Note to all Researchers:
Please include your name on all records, along with date and total number of items "refined".
Researchers are responsible for all "Output". Should damage or loss of life occur, the researcher will be subject to administrative review and possible disciplinary action.
Biological testing has been suspended. Any biological testing must be cleared by O5 Command.
Test Log Format:
All test logs should be written in this form.
Name:
Date: DD/MM/YYYY
Total Items:
Input:
Setting:
Output:
<- Notice: Continued from 03XX.
Test 914-0400
Name: Archivists Hansen and Morgan
Date: 08/02/2019
Total Items: One cupcake, one oversized bolt, and one handwritten note
Note: After spending the past several years cataloging the endless tidal wave of anomalous items produced by this thing, we thought it was time for an experiment of our own.
Input: One cupcake and one oversized bolt
Setting: 1:1
Output: One metal cupcake and one bolt made out of cake. Mass of the respective items exactly matched that of the input items.
Note: I don't know how it stretched the metal out to the size of the cupcake, but I expected nothing less from the machine that produced all that stuff. I love my job. - Archivist Hansen
Input: One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One paper with a big "NO" written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source
Note: To Site security: I would like to report that there is a mental breakdown in progress in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesicize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "I quit" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen
Note: I've seen 914 archivists melt down before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen
Test 914-0401
Name: Dr. Vand
Date: 08/02/2019
Total items: One red marker and a sticky note
Note: I wonder what he’ll write -Dr. Vand
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Fine
Output: A sticky note covered in red. There is also a dried up blue marker next to it.
Test 914-0402
Name: Dr. OT
Date: 08/02/2019
Total items: A small marble slab and a small marble chisel.
Input: Materials above.
Setting: Fine
Output: A small granite statuette of a cog and a small granite hammer.
Test 914-0403
Name: Nurse Staff Erik
Date: 08/02/2019
Total Items: Five new and boxed Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam"
Input: One Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam"
Setting: Rough
Output: One pile of ground plastic, corresponding to the material used on the model, one pile of components that correspond to those that are involved in the making of carton box
Input: One Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam"
Setting: Coarse
Output: One Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "NZ-666 Kshatriya", no model of this size has been produced by the company
Input: One Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam"
Setting: 1:1
Output: One fully assembled Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam", the sticker sheet is unused, the model present markings that seem to be molded in the plastic instead of paint
Input: One Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam"
Setting: Fine
Output: One fully assembled Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam", there's a switch on the back of the kit, when pressed produces sounds from that are from the series, no source of sound found
Input: One Master Grade Gundam Plastic Model "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One "RX-0 Unicorn Gundam", upon closer inspection, the model appears to be made of a metal aleation that is very closer to that described in the anime series, both in strength and durability,
a sample is send to the laboratories to try to recreate the alloy
Note: You can keep the unicorn, I want the damn Kshatriya! - Nurse Staff Erik
Test 914-0404
Name: Dr. Hadian
Date: 11/02/2019
Total Items: Three copies of an adult graphic novel, title [REDACTED]
Note: I know it's not professional, but frankly I'm surprised nobody's tried it yet.
Input: A copy of the aforementioned book
Setting: 1:1
Output: A book of diagrams indicating how to fill out an unidentified form, written in Japanese. Cursory translation suggests that the form is financial in nature, and references details such as the owner's age, date and location of birth, marital status, star sign, personality type, and various other personal details.
Input: A copy of the aforementioned book
Setting: Fine
Output: A catalog of land vehicles, food items, and firearms, arranged without a clear pattern.
Input: A copy of the aforementioned book
Setting: Fine
Output: A graphic novel in a similar style. Those handling it have reported an immediate spike in their libido upon picking it up.
Note: While that last outcome was more or less as anticipated, I have to wonder about the first two. Perhaps 914 is configuring them to the preferences of the operator? - Dr. Hadian
Note: Who the hell gets off on paying their taxes? - Researcher Jenkins
Test 914-0405
Name: Researcher Mi Sicx
Date: 11/02/2019
Total Items: One Warrant for Researcher I. Darby, 5 platoons of SCP-705
Input: One arrest order for Researcher I. Darby, 5 Platoon's of SCP-705
Setting: Fine
Output: 5 Platoon's of SCP-705 wearing thick paper SWAT armor, dyed black from printer ink.
SCP-705 disappeared during the confrontation of Researcher Mi Sicx and are presumed to be loose in the ventilation shafts. Robot sweepers are to be sent into ventilation to collect rogue SCP-705 Elements.
Note: What's the status of that background check? First police and now MI6 are attempting to arrest Researcher I. Darby, also bring him to my office when you are able - Chief Brandt to staff
Note: Created instances of SCP-705 have been destroyed and relevant members of MI6 have been administered amnestics. I have no idea who let them in but Director Hackett is absolutely furious and I advise the one responsible to stay far away from his office for a while. - Senior Security Officer Schwartz and Dr. Veritas
Test 914-0406
Name: Dr. Calloway
Date: 12/02/2019
Total Items: 1 copy of 'Battleblock theater'.
Input: 1 copy of 'Battleblock theater'.
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 plastic cube. The song 'It's a secret' from the game 'Battleblock theater' appears to be playing anomalously from the cube, with no end.
Note: Someone make it stop. -Dr. Calloway
Test 914-0407
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 12/02/2019
Total Items: One periodic table, dated 1977, and published in the Soviet Union
Input: Periodic table
Setting: 1:1
Output: A copy of The New York Times article "We Now Know that He Was a Giant Among Men", written by Harry Schwartz in 1971. The article shows considerable wearing, consistent with a document from the 1970s.
Note: Yeah, even 914 doesn't like Brezhnev. -Cleveland
Test 914-0408
Name: Biologist Brandt
Date: 12/02/2019
Total Items: One Zodiac inflatable
Input: One Zodiac inflatable
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A miniature modern battle cruiser made out of the hard plastic of the zodiac, where the ship's name would be is a plate reading "SPC-914". Fully armed complete with apparently RC ASW helicopters and guided missiles, interior has space for one person crawling with little extra room.
First, how did he fit that zodiac in the input booth, I was told he brought it in fully inflated. Second, how do we get this thing unstuck from the output booth? Its bigger than the doorway is, if all else fails we better call in the demolition crew to hopefully take it apart in a way that can be repaired. - Chief Arleigh Burge
Note: You're not coming within 10 meters of the machine, Burge, and neither does Brandt after this. - Veritas
Test 914-0409
Name: D-92627
Date: 12/02/2019
Total Items: One toothbrush shiv
Note: This incident occurred as a part of a minor outbreak attempt that was neutralised quickly after. The item meant for testing was not used.
Input: Toothbrush shiv
Setting: 1:1
Output: A slightly shorter unsharpened toothbrush.
Note: Class-D was terminated before 914 finished on the grounds that he was trying to make a stronger weapon. Luckily, he didn't know how 914 worked so we don't have a flying toothbrush shiv.
Test 914-0410
Name: Researcher Westrin
Date: 12/02/2019
Total Items: One experimental custom camera, capable of recording in high quality despite being severely damaged, connected to a monitor
Input: One experimental custom camera
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Three miniature Canon PowerShot SX420 IS HD 20MP Wi-Fi Digital Cameras.
Experimental Camera Footage
00:01: SCP-914's door closes, and the camera is inserted into an opening in the side of the machine.
00:07: The camera enters a series of spinning gears, severely damaging the camera. The camera continues to be functional.
00:12: The camera exits the enclosed space and falls into a contraption similar in appearance to a conveyor belt, built entirely in pulleys and gears.
00:15: The inside of SCP-914 is noted to be larger than its outside, as the conveyor belt is surrounded by a large amount of empty space, which is filled with [REDACTED]. Four towers, estimated to be several kilometers high, are seen in the distance. Further examination reveals these towers to be entirely constructed out of [REDACTED] and other unknown materials.
00:16: Several machines extend from the fog and begin to [REDACTED], changing the camera's shape. Before connection is cut, footage of a humanoid entity is seen behind one of the machines. Further examination reveals this to be [DATA EXPUNGED]. The subject's lower body is missing, the subject's torso is suspended within the air, and their spine extends down below the conveyor belt, with the spine having approximately 6000 vertebra.
00:19: A final machine extends from the fog and [REDACTED], causing the camera's connection to be severed.
Note: It is to be noted that the three cameras that SCP-914 spat out had a higher than baseline cognitohazardous residue corruption. The true contents of SCP-914 cannot be discerned. -Researcher Westrin.
Test 914-0411
Name: Dr. Nukea
Date: 15/02/2019
Total items: 3 copies of 17 again
Note: Don't mind me… - Dr. Nukea
Input: One copy of 17 again
Setting: 1:1
Output: A small floppy disk containing nothing. Nothing unusual noted.
Note: What the fuck? -Dr. Nukea
Input: One copy of 17 again
Setting: Fine
Output: A copy of "Cars 4" for the PS1. No such game or film was ever made.
Note: Upon playing the game, disc was transmutated into a copy of "Bubsy 3D."
Fuck you. -Dr. Nukea
Input: One copy of 17 again
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A copy of 17 again that has all characters replaced with SCP 173, and there is no audio present. The end credits are also written in an unknown language.
Test 914-0412
Name: Dr. Nukea
Date: 15/02/2019
Total items: One copy of "Bubsy 3d" for the PS1
Input: See above.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A flash drive containing "Bubsy 3d Visits the James Turrell Retrospective."
Test 914-0413
Name: Dr. Playford
Date: 15/02/2019
Total Items: One pair of Dr. Martens boots, two 2-button 1995 ball computer mice
Note: Some of my old stuff. – Dr. Playford
Input: One pair of Dr. Martens boots
Setting: 1:1
Output: One 8” tire for a motorized vehicle, the rubber forming the outer layer, leather forming the inner layer and reinforced with a steel wire mesh. All manufacturer markings are absent except for a logo depicting a stylized marten.
Note: If anyone has a moped to test this thing, let me know – Dr. Playford
Input: One computer mouse
Setting: Fine
Output: A ball computer mouse resembling a stylized mouse, uses its ball to move away from anyone approaching but does not appear to be sentient in any way, when plugged into a compatible device it ceases all movement and functions as a normal mouse.
Note: Its top speed is 0.2m/s so it’s fairly easy to catch, not at all ergonomic. – Dr. Playford
Input: One computer mouse
Setting: Fine Very Fine
Output: A ball computer mouse, all manufacturers markings are absent and aside from the buttons it has no seams. When plugged into a compatible device it functions normally, is notably more accurate than comparable ball mice from the same era and removes all forms of mouse acceleration.
It also overrides and assumes control of all mouse pointers in a 20 50 100m radius.
Note: I would like to apologize to all staff members whose work was interrupted between 12:00 and 13:00 before that last bit was discovered, the mouse has been incinerated – Dr. Playford
Note: The closest on-site infirmary was 125 meters away. Don't know how that would've ended, probably medical file deletion? Either way, I'm surprised this came from a "Fine" input. - Dr. Range
Note: Correct, was supposed to be "Very Fine," fixed. – Dr. Playford
Test 914-0414
Name: Dr. Thompson
Date: 16/02/2019
Total Items: The compilation game Mother 1 and 2 for the game boy
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: 1:1
Output: The game Mother 3. It has been translated into English.
Test 914-0415
Name: Dr. Tsubasa
Date: 15/02/2019
Total Items: One can of Pepsi, one can of Arizona, and one can of Sprite
Input: One can of Pepsi
Setting: Fine
Output: One can of Coke.
…sure… -Dr. Tsubasa
Input: One can of Arizona (ginseng flavor)
Setting: Fine
Output: One miniature bust with the exact same mass as the can of Arizona.
Input: One can of Sprite
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A can of [REDACTED]. Liquid has extreme cognitohazardous properties and is awaiting SCP classification. Caused Dr. Tsubasa's stomach to fill with an abnormal amount of Sprite, replacing all acid in his stomach.
Test 914-0416
Name: Dr. Num
Date: 15/02/2019
Total Items: Two printer copies of the Code of Hammurabi, one copy of the original Spyro.
Input: One copy of the Code of Hammurabi
Setting: 1:1
Output: A printer copy of the American Amendments.
Input: One copy of the Code of Hammurabi
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An unknown law script for a nation called the "4th Reich" written in an unknown German code.
Note: Look into this. Try to decode it so we know whatever the hell the nation's beliefs are. - Dr. Num
Test 914-0417
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 16/02/2019
Total Items: Two maps of Russian Federal Subjects
Input: One physical map of the Komi Republic (Russian: Респу́блика Ко́ми; Komi: Коми Республика), 1:500000 size.
Setting: Fine
Output: A satellite map of the Usinsk Urban Okrug, 1:50000 size. Notably, there is a sarcophagus, similar to that seen in Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant, covering [DATA CORRUPTED].
Note: I would like to be administered with Class-A amnestics immediately before I continue with the experiments. -Cleveland.
Input: One administrative map of Novosibirsk Oblast (Russian: Новосиби́рская о́бласть), 1:100000 size.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: No change in initial appearance. However, once swiped by a hand, the location would shift with respect to the motion of the hand. All de facto administrative divisions, correct as of the present, up to the fourth-tier, as well as rivers, can be seen on the map. However, the map ratio is always strictly 1:100000 regardless of position. No anomalous effects occur if the map is folded.
Note: When I shifted it to French Guiana, it apparently treated the French Region as an independent state, with its Arrondissements (3rd tier in France) and Communes (5th tier in France) treated as its first and second tier administrative regions. -Cleveland
Note: Right now, I've set the map to the area of Georgia, Abkhazia, both Ossetias, and that whatever Karachay-Cherkessia and Kabardino-Balkaria that is. It's in the break room for those of you wanting it. -Cleveland
Test 914-0418
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 17/02/2019
Total Items: One blank testing form for SCP-914 experiments, small container of printer ink.
Note: Since 914 has been shown to utilize writing utensils and materials, I wanted to see what it would fill in. - Stan
Input: Testing form, printer ink
Setting: 1:1
Output: The output form was filled in with the proper documentation for the current experiment, including Jr. Researcher Stan's notes.
Note: Basically the output was what you just read and are currently reading. It's probably a paradox and most definitely scaring me. - Stan
Test 914-0419
Name: Dr. Clocks
Date: 18/02/2019
Total Items: Two Copies of the Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise BBC Collection
These better turn out good -Dr Clocks
Input: One copy of the Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise BBC Colletion
Setting: 1:1
Output: One set of DVDs titled ‘The Best of Tommy Cooper’.
Note: Nice. - Dr Clocks
Input: One copy of the Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise BBC Colletion
Setting: Fine
Output: No change except that Series 1 has all footage.
Test 914-0420
Name: Dr. Sheath
Date: 18/02/2019
Total Items: One copy of 17 again
Input: One copy of 17 again
Setting: 1:1
Output: A copy of 17 again in which all characters are played by actors resembling Dr. Nukea. 48 minutes in, a character enters the scene played by an actor resembling Dr. Sheath. All other characters immediately stopped their previous activity, before rushing to beat the character resembling Dr. Sheath to death. After two minutes, all characters returned to their previous positions and continued the scene as normal; after the camera cut, the body resembling Dr. Sheath was no longer present.
Note: And that's it for me, folks. See you all later, I'm never touching this movie again. Leave it to the experts, I guess. - Dr. Sheath
Test 914-0421
Name: Dr. Iunvey
Date: 18/02/2019
Total Items: One bowl of generic brand macaroni and cheese sauce.
Input: One bowl of generic brand macaroni and cheese sauce.
Setting: Fine
Output: One bowl of Fettuccine Alfredo. Bowl appears to be whispering "eat me."
Note: Very funny, 914. I'm lactose intolerant. - Dr. Iunvey
Test 914-0422
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 18/02/2019
Total Items: Personnel file of Dr. Jenkins, files pertaining to SCP-085
Input: All of the above
Setting: Very Fine
Output: What appears to be a script where Dr. Jenkins and Cassy introduces a number far larger than Graham's Number, expressed in Knuth's Up-Arrow Notation and Conway Chained Arrow Notation as (θ′↑↑↑↑θ′) → (θ′↑↑↑↑θ′) → (θ′↑↑↑↑θ′) → (θ′↑↑↑↑θ′) → (θ′↑↑↑↑θ′) → (θ′↑↑↑↑θ′). The number itself has a cognitohazardous effect that, if fully enumerated (which, given current technology, is impossible given the impossibility to calculate the full value of Graham's Number), will wipe out all life (up to and inclusive of SCP-682) in the universe. As the existence of θ′ itself has been contained, it is necessary for researchers to be notified of this derived number.
Note: By inserting files of a researcher and an SCP subject, I ended up with this cognitohazard of a number. To whoever is next, I have this warning: 914 is unpredictable. Don't mess it around. -Cleveland
Test 914-0423
Name: Dr. Illumia
Date: 18/02/2019
Total Items: A cheese sandwich containing two slices of white bread, two slices of sharp cheddar, and a single slice of muenster cheese.
Input: The aforementioned sandwich.
Setting: Fine
Output: A cheese sandwich containing two slices of whole wheat bread, two slices of sharpened cheddar, and a single slice of muenster cheese.
Note: Very tasty, although it did cut my tongue several times. - Illumia.
Test 914-0424
Name: Dr. Brill
Date: 18/02/2019
Total Items: One Prince Rupert's drop.
Input: One Prince Rupert's drop, as mentioned before.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One western honey bee (Apis mellifera) constructed completely out of glass. Object exploded into very fine particles after 13 seconds of sustained flight.
Note: Thank God nobody got hurt from any of the glass bits. This could have ended far worse. -Brill.
Test 914-0425
Name: Dr. Clocks
Date: 19/02/2019
Total Items: One letter addressed to Dr. Clocks about his promotion to Level 3 security clearance.
Input: All of the above.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One letter addressed to Dr. Clocks detailing his promotion to Level 5 security clearance, signed by the Administrator. The letter shows no sign of forgery either.
Note: Destroyed. Nice try though. - Veritas
Test 914-0426
Name: Dr. Kenua
Date: 20/02/2019
Total Items: Five vinyl copies of "Floral Shoppe" by Vektroid (AKA. Macintosh Plus)
Input: One copy of Floral Shoppe.
Setting: Rough
Output: One cassette labeled "The Warmup EP" by M.
Note: 914 has very good taste. Are we sure it isn't sentient? -Dr. Kenua
Input: One copy of Floral Shoppe.
Setting: Coarse
Output: A shattered vinyl of Floral Shoppe.
Input: One copy of Floral Shoppe.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One vinyl copy of Shader Complete by Vektroid.
Input: One copy of Floral Shoppe.
Setting: Fine
Output: One vinyl copy of Floral Shoppe. This vinyl has several anomalous properties, including: The run time on each side is 2 hours instead of 20 minutes, there are 13 bonus tracks on each side of the album; none of which are known to exist, and the vinyl will always play at 45 rpm.
Input: One copy of Floral Shoppe.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A pink and black checkered hovering sphere made of vinyl. The entirety of Vektroid's discography plays from the sphere, and the sphere seems to be sentient, and can communicate VIA a form of telepathy. The sphere also seems to be very fond of Dr. Kenua and is currently under evaluation for possible SCP classification.
Test 914-0427
Name: Dr. Wallace
Date: 19/02/2019
Total Items: Two terrestrial globes, both having all the countries of the world and major cities of each respective country.
Input: One terrestrial globe.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A globe of the moon, major craters are outlined.
Input: One terrestrial globe.
Setting: Fine
Output: A globe of an unknown exoplanet, no outlines or other information can be seen on the respective globe , upon physical contact, a voice is heard telling the individual: "RUN", "ESCAPE", "BE PREPARED", "YOU ARE OUR TARGET".
Note: Upon further testing on the globe, the voice appears to be male of nature, and only the individual making physical contact with the globe is able to hear the voice. Requesting permission for further testing on the globe. -Dr. Wallace
Test 914-0428
Name: Dr. Vand
Date: 05/09/2019
Total Items: A picture of Dr. Harvey the ll
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A picture of Dr. Ricardo pouncing at a photo. It is unknown what the photo inside of it is.
Note: And no, I don't know what the photo is. I don't even remember doing that. -Dr. Ricardo.
Test 914-0429
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 19/02/2019
Total Items: One squeezable plastic pouch of instant drink mix, fruit punch flavored
Input: Drink mix
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A similarly shaped pouch to the original. The label read "Bombastic Explosive Flavor!" with no nutrition information or ingredients.
Note: We've decided to test this in a reinforced chamber with a remote arm. I think you know why. -Stan
Results: A technician operated the remote arm from behind reinforced glass with Jr. Researcher Stan. The remote arm poured the mix into a glass of water. Drink mix was shown to be colored bright red. Upon fully diffusing into the water, it began to violently react and created a small explosion, destroying the glass and sending shards throughout the room. Remote arm and drink pouch were unharmed.
Note: I was expecting something more grenade-like, but it was awesome anyway. We got permission to break open to pouch over a 20-liter tub. -Stan
Results: Remote arm was used to crush the pouch, spilling most of its contents into the tub. After roughly five minutes, the water in the tub began to react, bubbling and spilling its contents, making loud gurgling noises. A loud bang is audible as the camera feed cuts out. Later inspection shows the camera was destroyed when a piece of the tub impacted it and broke it open, allowing water to damage the circuitry. The remote arm was also destroyed by a mixture of blunt force damage, shrapnel, and water.
Note: Anybody got some clean pants I can borrow? -Stan
Test 914-0430
Name: Sr. Researcher Calloway
Date: 20/02/2019
Total Items: 3 vials of aerosol amnestic solution.
Input: 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 vial of liquid. When identified, it was appeared to be the Y-909 compound, from SCP-[REDACTED]. Effect was drastically weaker.
Note: Interesting. Put this away for further use. -Researcher Calloway
Input: 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.
Setting: Coarse
Output: 1 vial of water, a small pile of powder, and [REDACTED].
Note: Yes, we all know how to make amnestics, 914. -Researcher Calloway
Input: 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.
Setting: Fine
Output: A colorless, odorless gas. Detection methods proved unable to detect the gas, so the chamber was declared empty, and several researchers, including Calloway, were affected. The gas proved to be anomalous, with the effect of making all subjects who inhale it speak and write backwards for an unknown length of time.
Note: .sruoh flah a dna eerht rof siht ekil kcuts neeb ev'I ,em pleh enoemoS -Researcher Calloway
Note: We're going to let him sit this one out for the duration of the effect to allow him to ponder the question: Is testing of mind-affecting substances through unpredictable anomalous objects a good idea? No one tell him the answer; he'll have to come up with it on his own. - Dr. Veritas.
Test 914-0431
Name: Dr. Tsubasa
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: One vial of Y-909.
Input: See above.
Setting: Fine
Output: [REDACTED]. Object seems to emit a pulse of an unknown energy that renders all who view it to immediately revert to a vegetable-like state. Object was terminated by several members of the amnestics division.
Note: Oh thank god I wasn't there to see it, I needed to take a [REDACTED]. -Dr. Tsubasa
Note: .sekatsim ym morf denrael evah dluohS -Sr. Researcher Calloway
Test 914-0432
Name: Dr. Clocks
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: Three copies of the Game & Watch game Ball.
Input: One copy of Ball.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of the Game & Watch game Judge.
Note: I've placed Judge inside the break room for anyone willing to beat me at it. -Dr Clocks
Input: One copy of Ball.
Setting: Fine
Output: An upgraded version of Ball. There is: improved graphics, smoother controls and a 2 player mode.
Input: One copy of Ball.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A red and silver tablet. The composition of the tablet appears to be made of an unknown material. When anyone comes into direct contact with the tablet the subject would have appeared to have mastered the art of juggling. When questioned, subjects will say that 'it just sorta happened overnight.'.
Test 914-0433
Name: Researcher Darby
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: One 2-Liter Tub of water (Labeled Di-Hydrogen Monoxide), One pamphlet describing the dangers of Di-hydrogen Monoxide;
Note: This test is to see if SCP-914 can fall for the same "Tricks" as we can - Darby
Input: One Di-Hydrogen Monoxide Pamphlet
Setting: Fine
Output: One Pamphlet describing the dangers of Pollution
Note: The Bucket of water was carried in a sealed container by four men in haz-mat suits as if it was an incredibly dangerous liquid - Darby
Input: One 2-Liter Tub of "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One 2-Liter Tub of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide
It did nothing? I was expecting it to super heat it or destroy it in some way, well, better deal with this water and dispose of it properly - Researcher Darby
Site-19 has been put into Quarantine until the "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" can be flushed out of the drainage system and affected areas. SCP-914 apparently turned the bucket of water into a bucket of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, this change was only detected when Researcher Darby was put into the medical bay approximately two hours after drinking from the bucket. All reported claims of Di-Hydrogen monoxide as stated by the pamphlet are revealed to be the case as reported by medical staffs examination of the researcher.
Note: Please, please, test everything that comes out of 914 if it looks unchanged. This was quite annoying to deal with. - Dr. Range - Site 19 Medical Department
Note: He actually drank from the ██████ bucket? I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when the idiot inevitably gets himself killed. - Dr. Veritas
Test 914-0434
Name: Jr. Researcher Gregorius
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: Five Foundation standard computer keyboards (wired, black plastic, US English labeling)
Input: One Foundation standard computer keyboard
Setting: 1:1
Output: One Foundation standard computer keyboard. Wired, white plastic, Russian labeling.
Note: Output confirmed to be identical to the keyboards used at Russian Foundation sites.
Input: One Foundation standard computer keyboard
Setting: 1:1
Output: A plastic device, 10 by 10 by 3 centimeters in size. The device connects to computers with a USB-A cable, and is recognized as an input device. The top of the device has two dials, a 6 cm by 6 cm dot matrix screen, and a number of buttons labelled ひ, カ, 漢, R, ゛, ゜,。 and 入. The device is capable of storing and displaying sequences of up to 16 symbols, inputting them into the computer (and clearing them from its memory) upon pressing the 入 button.
The device is identical to the input devices retrieved from universe 12N-U677-22F by SCP-507. This is a useful baseline. Now let's see what it improves!
Input: One Foundation standard computer keyboard
Setting: Fine
Output: One "digital accordion". The bellow is rubber, and the instrument has no acoustic components. There is a USB-B port on the left hand side.
Note: When connected to a computer, it functions as a MIDI input device. Item can be requested from Site-19 electronics storage.
Input: One Foundation standard computer keyboard
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One pair of gloves, one pair of contact lens, a pile of plastic and metal scraps, one USB dongle. When the contact lens and the gloves are worn, the user sees a virtual keyboard projected in front of them, just below the heels of their palm. Typing on this keyboard provides haptic feedback through the gloves. If the dongle is connected to a computer, the keyboard functions as a standard USB keyboard - additionally, it is capable of Bluetooth connection.
Note: Remanded to the reverse engineering division for potential future monetization. No, you can't have it. The Foundation has fairly strict policies regarding wireless input devices.
Input: One Foundation standard computer keyboard
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One plastic woodpecker figurine. When placed near a computer keyboard, it becomes animate and begins transcribing human speech above 5 decibels.
Note: Unfortunately, it makes a typo in every tenth word or so, making it nothing more than a novelty item. - Gregorius
Test 914-0435
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: One PM-06 Glauberyt SMG, one map of the Lesser Polish portion of Masovian Voivodeship
Input: One PM-06 Glauberyt SMG
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One intricate 1:8 model of the Girls Frontline character PM-06.
Note: What? I didn't know that this gun is related to that game… Never mind. Requesting permission to keep this figure once it passes mandatory testing by the memetics department. -Cleveland
Granted. -Site Command
Input: Aforementioned map
Setting: Fine
Output: A map of Lublin, showing its attractions. Notably, the map includes the anomalous theme park, SCP-1357.
Note: I will take that with a grain of salt. The map has a residue cognitohazardous corruption that is at least 14 times higher than average, and no less than 176 times as much as the previous output. -Cleveland
Test 914-0436
Name: Dr. Artium
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: One copy of the game "Team Fortress 2", One "Scout Picture", One aluminum can filled with drink mix
With multiple video game related tests conducted with 914 I thought that I would test results with this game due to the high number of random objects that appear in the game, this may help determine what 914 would determine as worthy of "fine" and "very fine". -Artium
Input: All of the above items
Setting: very fine
Output: One full can of "Bonk Atomic Punch". D-Class personnel performed a test to review if it had the same effect as in-game ''Atomic Punch''. After a single sip, D-41241-WA immediately grabbed their chest in pain and collapsed. On conduction of an autopsy medical staff confirmed the cause of death to be a heart attack, along with toxic amounts of plastic and wood pulp forming in the stomach and liver, presumably the remains of the game and the picture.
Note: It appears that the drinks total amount of sugar conformed to reality so instead of making a person able to move impossible speeds their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.
Test 914-0437
Name: Dr. Clocks
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: Three standard wrist watches belonging to Dr. Clocks.
Note: I paid good money for these. - Dr. Clocks
Input: One standard wrist watch
Setting: 1:1
Output: One standard wrist watch but of a different brand.
Note: I expected nothing else. - Dr. Clocks
Input: One standard wrist watch
Setting: Fine
Output: One intricate pocket watch. Pocket watch is also heavily resistant to breaking.
Note: Now I'm definitely keeping this. - Dr. Clocks
Input: One standard wrist watch
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One spherical object. When touched the object will appear to look like earth and float in the air. When touched once, the globe will zoom in where the subject pointed. When touched and held, the sphere will display a set of numbers. These numbers have been revealed to be describing the time it takes to get to the location the subject touched by walking.
Note: Definitely useful. - Dr. Clocks
Test 914-0438
Name: Dr. Harvey
Date: 21/02/2019
Total items: A copy of the expenses of the Foundation and a note saying “What’s your favorite color?”
Input: A copy of the expenses of the Foundation
Setting: 1:1
Output: A copy of the expenses of the Foundation, with some math corrected.
Input: A note saying “What’s your favorite color?”
Setting: Fine
Output: A green note saying “Yes.” It is written in blue.
Note: Green? Blue? Which one? Dr. Harvey
Test 914-0439
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 21/02/2019
Total Items: One box of various Nerf brand foam and rubber darts.
Input: Box of darts
Setting: Fine
Output: Pile of modified darts. The rubber tips appear to have been melted and hardened into slugs fitted into foam casings. The bottoms of the casings are designed to compress air going in and launch the slugs at high speed. The amount of rubber needed to create a slug that fit the casings appears to have been borrowed from other darts, as there were fewer output darts than input and a small pile of foam was found in the output chamber. Slugs cannot be refit into their respective casings after being fired.
Note: They fit into standard Nerf blasters and magazines, but there isn't any way to eject spent shells, meaning that you can only use one dart. They work best with the blasters that use revolving barrels to contain darts. Did I mention that they sting really bad? - Stan
Note: Nerf wars are prohibited on site grounds, no matter how "fun they are." - Dr. Veritas
Test 914-0440
Name: Researcher Carter W.
Date: 23/02/2019
Total Items: One CD containing The Beatles' "Here Comes The Sun"
Input: See Above
Setting: 1:1
Output: A plastic sculpture of a scarab beetle and a plate of aluminum, 1/4" thick, with a sun pattern engraved on it.
Note: Very funny, 914. -Carter
Test 914-0441
Name: Sr. Researcher Calloway
Date: 25/02/2019
Total Items: 1 Iron bar, 1 circle drawn on A4 paper.
Note: I've just gotten the ability of regular speech back, so I'm trying something slightly less risky. Let's see if 914 can inscribe something for us. -Sr. Researcher Calloway
Input: 1 iron bar, 1 circle drawn on A4 paper.
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 iron plate, with an anomalous symbol drawn on it. When viewed, it produces instant headaches, and forces all personnel to tell their view of the truth for an unknown period of time. The paper is suspected to be inside of the plate.
Note: Seriously?! Screw you, 914! I hate my job! As a [REDACTED], I should be offered more than this! Honestly, I work with [REDACTED], for crying out loud! This is ridicu- -Sr. Researcher Calloway
Note: Sr. Researcher Calloway was apprehended before he could inadvertently release any more confidential information in front of Class-D personnel. He will remain in a holding room until such a time as the anomaly wears off. He's also temporarily suspended for calling Dr. Veritas a despotic ██████████ and suggesting where he can put his security manual. - Sergeant Richard Hammer
Note: Classy. He's not wrong about the despotic part though. - Veritas
Test 914-0442
Name: Researcher I. Darby
Date: 25/02/2019
Total Items: 769,335 Individual plastic toy Soldiers
Been collecting them for years, now to put them towards a good cause
Input: 35,353 plastic toy Soldiers
Setting: 1:1
Output: 53,335 Smaller plastic toy Animals
Soldiers = Animals, wonder if 914 is trying to make a point
Input: 24,982 plastic toy Soldiers
Setting: Fine
Output: 6,245 plastic toy Tanks
Well, now I have 6 thousand more tanks, woopdiflippingdoo
Input: 700,000 plastic toy Soldiers
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 7 2 Meter tall plastic soldiers fully armed and equipped for battle. Exited output chamber upon finishing procedure and made their way to Researcher Darby and placed themselves into formation. They then proceeded to salute Researcher Darby calling him commander and requesting orders until they were disarmed by facility guards.
The Plastic soldiers have been contained for further study and possible exploitation for containment of SCP's. Researcher Darby has been put onto a class 3 Watch list and ordered to only use SCP-914 with direct supervision of security forces.
Test 914-0443
Name: Assistant Researcher N.C.E.
Date: 25/02/2019
Total Items: One metal bracelet, origins unknown at this time
Assistant Researcher N.C.E.s' left arm had been amputated.
Input: Aforementioned bracelet
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One small metal orb, roughly 2 cm in diameter, capable of flight and vocalization, entered a vent grate and disappeared. Has not been captured.
Security captured Assistant Researcher N.C.E. as he attempted to exit site [Redacted].
Anyone who sees the orb is to report it to security, and ignore anything it attempts to say regarding Dr. Beiderman. -Security Chief Ozark
Test 914-0444
Name: Researcher Carter
Date: 25/02/2019
Total Items: One cotton shirt with "Correspondence Sigils" from the browser game Fallen London.
Input: Shirt
Setting: Fine
Output: A lump of burning cotton, a small square of cotton with the sigil for "The altar stone of an abandoned temple" drawn on it in using the same material as used for the sigils on the original shirt. Aforementioned shirt and square of cotton. Surveillance records show that the shirt burst into flame 2.33 seconds after being dispensed. The sigil was copied from the cotton square onto a sheet of paper, which also caught fire. Square is currently contained in a fireproof box in an anamalous object ward.
Interesting. The sigils exhibited the same properties as they do in the game. If anyone copies the sigil down again, do it on metal. It doesn't burn as easily. -Carter
Test 914-0445
Name: Sr. Researcher Calloway
Date: 26/02/2019
Total Items: 1 apology note
Input: 1 apology note
Setting: 1:1
Output: A note with an anomalous symbol on it. The symbol can only be seen by Sr. Researcher Calloway. According to Calloway, it contained a cognitohazard that forces the person who sees it to defecate immediately.
Note: Calloway was detained after attempting to damage SCP-914. No harm was done, thankfully, and Calloway was confined to his office to clean up and cool off. Honestly, I don't blame the man. -Sergeant Richard Hammer
Test 914-0446
Name: Dr Clocks
Date: 27/02/2019
Total Items: 3 notes reading "[DATA EXPUNGED]".
Note: The notes have not been blocked. I've simply written what the report says. -Dr Clocks
Input: 1 note
Setting: 1:1
Output: A note reading, "████████████".
Note: This looks like a printer malfunction. -Dr Clocks
Input: 1 note
Setting: Fine
Output: A note reading, "[5/914 PERSONNEL ONLY]".
Note: These all seem the same. Let's hope Very Fine does anything. -Dr Clocks
Input: 1 note
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A sheet of paper, paper apparently details SCP-001.
Note: I know O5 would kill me if I say anything. If you need to find me, I'll be in the medical bay. -Dr Clocks
Note: Dr Clocks has successfully been administered amnestics and will come back in a few days. All traces of the SCP-001 file have been successfully wiped as well. -O5-█
Test 914-0447
Name: Junior Researcher Ernest Dike
Date: 27/02/2019
Total Items: 3 action figures of Marvel character "Deadpool". 1 note that reads "914, please animate these like you did with the toy soldiers"
Input: All above
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 severely deformed "action figure". Appears to be all three Deadpool figures melted together. Object was animate, but couldn't move too far due to the severity of the deformations. There was also a note reading "Here u go" in thin strips of melted plastic.
Note: Junior Researcher Earnest Dike, upon reading the note and seeing the object, picked both up and silently left. Security cams show he threw them into the on Site incinerator, ignoring everyone in his way until he was finished. - Sedna
Test 914-0448
Name: Dr. S Spoon
Date: 27/02/2019
Total Items: Every known DVD from Colin Baker's era in "Doctor Who".
Input: DVDs
Setting: 1:1
Output: The same DVDs but The Doctor's clothes, instead of appearing multi-coloured as in the original, appeared to have gained a blue hue.
Input: DVDs
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A Caucasian male closely resembling Colin Baker in the character of The Doctor strode in an elegant manner out of SCP-914 before proceeding to act out all the actions that their character took in the show. This didn't last long however as they were shot after attempting to suffocate Researcher [Redacted] and terminated during what can only be described as their "Regeneration".
Note: The DVDs that came out on 1:1 have been sent to a secure room in the Foundation for testing by D-Class personnel. The body of the man however has since been incinerated.
Test 914-0449
Name: Dr. Ricardo
Date: 28/02/2019
Total Items: 3 copies of the personnel file for Researcher Calloway
Note: I noticed 914's treatment of the man, and so I wanted to see if it had anything against him personally. -Dr. Ricardo
Input: Personnel file
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 piece of paper, with a 'poop emoji' drawn on it.
Note: That's just immature. -Dr. Ricardo
Input: Personnel file
Setting: Fine
Output: The personnel file for Dr. Veritas
Note: So is it saying that Calloway is an inferior version of Veritas, or is it just being insulting? -Dr. Ricardo
Input: Personnel file
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An origami model of Researcher Calloway. When stood on its feet, it walks in circles, while making repeated fart noises.
Test 914-0450
Name: Researcher Darby
Date: 28/02/2019
Total Items: One Calendar for the year 2019, Map of the world circa 2019, One Set of Handcuffs, One copy of the Voyager II disk, One 2 Terabyte Hard-drive
Input: One Calendar circa 2019
Setting: 1:1
Output: One Calendar circa 9102
Note: Well, now we know the day WW3 started, there's a memorial for it on [REDACTED] - Darby
Input: Map of the world circa 2019
Setting: Fine
Output: Paper Mache Nuclear mushroom
Note: That's worrying. - Darby
Input: Voyager II disk copy
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Unchanged Unknown
Note: Staff have no memory of taking disk out of output booth, but it cannot be found and several researchers are reporting symptoms similar to amnestic victims. - Darby
Input: One 2 Terabyte hard drive
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Unchanged Hard Drive now acts as a matter containment device, Device specifications (Storage: 500 Meters2) has been inscribed on packaging along with the Apple logo.
Note: Researcher Darby was absorbed through contact upon picking up device with bare hands. At this time Researcher Darby still has not been recovered though several attempts have been made and tests are ongoing
Note: If he doesn't survive this time, let it be known that I called it. - Dr. Veritas
Test 914-0451
Name: Dr. S Spoonmaker
Date: 01/03/2019
Total Items: A copy of the novel "The War of The Worlds" by H G Wells
Input: The Novel
Setting: Fine
Output: A collage image of a Martian "Tripod" from ripped up segments from the novel, the background made from the pages of the book and the Tripod figure made from the front and back covers as well as the spine of the book. In the bottom left corner of the image is what is guessed as the signature of SCP-914.
Note: This seems pretty normal, maybe a different setting will produce something of a more anomalous nature. - Dr. Spoonmaker
Input: The Novel
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An approximately 24cm high Tripod figure made entirely out of the materials of the novel walked out of SCP-914's output area and proceeded to fire paper darts at anyone in its vicinity. Dr. Spoon and one other Researcher only received minor paper cuts before the paper tripod was shot by one of the guards present in the testing chamber; investigation on the remains of the Tripod revealed several intricate mechanisms which no-one in Site-█ knew what to make of.
Note: Research of the paper Tripod is ongoing, however it is likely to be dropped eventually but overall it was interesting to see how 914 reacted when processing the book. - Dr. Spoonmaker
Test 914-0452
Name: Dr. Breole
Date: 02/03/2019
Total Items: 4 hardcover books of the ''Homestuck'' series by Andrew Hussie. Books cover the webcomic from the beginning of Act 1 to the completion of Act 5 Act 1
Input: 4 aforementioned books
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 bucket comprised of paper and binder's board
Test 914-0453
Name: Dr. Talcite
Date: 03/03/2019
Total Items: A tube of Aveeno hand cream, half-used.
Input: The hand cream.
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 plastic jar of unidentified lotion. Dr. Talcite tried some of its content on her skin, and she described the feeling as “a sense of burning”. The content was later examined, and revealed to be pure glycerol.
Note: I won't try anything unidentified on my hand again. - Dr. Talcite
Note: Glad to see that university degree paying for itself, Talcite. - Veritas
Test 914-0454
Name: Researcher Calloway
Date: 04/03/2019
Total Items: 3 notes, all with different messages written on them.
Input: 1 note labeled, "I'm sorry for whatever I did."
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 note with a smiley face drawn on it.
Note: Finally! I might be able to stop this madness. -Researcher Calloway
Input: 1 note labeled, "What did I do?"
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 note with a frowning face drawn on it.
Note: Well, that's less than helpful. -Researcher Calloway
Input: 1 note labeled, "Can we be friends?"
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 note with a smiley face drawn on it.
Note: Yes, no, what is it?! -Researcher Calloway
Test 914-0455
Name: Researcher Darby
Date: 04/03/2019
Total Items: One Matter Containment device, .17m3 Steel, One blueprint of the human body, One thesis on Von Neumann probes.
Input: One Matter Containment device
Setting: Rough
Output: Shattered mass of wiring and metal
Note : Revenge? What is this concept revenge? I was just safely disposing of a device we have studied to completion and no longer require for examination.
Input: One blueprint of the human body
Setting: 1:1
Output: One blueprint of The Earth
Input: One Thesis on Von Neumann probes
Setting: Fine
Output: One Digital Copy on the Thesis made out of extremely compressed paper.
Note : Easy to store, but it still weighs the same as it did before so not quite as improved as it could be.
Input: .17m3 of Steel
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One Steel Human, Male, says his name is [REDACTED] and that he has no Idea how he got here. Subject is to be moved to Humanoid containment and if no further research is revealed, melted down for scrap.
Note : I was not expecting this, I was expecting at least 2 small robots that would duplicate themselves when provided material - Researcher Darby
Note : Researcher Darby seems to be a bad luck magnet, Site 19 has had a Containment breach after his research subject took the steel his walls were made of and made more of itself. They nearly got to the surface before someone Issued the HID's out and fry them. - Security Chief Brandt
Test 914-0456
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 04/03/2019
Total Items: One toy pistol resembling a Beretta M9. When the trigger is pulled, a bang plays from two speakers within the plastic shell.
Input: Toy pistol
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Plastic device bearing a similar shape to a handgun. The "gun" has modified speakers mounted on the front and a functioning trigger. See testing below.
Results: Device was given to a D-914-5 in a soundproof room and was instructed to aim it at a target 10 meters away and pull the trigger. D-914-5 is seen pulling the trigger before the camera feed cut out. The interior of the soundproof room had sustained major structural damage and D-914-5 appeared to have been crushed against the far wall by the percussive force. The device appears to have destroyed itself upon being fired.
Note: I felt that shockwave from the camera room in a whole other area of the site. When we got there, the D-class was a fine mist on the walls. - Stan
Test 914-0457
Name: Researcher Calloway
Date: 05/03/2019
Total Items: 1 USB drive containing an "Apology recording"
Input: 1 USB drive containing an "Apology recording"
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 USB drive, containing a copy of "Never gonna give you up" by Rick Astley
Test 914-0458
Name: Researcher Calloway
Date: 05/03/2019
Total Items: 1 grenade, pin pulled
Input: 1 grenade
Setting: 1:1
Output: A focused blast, directed at Researcher Calloway. No equipment was damaged, but Researcher Calloway suffered broken ribs, as well as severe blunt-force trauma.
Note: What are we going to do with the man? I mean, he's good at what he does, but this is serious. Try not to go too hard on him, he's a friend. -Dr. Ricardo
Note: Easy? Easy?! That maniac used military grade weaponry in my testing area on one of the most sensitive pieces of anomalous equipment we have! He should be happy that I don't feed him to [DATA EXPUNGED] - Veritas
Note: Alright people, carry on. I managed to calm Dr. Veritas down as best as I could, Director Hackett has been informed and lets Calloway get away with a temporary suspension and Veritas with a verbal warning. I speak for everyone when I say that I definitely don't want to see Veritas in this state again, so let's refrain from repeating this in the future. -Head of Security Schwartz.
The following test was preformed without direct permission from O5 Command.
Test 914-0459
Name: Researcher Syeda
Date: 06/03/2019
Total Items: N/A
Input: Researcher Syeda
Setting: Fine
Output: A humanoid entity that has properties similar to that of a puppet. The knees and elbows resemble round, bulbous spheroids constructed out of a flesh/[REDACTED] concentrate. The forearm is capable of moving around these bulbs using specific placement of cartilage and thigh tissue. The subject's mouth resembles that of a "nutcracker", capable of moving up and down when stimulus is applied to the subject's stomach area. A steady stream of saliva consistently exits this mouth. Before expiring, the subject vocalized "and all the players a stage" to 5 nearby security guards that were attempting to neutralize it.
I heard those words. I heard them clearly. I wasn't there, but I heard them. It looked like a puppet, because it was. I was in the other room, hearing the rusted gears of 914. I heard that thing. It has a point, you know? Me and my other coworkers agree. Syeda won't be forgotten. -Dr. Alex
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN AUTOMATICALLY SCANNED AND IS DEVOID OF MEMETIC HAZARDS.
Test 914-0460
Name: Junior Researcher Sycle
Date: 06/03/2019
Total Items: 1 ██████ brand bicycle helmet
Input: Helmet
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Visually unchanged bicycle helmet, with the exception of the brand name missing from back. When worn by a D-Class Personnel, the helmet appeared to release spikes into his head, causing excruciating pain. Subject did not expire, however. Attempts to remove the helmet showed that the subjects' head was completely immune to trauma. Subject was terminated and the helmet was retrieved. Placed in anomalous item storage.
Test 914-0461
Name: Dr. Terren
Date: 06/03/2019
Total items: A tomato (seeds removed)
Input: A tomato
Setting: Fine
Output: Slices of the tomato that resemble the number two, two boys, and two letter Os made out of a tomato. They were made of the tomato that was put inside it. The slices could be “put back together” to make the original tomato.
Note: Two mate os -Terren
Test 914-0462
Name: Jr. Researcher Stan
Date: 07/03/2019
Total Items: One 2 kg block of sculpting clay
Input: As stated above
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Beehive sculpted out of clay. When disturbed, several clay honeybees flew out of multiple hidden holes on the hive's surface. They appear to have been flying through anomalous means. The bees were unable to sting any of the personnel present due to the softness of their material, but they were able to fly into them at high speeds. This tactic would cause the bees to destroy themselves, but left large welts on the personnel's skin. The beehive was eventually destroyed by security. Analysis showed that the structure of the hive was a complex series of tunnels and empty honeycombs.
Note: It felt like I was playing naked paintball against a firing squad. - Stan
Test 914-0463
Name: Dr. Sheath
Date: 08/03/2019
Total Items: One piece of paper describing "all the reasons SCP-914 sucks" written in blue pen.
Input: One piece of paper, stated above.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A smaller, thicker piece of paper resembling a blue "reverse" card from the card game UNO.
Note: Oh, so that's what we're doing now? Gimme a minute, there should be a deck somewhere nearby… - Dr. Sheath
Input: One red "reverse" card.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One yellow "skip" card.
Input: One yellow "draw two" card.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One "wild card" card, with a marking on the green portion.
Input: One "draw four" card.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One "draw five" card appearing in the style of an Uno card. No such card is known to exist in any standard ruleset.
Note: Wha- that's it. I'm going all in. - Dr. Sheath
Input: Four "draw four" cards, the "draw five" from the previous output.
Setting: 1:1
Output: Five cards from the card game Yu-Gi-Oh!, each card making up part of "Exodia the forbidden one."
Note: …I give up. I just came to see 914 get offended, I never signed up for this. Man, I should've just kept the draw five… - Dr. Sheath
Test 914-0464
Name: Dr. Hallows
Date: 08/03/2019
Total Items: Three standard #2 pencils, one of which is unsharpened.
Input: One unsharpened pencil
Setting: Fine
Output: One sharpened pencil
Note: As expected. - Dr. Hallows
Input: One sharpened pencil
Setting: Coarse
Output: One sharpened pencil featuring the 'Power Rangers' on the sides. Writing quality appeared to be fine, however, the eraser just smudges the graphite and makes a mess.
Input: One sharpened pencil
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One pencil possessing a broken tip
Note: Of course. 914 knows the struggle. - Dr. Hallows
Test 914-0465
Name: Dr. Viridine
Date: 09/03/2019
Total Items: One Blu-ray copy of the full series of Twilight, one printed copy of the "My Immortal" fanfiction
Input: Blu-ray disk containing all Twilight movies.
Setting: Fine
Output: A blu-ray disk containing the entire Underworld series. Upon further examination, a note within the case of said disk reading "NO" was found, in the place of a printed digital download code.
Note: Me too, 914. Me too. -Dr. Viridine
Input: Printed copy of "My Immortal" fanfiction.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A hardcover copy of a book titled simply "HOW TO WRITE". Pages completely blank. Experimentation revealed that if a reader viewed each page within the book, they were suddenly compelled to write. Several D-Class subjects were instructed to read the book, and each produced within several hours a full draft of a fictional story with an incredibly detailed plot. Permission of further research on book and possible classification as an anomaly of its own requested.
Note: I think even 914 is disgusted by that fic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a completed manuscript to email to my publisher. -Dr. Viridine
Test 914-0466
Name: Dr. Leopold
Date: 17/03/2019
Total Items: 3 American flags attached to thin wooden poles, 1 American history textbook
Input: 1 American flag attached to a thin wooden pole
Setting: Coarse
Output: A Betsy Ross-styled American flag with the same dimensions of the previous flag with several small tears in it.
Input: 1 American flag attached to a thin wooden pole
Setting: Fine
Output: A map of the United States of America made from the cloth of the flag, and attached to an outer rim of wooden poles to hold it in place.
Input: 1 American flag attached to a thin wooden pole
Setting: 1:1
Output: A Confederate flag with the same dimensions of the previous flag.
Note: I'm not sure what 914 is trying to say here. Maybe we should brush it up on some American history. -Dr. Leopold
Input: 1 American history textbook
Setting: Fine
Output: A book on the topic of slavery, war, and violence throughout the world's history.
Note: Okay, I didn't think that 914 would bring up that kind of political history but here we are. -Dr. Leopold
Note: I don't actually think it intentionally brings this up. From my experience (which is substantial), it's not actually clear if 914 is sapient or that it's more like an A.I. that makes assumptions based on information given to it, without really understanding what it's saying on a conceptual level. Then again, it loves taking the piss out of Calloway, so who knows. - Veritas
Test 914-0467
Name: Dr. Matism
Date: 17/03/2019
Total Items: 3 Pictures of random cadavers.
Input: Picture of cadaver
Setting Coarse
Output: Picture of partially mutilated cadaver.
Input: Picture of cadaver
Setting 1:1
Output: Picture of dead primate of unknown genus.
Input: Picture of cadaver
Setting Very Fine
Output: Photograph of bodies floating in water SCP-2316.
Note: Mom? - Dr. Matism
Test 914-0468
Name: Dr. Amastov
Date: 18/03/2019
Total items: Four Apple-brand smartphones with a copy of SCP-1471 installed
Note: I've been issued for termination, under exposure to memetic hazards that will end me in a couple of years, in a much messier way. My life is forfeit anyway, so I asked for permission to do a couple of final tests. Don't worry, everything's taken care of. -Dr. Amastov
Input: 1 phone
Setting: Coarse
Output: 1 flip-style phone, with a series of texts in the inbox. Each text has several lines of code, which correspond to a color image of SCP-1471-1, standing uncomfortably in a small room.
Input: 1 phone
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 Samsung-brand smartphone, with SCP-1471 installed. Images sent from SCP-1471 are confirmed to retain their anomalous properties, but SCP-1471 appears confused in such images.
Input: 1 phone
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 smartphone, with SCP-1471 installed. Upon opening the app, all instances of SCP-1471-1 are missing from all received images. Images do not have their anomalous properties. Upon reaching the final image, several instances of SCP-1471-1 are seen, seemingly arguing with each other. Exposure to the final image causes the subject to immediately contract the final stage of SCP-1471.
Input: 1 phone, Dr. Amastov
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 smartphone, with SCP-1471 installed, along with Dr. Amasov's corpse. All instances of SCP-1471-1 are replaced with Dr. Amastov. Upon viewing the images, the usual anomalous properties are noted, with SCP-1471-1 being replaced by Dr. Amastov. Class-D testing has shown that Dr. Amastov retained his sentience, and is able to converse with affected personnel.
Test 914-0469
Name: Researcher I. Darby
Date: 18/03/2019
Total Items: 5 Terracotta Soldiers
Note: These were obtained in a completely legal manner.
Input: Terracotta Soldier
Setting: Rough
Output: Pile of clay shards and dust
Note: My intern said he heard screams, I think he's imagining it so I'm sending him to get the components for my next experiment from storage
Input: Terracotta Soldier
Setting: Coarse
Output: Neatly disassembled and arranged on floor of booth
Input: Terracotta Soldier
Setting: 1:1
Output: Egyptian Anubis statue (Shrunk to size)
Input: Terracotta Soldier
Setting: Fine
Output: Terracotta Soldier
Note: The soldier has been cleaned and refurbished as if it was brand new
Input: Terracotta Soldier
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Animate Terracotta Soldier, Exited output booth with a confused expression until seeing Researcher I. Darby. It then moved in an aggressive manner while yelling early Chinese, upon reaching Researcher I. Darby it proceeded to assault him until it was crippled by security personnel and put into containment. Researcher I. Darby suffered several broken bones and has been sent to the infirmary while the Terracotta soldier is interrogated.
Note: Audio translation of Chinese; You devil! You killed the Emperor! NOW I WILL KILL YOU!
Note: I caught a few junior researchers taking bets on Darby's demise, how long he has and in which manner he'll get himself killed. Take that outside of my testing area and put 50 bucks on 12 months for me. Crushed by a large object. - Dr. Veritas
Test 914-0470
Name: Archivist Dan
Date: 19/03/2019
Total Items: Paper copies of all current SCP-914 data
Note: Going to try to deal with this, if its all destroyed its not a loss the system needs and update anyways
Input: SCP-914 Containment Procedures
Setting: Rough
Output: Ripped and crumpled pile of paper
Input: SCP-914 Description
Setting: Coarse
Output: Pile of shredded paper and small puddle of Ink
Input: SCP-914 Addendum
Setting: 1:1
Output: SCP-294 Addendum
Now I need a cup of coffee
Input: SCP-914 Experiment Logs
Setting: Fine
Output: SCP-914 Experiment logs sorted by Author, Reaction Type (Did it explode, change shape, improve, or mess with peoples minds?), and ethnicity;
Note: Gonna make of copy of this then run it through again.
Input: Output from Previous test
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Paper Mache Model of SCP-914 that unfolds to reveal current information on SCP-914 when asked verbally.
Test 914-0471
Name: Jr. Researcher Redmar
Date: 20/03/2019
Total Items: 1 CD containing “Half life 2” for PC
Input: Mentioned above
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An extremely bright light consisting of [REDACTED] Lumens, which faded after 15 seconds, revealing a CD with the cover art resembling that of Half life 2, but the 2 was replaced with 3. When inserted into a disk drive, an image with the word: “NOPE” appeared on screen, followed by a noise resembling human laughter.
Note: Jr. Researcher Redmar has requested reassignment. Granted. - Dr. Veritas
tEsT 0011 1001 0010 - 0001 1101 1000
- Name: Foundation VIRUS Support member Johnny
Date: 19/03/2019
- Total Items: 1 basic computer virus on a 5 GB flash drive — Deletes files when used
Input: Flash drive with computer virus
Setting: Fine
Output: Computer virus on the flash drive. When plugged into VirUs designated testing computer, the virus somehow managed to connect to the SCP database (how it did so is being investigated). While active, it changed the formatting of several files, as well as edited certain words. Said edited words usually involve the word "virus". Virus was contained to it's 914 experiment log, and not deleted for testing purposes.
Note: This was absolutely not my fault, because I followed security measures virus using a disconnected testing computer. So uh… don't Virus me please. -Johnny
Yeah, you disconnected the computer but left the wireless network utilities and hardware intact before you plugged the infected and potentially (it was potential then, a fact now) anomalous compact flash drive in. I'm not sure what punishment I'm going to recommend to Dr. Veritas, but it'll be something that takes as long as the time I'm going to have to put into hunting down and restoring all the infected database entries. Maybe a mandatory course on proper virus protocols, we can go all the way back to Elk Cloner and work from there. Thanks for the extra work, buddy.
~Rosen
Test 914-0473
Name: Dr. Edward Wolfe
Date: 20/03/2019
Total Items: 1 copy of "The King Must Die" by Mary Renault
Input: "The King Must Die"
Setting: 1:1
Output: Title was changed to "The King Should Probably Die". Text within was unchanged.
Input: "The King Should Probably Die"
Setting: 1:1
Output: Title was changed to "The King Should Probably Die, But Not Right Now". Text within was unchanged.
Input: "The King Should Probably Die, But Not Right Now"
Setting: 1:1
Output: Title was changed to "The King Doesn't Feel Like Dying Right Now, Ask Him Again Later". Text within was unchanged.
Input: "The King Doesn't Feel Like Dying Right Now, Ask Him Again Later"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Title was changed to "The King Is Going To Die Sooner Or Later". Text within was changed in which the "King Horse" died on the battlefield instead of being sacrificed.
Input: "The King Is Going To Die Sooner Or Later"
Setting: Rough
Output: Title changed to "The King Has Already Died You Fool". Text within was changed to that of "The Bull From The Sea", the sequel to "The King Must Die".
Note: I forgot she wrote a sequel, I'm going to have to read this one day. - Dr. Wolfe
Test 914-0474
Name: Dr. Bear
Date: 20/03/2019
Total Items: 3 CD copies of the album "The Life of Pablo", by Kanye West
Input: 1 of above mentioned items
Setting: Coarse
Output: A blank disc.
Input: 1 of above mentioned items
Setting: 1:1
Output: A CD copy of the album "Pablo Honey" by Radiohead. All songs on the album are replaced with covers by Kanye West.
Input: 1 of above mentioned items
Setting: Fine
Output: A mounted animatronic reproduction of Kanye West's head. When a motion sensor on the front is triggered, the object will turn on and perform the song "I Love Kanye".
Test 914-0475
RaISA Notice: The following test was recorded before the Foundation's modern record keeping, as such it may not represent current documentation protocol. Furthermore it did not occur after the test listed before it.
It has come to my attention that personnel frequently submit proposals to use naturally occurring phenomenon in SCP-914. SCP-914 modifies (not improves) objects based around their current state and the "purpose", ergo assuming there isn't a creator deity or similar; a rock should be null in purpose. While the curiosity and creative application of an SCP item is admirable, it has become annoying for all parties involved. For this reason I'm attaching the one time that was attempted and why we won't ever try it again. You'd better be grateful for this; I had to go into some dark bowls of Site-19's archive to get these. I'm still not sure I was the only thing down there.
- Dr. L. E. Veritas, head of SCP-914 documentation.
Name: Dr. Langford
Date: 03/05/1926
Total Items: Several small stones.
Input: One of the aforementioned stones.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A different stone of the same weight.
Input: One of the aforementioned stones.
Setting: Fine
Output: A mass of molten rock, it seems to have super-heated the air in the chamber to explosive levels. The damage to SCP-914 was minimal and could be repaired by conventional means. The assisting staff are currently recovering from burns in the [REDACTED] hospital. Dr. Langford was unaffected due to his distance from the test.
Update (20/03/1926): The burned staff have begun to show symptoms inconsistent with burns, possibly abnormal in nature. These symptoms include a general poorly defined sickness (nausea, weakness, headaches, etc) and most notably a loss of hair. The medical ward is presently closed off from the rest of the facility.
Update:Update (22/03/1926) Following progression of the aforementioned symptoms, the staff have died. Attending medical staff are not showing symptoms. Classification of the corpses as an SCP item is being considered.
Update (06/08/1945): The symptoms noted in the staff have been discovered occurring en-masse under mundane circumstances and is no longer considered to be an abnormality. The bodies have been given a proper burial.
Test 914-0476
Name: Dr. Gémini
Date: 20/03/2019
Total Items: Several copies of The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.
Input: One of the aforementioned books.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A book titled "The Richard Delusion" that claims to have been written by YHWH. The contents of the book are an argument that Richard Dawkins does not actually exist.
Input: One of the aforementioned books.
Setting: Fine
Output: An unlabeled book containing scripts for every episode of Star Trek, a propaganda project launched by the Foundation to spread misotheistic and pro-scientific ideals under the cover of a science-fiction franchise.
Input: One of the aforementioned books.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A colony of small animate humanoids made out of paper and ink who worshiped the attending staff as their "creators". After six hours the entire population was destroyed in a religious war. Notably, like all items output by SCP-914, their memory was limited to seconds after the "Output" booth was opened.
Test 914-0477
Name: Researcher I. Darby
Date: 20/03/2019
Total Items: 3 Mech Blueprints, 3 Tons of Steel, 3 AI Cores, Box of Chocolates
Input: 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 Blueprint of Site-██, .90 Ton Pure Iron, .05 Ton Diamond, .05 Ton Unidentified, 1 AI Core of a different model.
Note: Can I sell those diamonds? I need the money. - Researcher Darby
Note: That's hilarious, Darby. - Veritas
Input: 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 Steel Cube with Paper accents, (AI Core implanted inside)
Note: Scrapping this, you can't even use the AI as it has no outlet. - Darby
Input: 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 1 Unarmed Automatic Mech
Note: Once I finish this next test I'll send it to MTF Command to be used containing anomalous objects. - Darby
Note: Yeah, they're not exactly subtle. If we were to use these, we're limited to using them only in Transformer cosplay events. - MTF Captain Niles.
Input: Box of Chocolates
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Miniature feminine humanoid produced entirely from chocolate.
Addendum: Upon output booth opening, Object rushed at Researcher Darby and proceeded to feed him chocolate until he fainted from inability to breath through the chocolate. Then the Object avoided Security Personnel attempts to contain it and accessed the Mech from the previous test, which it used to enact a massive Containment Breach until MTF forces took it down with a AT weapon. Researcher Darby is in ICU due to Medical Personnel taking longer to reach him due to Containment Breach.
Test 914-0478
Name: Researcher Cain
Date: 20/03/2019
Total Items: One CD with a copy of The Unforgiven 1, The Unforgiven 2, and The Unforgiven 3, all produced by Metallica
Input: The Aforementioned CD
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A CD with 10 copies of The Unforgiven 1-10 on it. To date Metallica has only produced 3.
Note: I like the first one the best still -Researcher Cain
Input: The CD with The Unforgiven 1-10 on it
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A CD with The Unforgiven 1-100 on it
Note: Lets see how far we can take this. -Researcher Cain
Input: The CD with The Unforgiven 1-100 on it
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A CD with The Unforgiven 1-10,000 on it
Input: The CD with The Unforgiven 1-10,000 on it
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A CD with The Unforgiven 1-1,000,000 on it
Input: The CD with The Unforgiven 1-1,000,000 on it
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A CD with The Unforgiven 1-1e+12 on it
Note: I think that's enough to last me a little while. 12 thousand years of Metallica might not be enough though. -Researcher Cain
Test 914-0479
Name: Dr. Blane
Date: 21/03/2019
Total Items: Three #2 Pencils, not sharpened.
Pre-Test Note: The dial of the machine was removed during the test.
Input: One #2 Pencil
Setting: N/A
Output: One #1 Pencil, sharpened
Input: One #2 Pencil
Setting: N/A
Output: One broken pencil, with various cuts and bite marks around it
Input: One #2 Pencil
Setting: N/A
Output: One #14 Pencil. When held, it seems to write whatever the holder is thinking.
Note: It looks like the output is completely random, as if a setting was chosen. The settings it seemed to choose were 1:1, Rough or Coarse, then Fine or Very Fine, in that order. Dial returned to 914 after the test. -Dr. Blane
Note: 3 HOURS POST-TEST: The #14 pencil from test 3 is gone, replaced by a #2 pencil with the words "Veritas" written on it. So if it was swapped with one of his pencils, uh… sorry? -Dr. Blane
Note: Thanks for the heads-up, but I'm not enough of a megalomaniac to have custom pencils made with my name on it. I'd also like to know who gave you permission to remove the dial panel. - Veritas
Test 914-0480
Name: Dr. Lucius Veritas
Date: 22/03/2019
Total Items: Three office lamps
Note: I'm running a test to see if 914 is still functioning properly (relatively speaking) after the removal of the panel, which has been reattached.
Input: One office lamp
Setting: Coarse
Output: A disassembled office lamp, with the components sorted based on size.
Input: One office lamp.
Setting: 1:1
Output: An office lamp, seemingly unchanged. Turned on, it appears to block light reaching the retinas of all organisms within a 5 meter radius, effectively blinding them until they move out of its range.
Note: An anti-lamp. Huh. - Veritas
Input: One office lamp.
Setting: Very fine (D-Class Personnel was employed to retrieve and test the result).
Output: One office lamp. When activated, it emits Gamma radiation. D-Class Personnel expired due to acute radiation poisoning. Notably, when the lamp was deactivated by remotely controlled drone, all traces of radiation dissipated immediately, unlike normal Gamma radiation which can linger for centuries.
Note: So, the logic behind this is that light is essentially a portion of the electromagnetic spectrum with a wavelength inside the visible spectrum. Increase the frequency enough, and you get ultraviolet light, X-rays, and eventually Gamma rays. 914 seems to be functioning as well as can be expected in its state, carry on people. - Veritas
Test 914-0481
Name: Researcher I. Darby
Date: 22/03/2019
Total Items: Can of Onion Powder
Note: Researcher I. Darby is out of ICU on probation and feels well enough for a small test
Input: Can of Onion Powder
Setting: 1:1
Output: Tear Gas Grenade
Note: Uhh, No one touch anything until I grab a gas mask
Input: Output From Previous
Setting: 1:1
Output: Mustard Gas Grenade
Note: That's not good but, I'm going to seem how far this will go
Input: Output From Previous
Setting: 1:1
Output: CS Gas Grenade
Note: That's better than the last output, but still dangerous
Input: Output From Previous
Setting: 1:1
Output: Agent Orange Grenade
Note: I'm going to go and grab a NBRC Haz-Mat suit
Input: Output From Previous
Setting: 1:1
Output: Incendiary Grenade
Note: At least its not a Gas Grenade, going to run it one last time
Input: Output From Previous
Setting: 1:1
Output: White Phosphorus Grenade (Ring Pulled)
Note: EVERYBODY OUT NOW!!
Incident Report: Researcher I. Darby was severely wounded by White Phosphorous in his attempt to force his Assistant Personnel and Security Escort out of the SCP-914 Containment Area. SCP-914 was not damaged but its Containment Area requires cleaning and minor repair, Researcher I. Darby has been returned to the ICU and has been banned from using SCP-914 until he is fully healed. - Site Manager
Note: Maybe SCP-914 is still on the Fritz after that panel got taken off - Jr. Researcher Norton
Note: Every test this guy does is a spit in Darwin's face. It's a miracle that he survived this long, I have half a mind to have him classified as an anomalous object. Someone get me a bloody aspirin. - Veritas
Test 914-0482
Name: Dr. Scott
Date: 22/03/2019
Total items: The document about SCP-914
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: 1:1
Output: The document about SCP-914 but it praises SCP-914.
Note: Biased. -Dr. Scott
Test 914-0483
Name: Researcher Nyka
Date: 22/03/2019
Total items: Three ceramic gnome figurines
Input: One ceramic gnome
Setting: 1:1
Output: One ceramic figurine of an elf.
Input: One ceramic gnome
Setting: 1:1
Output: One ceramic figurine of a goblin.
Input: One ceramic gnome
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One ceramic gnome, initially thought to have no change to the original output. However, after Researcher Nyka retrieved it, the figurine became animate, pointing a finger at them and uttering a laugh before instantaneously vanishing. Current whereabouts are unknown.
Note: Fucking gnomes, man. -Nyka
Test 914-0484
Name: Intern Lunar
Date: 23/03/2019
Total items: One coffee mug
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One coffee mug with "Foundations Best Intern" written in Sharpie on the side. No affect is observed. Those that see the mug feel compelled to give Intern Lunar a complement.
Note: I know this counts as a infohazard, but could I please keep this if I promise to not abuse this? -Intern Lunar
Note: Yeah, no. Nice shirt. - Veritas
Test 914-0485
Name: Dr. Artium
Date: 23/03/2019
Total items: One copy of a biography on the life of "Stan Lee", one Lenovo laptop
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The laptop was wrapped in what appeared to be the pages of the book however no writing was present on any papers. Upon removing the the paper the top of the laptop seemed to be replaced with the original cover material of said book, all Lenovo logos on the laptop were replaced with the word "excelsior". On starting up the laptop researchers were met with an animated humanoid on screen who resembled the late "Stan Lee". The humanoid was able to speak and respond to questions asked of it and several questions related to the life of "Stan Lee" were answered accurately.
Note: I need to go and cry for a minute, excuse me! -Dr. Artium
Test 914-0486
Name: Maintenance Technician Johnson
Date: 23/03/2019
Total Items: 300 identical florescent light bulbs
Note: I want to see if large amounts of identical items will affect the output in any noticeable way.
Input: 100 identical florescent light bulbs
Setting: 1:1
Output: One very large florescent light bulb
Note: We don't use the model of the input lights here, so I guess this is about as useful to us. - MT Johnson
Input: 100 identical florescent light bulbs.
Setting: Fine
Output: 46 identical incandescent light bulbs filled with florescent gas. 22 of the bulbs subsequently collapsed due to the pressure differential between the gas inside and outside the bulbs.
Note: Incandescent light bulbs are supposed to have a non-reactive gas inside them, not the opposite of that. These lights are extremely inefficient, extremely bright (but not as bright as some pre-existing alternatives), and extremely short-lasting (averaging 1 hour use before burning out), effectively making them useless. I've left them in non-anomalous item storage, just in case someone thinks up a use for them. - MT Johnson
Input: 100 identical florescent light bulbs
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One floating sphere made of plastic and metal surrounded by a sphere of glowing gas. Moving the sphere with tools (as the heat produced by the object made physically touching it impossible) caused the sphere of gas to move with it. The gas remained anomalously stable during transport, remaining in a perfect sphere around the core at all times, regardless of the speed or direction of transport.
Note: This… shouldn't be working like this. Florescent bulbs work by producing UV light, which then gets converted into visible light by the glass of the bulb, so we shouldn't be seeing anything but the core. Also, how the heck is this thing producing heat and light with no input whatsoever? Then again, this was made by 914. I'm pretty sure that it's never heard of the laws of physics, or at least doesn't take them seriously. - MT Johnson
Test 914-0487
Name: Dr. N████ Trandfir
Date: 23/03/2019
Total Items: One USB drive, containing a copy of the Valve game Half-Life
Input: One copy of Half-Life
Setting: Rough
Output: One copy of the Half-Life fan game Hunt Down The Freeman
Note: As Expected. I think we’re done here.
Test 914-0488
Name: Researcher Gailen
Date: 25/03/2019
Total Items: One USB drive containing a copy of the Valve game Portal 2, One 10cmx10cm picture of MT Johnson
Note: I want to see how 914 reacts to MT Johnson again, as well as more of Valve's games. I find both to be very amusing. -Researcher Gailen
Input: Picture of MT Johnson
Setting: Fine
Output: 10cmx10cm Picture of Cave Johnson from Portal 2. Upon viewing the picture, the subject is compelled to say "Cave Johnson, we're done here." and exit the room.
Note: This hindered the test significantly as everyone would walk into the room and then back out over and over again. And I forgot about Cave Johnson there, Johnson and Johnson… -Researcher Gailen
Input: One copy of Portal 2
Setting: 1:1
Output: No change A copy of Portal 2, but the voice of and all images of Cave Johnson have been replaced by the voice of and the face of MT Johnson.
Test 914-0489
Name: Researcher Calloway
Date: 26/03/2019
Total Items:
Note: Guess what? I'm back. I was cleared charges and saved from D-Class status because I had been affected by several memetics, thanks to 914. Let's see how it reacts to me. -Researcher Calloway//
Input: 1 note, reading "I'm back, 914."
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 note with a decorative heart drawn on it.
Note: Wait, what?
Input: 1 note, reading "Did you miss me?"
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 note with Researcher Calloway's name, heavily decorated.
Note: Is all of this over? Can I finally have peace with this machine?
Input: 1 note with Researcher Calloway's name, heavily decorated.
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 piece of paper, with a cognitohazardous symbol drawn on it. When a subject views it, the subject immediately feels the compulsion to rhythmically bang their head on a wall.
Note: Calloway was rushed to the medical bay, and we have the thing in a box, where no one can see it. -Sergeant Richard Hammer
Note: For Christ's sake, Darby and Calloway seem to be competing to gets to be killed the fastest. I don't know what's more merciful: Ban them from testing or let natural selection take care of it. - Veritas
Test 914-0490
Name: Researcher Daniel
Date: 26/03/2019
Total Items: An ampoule containing 40 grams of caesium metal in an argon atmosphere.
Input: One aforementioned ampoule
Setting: Very Fine
Output: 40 grams of green liquid metal. Identified to be an anomalously stable isotope of Francium. Melting point consistent with predictions, as was its extremely violent reaction with water when tested.
Note: We put this in a hazardous containment unit, and it just blew up randomly. Turns out there was a pipe leaking in that room. A [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] pipe leak had enough water to make it go kaboom. Please ask the Hazards Department before doing stuff like this again. -Senior Researcher Egbert
Test 914-0491
Name: Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Date: 27/03/2019
Items: A wad of $100 bills.
Input: $200 in bills and a note reading "Could I trade this for a model kit of that blue robot cat from that Toonami anime a few years back, please?" with a caricature of the aforementioned "robot cat."
Setting: 1:1
Output: 2 $100 bills folded into origami tigers and a note reading "No Zoids for you!" with a caricature of someone getting slapped with a spoon.
Note: Oh, for the love of…it's "Secure. Contain. Protect," NOT "Shop. Checkout. Purchase." This is a matter reshaping machine, not eBay. The professor's clearances have been suspended pending further review. -Veritas
Maybe this thing's more a fan of Seinfeld than anime? -Former Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Test 914-0492
Name: Researcher Lombardi
Date: 27/03/2019
Total Items: Three replica 914 dial panels.
Note: I had these measured and fabricated when the panel was removed during previous testing.
Input: One replica 914 dial panel
Setting: 1:1
Output: One 914 dial panel with settings in reverse order. "Very Fine", "Fine", "1:1", "Coarse", and "Rough".
Input: One replica 914 dial panel
Setting: 1:1
Output: One 914 dial panel. The dial can move to three positions, labeled "Animal", "Vegetable", and "Mineral".
Input: One replica 914 dial panel
Setting: 1:1
Output: One 914 dial panel. The dial can move to four positions, labeled 'Curious', 'Malicious', 'Insightful', and 'Jovial'.
Note: I was expecting more mathematical axes of constraint. A mood panel? What would those settings even do? Requesting permission to test 914 with the alternative dials. - Lombardi
Note: Sure, knock yourself out, but I'm going to be in the bomb shelter while you do it - Researcher Darby
Test 914-0493
Name: Intern Lunar
Date: 28/03/2019
Total Items: One slip of paper with a ''smiley face'' printed on it and one mug.
Input: One paper
Setting: 1:1 with the "mood" panel on Jovial original panel was replaced with the mood one after turning the dial to 1:1.
Output: A slip of paper that folded its self in to a paper airplane. It makes a whistling sound when thrown.
Note: Can I keep this one? -Intern Lunar
Input: One mug
Setting: Animal mood panel was replaced with the "attribute" one after turning the dial to a blank spot.
Output: An animate cat mug with the mouth of the mug on the cat's back. Cat seems to enjoy being filled with a liquid. This however, is a hazard if the liquid is hot, as the cat still will roll around on its back possibly ruining papers or causing burns. It also seems to enjoy knocking things off of desks as well as sleeping on keyboards.
Note: Ok, this is adorable. Can I please keep this? cxvtrsdfrvASDAD -Intern Lunar
Note: Lunar, You're clearly new here if you think that keeping anomalous objects is a good idea. Keep them, but I'm not responsible for what happens to you because of it. Don't use it after midnight, as a precaution. -Veritas
Update: It eats and excretes. I need a litter box. Also I'm the intern, so thanks for telling me. -Intern Lunar
Note: Who let an intern use 914 without supervision? Also, Why do we have interns in the first place? - Researcher Darby
Note: My supervisor let me. Also I would assume so they can see if I should be hired? - Intern Lunar
Test 914-0494
Name: Researcher White
Date: 28/03/2019
Total Items: 5 standard decks of 52 playing cards each
Input: 1 standard playing card deck
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 deck of Uno playing cards
Note: Anyone willing to play a round after testing? -Researcher White
Input: 1 standard playing card deck
Setting: 1:1
Output: 1 deck of playing cards depicting various well-known animals such as lions, tigers, baleen whales, squids, and gorillas
Input: 1 standard playing card deck
Setting: 1:1
Output: Twenty-six dice with red dots and twenty-six with black dots. Dice had varying numbers of dots up to ten or letters including A, J, K, and Q.
Note: Well these are useless. -Researcher White
Input: 1 standard playing card deck
Setting: Fine
Output: 1 deck of playing cards depicting various humanoid anomalies and researchers
Note: Why am I only the 4 of spades? -Researcher White
Input: 1 standard playing card deck
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A deck of cards. When one is turned over to display its face, it will display the face of a random card.
Note: Anyone up for playing a game with these cards? -Researcher White
Test 914-0495
Name: Dr. Sheath
Date: 28/03/2019
Total Items: Five plastic Lego bricks
Note: I'm sure we all know what's going to happen if we use the new "malicious" option. What I want to know is if the option selected before adding the new panel impacts the result. For all of these tests, the original panel was turned to a setting, removed, and replaced with the mood panel, which was then set to malicious. - Dr. Sheath
Input: One plastic Lego brick
Setting of original panel: Rough
Setting of mood panel: Malicious
Output: One plastic Lego brick which shattered into fragments upon being picked up.
Input: One plastic Lego brick
Setting of original panel: Coarse
Setting of mood panel: Malicious
Output: One plastic Lego brick. Despite fitting perfectly, it is incapable of stacking with other Lego bricks.
Input: One plastic Lego brick
Setting of original panel: 1:1
Setting of mood panel: Malicious
Output: One plastic Lego brick. The studs are notably sharper, being triangular rather than circular.
Input: One plastic Lego brick
Setting of original panel: Fine
Setting of mood panel: Malicious
Output: One plastic Lego brick, now possessing an anomalous property wherein, if a person is walking within 25 meters of it with no footwear on, it will automatically transport itself to a spot under their foot.
Note: …Oh dear. I was expecting that to be the Very Fine result. Now I'm scared… - Dr. Sheath
Input: One plastic Lego brick
Setting of original panel: Very Fine
Setting of mood panel: Malicious
Output: One plastic Lego brick. When coming into contact with any surface, studs in the style of Lego bricks appear on that surface within three seconds of contact. Dr. Sheath was sent to the medical bay after the aforementioned studs appeared on his hand after picking it up. The Lego brick has been sent to anomalous item storage.
Note: It doesn't hurt or anything, and it hasn't spread beyond my hand, but it hasn't gone away yet. I could probably live with it, but it'd be really inconvenient… - Dr. Sheath
Note: Look on the bright side; you can now build on your hand! -Dr. Fante
Note: That would probably hurt. -Intern Lunar
Test 914-0496
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 30/03/2019
Total Items Three copies of SCP-096's file
Input: One copy of SCP-096's file
Setting: Coarse
Output: An edited copy of SCP-096's file. The description and containment procedures have been heavily altered, describing SCP-096 in a manner that is heavily contrasting to its actual behavior.
Note: That definitely could have been much worse - Dr. Piedmont
Input: One copy of SCP-096's file
Setting: Fine
Output: An edited copy of SCP-096's file. An extra addendum has been added to the bottom of the page. Said addendum details multiple containment breaches of SCP-096.
Input: One copy of SCP-096's file
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An edited copy of SCP-096's file. The words on the page have been jumbled in order to create an accurate visual of SCP-096's face. Viewing this recreation of its face results in no anomalous effects.
Note: This is actually pretty tame for things 914 has done in the past. I might hang this on my wall. - Dr.Piedmont
Note: I'm putting 5 dollars on this man not lasting a week, he just seems to have that special relationship with 914 that me and Calloway share - Researcher Darby
Note: I like those odds, I'll put another 5 on top of that. - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0497
Name: Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Date: 30/03/2019
Total Items: One piece of 8.5"x11" paper, one mechanical pencil with 0.3mm lead
Note: The professor's clearances were reinstated after remedial training on 914's functionality.
Note: Okay, first off, my bad about last time. Anyway, I've heard that this device isn't sentient, but from the test records involving Darby and Calloway alone, I'm fairly sure it has a sense of humor…and quite possibly a vendetta. Let's test that first one out. - Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Input: A note card reading "Know any good jokes?"
Setting: 1:1
Output: A note card reading "Knock knock."
Note: Huh. Gotta be honest, I was half expecting it to be something insulting. Well, let's roll with it, see how this plays out. - Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Input: The same note card, with the previous note erased. It now reads "Who's there?"
Setting: 1:1
Output: A note card reading "Peak hatch."
Note: Peak ha—oh good grief. I think I can already tell where this is going. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Input: A note card reading "Peak hatch who?"
Setting: 1:1
Output: The note card is now folded into the shape of a rodent-like creature, confirmed to be the mascot of the Pokémon franchise. Upon the creature's name being uttered, the sound of 2 snare drums and a cymbal were heard from an unknown location.
Note: Well, I suppose the test was only to see IF 914 had a sense of humor, not how GOOD of one it had. Maybe if I'd given it the whole pencil it could have written out something better? -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren
Test 914-0498
Name: Dr. Piedmont
Date: 31/03/2019
Total Items: One image of SCP-173, a sharpie
Note: We haven't seen how SCP-914's new "mood" settings affects images yet. My prediction is that it will be more-or-less the same as usual, but you never know with 914. -Dr. Piedmont
Input: One image of SCP-173, a sharpie
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: An image of SCP-173 with a handlebar mustache and a top hat drawn onto his head and a slightly used sharpie.
Note: I wonder how far we can take this -Dr. Piedmont
Input: The above result
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: An edit of the above image. SCP-173 now has a monocle and a crudely drawn cane next to its "hand". An even more used sharpie
Input: The above result
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: An edit of the above image. The background of the image is now a fancy party drawn with a sharpie, with multiple other SCPs in the background dressed the same way SCP-173 is. A sharpie that is out of ink.
Note: It was later discovered that an image of SCP-096 drawn in sharpie was on the back of the photo. Analysis into why SCP-914 drew this when the image was of SCP-173 is ongoing. I am currently not liking the odds that Researcher Darby gave me. -Dr. Piedmont
Note: Well, if you last a week I'll throw you a cupcake party, and 10 dollars for winning the bet. Also, can I have this picture? I find it highly amusing - Researcher Darby
Note: I highly doubt I'll last the week, but you can have the photo. - Dr. Piedmont
Test 914-0499
Name: Dr. Harper
Date: 01/04/2019
Total Items: Twenty standard stainless steel ball-peen hammers with oak wood handles
Note: The purpose of these tests is to properly catalogue the possibilities that the
recently manufactured extra panels might offer. Authorization for an exemption to the
ban on biological testing pending, I've opted not to pursue the Animal and Vegetable
settings, or the remaining Mineral setting for that matter. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood setting: Curious
Output: A ball-peen hammer, sliced into neat 2cm thick portions, arranged into a neat semicircle.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: A scraped and battered ball-peen hammer, inscribed with obscure sentences and pictograms. Analysis on their possible meaning is ongoing, though low-priority.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: An irregularly-shaped ball-peen hammer with a stainless steel handle and a wooden head.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: A music box composed of oak and stainless steel which plays the hook of "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: A small war hammer adorned with Nordic runes. When held by a human, the holder is possessed by an entity calling itself 'Asmund', claiming to be a deceased viking warrior. Entity is mostly non-hostile, and will primarily recount glorified tales of its supposed exploits. Removing item reverts its holder to their normal state of mind.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: Ashes and molten steel. Molten steel proved excessively difficult to remove - ultimately requiring the entire output booth floor to be replaced.
Note: Usually 914 resorts to scare tactics or physical harm. Toil is an entirely other
echelon of malice, I'd say. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: Item appeared unchanged. A D-class was instructed to retrieve it. Upon touch, the item collapsed seemingly into dust. Testing has determined that breathing the dust will cause an allergic reaction in which an itchy rash will form whenever the recipient is in physical contact with hammers.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: A hammer which had been stretched to a length of 4 meters and 22 centimeters, fitting into the output chamber from corner to corner. Item was broken in two in order to retrieve it. Item weighs exactly the same as the original hammer.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: A hammer which switches places with whatever item it hits. No upper limit to the weight or dimensions of such objects has been found.
Note: This is a major containment issue. When in contact with any matter, it counts
even tiny vibrations as "hitting", eventually wriggling out of piles of sand and even
jelly. Currently our best bet at containment is to suspend it in mid-air magnetically. I
shudder to think what would happen if this thing ever touched bedrock. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: A hammer that did not initially display any deviations from the input item. Testing was at first inconclusive. After 24 hours of disuse, the item duplicated itself. Further testing has confirmed that the item duplicates itself whenever it isn't used at least once in any given 24 hour period, with all copies retaining the anomalous properties. All resulting hammers successfully contained.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A ball-peen hammer broken in two. Analysis suggests item was broken by stress from overuse.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: Irregular wooden tubes aligning to the tree rings found on the original hammer. Two irregular metal objects, one pure iron and the other pure chromium. Analysis suggests that the metals are arranged in the shape in which they were originally contained as ores.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A small device with a stainless steel outer shell and three buttons. Each button corresponds to a single wooden slab which protrudes out from the top of the machine via a simple non-anomalous mechanism. The slabs read "Baa Baa", "Dolly" and "Shaun" respectively. On the bottom of the machine is an inscription stating that the machine is "A lamb-name helper".
Note: Upon mentioning the seemingly non-sequitur object to Researcher Jaynim of the linguistics department, she informed me that "A lamb-name helper" is an anagram of "A ball-peen hammer". - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A miniature shoemaking toolkit missing its hammer.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A hammer which changes appearance upon being picked up. Investigation revealed that the form taken often signifies great nostalgia to the holder. Physical attributes remain unchanged even when appearance is altered.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A small 50 piece puzzle depicting the collective outputs from the previous fifteen tests, with the addition of four unidentified objects.
Note: If I know anything about 914, those four extra items will be the resulting
items from the last four tests I've scheduled. - Dr. Harper
Note: Having completed the tests, I can confirm this to be true. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A ball-peen hammer with a loosened head. Upon originally being picked up from the output booth, the head came off and struck the personnel on their foot, causing slight amusement to other personnel at present. Hammer and its components found to be non-anomalous.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: Twenty miniature hammers placed in a display case, equal in total weight to the original input. While comprised of the same raw materials, each miniature hammer is unique in design.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A hammer inscribed with the phrase "Whistle while you work". Using the hammer to perform any kind of physical work causes a mild compulsion to whistle or hum while doing so.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A hammer which grows or shrinks to accommodate the minimum constraining volume. Can be easily shrunk in size by applying any amount of force to opposing sides. A sound akin to a slide whistle can be heard whenever the item changes size.
Note: I hope that this had any kind of research merit. If anybody can convince the higher-ups to test with the other control panel, be my guest. - Dr. Harper
Cite this page as:
"Experiment Log 914" by Dr Gears, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/experiment-log-914. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
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