to Researcher Darby and Calloway and attempted to eliminate them, causing massive casualties to personnel in their way. The effect of the cube lasted for 3 hours upon which the SCP's were contained and repairs began.
Note {Darby}: I couldn't resist it, looks like my researcher status is again in question. I'm going to my roomCell until Veritas figures out what to do with me.
Note: This was a major disaster, we had 34% of D-Class, 18% of Research Staff, 30% of my Security Forces and my secretary killed by the Containment Breach and we still have not re-contained all of them. Thank God for fail-safes or it could have been worse - Security Chief Brandt
Note: Dr. Veritas' request to reassign Researcher Darby and Calloway to the mobile Site orbiting Mars has been denied. His request to reassign Darby and Calloway to the Research base in Antarctica is currently under review. - Site Director Hackett
Test 914-0560
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 12/04/2019
Total Items: One diagram for a cuckoo clock written on a 27" pine 2x4, one 36-oz bronze cube, two otamatones.
Note: Half a test to see if 914 can follow a blueprint, half an attempt to update my alarm clock. -Prof. Wren
Input: The 2x4, the bronze cube, the otamatones.
Setting: Fine
Output: A 1/72 scale model of an SR-71 blackbird made out of wood, bronze, and white plastic. If thrown, it glides through the air at up to 20km/h while making a noise similar to a pair of otamatones being used to play discordant notes.
Note: While disappointing and slightly annoying to listen to, I have to admit this is pretty impressive looking. Requesting permission to keep this in my quarters. -Prof. Wren
Note: Get those things out of here, they're giving me a headache. -Veritas
Test 914-0561
Name: Researcher Z. Larua
Date: 12/04/2019
Total Items: 5 'Rocket' stacking tip pencils from the 1990s
Input: 1 pencil
Setting: Rough
Output: A pile of graphite powder with plastic shards in it.
Input: 1 pencil
Setting: Coarse
Output: Each individual tip was turned into its own pencil, with the plastic case remade into individual single-tip cases.
Note: I'm writing the initial draft of this report with these, and holy hell are my fingers cramping. -Larua
Input: 1 pencil
Setting: 1:1
Output: One miniature rocket firework that automatically ignited and launched out of the output when the door opened. It flew around for a few seconds before bursting open and releasing several mini firework explosions. The number of explosions matched the number of tips and the explosion color matched the color of the plastic case.
Note: Heh, 'rocket' pencil. -Larua
Input: 1 pencil
Setting: Fine
Output: An ordinary #2 pencil.
Note: Seriously? That's it? Does 914 see these pencils as so inefficient that it views a regular pencil as a major upgrade? That hurts 914. That's my childhood you're stepping on.
Input: 1 pencil
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The same pencil, physically identical to the input. Upon testing, the pencil displayed an anomalous effect when the slightest amount of pressure was placed on either the tip or the back of the pencil to cycle the tips forward. The pressure would cause the tip on the opposite end to be forcefully launched outward in excess of 100m/s. These 'shots' made little to no sound except on impact with another object. Graphite tip was refined into some kind of material similar to obsidian.
Note: Another 'rocket' joke it seems, except this one is notably more lethal than the first. -Larua
Test 914-0562
Name: Junior Researcher Kenwol
Date: 12/04/2019
Total Items: 100 D20s
Input:10 D20s
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 D900
Note: How can I use this, 914? How? What am I supposed to do? Roll initiative, oh sorry, I only have a D900 on hand - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Input: 10 D20s
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 10 normal D20s 10 D20s that always roll 20
Note: Do I have permission to keep these? - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Input: 80 D20s
Setting: Fine
Output: A D20 exceptionally larger than a normal D20, by about 80 times. Closer examination shows that is is the same mass of 80 D20s
Note: Where are we supposed to store this? - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: Where do we store any of these things? - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: Mind if I borrow that? I want to test a theory. -Prof. Wren
Note: Go ahead. - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Test 914-0563
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 12/04/2019
Total Items: The gargantuan D20 created in a previous test.
Note: I have an idea here. -Prof. Wren
Input: The D20.
Setting: Coarse
Output: 80 regular 20-sided dies with numerals, sorted so that groups of 4 dice each all have 1 number on every side.
Note: Whoops. Should have known it might sort things a little too well. -Prof. Wren
Note: So that's what we are gonna do with it - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: Wait, can I have one of them, I have a pretty good idea - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Test 914-0564
Name: Junior Researcher Kenwol
Date: 12/04/2019
Total Items: 5 D20s with only 1 number (all sides the same number) Each die being 1-5, 5 D20s that always roll 20. Both from previous tests
Input: 1 D20 with only 1s, 1 D20 that only rolls 20s
Setting: Very fine
Output: A blob of plastic, that when dropped says "1"
That didn't work as expected, let's try a different setting - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Input: 1 D20 with only 2s, 1 D20 that only rolls 20s
Setting: 1:1
Output: A plastic note with the number 2 written on it.
Note: Seriously 914? I just want a dice that always rolls a specific number - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Input: 1 D20 with only 3s, 1 D20 that only rolls 20s
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 D20 that only rolls 3s A normal D20 the mass of 2
Note: Finally! Got what I wanted! - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: Turns out I'm just good at rolling 3s.. - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: I give up - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: Double-checked to verify it wasn't loaded. 5 rolls yielded a 7, 12, 19, 2, and 15 respectively. I think this thing's safe to go for game night, guys. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0565
Name: Researcher Z. Larua
Date: 13/04/2019
Total Items: 1 note, 1 pencil
I'm hoping I can get some insight into more direct and efficient testing if I can somehow determine what this machine has an affinity for. -Larua
Input: 1 note that reads "What do you desire, 914?", 1 pencil
Setting: 1:1
Output: A cognitohazardous note with "DARBY-CALLOWAY" burned into it. Upon viewing the paper, Researcher Larua began muttering "I must deliver them" continuously.
Incident Report: Researcher was then detained by faculty staff and escorted to the med-bay for amnestic administration. Prior to reaching the med-bay, Researcher Larua had escaped and was later found in Dr. Veritas' office. He was attempting to coerce the doctor, in a monotone voice, to redact his ruling to send Darby and Calloway to Antarctica.
Note: We've ascertained in the past that 914 isn't sentient, at least not as we understand it. Starting to wonder, then, if those two aren't anomalies themselves…given how many of Darby's experiments end in stuff going KABLOOEY I'd suggest Keter classification. -Prof. Wren
Note: I'm not giving either of them the satisfaction, Wren. The only two anomalous things are their stupid luck and my patience. -Veritas
Note: Fair enough, boss, but if they do another collab like this I'm evacuating the premises and would suggest everyone else do their best to keep up! -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0566
Name: Prof. Wren, accompanied by D-4884
Date: 13/04/2019
Total Items: One CD ("Queen: Greatest Hits")
Note: Sacrilegious, I know, but CDs are on their way out anyway, and this copy's scratched badly enough that "Bicycle Race" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" don't even play, so what good is it really? As for the D-Class…I plan on using Very Fine today, so I'm taking precautions. -Prof. Wren
Input: The "Queen: Greatest Hits" CD
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A new CD, "Muhammad Ali's Greatest Hits," showing a green silhouette of the legendary boxer against a yellow background on the cover art. No tracklist supplied.
Note: D-4884 was supplied with headphones and a CD player, and instructed to listen to the album. D-4884 described it as an announcer detailing a match between Ali and George Foreman, shortly after which his body jerked violently as if struck by a hard punch. This continued for nearly █ minutes before D-4884 was terminated by a violent twist of the head focused at the jaw, breaking his neck. Analysis of the placement and timing of the perceived blows coincided with footage of the "Rumble in the Jungle" match between the two aforementioned boxers in 1974. The album is being transferred to anomalous object storage.
Note: "Greatest Hits" indeed. Ouch. Stuff like this is why we should tread cautiously with the Very Fine setting, guys. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0567
Name: Researcher Luke
Date: 13/04/2019
Total Items: Four MasterCards, each with a balance of $100 USD.
Input: One MasterCard.
Setting: Coarse
Output: One Younique credit card. Value of the card essentially worthless.
Note: I was allowed to cash in the $2 on the card. I got two candy bars if anybody is wondering. -R. Luke
Input: One MasterCard.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One VisaCard with a balance of 88,68€.
Input: One MasterCard.
Setting: Fine
Output: The card appears unchanged. When used, it seemingly pays with money from random person's bank accounts, even if they don't own a credit card.
Input: One MasterCard.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The card appears unchanged. When picked up by Researcher Luke, it began materializing money in the output-booth. During the process, a sudden drop in Researcher Like's bank account balance was noticed and is proportional to the money created by the object. Anomalous activities ceased when the object was dropped. The object was moved to anomalous objects-storage and the money was returned to Researcher Luke.
Note: Oh boy, one day this thing's gonna ruin my existence. -R. Luke
Test 914-0568
Name: Prof. Wren & D-08-G64
Date: 13/04/2019
Total Items: One gallon of unleaded fuel in a jerry can, 1 Vespa moped.
Input: The gas can.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 gas can.
Note: D-class instructed to fill the moped with the resultant fuel and start the engine. The engine started with no issue. Further testing found the fuel had a 1500% efficiency increase for a span of 10 minutes before the test was ended.
Note: Well that was a lot less exciting than I expected. -Prof. Wren
Note: The moped was found to have transformed in storage 3 hours later, now sporting a 1800cc engine. Top speed determined to be 270kph before the engine suffered catastrophic failure; it was determined the engine merely stretched to its new size, making vital components thinner and weaker.
Note: Dang. Bet that thing would have been a blast to drive. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0569
Name: Researcher Lombardi
Date: 13/04/2019
Total items: Two steel horseshoes, one winning scratch lottery ticket, one ceramic Maneki-Neko statue
Note: Just got released from medical observation. I got to experience the joy of being trampled by what felt like every damn skip in this facility. I was on my way to the testing chamber yesterday when apparently they all managed to breach containment at the same time. Hurts like hell but just a few broken ribs, thankfully. This whole turn of events has got me thinking about luck - was it bad luck getting trampled or good luck surviving? Can 914 produce something that would alter it? Even the smallest nudge might be able to start a virtuous cycle in terms of its output. - Lombardi
Input: One steel horseshoe
Setting: 1:1
Output: One steel tennis shoe
Note: That would make for an interesting piece of art. The tricky thing here is the more overt 'lucky' objects like four-leaf clovers or a rabbit's foot are biological. - Lombardi
Input: One horseshoe, one winning scratch lottery ticket, one ceramic Maneki-Neko statue
Setting: Fine
Output: One steel four-leaf clover. Each leaf of the clover is inset with a ceramic plate with paper ornamentation.
Input: Output of the previous test
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A 500 ml syringe. The plunger and needle are made of steel while the body is made of translucent ceramics. On the side of the syringe is a control panel consisting of a steel switch and a paper label. The switch has two settings - red and green. When used on a living being, the syringe will extract some amount of an unknown liquid matching the selected color. The liquid evaporates instantly when exposed to air. True functionality of this object is not yet understood but is suspected to be used for extracting and injecting 'luck' between living beings. SCP classification is underway.
Note: The size of this needle is extremely intimidating. Almost all the D-class we've tested it on so far have fainted just looking at it. The working theory is that the red setting is for extracting bad luck, and the green setting is for good luck - based on the fact that D's have plenty of red, and very little green. We're still determining a safe way to test this - concentrating a bunch of bad luck or good luck in a D-class seems like a containment breach waiting to happen. - Lombardi
Note: The sheer volume of potential tests that I've started to brainstorm after reading about that syringe is going to keep me up all night. I should really not think about trying to refine physical 'luck' even further using 914 or trying to use an insanely lucky person to operate 914. Nothing good can come of that, except whatever happens to said person. Wait… can there be such a thing as a luck overdose? Questions for later… -Larua
Test 914-0570
Name: Researcher Z. Larua
Date: 13/04/2019
Total Items: 1 note, 1 pencil
Note: I was going to test to see what this machine had an affinity for, but I was informed I already performed it. Dr. Veritas also told me not to do it again. Sternly. So instead of the prior test, let's examine what this machine is incompatible with. -Larua
Input: 1 note that reads "What do you wish to avoid, 914?", 1 pencil
Setting: 1:1
Output: A pencil that is completely worn all the way down to the eraser head, and one note that seems to be completely coated in graphite. Upon closer inspection with a microscope, the paper has the phrase "17 Again" written continuously from corner to corner on the front and back. When viewed at a certain angle in light, the shading on the graphite seems to display the name "NUKEA".
Note: I'm afraid to ask. -Larua
Note: Well, sorry. I have too many copies of 17 again. -Nukea
Test 914-0571
Name: Junior Researcher Kenwol
Date: 13/04/2019
Total items: 1 sharpie, 1 post-it note
Note: I've seen people basically communicating with this machine, so I thought I'd give it a try - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Input: 1 note that has written on it "What do you think of me?", 1 sharpie
Setting: 1:1
Output: A post-it note with a drawing of Junior Researcher Kenwol drawn on it, 1 sharpie
What. - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Test 914-0572
Name: Dr. Nukea
Date: 13/04/2019
Total items: Three copies of 17 again
Input: A copy of 17 again
Setting: 1:1
Output: Pokemon, the First Movie
Note: Oh I get it. Ash stays young. Clever. -Nukea
Input: A copy of 17 again
Setting: Fine
Output: A video game for the Nintendo Wii. The game is called “17 again” the game.
Note: Shovelware, as expected -Nukea
Input: A copy of 17 again
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A movie called “Hilarious Tests of 914 found on r/SCP.” The movie refers to the social media website Reddit. However, no instance of an r/SCP subreddit is known to exist.
Note: Weird, I found some of my tests on it. -Nukea.
Test 914-0573
Name: Probationary Researcher Darby
Date: 13/04/2019
Total Items: One Twenty-three page peace treaty covering any possible situation, One Pen
Note: Maybe 914 will accept this - Researcher Darby
Input: Above Mentioned
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Signed Peace Treaty
Note: Does this mean that 914 will stop trying to kill me? - Researcher Darby
Note: Researcher Darby was found nearly dead this morning after the Peace Treaty he signed transformed into a paper assassin and attempted to kill him. He was found by security personnel bleeding out, covered in papercuts, and suffering from poison derived from the Ink. The assassin has not yet been found and guards equipped with water guns have been assigned to Researcher's Darby, Calloway, Nukea, Wren, Stan, Lombardi and any other Researcher that has had negative interactions with 914 within the past 6 months. - Security Chief Brandt
Note: My porcelain cat mug got it. I think it rolled over spilling the tea I had in it and then shredded it with its claws. I found the paper assassin's head and torso struggling to get out of the cat mug's mouth. I was going to rip it up and incinerate it but the cat ate it. If it weren't for the fact that that cat has shown nothing but kindness towards people, I would get rid of it. -Intern Lunar
Test 914-0574
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 13/04/2019
Total Items: Five pump-pressurized water rifles.
Notes: Time to see if I'm on 914's hit list. -Prof. Wren
Input: All 5 rifles.
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 water cannon, equivalent in mass to the 5 rifles. Outfitted with a buttstock, a 24-liter water tank, and a barrel 3 inches in diameter. An anomalous property causes it to automatically pressurize its water tank when the trigger is held halfway down, to a maximum of 165psi after 4 seconds. At maximum pressure, the entire tank load is discharged in a single "Cannonball" shot clocked at up to 132km/h; upon impact, the "cannonball" explodes over a 6-meter radius. Nicknamed "H2O-9000" by Prof. Wren after the similarly-named weapon from the DOOM video game franchise.
Note: I'll take that as a no. Permission to keep this on my person until Darby's latest mistake is found, boss? -Prof. Wren
Note: The mug cat found it - Intern Lunar
Test 914-0575
Name: Junior Researcher Kenwol
Date: 14/04/2019
Total Items: 1 slip of paper
Input: 1 slip of paper with the words "Please don't assassinate me"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 slip of paper that reads "Who", that when read, every other word spoken or written, becomes "who"
Note: I who to who it who fine - Junior Who Kenwol
Note: Junior Researcher Kenwol was later found putting the paper in the incinerator, saying "Who"
Note: I don't… someone get the Site Psychiatrist of Amnestics specialist for Kenwol, he's doing… something he's not supposed to do. -Veritas
Test 914-0576
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 14/04/2019
Total Items: 1 paper, 1 pencil
Note: I'm back from my break, and am going to exercise much more caution when dealing with 914 now, seriously. - Dr. Piedmont
Input: 1 blank sheet of paper and a pencil
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A sheet of paper with the ten most recent 914 tests written on it in cursive handwriting. No changes to the results are present.
Note: Strange, usually this would be a prime opportunity for 914 to create some horrific cognitohazard. I'm considering myself lucky. - Dr. Piedmont
Note: "Going to exercise much more caution when dealing with 914 now, seriously" Puts paper and a pencil in 914 on very fine. Excuse me sir, but how does that work? -Intern Lunar
Note: Yeah, glad we don't have another paper assassin running around stabbing people with a pencil. -R. Luke
Test 914-0577
Name: Maintenance Technician Johnson
Date: 14/04/2019
Total Items: Three ordinary bricks, Three plastic turnips
Note: As I'm somehow still alive after that breach, I've decided to do a test with 914 to see if that will calm down my frazzled nerves. I admit to being a little confused as to why everything pretty much ignored me, as well as why I have a guard with a water gun following me around, but whatever.
Input: One brick, One plastic turnip
Setting: 1:1
Output: One brick turnip sculpture with green and white plastic leaves
Note: It's a bricky turnip. I was expecting a brick-shaped turnip and/or a turnip-shaped brick. I guess I kind of got both. - MT Johnson
Input: One brick, One plastic turnip
Setting: Fine
Output: One brick wrapped in a thin layer of plastic. Viewing the brick causes the viewer to contemplate the probable taste of the object
Note: There's no compulsion to actually try to take a bite out of it, per se, but it is weird to suddenly start wondering what it would taste like. - MT Johnson
Input: One brick, One plastic turnip
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One green plastic plant embedded in a "pot" made out of brick. The area directly around the plant has been seared black in place of soil, and the plant grows when any liquid form of plastic is poured on the "soil".
Note: It's a plastic turnip plant that wilts when you don't water it with plastic. I would recommend using polyurethane, as it's relatively inexpensive. - MT Johnson
Note: I've been busy lately repairing the messes that Calloway and Darby keep causing, but I'll try to get around to doing more tests, as the results are always interesting. - MT Johnson
Test 914-0578
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 14/04/2019
Total Items: One xylophone, One 5-piece set of tuning forks each tuned to 88.01 Hertz.
Note: It's been a while since I've done any tests involving acoustics. Figured it might help soothe the nerves after Darby's latest mess. Given this will be a Very Fine test I've advised the test area be cleared in case we wind up with some sort of musical scorpion kaiju. -Prof. Wren
Input: 1 xylophone, 5 tuning forks.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A "tree" of 5 metal rings, measuring 0.33m-1m in diameter, with 12 pieces of wood of varying lengths connected along the edge pointing towards, and connecting the rings so, the center shaft. Touching a piece of wood produces 1 of 60 distinct, ethereal tones for as long as it is touched. No other anomalous properties found.
Note: This is….wow. This is beautiful. Can you guys give me a few minutes with this, please? -Prof. Wren
Note: After practicing with the instrument for approximately 12 minutes, Prof. Wren went on to play a cover of Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" and Sting's "Desert Rose" on it. Audio recordings have been made available for site personnel.
Test 914-0579
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 14/04/2019
Total Items: One 24-inch LCD TV, connected to a VHS player and battery. Player contains a VHS tape of a ten-year-old football game.
Note: Found an old VHS player and high school football tape in my attic. I don't recognize the school at all and the announcer was obnoxiously loud. Decided to plug it into a TV and send it through. Also, I wasn't the only one seeing the guards holding water guns yesterday, was I? -Stan
Input: Above items
Setting: Fine
Output: TV, VHS player, and battery were unchanged. Program playing on the tape is a golf game that doesn't appear to have ever happened. The football announcer provided commentary throughout the game in a loud voice.
Note: I'm not sure if it was the announcer or the gameplay, but that was a really intense game of golf. Put the tape in the breakroom if someone ever feels the need to watch intense golf. On a side note, five bucks says that Lunar's cat mug ends up spilling tea on his computer. -Jr. Researcher Stan
Note: 10 that it doesn't - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: 20 Kuwaiti dinars (65.779 USD) that it does. And if it doesn't, Stan, I'll pay for your lunch for the rest of the week. -Dr. Cleveland
Test 914-0580
Name: Janitor Svede
Date: 14/04/2019
Total Items: 1 Mug Cat
Note: This Cat spilled my water all across the mess hall, Ashes to Ashes and all that - Janitor Svede
Input: 1 Mug Cat
Setting: Rough
Output: 1 Mug Cat, unchanged
Note: WHAT? Is it not supposed to destroy things on Rough? - Janitor Svede
Tests 2-68 Removed for Brevity
Note: Maybe if I try on another setting it will work - Janitor Svede
Input: 1 Mug Cat
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 Mug Cat, patterned differently from input
Note: Janitor Svede was found crying in a corner moaning about "Mug Cats" and "The Gears were laughing at me". He has been sent to psychological counseling and reassigned to a different section of the facility. - Site Director Hackett
Note: I oversee a testing department consisting of blubbering petty children and clumsy disasters in the shape of research personnel. I don't get paid enough for this crap. -Veritas
Note: You get paid plenty, Lucius. Plus, I let you yell at them all you want. You can't buy that kind of stress reliever. - Site Director Hackett
Note: Touche. - Veritas
Note: Don't steal my mug cat, please. Its claws are comparable to ceramic knives. I've lost several mouse pads to its claws. Also, don't cry over spilt liquids. -Inter Lunar
The following experiment was not authorized. Dr. Malachite was in psychiatric care prior to escaping 26 hours ago.
Test 914-0581
Name: Dr. Malachite, D-1714-A6
Date: 14/04/2019
Total Items: One quart refined gasoline from a previous experiment, 1 bottle of sriracha, 1 blowtorch.
Input: Gasoline, sriracha, blowtorch, Dr. Malachite.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Dr. Malachite, now made of pure combustion and roughly 2.5 meters tall.
Note: D-class terminated by Dr. Malachite via incineration. Dr. Malachite went on a 4-minute monologue about "cleansing the Earth in holy fire" before being terminated by Security Officer Deegan via the "H2O-9000" from one of Prof. Wren's earlier tests; a single "cannon blast" from it fully extinguished the doctor, leaving only a pair of smoldering skeletons. No damage to 914 reported. Security Officer Deegan treated for minor injuries after being propelled into a wall by the recoil of the water cannon.
Note: Yowza…and to think I was planning on shooting Darby with that thing when he got back. -Prof. Wren
Note: Remind me to give you and Deegan a raise when I renew your contracts. -Veritas
Test 914-0582
Name: Dr. Cleveland, D-1618
Date: 15/04/2019
Total Items: One photo of Soviet Chairman Andrei Gromyko (dated 1972), documents pertaining to Dr. Alto Clef (dated 2001), one generic 4GB USB containing security footage of SCP-914 from 1st to 7th January 2019
Input: Security footage
Setting: Fine
Output: One SanDisk 8GB USB containing a copy of The Empire Strikes Back. Viewing showed that all actors are replaced by people who were present in the original tape that day, even if only briefly so.
Notably, deceased personnel Junior Researcher Altdamm and the entity resembling Girls Frontline character Grizzly MkV played the parts of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker respectively; while Dr. Cleveland, Junior Researcher Stan, Researcher Reis, and Dr. Veritas played the parts for Lando Calrissian, Han Solo, Leia Organa, and Yoda respectively.
Several scenes were also altered, including the "Luke, I am your father" scene, where the entity ("Luke") shot Researcher Altdamm ("Vader") before letting itself fall into the Millennium Falcon.
When interviewed, no personnel had any recollection of being in the film. The item has no anomalous effects and has been placed in the break room.
Note: To see Altdamm shout "No, I am your commander" at Grizzly feels oddly satisfying… Also, Dr. Nukea, any plans for a film night whatsoever? - Cleveland
Note: Outside of my testing area, you discuss this. -Veritas
Note: Who am I in the film? Someone good who doesn't die? - Researcher Darby
Note: I will never forget the fact that 914 thought me fit to be Han Solo. I'm honored, even if I don't look like him. At all. - Stan
Note: Darby, apparently you are Boba Fett. And in case you're guessing, Site Director Hackett played Palpatine. Also, some of the names of the characters have changed to reflect their gender. In fact Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa had their first names reversed. I didn't notice that until the credits rolled. - Cleveland
Input: Photo of Andrei Gromyko, documents pertaining to Dr. Clef
Setting: Fine
Output: Two items:
1. Documents pertaining to Andrei Gromyko's tenure as Permanent Representative of the Soviet Union to the United Nations, with two handwritten words reading "Grim Grom". This item has no anomalous effects.
2. One photo of Dr. Clef, with his face unobstructed. When D-1618 retrieved this item, she immediately fell into a coma upon seeing Dr. Clef's face. When awoken, D-1618 could no longer recognize any faces except that of her own or of Dr. Clef. She has subsequently been diagnosed with prosopagnosia. This item has been labeled as a cognitohazard and has been placed into secure storage.
Note: Fortunately that wasn't me. I see why we needed bodyguards with water guns now. Alas, sorry, D-1618. -Cleveland
Test 914-0583
Name: Dr. Matism
Date: 15/04/2019
Total Items: 1 F-1 Hand grenade
Input: 1 F-1 Hand grenade
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 scale model of a Star Wars thermal detonator One functioning thermal detonator from Star Wars.
Note: Oh God no - Dr. Matism
Note: Matism, you still have to activate the thing to actually get it to go off. On a separate note, you're a complete idiot for even trying to use a hand grenade and lucky to be alive. Try that again and your testing privileges are out the window, provided you survive. -Veritas
Test 914-0584
Name: Dr. Matism
Date: 15/04/2019
Total Items: An Apple iPhone 8 installed only with the application Duolingo.
Note: I bet you know exactly what I'm going for
Input: Above
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One Apple iPhone XR installed with the application Duolingo. When opened, the application automatically creates a cognitohazardous symbol that causes the viewer to speak fluently in a language they are trying to learn for an unknown period of time3 hours.
Obs!: Jag tycker verkligen att det här kan vara användbart för oss - Läkare Matism
Note: We should give this thing to MTF's when they enter a foreign country - Dr. Matism
Note: How is it that I'm the intern, but I don't endanger the whole facility whenever I use this thing? -Intern Lunar
Note: I think 914 likes you - Dr. Matism
Test 914-0585
Name: Dr. Matism
Date: 15/04/2019
Items: 5 Popeye's biscuits
Note: I had leftovers
Input: 1 Popeye's biscuit
Setting: Rough
Output: Flour, sugar, and salt strewn about the output chamber
Input: 1 Popeye's biscuit
Setting: Coarse
Output: Dough consistent with the ingredients of a Popeye's biscuit.
Input: 1 Popeye's biscuit
Setting: 1:1
Output: One sponge
Note: Pretty much
Input: 1 Popeye's biscuit
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 biscuit, but unlike other Popeye's biscuits, it does not absorb moisture.
Input: 1 Popeye's biscuit
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 biscuit, but when ingested, progresses the consumer to late stages of dehydration.
Note: NEEEED WAAATEERRR - Dr. Matism
Note: We may need more water for the water cooler in the break room, there's hardly any left. - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0586
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 15/04/2019
Total Items: 5 flash drives containing every SCP document Dr. Piedmont has access to
Input: Aforementioned flash drive
Setting: Rough
Output: A flash drive containing a database where every SCP is either Researcher Darby or Researcher Calloway; however, SCP-048's entry is blank
Input: Flash drive containing SCPs
Setting: Coarse
Output: A flash drive containing information about every single SCP Dr. Piedmont has access to except they're all on one text file and there little to no spaces between SCP entries
Note: It hurts - Dr. Piedmont
Input: Flash drive containing SCPs
Setting: 1:1
Output: A flash drive containing information about SCPs that the foundation does not have in containment. The leading theory onto what these SCPs are is that they are SCPs from a different dimension.
Input: Flash drive containing SCPs
Setting: Fine
Output: A flash drive containing every SCP's information.
Note: Dr. Piedmont and any personnel that were in the testing chamber at that time were administered Class A amnestics shortly after the test was concluded.
Input: Flash drive containing SCPs
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A flash drive containing a database where every SCP is SCP-914 except for SCP-682, who has been replaced with Researcher Calloway and Researcher Darby. Every test log has been replaced with the 914 test logs except for the 682 termination logs, which have been replaced with every test from 914 where Darby or Calloway have been severely injured. SCP-914's actual entry has been severely edited to include either false or new information that is most likely false about SCP-914.
Note: That was…very interesting. Maybe I should test more with these. - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0587
Name: Researcher Z. Larua
Date: 15/04/2019
Total Items: 5 car batteries, 5 tire irons, 5 scalpels
Input: 1 battery, 1 tire iron, 1 scalpel
Setting: Rough
Output: Melted chunks of plastic and scraps of metal
Input: 1 battery, 1 tire iron, 1 scalpel
Setting: Coarse
Output: 1 plastic lead-lined bowl filled with battery acid. A stack of metal 'straw' with a needle hidden in it.
Input: 1 battery, 1 tire iron, 1 scalpel
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 car battery casing filled with Duracell AA batteries, jumper cables, and a skinning knife.
Input: 1 battery, 1 tire iron, 1 scalpel
Setting: Fine
Output: A car battery with a mechanical arm holding a scalpel attached to the top. There is a button on top of the arm that, when pressed, causes the arm to horizontally orient itself in the direction of the button press and perform a single stab. When multiple people press the button individually, the arm will 'queue' the inputs and attempt to stab in the directions of the order of inputs. Should at any point more than three people queue inputs or all participants press the button simultaneously, the arm will extend fully at its current position and begin rotating clockwise at ████ RPM for ██ seconds.
Note: Since the device was outfitted with a regular scalpel, I gave all testing D-Class stab-proof vests. I wasn't expecting a fan of death with that last experiment, however. The janitor and MTF supply officer were not happy with me. -Larua
Input: 1 battery, 1 tire iron, 1 scalpel
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A metallic telescopic baton with a button on the handle. When the button is pressed, the baton expands and becomes electrified. An anomalous magnetic field forms from the electricity that then creates a 'case' for a currently unknown corrosive substance to fill. This corrosive substance is emitted from small 'pores' on the baton and remains in place regardless of what the baton strikes. Striking a low-density object causes the baton to phase clean through it and cut it like a knife. Striking a high-density object causes the baton to bounce off and leave a small burn/melt mark. The baton can still be used against high-density objects by pressing it up against the object and maintaining contact. This will cause the baton to melt through the object continuously at a rate proportional to the density of said object. It is observed that no corrosive residue is created during contact with an object, and all of the corrosive substance is completely retracted into the device when the button is pressed again. Researching the substance at the moment is virtually impossible.
Note: It's a gross lightsaber. I'm getting alarmed at how readily 914 is producing deadly, accident-prone weaponry for us. The rate seems to be increasing. - Lombardi
Note: That or the collective IQ of all of us is decreasing. -Intern Lunar
Note: I think it "knows" something that we don't - Dr. Matism
Note: At least your actions haven't had casualties equal to the population of a small country - Researcher Darby
Note: Give it a few years, Darby. - Veritas
Test 914-0588
Name: Dr. Matism
Date: 15/04/2019
Items: One 8 meter strand of hempen rope.
Note: I'm going for an unbreakable rope
Input: The 8 meters of rope
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A hempen ambush noose. When approached by a human, it lunges at them in an attempt to wrap itself around its neck and strangle them.
Note: Dr. Matism has been hospitalized due to a ruptured airpipe. Object incinerated by orders of Facility Manager ███████.
Note: It's official, this skip doesn't like me - Dr. Matism
Note: Your power of deduction is shocking. - Veritas
Test 914-0589
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 15/04/2019
Total Items: One 8-meter strand of hempen rope, one katana.
Note: I'm testing Dr. Matism's hypothesis on his relationship with 914 while simultaneously seeing if using the same inputs with the same settings can yield different results. Textbook definition of insanity, I know, but what isn't with this thing? -Prof. Wren
Input: The rope.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A hempen chihuahua. The dog lunged at, and bit down on, Prof. Wren's ankle upon approach; it fell to the floor and went inert upon being slashed to pieces. Further testing revealed the rope no longer contained any anomalous properties. Rope incinerated as a precautionary measure.
Note: And that's what the katana was for. Not sure how this bodes with Dr. Matism's hypothesis, though. I mean, this wouldn't be the first time 914's attacked me (see footage of IKEA experiment for details… and laughs), but it could just be that 914 saw the same stuff as before and responded as if it were the same tester? Maybe 914 just doesn't like hemp? Either way, don't think I'm gonna be doing a three-peat of that experiment. -Prof. Wren
I [EXPLETIVE] hate chihuahuas. Soulless bastards - Dr. Matism
Note: If he can bring a Katana to work can I bring weapons to defend myself? - Researcher Darby
Note: You're a walking disaster as it is, Darby. Wren didn't get his PhD slashing everything resembling danger up. You should be glad that Hackett took pity on you and you're not in Antarctica right now. - Veritas
Note: Perks of being on good terms with security, Darby, even if I did have to file some paperwork to get clearance for it…and agree to let them keep the H2O-9000. They'll probably get better use out of it anyway, especially for fire control situations. EDIT: By the way… "He?" "His?" I would have thought the C-cups were a giveaway. Ah well. -Prof. Wren
Note: Umm, Now that explains a lot - Researcher Darby
Test 914-0590
Name: Researcher Z. Larua
Date: 15/04/2019
Total Items: 5 pairs of ice skates
Input: 1 pair of ice skates
Setting: Rough
Output: Scraps of leather, metal, and plastic
Input: 1 pair of ice skates
Setting: Coarse
Output: Strips of leather and plastic. The skate blades have been split vertically into paper-thin sheets of metal that retains the original shape.
Input: 1 pair of ice skates
Setting: 1:1
Output: A pair of ice skate boots, but the skate blades have been replaced with mini-skis.
Input: 1 pair of ice skates
Setting: Fine
Output: A pair of speed skates (ice skates with longer, thinner blades). When worn by a human, the skates produce an anomalous effect where the blades are completely immune to friction. This allows the wearer to 'skate' on almost any kind of floor. However, due to the skates themselves being immune to friction, the wearer must use outside force (pushing on a wall, being pushed, etc.) to start movement. The wearer must also stop themselves using similar methods. Any action that disconnects the skates from the ground will also dissipate all momentum, such as jumping or falling. Attempting to brake using the skates will result in the skates continuing movement in the direction of the wearer's turned feet.
Note: As hilarious as it is to watch a D-Class get rag-dolled into a wall trying to brake, I see plenty of research that can be done on such an object. -Larua
Input: 1 pair of ice skates
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A single elongated rod of metal, roughly 1 meter in length and 1 inch in diameter. The rod itself is completely anomalous in the fact that it is entirely immune to friction as if it was in a vacuum. Only when something biological touches the rod, will friction function normally. Once someone lets go of the rod, it will stay perfectly still in the exact position that it was released, even in the air. Should it be spun while released, the rod will remain spinning mid-air until another biological being touches it.
Note: Did 914 just produce an object that is capable of perpetual motion? If this is indeed the case, this object could revolutionize energy based science on a global scale! Now if only we were capable of replicating……damn it. That's not going to happen ever. Regardless, I'd like to request permission to begin a research project for potential application of this object into this Site's energy structure. This should improve our base, or at very least, provide some form of backup power should the output be negligible. -Larua
Note: You know the drill, Larua. Keep it, but if it explodes or happens to accelerate the heat death of the universe, it's your ass on the line, not mine. - Veritas
Test 914-0591
Note: Hi, I’m new here! -Researcher Cho
Name: Researcher Jane Cho
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: 1 metal keychain in the shape of the Eiffel Tower
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Fine
Output: A round metal disk with a button in its center. When pressed by a subject, a real-time view of Paris from above the Eiffel Tower will be projected onto their retina, similar to a virtual reality console.
Note: What the [EXPLETIVE]!? Why is there smoke? Edit: Oh. -Researcher Cho
Test 914-0592
Name: Researcher Jane Cho
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: 1 metal keychain in the shape of the Empire State Building
Note: I’m doing this again.
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Fine
Output: A rectangular panel with multiple buttons. The buttons are apparently connected to the button panel of an elevator in the Empire State building, and function as a remote control for said elevator. The buttons are too small to be pressed with a finger and require a thin wire to operate.
Note: This is useless. -Researcher Cho
Test 914-0593
Name: Researcher Jane Cho
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: 6 rocks.
Input: 1 rock
Setting: Rough
Output: Dark-colored sand
Input: 1 rock
Setting: Coarse
Output: One pile each of every mineral that composed the original rock.
Input: 1 rock
Setting: Coarse
Output: A spherical mass of a pink-colored silver alloy, one quartz crystal (shape unaltered from original input), leather strips.
Input: 1 rock
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 rock of a different composition of minerals.
Input: 1 rock
Setting: Fine
Output: A spherical stone capable of movement. Stone is apparently attracted to Researcher Cho.
Note: It’s so cute! Can I keep it? -Cho
Input: 1 rock
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A non-euclidean rock. Disintegrated immediately after exiting chamber.
Note: Ok. -Cho
Note: In fairness, that could have gone much worse. Welcome to the team, by the way! -Prof. Wren
Test 914-0594
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: One printed copy of the four-part cannibalism and beheading fetish fiction series 新时代 (The New Era) by pixiv author 黎明时
Input: 新时代 · 镇南古迹 (The New Era: Relics of Zhennan, first novel in series)
Setting: 1:1
Output: A map of the People's Republic of China from the same universe as the novel, dated 2018, and at a 1:100000 scale.
Note: A modern China that doesn't control anything south of Wenzhou or Guilin, nor anything north of Hohhot? That's a first. - Cleveland
Input: 新时代 · 汉川往事 (The New Era: Hanchuan Old Times, second novel in series)
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A paper-mache 1:2 model of protagonist Pan Qu's head.
Note: Let's see what it does with the others. - Cleveland
Input: 新时代 · 颠峰宴 (The New Era: Climax Feast, third novel in series)
Setting: Fine
Output: A black-and-white painting of the scene where Bai Zihe was beheaded by her husband, Cao Zheng. Painting is in the style of Leonardo Da Vinci's The Last Supper.
Note: That's morbidly elegant. If anyone wants it feel free to ask. - Cleveland
Input: 新时代 · 星典 (The New Era: Chronicles of the Stars, fourth novel in series)
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A photo in which Gabrielle Guan (關曉彤/关晓彤, one of several real-life celebrities named in the novel; in reality, she is an actress as well) does the Roman Salute in the Tiananmen Square. The photo proceeded to make several shallow cuts on Dr. Cleveland's arms and neck before he was able to capture it. Dr. Cleveland has been sent to the medical bay for treatment of wounds, while the photo has been placed in secure storage.
Note: What? - Cleveland
Note: Once again, stuff like this is why you gotta be careful with the Very Fine setting, guys. -Prof. Wren
Note: Considering the context of the input i think that was one of the better outcomes. - Researcher Festiv
Test 914-0595
Name: Dr. Scarlett
Date: 16/04/2019
Total items: Assortment of pictures including Dr. Scarlett with Agent Montre.
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Rough
Output: Ripped up paper. There is also ink next to it.
Note: I just need to let him go. -Dr. Scarlett.
Input: Output of previous test
Setting: Very fine
Output: A piece of paper, same size as all the pictures, with ink that moves 1 centimeter every 5 minutes.
Note: It’s fun to look at. I’ll hang it up in the break room. -Dr. Scarlett
Note: I swear, if this turns into 096's face I'm going to sic the mug cat on you before I die. -Intern Lunar
Test 914-0596
Name: Junior Researcher Kenwol
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: 5 gallons of OxiClean, each in its original container
Trying to help the janitors - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Input: 5 gallons of OxiClean
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 5 gallons of a liquid called ''ExpliClean'', that when in contact with dirt, explodes immediately. While the explosion damages organic lifeforms, it cleans non-organic materials perfectly without damaging them.
Note: D-1874 lost an arm while attempting to clean the floor
Test 914-0597
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: 1 iPod Touch (2009 edition)
Note: Curious to see what 914 does with this. Worst case scenario I get rid of an old piece of… well, actually, I shouldn't say that. There's no telling what the worst case scenario here might be. -Prof. Wren
Input: The iPod Touch.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A metal plate with clear plastic coating, matching the size specs of the panel for 914's setting dial. The "settings" listed read "Smash to bits," "Disassemble and sort," "Swap with something else," "Imp█ovemen█s," and "Pl█y Go█ at █ou█ o█n p██il, m████a█." There are no holes for inserting a dial or otherwise connecting it to 914, making it useless as a replacement part.
Note: This actually seems like an accurate description of 914's settings. I think that last part reads "Play God at your own peril, mortal." I recommend keeping this as a training tool, Dr. Veritas. -Prof. Wren
Note: Sounds good. -Veritas
Test 914-0598
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: Two handwritten notes, two pens.
Note: Testing a theory similar to Dr. Matism and Prof. Wren's. Got the idea after reading through some of their logs, and noticing all of Researcher Darby and Calloway's experiments have progressively gotten more dangerous. - Dr. Piedmont
Input: One note with the words "The more that a person uses SCP-914, the more likely it is that the output of their experiment will be negative" written on it. One pen.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An edited note, on the back side it reads "X ⋅ Theta Prime - 914 = DR". A pen is laid on top of the note. Investigation into the significance and meaning of each symbol is ongoing
Note: I have to be onto something right? Or maybe 914 is just toying with me. I'm going to test it one more time - Dr. Piedmont
Input: One note with the same sentence written on it, one pen.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A piece of paper with the anomalous property of inflicting deep cuts on whoever comes into contact with it. Dr. Piedmont sustained heavy injuries upon picking the paper up, and was sent to the sites medical ward shortly after the test concluded.
Note: I'm going to research this in my own time, any discovery I make I'll share with other members of staff. - Dr. Piedmont
Note: After further investigation, the deep cuts aren't actually real. The output was a cognitohazard that makes anyone coming into contact with it think that they're injured. Incinerated. Piedmont is currently undergoing anti-memetic treatment. -Veritas
Test 914-0599
Name: Researcher Z. Larua
Date: 16/04/2019
Total Items: Ice skates
I honestly really want to see if I can get another one of those perpetual motion rods. -Larua
Input: One pair of ice skates
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A single rod of metal, about 1 meter in length and 0.5 meters in diameter. When a D-Class was sent in to retrieve the rod, a blast of steam shot out from all openings on their uniform the moment they touched the rod. Once the steam dissipated, all was that was left was a completely dehydrated corpse. It is assumed that D-Class expired instantly upon touching the rod. Hazard personnel were called to retrieve the rod. Upon examination, the metal was revealed to be pure potassium with anomalous properties. Any water that touches the metal, the water will instantly vaporize instead of the potassium reacting. Should any biological entity touch the rod, all water within them will instantly vaporize without causing any physical damage to the body.
Note: That went horribly…for that D-Class. This rod however will give me yet more interesting research to perform. I'm just happy that 914 didn't output some kind of other anomalous alkali metal that would've literally exploded in my face. I wonder how well this potassium rod would work against 682? -Larua
Note: DON'T. From what I can tell, we don't want a contact-killing 682 from that. -Intern Lunar
Note: Well, it already kills everything in its path - Dr. Matism
Note: I just realized that 682 is the SCP version of Kirby - Junior Researcher Kenwol
Note: A VERY ANGRY Kirby no less. -Intern Lunar
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"Experiment Log 914" by Dr Gears, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/experiment-log-914. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
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