Note to all Researchers:
Please include your name on all records, along with date and total number of items "refined".
Researchers are responsible for all "Output". Should damage or loss of life occur, the researcher will be subject to administrative review and possible disciplinary action.
Biological testing has been suspended. Any biological testing must be cleared by O5 Command.
Test Log Format:
All test logs should be written in this form.
Name:
Date: DD/MM/YYYY
Total Items:
Input:
Setting:
Output:
<- Notice: Continued from 12XX.
Test 914-1300
Name: Intern Regal
Date: 09/12/2019
Total Items: One miniature Christmas tree with various ornaments, one set of Christmas lights, one mistletoe, five candy canes, one wreath, one Christmas theme snow globe and one present box containing two cans of lubricant oil, one bottle of rust remover, and several bottles of cleaning solution for various metals.
Note: Since we are entering the holiday season, I’ll run a few tests with some decorations and since I’m not going to be doing this again, I’ll give 914 my Christmas present now. - Intern Regal
Input: One miniature Christmas tree with various ornaments.
Setting: Fine
Output: One miniature Christmas tree with various ornaments. Said ornaments will regrow in approximately five hours if removed. It uses available materials suitable for ornament manufacturing in a radius of 100 meters. If the star at the top of the tree is removed, the ornaments will stop their growth and will not continue until the star is returned. Placing a substitute star of the same materials will not restart the anomalous effect. Item placed in anomalous storage.
Input: One set of Christmas lights.
Setting: Fine
Output: One set of Christmas lights that don't generate any light when powered that produce electromagnetic waves outside the spectrum of visible light. Each time the settings are changed they will produce electromagnetic waves with random frequencies. Item incinerated after Gamma rays were detected in one of the configurations.
Input: Five candy canes.
Setting: Fine
Output: One candy cane of the same size as the ones inputted. Further analysis revealed the object to be five times as dense as any of the original canes. The candy cane’s mass will not decrease regardless of the amount consumed, and any part broken or destroyed in any other way will be restored by anomalous means within two to three hours. If more than 70% of the object is simultaneously destroyed, it will restore itself in the pocket of the last person to consume part of it, retaining it's original mass and size. Consumption of the candy cane results in a desire to celebrate Christmas, regardless of the subject's previous feelings or knowledge of the festivity. Item placed in anomalous storage. It is theorised that the materials for the candy canes are slowly reclaimed out of the digestive system of previous consumers.
Input: One wreath.
Setting: Fine
Output: One wreath which, when placed on a door, will change it to a wooden door of the same size. The type of wood making up the new door depends on the original predominant material of the door. So far, the following conversions have been observed:
| Original material | Type of wood |
| Iron | Oak |
| Steel | Maple |
| Aluminum | Walnut |
| Fiberglass | Pine |
| Brass | Cedar |
| Glass | Cherry |
| Concrete | Willow-leaf red quebracho |
| Rubber | Aspen |
Input: One Christmas theme snow globe
Setting: Fine
Output: One snow globe of Foundation Site-19. When shaken it will cause snowfall in the corresponding area for the next 6 hours before gradually ceasing. Item placed in anomalous storage to avoid possible damage to said structure.
Input: One mistletoe.
Setting: Fine
Output: One mistletoe with the anomalous property of making any pair of individuals kiss if placed above them. The object has an effective range of two square meters and has been observed to work on six people simultaneously. If an uneven number of subjects is within its range, a random person will be left unaffected. Item placed in anomalous storage.
Input: One present box containing two cans of lubricant oil, one bottle of rust remover, and several bottles of cleaning solution for various metals.
Setting: Fine
Output: One present box containing a plastic representation of a Turing machine and an aluminum bust of Alan Turing, with the inscription “Merry Christmas” written under it.
Note: Merry Christmas to you too, 914. - Intern Regal
Test 914-1301
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 10/12/2019
Total Items: One 1.18L bottle of "KABOOM" brand Heavy Duty bathroom cleaning agent, 1 remote camera in blast casing
Note: If this goes anything like I expect it to, this should serve as an example to the cleaning staff, the cooking staff, and anyone else looking to use 914 to make their jobs around here easier why that is a terrible idea. I have already informed Dr. Veritas that I will take full responsibility for whatever happens. - Prof. Wren
Note: Camera set up 1.3 meters from output booth. D-class ordered to exit testing area after turning mainspring key.
Input: One bottle.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A hollow plastic harpsicord with strings made from the cleaning agent. Strings remain in solid, taut state despite being well above the cleaning agent's freezing point. Further analysis shows that playing a tune on the harpsichord causes a sudsing action to occur on portions of surfaces that are covered in dirt, soap scum, lime, rust, or other common "dirty" elements; the closer the proximity, the more suds are produced. Suds conform to that of the cleaning solution within the instrument, and wiping them off reveals the surface underneath to be fully cleaned. After 17 minutes, the instrument's supply of cleaning solution was depleted. A cap on the top of the harpsichord allows it to be refilled; strings reformed and function resumed after being filled with [REDACTED]-brand All-Purpose Cleaner.
Note: …In fairness, given that I started all this off by stating "if this goes anything like I expect it to," I deserved that. I was fully expecting 914 to turn that into an explosive fitting the original brand name, but then again, foiling expectations has often proven to be the only thing we can safely expect from 914. -Prof. Wren
Note: Janitorial's request for use of the instrument is under review, pending anyone on the cleaning staff can prove they can play a harpsichord.
Test 914-1302
Name: Dr. Matism
Date: 10/12/2019
Total Items: Five Honeywell 9308F Paper shredders
Note: Rough and Coarse skipped for brevity. - Dr. Matism
Input: One shredder
Setting: 1:1
Output: One "914 Brand Paper Shredder" with no anomalous properties.
Input: One shredder
Setting: Fine
Output: One industrial shredder. The additional mass from the larger opening has been transformed into more blades.
Input: One shredder
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One large box consisting of plastic, steel, Silicon, other trace elements from computational chips labeled "914 Brand Un-Shredder". Any shredded material placed inside, regardless of mass or density, will be completely reconstructed after 10 seconds in the box.
Note: I'm not entirely sure what practical application this would have, but there are no immediately obvious destructive capabilities. Archived in anomalous storage. - Dr. Matism
Test 914-1303
Name: Doctor Margin
Date: 10/12/2019
Total Items: One booklet popular with anti-vaccination groups.
Input: One booklet popular with anti-vaccination groups.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One origami structure of a children's cemetery, specifically for those who died as a result of preventable disease.
Test 914-1304
Name: Researcher Burns
Date: 11/12/2019
Total Items: One paper note, one black pen, five 52 card packs of playing cards
Note: Hi, I'm new around here and noticed it seems customary to introduce yourself to 914 before testing. - Researcher Burns
Input: One note with "Hi I'm Researcher Burns and it will be a pleasure to test with you"
Setting: Coarse
Output: One note with a stylized drawing of a flame on it and slight scorching around the edges, one partially empty pen
Input: One 52 card pack
Setting: Rough
Output: One pile of torn and burnt playing cards
Input: One 52 card pack
Setting: Coarse
Output: One pile of rectangular cardstock, one lump of plastic, two equal pools of red and black ink, several small puddles of different coloured inks
Input: One 52 card pack
Settiing: 1:1
Output: One pack of cards with all inks switched, i.e. Spades/Clubs are red and Hearts/Diamonds are black
Input: One 52 card pack
Setting: Fine
Output: One pack of cards which have had their edges sharpend and hardened to withstand impacts
Input: One 52 card pack
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One pack of cards that if left untouched for more than five seconds begins to anomalously shuffle itself
Note: If these pass testing, could I keep them? - Researcher Burns
Note: Fine with me, but if you take that home and someone other than you sees that, the amnestics are coming out of your paycheck. - Veritas
Test 914-1305
Name: Senior Researcher Vivic
Date: 11/12/2019
Total Items: Four children's toys.
Input: Plastic toy dinosaur (T-Rex)
Setting: Fine
Output: A plastic T-Rex with the ability to move on it own, however only when ordered to do so in a calm voice. Has noticeable difficulty balancing and frequently falls over.
Input: Plastic and metal Hotwheels toy car resembling a 2012 Ford Focus.
Setting: Fine
Output: One unbranded toy car of similar construction resembling a NASCAR. Can only be pushed forward and to the left of the viewer; attempting to move it to the right of the viewer is resisted by a force stronger than fifteen personnel simultaneously.
Input: A wooden nutcracker circa 1922.
Setting: Fine
Output: A wooden nutcracker with noticeably increased durability, ease of use, and the appearance of being newly painted and polished. Object is smaller by several milimetres from original input yet mass is consistent.
Input: One 10cm tall JI.Joe action figure
Setting: Fine
Output: One 9cm tall action figure resembling a US Navy Seal circa 2019 with fully articulate joints and no anomalous properties.
Note: Turns out that the nutcracker was actually animate, and will patiently wait until you're distracted in order to bite your fingers. Incinerated. - Veritas
Test 914-1306
Name: Researcher Connolly
Date: 11/12/2019
Total Items: Four pieces of paper, with the words “I will not set 914 to Very Fine” written over and over again.
Note: My punishment was to fill out 914 pieces of paper with those words following the incident with my last test. - Researcher Connolly
Input: One piece of paper
Setting: Rough
Output: A pile of ash, spelling out the words “Very Fine”.
Input: One piece of paper
Setting: Coarse
Output: A crumpled up ball of paper. Contains a drawn image of 914’s setting panel, with Very Fine crossed out.
Input: One piece of paper
Setting: 1:1
Output: A piece of paper, now reading “I will listen blindly to whatever my ‘superiors’ tell me” over and over again. Handwriting is a confirmed match of Researcher Connolly’s.
Note: I swear, I did not write this. - Researcher Connolly
Input: One very fine piece of paper
Setting: Very Fine Fine
Output: One very fine piece of paper, bearing a very fine cognitohazardous symbol. Upon being viewed, causes the viewer to be very fine unconsciously write very fine words the words “Very Fine” into whatever they are very fining writing.
Note: This is very fine exhausting, having to retroactively edit all my notes. - Researcher Very Fine Connolly
Test 914-1307
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 13/12/2019
Total Items: One flag of Ukraine, one map of Kievan Rus at its height
Input: Above items
Setting: 1:1
Output: One flag of Sweden, one map of the Swedish Empire.
Input: Above outputs
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A map of a Swedish Empire which controls the entire Baltic Sea Basin sans Jutland and the Oder, Vistula, Pregolya, and Neman River Basins, in addition to a large colony in North America which extended from the Susquehanna to the Raritan Rivers. Induces an effect where the viewer can only speak in Swedish for three hours.
Not: Det här ger mig huvudvärk. - Dr. Cleveland
Test 914-1308
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 13/12/2019
Total Items: Three chemically treated Stain-Removal ██████-█████ mops
Input: One Stain-Removal mop
Setting: 1:1
Output: One handheld clockwork vacuum cleaner. Work efficiency estimated at close to 90%, where ten turns of a hand-powered crank generates about fifteen to twenty seconds of sustained suction, depending on cranking speed.
Note: This is extremely interesting. Highly intricate craftsmanship and a unique suction chamber design. The whole thing is made from plastic too. Permission to keep this for personal use? It should be safe enough, being a 1:1 output. - J.R. Kai
Note: Have it screened first. We don't know if it starts sucking in oxygen or colleagues after sustained use. - Veritas
Input: One Stain-Removal mop
Setting: Fine
Output: One "914-brand Dust-Removal Mop". Removes dust and grime with 100% efficiency, leaving Junior Researcher Kai's labcoat spotless after accidentally brushing the edge of his labcoat against the mop. Further testing with D-class reveals that dust is removed with a force of 10 Newtons per 1 cm3 of dust, causing minor damage to delicate fabrics and scalps. Testing D-class terminated after accidental removal of dandruff from scalp resulted in unintentional and forcible removal of portions of his scalp.
Input: One Stain-Removal mop
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One small toy fire engine
Note: What? - J.R. Kai
Addendum: The toy appears to be animate and capable of shooting a jet of highly caustic chlorine-based agent at personnel who display unhygienic behaviour. Two researchers were attacked after failing to remove wastepaper from the ground after a test. The output has since been incinerated, at the expense of another hole in the incinerator.
Note: The bill for another repair (and the angry letters from maintenance) will be forwarded to your office, Kai. - Veritas
Test 914-1309
Name: Intern Scott
Date: 13/12/2019
Total Items: 5 cups of water
Note: I ran out of budget, so here goes. - Intern Scott
Input: One cup of water
Setting: Rough
Output: One smashed cup, One puddle of water
Input: One cup of water
Setting: Coarse
Output: One pile of glass. The air quality is reported to have an above average in oxygen and hydrogen
Input: One cup of water
Setting: 1:1
Output: One cup of hydrogen peroxide
Input: One cup of water
Setting: Very fine
Output: One glass cup with no anomalous effects. One glass cup that anomalously fills with water although it drains hydrogen and oxygen out of the air in the room.
Note: Intern Scott suffered Hypoxia after the cup drained the oxygen out of the test room but was recovered due to being spotted unconscious in the room. Cup incinerated.
Test 914-1310
Name: Intern Faris
Date: 14/12/2019
Total Items: Three Gundam model kits, previously constructed by Intern Faris. Made of molded plastic with stickers adding further details.
Note: I'm hoping the number of parts and hand-constructed nature of these models make for a more revealing test of the Coarse setting. - Intern Faris
Input: One Gundam Model
Setting: Coarse
Output: One disassembled model, with each piece laid on the floor of the output booth in order of size. Previously applied stickers were also stuck to the floor in the same order.
Input: One Gundam Model, with the original box, all excess plastic, and three bags from its original packaging included.
Setting: Coarse
Output: One cardboard box identical to the input. Upon opening the box, one bag of 1cm³ blue plastic cubes and one bag of 1mm³ multicoloured plastic cubes were found inside. The type of plastic and colours of which matched those of the original model. Also inside the box was one bag of stickers, the contents of which promptly stuck together upon retrieval from the output booth.
Input: One Gundam Model. An error during construction has caused the left arm to hang limply in its socket.
Setting: Coarse
Output: One Gundam Model. Upon opening the booth, output began anomalously walking towards the door of the containment chamber. Researchers reported hearing melancholic orchestral music playing from an unknown source during this time. For every step taken, one seemingly random piece of the output would detach and fall to the ground. Approximately 52 steps were taken before the legs of the output ceased to function and it fell forward, crawling 3 feet using its arms before breaking apart completely and ceasing all function as the music faded to silence. No further anomalous activity was witnessed during testing.
Note: That went better than half of the tests here. - Junior Researcher Reimer
Note: That also went better than most horror movies made by Hollywood. I’ve retrieved the footage and uploaded it to scipnet. - Junior Researcher Kai
Test 914-1311
Name: Junior Researcher Reimer
Date: 14/12/2019
Total Items: One world map in Robinson Projection (1977, Greenwich Meridian)
Input: World map
Setting: 1:1
Output: World map in Gall-Peters Projection (1995, Mecca Meridian)
Input: Above output
Setting: Fine
Output: World map in Kavrayskiy VII Projection (Oslo Meridian). The year is written as 2031.
Input: Above output
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A world map in Loximuthal Projection. Has an anomalous effect which causes all drawings by compasses to conform to the curvature of the Earth.
Note: Simply put, this thing is non-Euclidean in nature, but drawings on it conform to Euclidean principles with respect to the Earth. Drawing on this map can give you a huge migraine. - Junior Researcher Reimer
Test 914-1312
Name: Culinary Assistant Martinez
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: One unlabeled plastic cup of alcohol found in a bottle at the back of the walk-in cooler of the kitchen.
Note: I know that kitchen staff are not allowed near SCPs, but, I recently found this particular bottle of unidentified alcohol in the rear of the walk-in cooler. I really want to know what it's made of so I can at least ascertain its nature and I decided to write this "test" down so the research staff knows what happened here in case something went wrong. - Martinez
Input: One cup of unidentified alcoholic fluid.
Setting: Coarse
Output: One small pile of small plastic pellets, one puddle of water, one substantial pile of sugar, small cubes of canned fruits from which I can distinguish peaches, pineapple and apricots.
Note: Judging from its taste and the output, it appears that someone tried to make ''pruno''-style wine and forgot about it, leaving it in the cooler. - Martinez
Test 914-1313
Name: Senior Researcher Vivic
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: Four packs of the game Cards Against Humanity, unopened and still in box
Input: One pack of cards
Setting: 1:1
Output: One card game resembling the card game “Apples To Apples”. Profanities have been randomly placed throughout the deck without context. Furthermore, all cards are in black and white only. The original box is also changed and now only possesses the Apple logo on its top.
Input: One pack of cards
Setting: 1:1
Output: The entire pack has been completely translated into Russian with 99% accuracy, with the exception of one profanity.
Input: One pack of cards
Setting: Fine
Output: One card game of very similar nature. However, the title has been changed to “SCPs against Humanity” and features over 400 different SCPs, accessible with various security clearance levels and further jokes about well-known anomalies. The card game is completely safe to play, as no known memetic hazards have been found in the game, although it is highly recommend mandatory that all players undergo amnestics treatment afterwards unless possessing Level-4 clearance or higher.
Note: I hope these are the worst things I'll see for a while. Great game though. - Intern Regal
Note: This card pack is way better than any of the real ones and some of the combos are so twisted, it's beautiful! - Vivic
Note: I don't even think I need to be amnesticized. I don't understand a single one of those cards. It's a good pack though. - Intern Roman
Note: After playing a game with that pack, i'm sticking to the original. - Intern Scott
Input: One pack of cards
Setting: Fine Very Fine
Output: All of the cards in the deck have been replaced with various cognitohazardous symbols. The cards are inert when left alone individually, but when placed side by side, will induce various emotions depending on the symbols used. The title of the box has been changed and simply states “EMOTION” in Comic Sans font with no other information. The effects of viewing a completed pair (a card touching the edge of another card) of two or more cards lasts approximately two minutes.
Addendum: Initial testing has shown that a maximum combination of three cards are generally safe to view. Four or more will, however, cause any type of illness, including migraines, cardiac arrest or stroke. Two- and three-card testing results include the following emotions/feelings being instantaneously transferred to viewers; happiness, sadness, euphoria, sexual stimulation, minor pain, sense of entitlement, loss of sensation, curiosity and pride among others. All effects last a maximum of 120 seconds from last viewing.
Test 914-1314
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: Three 1.8m tall artificial Christmas trees, 1000 heads each and completely made from polyvinyl chloride (PVC) and aluminium
Input: Three Christmas trees
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One 2.5m tall artificial Christmas tree, anomalously pine-scented and pre-decorated with baubles, plastic snow lining and a large golden gear at the top in place of the usual star. The tree has the minor memetic compulsion of making everyone compliment its decorations and quality.
Note: The tree reminds me of Pines' office. It would look really, really good at the entrance to the Personnel Building, don't you think? - J.R. Kai
Note: Aside from the obvious dangers of the tree suddenly becoming animate and attacking research personnel, it does look quite nice. I'm really surprised this test didn't turn out worse. Perhaps we might just put it in the parking lot after it clears anomalous hazard screening. - Dr. Cahill
Test 914-1315
Name: Dr. Meyer
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: Six square meters of Christmas themed wrapping paper.
Input: One square meter of wrapping paper
Setting: Rough
Output: Tattered and slightly burnt wrapping paper
Input: One square meter of wrapping paper
Setting: 1:1
Output: Same amount of wrapping paper as the input, now with a Hanukkah themed design.
Note: Well, we Jews don’t exchange gifts during Hanukkah, but this is nice nonetheless. – Dr. Meyer
Input: Remaining wrapping paper
Setting: Fine
Output: The same amount of paper as the input, but it will now wrap around anything it touches. If there isn't enough wrapping paper to cover the object, the output will stop trying immediately.
Note: Leaving me wrapped up for nearly half an hour was absolutely unnecessary and unprofessional. Snickering and taking pictures is also considered unprofessional. – Dr. Meyer
Test 914-1316
Name: Intern Roman
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: Six miniature bottles of bubble mix, one bottle of apple champagne, two rolls of streamers.
Note: Accelerated foundation courses are harder than they look. Luckily, it's New Years time, Roman family-style. - Intern Roman
Input: One bottle of apple champagne, two packages of bubbles.
Setting: Fine
Output: A nonfunctional water gun made of glass. The cartridge is filled with the champagne. After the D-Class retrieving the output dropped it on the floor, it shattered, and it was discovered that the bubbles and champagne had been mixed to create a small explosion. Testing was briefly suspended to clean up.
Note: On second thought, putting those two in together may have been a bad idea. - Intern Roman
Input: Two bottles of bubbles, one roll of streamers.
Setting: 1:1
Output: Two empty bottles made of shredded streamers, one roll of streamers made of the plastic from the bottles and the soap mix. The roll is a pastel purple, and flexible enough to hang up. Placed in the break room after proving non-anomalous.
Input: Two bottles of bubbles, one roll of streamers
Setting: Fine
Output: Upon opening the output channel, a loud bang sounded and the streamers flew out of the output booth, leaving a trail of bubbles behind them. Output neutralized when the D-Class retrieving it panicked and stomped on it repeatedly. Remains incinerated.
Test 914-1317
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 18/12/2019
Total Items: Three standard Monopoly board game box sets, boxes unopened.
Note: With all the different versions of this game they've made, finding the basic version proved a lot more difficult than I thought it would. -Prof. Wren
Input: One box.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One box, "Monopoly (Foundation Edition)." The pieces are modeled after various high-ranking Foundation personnel or infamous SCPs. Properties are replaced with locations at various sites, while the "Chance" and "Community Chest" cards have all text replaced with cognitohazardous symbols directing the player's actions. The "Go to Jail" space reads "Demote to D-Class" while the "Jail/Just Visiting" space is replaced with "D-Class/Just Researching." According to the rules, a player who is demoted to D-Class and fails to "get out of jail" within 3 turns is considered terminated and removed from the game.
Note: Just as a precaution, we scanned the pieces to make sure none of them bore 096's face. One of them had a 32% possibility and was incinerated. -Prof. Wren
Input: One box.
Setting: Fine
Output: A handbag made out of the game materials. The majority of the bag is cardboard with plastic trim. A pewter label on the clasp reads "I.N. Vogue."
Note: The design is admittedly pretty chic, and I get that I and N are the 9th and 14th letters of the alphabet, so clever naming job there, but a cardboard purse? Really? -Prof. Wren
Input: One box.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A folded up game board. When opened, it projects a 3D cognitohazardous symbol by unknown means; looking at the symbol leaves the viewer with an intense urge to buy and sell stocks, bonds, properties, and other high-value commodities, while simultaneously imparting knowledge of particular commodities that would give higher profit. Duration of effect currently unknown.
Note: Director Hackett, just hear me out for a minute! I know you're not all that keen on the idea of the world learning about what we do, but if we put the Foundation on the stock market and came clean on all the anomalous stuff we keep secured, we'd have millions of people around the world buying into it and before you know OW!! -Prof. Wren
Note: Dr. Veritas discovered that the effect could be counteracted by means of smacking an afflicted individual across the back of the head and telling them to "knock it off already." Thanks boss. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-1318
Name: Dr. Noelle Cahill
Date: 20/12/2019
Total Items: One mixtape of an assortment of Christmas-related songs
Note: Hello everyone! I'm finally back. - Dr. Cahill
Input: One mixtape
Setting: Fine
Output: Unchanged mixtape, but all songs have been re-recorded and sung by various members of Site-19 Facility-23 personnel. Of note is "Last Christmas" by Dr. Veritas in the style commonly referred to as "death metal", who has also vehemently denied ever doing such a thing.
Note: I'll be re-recording this mixtape on a more modern medium and giving a copy to everyone for Christmas. Wren and Darby did a really good rendition of "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Also, Veritas, do you want one too? - Dr. Cahill
Note: Leave. - Veritas
Note: Singing isn't exactly my forte, but "Wrapped in Red" by Kelly Clarkson, in an R&B genre, does feel like it. I'd give it a go later. - Junior Researcher Reimer
Note: Not exactly good at singing but I'm not that bad either. "Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues sounded kind of alright. - Intern Scott
Note: I can't believe that 914 thought that an electronic remix of "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" was a good idea. I couldn't sing very well in the first place, but this is so far out of my range that it's ridiculous. - Intern Roman
Note: I'm going to presume that rendition of "Christmas Bells" is either me or 914 itself, given it sounds like it's being played on 914's "tabernacle guitar" creation. Test 914-0658 if I recall correctly. - Prof. Wren
Note: I get out of the infirmary for the first time in months, and the first thing I hear is me singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” in four-part harmony. Not a bad gift. - Researcher MacLean
Note: I have a hard time believing my voice could make such a good rendition of "It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas". That being said, I do look forward to going through all of it again… - Intern Regal
Note: What the hell…? My song is a direct recording of my 5th grade holiday concert… I swear that was lost to history! Can I get a copy too? Who knows, 914 might have even gotten some video on there. - Junior Researcher Koop
Note: I don't sing, but yet it dug up both my 6th grade winter concert when I was in chorus and a winter concert from my college's wind ensemble. Both concerts have "Sleigh Ride" in common, which is neat. Though I hate my 6th grade voice. - Junior Researcher McLaif
Note: I overheard Dr. Veritas ranting in his office and I quote, "I detest Christmas songs. Why are they always the same ones as well?" You should probably keep the original mixtape far, far away from him, Noelle. - Junior Researcher Kai
Note: No Kai, the only way to make a man love something is to shove it in his face. But, someone else can try that, I'm not losing my job. Also, the fact that 914 somehow got a recording of me singing "White Christmas" in the shower terrifies me to a level no other SCP ever has. - Junior Researcher Pines
Note: To whoever decided it would be funny to stick a hidden speaker that would automatically play me singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" (the full song, with all the verses) when there wasn't movement for exactly 420 seconds outside Dr. Veritas' office, it was funny the first 3 times. It's stopped being funny. Please stop placing new ones. Don't say it was you either, I believe that Veritas might literally kill the person that started it. In other news, figgy pudding is available in the break room. Also, merry Christmas y'all. - Intern Lunar.
Note: An a capella remix of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's instrumental version of "Christmas / Sarajevo 12/24" and several winter-themed video game soundtracks… it actually sounds pretty good. Not entirely sure who's singing, but 914 clearly knew who would do it well. - Intern Snevets
Test 914-1319
Note: This test was unauthorized.
Name: Intern Roman
Date: 21/12/2019
Total Items: One silver locket containing a picture of Intern Roman and his mother █████ Roman at the baach [sic], one silver necklace chain, three letters addressed to I. Roman from his mom mother, one paper lily in a glass vase
Input: The above
Setting: Fine
Output: A dragonfly [DATA SMUDGED]he body is made out of all of the paper is [sic] the output, the ink from the picture used to write █████ Roman's name across the thorax. The velnss [sic] in the wings are lined [DATA SMUDGED] wire made from the locket and chain, and the spaces between are filled in with glass. The remoinder [sic] was gath[DATA SMUDGED] the side.
Note: Requesting a week's leaeve [sic] from tsting [sic] and classes. - Int[DATA SMUDGED]
Note: J.R. Koop found a sheet of paper left beside 914's output booth detailing this test, along with the remnants of the input. I transcribed this as directly as I could from that paper, as the results were poorly written and tearstained. Also of note is that I. Roman had received a call from his father approximately ten minutes before, informing him of █████ Roman's death. - Archivist ███████
Note: I spotted Roman drinking a lot of alcohol while leaving the test chamber. Is he alright? - J.R. Koop
Note: Roman is scheduled for psychiatric evaluation at Director Hackett's request when he returns. - Veritas
Test 914-1320
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: One "New Year's 2020" hat, one bottle of champagne, one SDXC card containing a video collection of different New Year's celebrations, including fireworks displays, the NYC ball drop and various parties, an assortment of various fireworks.
Input: Above items
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A "914-brand New Year's Cannon," consisting of a barrel made from cardboard, a pressure and firing chamber containing an anomalous liquid that is always actively carbonated and pressurized and a drawstring trigger, presumably taken from the hat. Visually similar to cannons used during the Battle of Yorktown. One USB drive containing a video montage of the 2050 New Year's celebration. Includes video clips of New York City's ball drop, several parties, holographic firework shows and [REDACTED].
Note: I got permission from Johnson to fire this out at the range (with supervision, of course,) and by 343 it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. The displays look so crisp and I made sure there were no anomalous memetic effects that were affecting me. Requesting to fire this at the party in a few weeks? - Koop
Note: Party? - Veritas
Test 914-1321
Name: Weapons Researcher Markham
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: Three pamphlets of the Westboro Baptist Church
Input: One of the pamphlets
Setting: 1:1
Output: A pamphlet of the Cogwork Orthodoxy
Input: One of the pamphlets
Setting: Fine
Output: A map of a hypothetical scenario involving part of the United States, Canada, Mexico, Guatemala, Belize, Cuba, and the Bahamas from our timeline being mass teleported to the world of The Handmaid's Tale.
Input: One of the pamphlets
Setting: Very Fine
Output: The same pamphlet, except that the content were rearranged in a manner that results in the Westboro Baptist Church criticizing itself in the manner of Loriot.
Note: It still is homophobic, but in a satirically subtle way. The puns are funny once you ignore the bigotry. - WR Markham
Input: The output pamphlet of the Cogwork Orthodoxy
Setting: 1:1
Output: A pamphlet of the Taliban
Input: Above output
Setting: Fine
Output: A map of all territory that was at one point controlled by an Islamic nation, with a title that reads "Lands of the House of Mansour". The nation is marked with the following labels: "Spanish Empire", "Union of Portugal", "Amazigh Nation", "Autonomous Sokoto Caliphate", "Kingdom of Sicily", "Dominion of Egypt", "Holy State of Lebanon and Palestine", "Emirate of Arabia", "Union of Mesopotamia, Kuwait, and Al-Ahsa", "Commonwealth of Persia", "Autonomous Crown of Saint Stephen", "Greek-Ottoman Empire", "United States of Guinea", "Somali State", "Commonwealth of Pakistan", "State of Malaya and Majapahit", "United Emirates of Zanzibar and Comoros", "Emirate of Bukhara", "Council State of Kirgizia", "Islamic State of Ichkeria", and "Bolghar Khanate".
Note: This is clearly an Taliban wank that fits ISIL's territorial ambitions yet completely derails their extremist ideals into ethnonationalism. I mean, a Christian name for one of the lands of an Islamic Caliphate? Feel ashamed, 914, you have to. - WR Markham
Test 914-1322
Name: Intern Scott
Date: 17/12/2019
Total Items: 3 piles of synthetic red fox fur
Input: One pile of fur
Setting: 1:1
Output: One pile of synthetic badger fur
Input: One pile of fur
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One fur amulet, that when worn causes the user to anomalously morph into a specimen of Vulpes vulpes (Common Red Fox).
Note: Intern Scott was transformed when he retrieved the item from the output chamber and was retrieved and put into holding cell until he reverted back to his original appearance approximately two hours later. The intern was visibly distressed after his transformation and has requested a leave of absence and a dose of Class-A amnestic. The first was approved but the amnestic request has been temporarily denied until he has been interrogated and completed a basic psychiatric evaluation.
Note: Turns out that having your bones, muscle tissue and organs transmorphed to those of an animal hurts like hell. Who would have thought it? Item incinerated. Amnestic request approved. - Veritas
Test 914-1323
Name: Junior Researcher Reimer
Date: 23/12/2019
Total Items: Two CD copies of the Kelly Clarkson album Wrapped in Red, one empty LAR Grizzly Win Mag pistol
Input: Wrapped in Red
Setting: Fine
Output: One CD copy of Merry Christmas by Mariah Carey
Input: Wrapped in Red, LAR Grizzly Win Mag pistol
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A LAR Grizzly Win Mag pistol with a silencer installed. Testing showed that for every bullet fired, 29 seconds of music from Wrapped in Red is played. Fired bullets retain the speed and penetration as fired from a normal pistol of the same build.
Note: Apparently it defines the album by the International Deluxe Edition, instead of the Standard Edition that I used as the input. Given 107 bullets, you would end up playing the entire album with a length of 51 minutes and 43 seconds, then it loops over and over again. Still, it's a monstrosity for the Christmas season. - JR Reimer
Test 914-1324
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 23/12/2019
Total Items: One hard drive containing a program that is designed to take up as much memory from a computer, slowing it down. One note reading, "Are you ok [sic] 914?"
Input: Hard drive
Setting: Fine
Output: Nothing. No unusual amounts of trace elements were detected.
Note: Oh god, did I break it? Veritas will be pissed. - Koop
Input: Above note
Setting: Fine
Output: Hard drive that physically removes memory from a computer. It is unknown where the memory cards go when they disappear. All removed memory anomalously teleport to Site-19 Server Room ████-██. One note saying "Sorry! The 914 service for refining items is currently undergoing a system overload. Please try again in [COGNITOHAZARD REDACTED] minutes."
Note: Thanks for the extra memory (some of the servers here are in need of upgrades), but I'm not sure I'm allowed to use these. You'll be getting them back with the next supply delivery. - Network Technician Hobb
Test 914-1325
Name: Intern Scott
Date: 23/12/2019
Total Items: Five paper crowns
Input: One crown
Setting: Rough
Output: One crumpled ball of paper
Input: One crown
Setting: Coarse
Output: Shredded pieces of paper
Input: One crown
Setting: 1:1
Output: One paper party hat, fell apart due to excessive thinness of material
Input: One crown
Setting: Fine
Output: One paper crown that when worn, causes the user to express joy and eagerness to partake in festive activities.
Note: I bet Dr. Veritas would love this. - Intern Scott
Input: One crown
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One paper party hat that anomalously teleports and attaches itself to the head of a person who has done something wrong. It cannot be taken off unless the wearer tells his superior what he has done wrong. It also has the word 'dunce' burned onto the front.
Note: It stuck to me for three hours before I told Dr. Veritas that I set the crown from the previous test above his door so that when he opened it, it would drop onto his head. After that conversation, it flew off my head. - Intern Scott
Test 914-1326
Name: Dr. Mockenhaupt
Date: 23/12/2019
Total Items: One flashlight with two AA batteries
Input: Above mentioned
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One green flashlight that changes color every 0.5 seconds
Note: Really? That’s Very Fine? I expected more. - Dr. Mockenhaupt
Note: Dr. Mockenhaupt was killed 5 seconds after adding the above note. The cause of death was a rapidly growing tumor inside his brain.
Note: Well, that's something. - J.R. Koop
Note: Looks like this thing is a cognitohazard. I just used liquid nitrogen and a hammer to neutralize it. - WR Markham
Test 914-1327
Name: Researcher Laskenta; D-78607
Date: 24/12/2019
Total Items: Several damaged memory devices
Note: Like last time, all used items belong to Foundation personnel, who asked me to retrieve their data. Since all data-recovery failed and the data is not important enough to use other anomalous machinery, I will use 914 as my very last attempt to get the files back. -Laskenta
Input: One Foundation flash drive (USB 3.1 Stick; 128GB), comminuted
Setting: Fine
Output: A mended circuit board. The fractures have been moulded together using a combination of the plastic from the hull and the metal from the socket. Since the board is missing any inlet, no data can be read from it.
Addendum: A socket has been soldered onto the test result to further inspect it. The output is a fully functional data storage device with 128GB of storage space. It includes a partition encoded with the default Foundation filesystem without any data. No anomalous features have been found.
Input: One Foundation external hard drive (backup drive; 4TB), damaged by hot punch
Setting: Fine
Output: A device constructed out of the materials from the input. The output consists of a metallic box and a plastic bowl on top of the box. Any attempt to open the box or scan its insides has met with failure. The bowl can only be filled with punch; any other non-gaseous object will be repelled by anomalous means. Any punch filled into the bowl will anomalously abscond at a speed of ~50ml/sec. While the bowl is filled with punch, one of two sounds (914Hz & 9140Hz) will emanate from the inside of the box. The sequence in which the sounds play correlates with the bits originally saved on the input. To get all information back that has been stored on the input it would need 6.87hm³ (Cubic hectometres) of punch and more than 4000 years.
Note: The next test includes a perfectly functional RAM. I have been asked by ███ ███████, who forgot to save their latest protocol, to recover this document for them. Despite several attempts to explain that the recovery is almost impossible, they have insisted on this test. -Laskenta
Input: One Foundation double data rate synchronous dynamic random-access memory (16GB)
Setting: Fine
Output: One disk constructed out of the materials from the input, representing a fragile round business card CD. The output is anomalously capable of storing around 560EB (Exabytes) of data. The test result contains a .txt file with instructions in at least 58 different languages to save data in at least 84 different programs and operating systems. To date no other anomalous features have been found.
Note: Permission to give this to ███ ███████, when the check-up is finished and no sensitive/anomalous data was found? -Laskenta
Note: Granted, if Rosen allows it. - Veritas
Test 914-1328
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 24/12/2019
Total Items: Three forged carbon steel pickaxes
Note: Had a conversation with Researcher Darby about potentially world-ending outputs from 914. This is the result of our discussion. - J.R. Kai
Input: One pick
Setting: Fine
Output: One plastic-headed and steel-handled pick, anomalously atomises a single layer of whatever material it makes contact with. Continuous usage results in disintegration of user’s hands and pick efficiency rated at 0.3%. Incinerated.
Input: One pick
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One plate with grooves on its side, superficially resembling an ancient Greek discus. Capable of anomalously penetrating six metres of concrete, or nine D-class personnel, when thrown. Tentatively left in Anomalous Storage, pending review by Site Management.
Note: How that thing managed to blitz through the wall of Research Cell 109-B and 6 metres into the ground of the parking lot completely stumps me. - J.R. Kai
Input: One pick
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One small lump of unidentified material. The output, for lack of a better word, burrowed through both the hands of the D-class personnel sent to retrieve the output and into the ground of Research Cell 109-B. Object estimated to be burrowing at a speed of approximately 10 kilometres per hour and will reach the core of the Earth in 290 hours, assuming it remains undamaged by extreme pressures and temperatures on the way down.
Note: The Geology Department and Dr. Veritas both want to have a word with you. I think you know which meeting to look forward too. Also, what am I supposed to do with the frisbee of death? - Dr. Cahill
Note: Destructo-frisbee. Can I… - J.R. Kai
Note: No. Someone please think of a safe way to destroy it. Quickly. - Dr. Cahill
Note: Scans show that it burned up before it reached the core. That could have been extremely bad. - Sedna
Test 914-1329
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 25/12/2019
Total Items: One Nerf N-Strike Stryfe, one Nerf Rival Prometheus, one empty donut box
Note: I accidentally duplicated my Amazon order and I also want to make another SCP-458, but with donuts. - Koop
Input: Nerf N-Strike Stryfe
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One plastic rifle visually similar to an AUG, one 50 round magazine capable of holding either standard 45mm rounds or Nerf Elite darts. When fired, standard rounds will act like Nerf Elite darts, fishtailing and clocking at ≈75 FPS; while Nerf Elite darts act like 45mm rounds, staying very accurate and clocking at ≈3,100 FPS.
Note: That's… one way to kill a D-Class… - Koop
Input: Nerf Rival Prometheus
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One 20 centimeter tall plastic statuette of Prometheus with a handgun. Handgun appears to be functional when loaded with 9mm rounds or Nerf Rival rounds. Both types of ammo work the same.
Note: Requesting to keep this for self defense. It passed the weapons test, after all. - Koop
Note: That's hilarious, Koop. - Veritas
Input: Donut box
Setting: Very Fine
Output One donut box identical in function as SCP-458. When opened, a dozen of the user's favorite donut(s) appear. Item placed in break room. One donut box producing a cognitohazardous effect when opening it, making the user think that their favorite donuts are inside. Effect wears off after 5 minutes of closing the box. Item incinerated.
Note: Tough luck. - Koop
Test 914-1330
Name: Dr. Zavalosa
Date: 26/12/2019
Total Items: One Khopesh, One Katana
Note: I have returned from my travels. It was a nice break but I definitely missed Facility-23's unique charm. I believe this test will be particularly interesting; a Khopesh is a hooked single-edged sword that was wielded by the ancient Egyptians while a Katana is a curved single-edged sword that was wielded by the ancient samurai of Medieval Japan. - Dr. Zavalosa
Note: Fantastic. Zavalosa returns and the first thing he's testing are weapons. - Veritas
Input: One Khopesh
Setting: 1:1
Output: One Gladius
Note: The Gladius is a double-edged sword, just a tad longer than the Khopesh. It was wielded by ancient Romans during the era where Rome conquered most of the Mediterranean. The only similarity I can see between the Khopesh and the Gladius is that both are swords. It could be random, but I'm theorizing that the connection is due to both weapons being wielded by the common soldier of the respective era and region. - Dr. Zavalosa
Input: One Katana
Setting: 1:1
Output: One scaled-down version of the Accuracy International Arctic Warfare, non-functional
Note: I believe that adds to my theory on the wielder associated with the weapon. The AIAW is a weapon designed for use in cold climate situations for snipers, in other words, the elite. Samurai were considered the elite combatsmen for Medieval Japan, which is likely why this refinement occurred. - Dr. Zavalosa
Note: It's quite… small. Given the amount of metal that was in the input, I'm not that surprised by the size of the output. Although… have you seen the quality of the tamahagane? The rifle doesn't even need a paint job to look absolutely amazing. - J.R. Kai
Test 914-1331
Name: Jr. Researcher Andrada
Date: 26/12/2019
Total Items: One printed photograph on standard printer paper (a ''selfie'' of Jr. Researcher Andrada) with a note written on the photograph in red ink, stating "Hello, I'm Junior Researcher Maria Andrada, and I'm going to be working with SCP-914." Five 'male' unadorned store mannequins of identical make.
Input: Photograph of Jr. Researcher Andrada.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One printed photograph on standard printer paper, of a white female approximately the same age as Andrada, wearing a Foundation lab coat and identification badge. A note is written on the surface in red ink, stating "Hi 914~ I'm Jr. Researcher Leia Hope, and I'm going to be working with you from now on!" Facial recognition tests proved inconclusive; records indicate no such individual being currently employed by the Foundation.
Note: Rough and Coarse settings for mannequin tests removed for brevity, as they yielded expected results and were conducted solely for the purposes of control. - Jr. Researcher Andrada
Input: One mannequin
Setting: 1:1
Output: One 'female' mannequin, clothed. Excess plastic material appears to have been re-purposed towards synthetic hair and a solid plastic swimsuit of the same color as the mannequin itself
Input: One mannequin
Setting: Fine
Output: One male mannequin, nearly identical in appearance to the input, save for being 10 centimeters shorter, and having flexible joints, rendering the mannequin pose-able.
Input: One mannequin
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Two mannequins, one 'female' and one 'male.' Both specimens are half the mass of the original input, with crotch areas being covered by plastic fig leaves, similar to European Renaissance depictions of Adam and Eve. Each is posed so that one hand is reaching out to their side. Specimens are immobile, but if the hands are touched together, a plastic pear appears held between them. If the specimens are pulled apart, the pear vanishes; if the pear is removed from the hands of the mannequins, it remains in existence, but no new pear will be produced until it is placed back in the joined hands of the specimens.
Test 914-1332
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 28/12/2019
Total Items: Five pairs of Nintendo Switch "Joy-con" controllers.
Note: Warranty ran out, and I'm not paying any more money to get them repaired. They all have "stick drift," where the control sticks malfunction by outputting movement to the console despite no one touching the stick. Honestly, I was tempted to just throw these all in on Rough and call it a day. - J.R. Koop
Input: One pair of Joy-cons
Setting: Coarse
Output: One pair of Joy-cons, neatly disassembled
Note: Wow, that was actually helpful 914! - J.R. Koop
Input: Two pairs of Joy-cons
Setting: 1:1
Output: One Nintendo Switch Pro Controller with complete functionality, albeit more brittle, due to a lack of plastic casing.
Input: One pair of Joy-cons
Setting: Fine
Output:: One "914-brand Megacon for Switch," which appears to to be both Joy-cons fused in the middle, with the connector rail at the bottom of the controller. Testing shows that it is less susceptible to damage and malfunction. However, it is practically useless, as it has an input delay of 914 seconds when used wirelessly, and effectively forces the user into using their Nintendo Switch sideways if connected, as the controller is physically connected sideways normally.
Note: Not as useful, I guess. That is one of the weirdest peripherals I've seen for the Switch, and that's saying something, as you can play Mario Kart with a slime and cardboard now. - J.R. Koop
Input: One pair of Joy-cons
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One pair of Joy-cons with stick drift permanently removed. However, it was noted that whenever the sticks were moved, the controller would slowly move in that relative direction at approximately 3.17 centimeters per second. Item retained in anomalous storage pending further possible use as a perpetual motion generator. Item incinerated.
Note: Alright 914, I gotta admit you got me there. Maybe we can put this thing on a treadmill and power stuff? - J.R. Koop
Note: No. The energy output would be so low you might as well just make a potato battery. It moves slower for every 100 kilograms of resistance as well. - Chief Electrician █████
Test 914-1333
Name: Dr. ██████ Monroe
Date: 28/12/2019
Total Items: Five ULINE™ brand high-visibility vests(lime green), with reflective tape.
Input: One high-visibility vest
Setting: Rough
Output: A pile of shredded white fabric and reflective tape, and a pool of green dye. Very hot to the touch and slightly burnt.
Input: One high-visibility vest
Setting: Coarse
Output: One lime green vest and 1 roll of reflective tape, neatly separated.
Input: One high-visibility vest
Setting: 1:1
Output: One KwikSafety™ brand high-visibility vest, bright orange with reflective tape.
Input: One high-visibility vest
Setting: Fine
Output: One high-visibility vest with an appearance identical to the input. Has the anomalous property of emitting its own light, making it far more effective for use in low light environments.
Note: It becomes brighter than the environment with a factor of around 10x the amount of lumen. Translation: ''Do not expose this to sunlight unless you want to lose your eyesight''. I wasn't there, but security tells me that everyone managed to look away before any serious damage could occur when the junior researcher walked by a window. We had to deploy a blind D-Class to retrieve it and put the damned box over it. Placed in dark storage. - Veritas
Input: One high-visibility vest
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One high-visibility vest with an appearance identical to the input. Can be seen through walls, regardless of material or thickness. Testing shows that this effect is noticeable at distances of up to one hundred meters.
Note: The effect is rather disconcerting. It's very difficult to write a report when you can somehow see a high-viz vest superimposed over your monitor. - J.R. Kai
Note: This was extremely distracting to work with, but Sedna asked if I could store it without destroying it. The effect ceases when you put it in a box where every surface inwards is mirrored. Placed in storage. - Veritas
Test 914-1334
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: Three carbon-fiber miniature golf putters, all broken.
Note: Not to say I have anger issues when it comes to mini-golf, but [REDACTED] has asked me never to visit their establishment again. In my defense, though, hole 7 is complete [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. -Prof. Wren
Note: Hole 7 isn’t that bad. You just have to get enough power to get it over the bank but not too much or else it flies over the hole and into the water. - Intern Scott.
Input: Two halves of a putter.
Setting: Fine
Output: A ball-peen hammer. The shaft is made from the carbon-fiber and compressed to deliver increased durability, and is wrapped with the foam rubber from the handle for grip. The head is made from the plastic of the putter head, rendering the tool useless.
Input: The handle-side halves of two putters.
Setting: Fine
Output: A carbon-fiber walking stick.
Note: Something cool but useless, followed by something rather practical. Given 914's history with us, I expect this next test will give us something either completely weird, dangerously lethal, or both. -Prof. Wren
Input: The head-side halves of two putters.
Setting: Fine
Output: A carbon-fiber boomerang. Upon the output booth opening, the object flew out; object was clocked at 37 km/h on exit, slowing to a stall 4.2 seconds later before flying directly at Prof. Wren's position in the observation area at speeds exceeding 113 km/h before lodging itself into the wall. Further testing found that, regardless of the direction the boomerang is thrown, upon reaching the "stall" point of its trajectory it will redirect itself in Prof. Wren's direction. Object successfully destroyed after 3 attempts to place it in the incinerator failed due to it being thrown in rather than dropped.
Note: I'm gonna mark that one as "both." Also as "slightly concerning." -Prof. Wren
Test 914-1335
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: One map each of Nazi Germany, the Second Polish Republic, the Kingdom of Hungary, and the Slovak State as of August 1939
Input: Map of Nazi Germany
Setting: Fine
Output: A map of a "German National Republic", with most of the Nazi era borders. The only notable exceptions are that the Memelland remains Lithuanian, Plzeň, Ostrava and Sopron are part of Germany, while Danzig and all of Poland north of the Netze/Noteć River and the Bydgoszcz Canal is designated as a condominium.
Input: Map of the Second Polish Republic
Setting: Fine
Output: A map of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth in 1610.
Note: I mean, 914 isn't wrong in this regard. - Dr. Cleveland
Input: Map of the Kingdom of Hungary
Setting: Fine
Output: A crude origami of the Holy Crown of Hungary.
Note: Fine? What are you implying, 914? - J.R. Kai
Note: That the Kingdom of Hungary is perfect the way it was? That's my take at it. - JR Reimer
Note: Reminding all personnel not to assign opinions to the inanimate object. - Veritas
Input: Map of the Slovak State
Setting: Fine
Output: A detailed map of a "Free City of Danubia, Capital of the United Terran States", with demographic data included. Further analysis based on road layout indicates that with a 95 percent confidence, Danubia is an alternate version of Bratislava.
Test 914-1336
Name: Junior Researcher Stephen Monroe
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: Three 90ml aluminum canisters pressurized with the industrial lubricant WD-40.
Input: One can of WD-40.
Setting: Rough
Output: A smoking puddle consisting of molten aluminum and WD-40, with a shredded label floating on top.
Input: One can of WD-40.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One 90ml bottle of Trojan lubricant.
Input: One can of WD-40.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One aluminum 90ml canister, simply labelled "SUPERLUBE." Testing of this output has revealed several anomalous properties. The container seems to be an infinite supply of a substance similar to WD-40. However, it has been discovered that this substance causes surfaces to have negative friction when it is applied to them. The exact coefficients of friction are still under calculation.
Note: This new substance has the potential to be very dangerous. In one test, a sliding lead block continued to accelerate past a velocity of 243 km/h before smashing through the steel chamber wall. Luckily, there were no injuries. - J.R. Monroe
Note: You might have one after speaking to Dr. Veritas. - Intern Scott
Test 914-1337
Name: Researcher MacLean
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: One AWP, one 6-Pack of Mountain Dew, three hard drives containing a compilation of two decades’ worth of internet ''memes'', one iPad.
Note: Considering it’s the end of the decade, I think it’s about time we looked back. 20 years of memes, comics, and cartoons are contained in those drives. Who’s ready for 20 more? - Researcher MacLean
Note: Great to see that professional conduct is still intact, MacLean. - Veritas
Input: One AWP, one hard drive
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One AWP, coloured dark green rather than black. The hard drive appears to have been incorporated into the gun’s chassis. A voice will be emitted from an unknown source when handling the gun, typically either insulting what it perceives as enemy groups, or relating to its operation. The voice appears to be sentient, and is capable of conversation. Placed in Anomalous Storage.
Input: One 6-Pack of Mountain Dew, one hard drive
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One 6-Pack of Mountain Dew ''Game Fuel'', one blank hard drive. Upon drinking one of the cans, the drinker will begin to use slang used in various memes. The type of slang will change depending on which can is drunk from. The cans refill themselves via an unknown method directly from the Pepsi-Cola factory in Columbus, via a wormhole on the inside of the can. Objects placed in Anomalous Storage.
Addendum: Testing has shown that the voice-affecting anomaly is connected to the cans, not the soda, as pouring the soda into a glass will neutralize the effect.
Input: One iPad, one hard drive
Setting: Fine
Output: One Tablet using an unknown OS, containing what appears to be more than 128 Terabytes of pictures, comics, and animations in varying states of completion produced during the previous two decades. The large amount of data on the device appears to be possible due to an extremely efficient type of data compression. The tablet has been placed in the break room.
Test 914-1338
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: Three ██████-brand paper-tube fireworks
Note: There was a note stuck across the doors of Research Cell 109-B.
Give us a break. - Maintenance
This should be a relatively safe test as I will only be using the 1:1 setting. - J.R. Kai
Input: One paper-tube firework
Setting: 1:1
Output: One visually unchanged paper-tube firework that when launched, exploded and anomalously formed the Foundation seal.
Note: Aww, that’s real nice of you, 914. - J.R. Kai
Input: One paper-tube firework
Setting: 1:1
Output: One "Roman candle" firework
Input: One paper-tube firework
Setting: 1:1
Output: One miniature origami missile battery that fired hundreds of tiny sparklers at Junior Researcher Kai when he went to retrieve the output. Nearby personnel reported being affected by a cognitohazard that caused them to believe actual missiles were flying out of the output booth. All accompanying feelings of dread were determined to be non-anomalous in nature. JR Kai is being treated for minor burns.
Note: Ouch. - J.R. Kai
Test 914-1339
Name: Senior Researcher Vil
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: Two anart pieces recovered in the last [REDACTED] raid.
Note: Welcome back, Vil. - J.R. Kai
Note: Let's test 914's capability of refining anart. -Vil
Input: A painting of an animate clockwork.
Setting: Fine
Output: A painting of the Big Ben. The clock in the painting consistently tells the same time in London.
Input: A painting of a Senior Researcher's Office. Painting has the anomalous property of inducing mild hallucinations when the owner smiles.
Setting: Coarse
Output: A non-anomalous painting of Senior Researcher Vil walking to the exit door of Facility 23.
Note: Ominous. - J.R. Kai
Test 914-1340
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: One MicroSD card containing the video game "Fortnite Battle Royale," one standard FN SCAR-H
Input: Above items
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One functioning SCAR-H, painted similarly to the "legendary" assault rifle variant in Fortnite Battle Royale. When fired at a person, a health bar appears above their heads and in the victim's vision. For every body shot, 36 damage is dealt to the health bar, while headshots deal 72 damage. The victim does not experience any injury while being shot by the rifle, but they will die instantly once their health reaches 0. It should be noted that the firearm has a yellow-gold glow. Item placed in Anomalous Storage.
Note: I took a walk around the Facility while it was loaded with blanks. However, I feel the need to ask - is it normal that Dr. Veritas has over 20,000 health points? - J.R. Kai
Note: Boss fight. On another note, D-Class doesn't grow on trees and Koop could have expected this result. Replacement of said D-Class will come out of his paycheck to let this sink in. - Veritas
Test 914-1341
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 02/01/2020
Total Items: Five go-karts
Note: I don't think we've tried out motorized vehicles before. Most would be too big, of course, but I think we can squeeze these in if we're careful. -Prof. Wren
Input: One go-kart
Setting: Rough
Output: A severely damaged go-kart.
Note: It looks like it's been through a crash? -Prof. Wren
Input: One go-kart
Setting: Coarse
Output: A go-kart hull next to a pile of cleanly separated parts.
Note: About what I expected from Coarse. -Prof. Wren
Input: One go-kart
Setting: 1:1
Output: One disproportional and extremely lightweight racing motorbike. Testing shows that it is operational, although extremely difficult to handle due to its small weight.
Input: One go-kart
Setting: Fine
Output: A polished go-kart and a pile of dust. Testing shows an increase of 200% in its maximum power output, however fuel consumption is increased at all speeds.
Note: It consumes fuel even if it's not being used. Please keep its tank empty. -Prof. Wren
Input: One go-kart
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A visually unchanged go-kart. Testing shows that its steering is anomalously responsive and sharp, allowing turns as sharp as 180° even at maximum speed (the kart and driver seem to be unaffected by air resistance or the law of inertia). In addition, subjects driving the kart report to perceive time at a lower speed, allowing the driver to react to hazards preliminarily and execute maneuvers that would normally be impossible.
Note: Item destroyed when a D-Class driving attempted to escape and had to be terminated, causing it to crash. Shame, really. I would've wanted to try it out. -Prof. Wren
Note: According to the autopsy report, the D-Class was estimated to be about seven to ten years older than when he was recruited. Since he was only here for a few weeks, it seems like that time dilation took a toll exponentially somehow. He might have done you a favor by crashing it. - Veritas
Test 914-1342
Name: Intern Faris
Date: 03/01/2020
Total Items: One Nintendo Wii U Pro Controller, one Mario Amiibo, one Luigi Amiibo
Input: Wii U Pro Controller
Setting: Coarse
Output: One disassembled Pro Controller, with all electrical components further separated into their individual pieces and materials.
Input: Mario and Luigi Amiibo
Setting: Coarse
Output: Two Amiibo representing Mario and Luigi, but appearing as they commonly do in games after taking damage and shrinking in size. Both otherwise function as normal Amiibo. Two plastic Power Mushroom figurines made of materials matching that which was removed from each Amiibo.
Test 914-1343
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 03/01/2020
Total Items: Three hundred [REDACTED]-brand plastic screw-type nutcrackers, two D-class personnel (D-40049 and D-82631)
Input: Above three hundred nutcrackers
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One plastic replica of SCP-173, complete with every single exterior detail as noted on its documentation.
Note: Nobody blink! - J.R. Kai
Addendum:
Neutralisation of above output was achieved successfully with SCP-914 in the following test. All researcher personnel present were instructed to blink in turn under supervision of security personnel, who were on standby to attempt neutralisation via physical damage should the standard temporary containment procedure for SCP-173 fail. Two D-class personnel were used to ensure distraction should the output display similar anomalous abilities to that of SCP-173.
Input: Above plastic replica of SCP-173, D-40049, D-82631
Setting: Rough
Output: One molten puddle of plastic, with several toxic gases detected exiting the output booth upon opening, two extremely mutilated corpses. Of note is that all bones found in the corpses were broken.
Note: What on earth do nutcrackers have to do with SCP-173? They were leftover decorations from Christmas! - J.R. Kai
Note: You should come to my (unofficial) seminar "Foundation Inside Jokes and How to 'Make Dank Cognitohazards'" some time. My next one will be this Thursday. - J.R. Koop
Note: Have you never heard of the inside joke about 173 being a peanut? - Dr. Cleveland
Note: I go on holiday for a week, and this happens. - Veritas
Test 914-1344
Name: Prof. Wren
Date: 03/01/2020
Total Items: Three pairs of index cards reading [REDACTED] and [DATA EXPUNGED].
Input: A pair of index cards reading [REDACTED].
Setting: Fine
Output: A 2"x3" folder with multiple sheets of 0.01mm-thin paper inside of it. Each sheet has microprinting on it that, on further examination, contains a full record of on-site romantic encounters between staffers from 01/01/2019 to 31/12/2019, sorted alphabetically.
Note: Dr. Veritas is going to be so thrilled to read this… -Prof. Wren
Input: A pair of index cards reading [DATA EXPUNGED].
Setting: Fine
Output: A paper-mache human eyeball, formed at actual size. A cognitohazardous effect of the eye causes those who look directly into it to lose all memories of a period from approximately 14 minutes prior to making eye contact with it to until contact is broken.
Note: Could be useful as an alternative to amnestics in some cases, I suppose, though I'd wager this will just be put into Anomalous Storage and forgotten about. -Prof. Wren
Note: Staffers securing the output in Anomalous Storage later reported losing track of it; object verified to be in Anomalous Storage and placed in an opaque container afterward. - Veritas
Input: One each of an index card reading [REDACTED] and [DATA EXPUNGED].
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A [REDACTED] that causes anyone attempting to report on its appearance to [DATA EXPUNGED] their reports, be it verbal, written, or [REDACTED].
Note: I suppose I should have clarified this earlier in this report. The information on the notes wasn't being redacted or expunged; they literally just had "[REDACTED]" and "[DATA EXPUNGED]" written on them in permanent marker. The last item 914 popped out, however, was genuinely [DATA EXPUNGED] to Hell and back. -Prof. Wren
Test 914-1345
Name: Senior Researcher Vil
Date: 03/01/2020
Total Items: Three paintings
Note: Let's now test non-anomalous art with SCP-914. - Vil
Input: A painting of a tropical jungle.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An abstract painting of a forest
Input: A painting of a meadow filled with red roses
Setting: Rough
Output: A painting of a small bouquet of roses
Note: I placed it on Markham's desk on her office with a note. Hope she likes it. - Vil
Note: Thanks Vil, I really appreciate it. - WR Markham
Input: A painting of a log cabin.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A painting of a wooden hut.
Test 914-1346
Name: Weapons Researcher Markham
Date: 03/01/2020
Total Items: A Denel NTW-20 anti-materiel rifle, disassembled
Input: Barrel of the NTW-20
Setting: Fine
Output: A model of Los Angeles rock band Guns N' Roses
Note: This will be my gift to Vil. - WR Markham
Input: An empty magazine of the NTW-20
Setting: 1:1
Output: A loaded magazine of the CheyTac M200 Intervention
Input: Telescopic sight of the NTW-20
Setting: 1:1
Output: A pair of binoculars
Input: Weapon receiver of the NTW-20
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A non-anomalous, 1:6 model of Girls Frontline character NTW-20, and South African firearms designer Tony Neophytou, presenting the NTW-20 in front of several generals (one of which is identified as Chief Minister of KwaZulu, Mangosuthu Buthelezi). However, an altered flag of KwaZulu is printed on the generals' vests, with the seal of Apartheid-era Natal replacing the Zulu shield. Neophytou is noted to have been scarred on his right cheek, while NTW-20 has the Motto of KwaZulu (Sonqoba Simunye, Together we shall surmount) tattooed on her left arm.
Note: Not a beautiful context, but I'll keep it. - WR Markham
Test 914-1347
Name: Dr. Meyer
Date: 04/01/2020
Total Items: One laptop, containing various popular video games.
Note: We’ve seen 914 play chess and various card games, I think it’s about time for us to check if it understands video games. I’ll run a screen recording program, but judging from previous tests 914 will most likely mess with it. – Dr. Meyer
Input: One laptop, with Minecraft opened. A basic creative world has been set up.
Setting: Fine
Output: The same laptop as the input, unchanged. Within the save, a functional model of SCP-914 has been constructed. It shares the same anomalous qualities as the real SCP-914 and seems to follow the same rules and limitations. A testing log has been added below.
| Input | Setting | Output |
| One iron ingot and 1 piece of coal | Fine | One steel ingot, a material that does not exist in the base version of the game. A tool was crafted using the ingot, which possessed a durability higher than that of the iron variant, but lower than that of a diamond one. |
| One Lapis Lazuli | 1:1 | One Lapis Lazuli, retextured as a diamond |
| One piece of coal | Fine | One diamond. It's noted that sounds of strain came out of the laptop, which became very hot to the touch, and that the ''test'' took one in-game month, or two and a half hours in real time. |
| One cow | Coarse | One piece of leather and two pieces of raw beef. |
| Three diamonds, two sticks. | Fine | One unidentified diamond tool. The type of block it is meant to break has not been found yet. |
| One pair of "elytra" wings, one stack (64) of bottles o' enchanting | Very Fine | One piece of equipment that is textured similarly to a Foundation Standard Mk. 13 Stealth Jet. When equipped in a player's chestplate slot, a HUD appears on their screen, which includes several buttons, gauge clusters, and levers. All testing has shown that the ingame HUD is an almost exact replica of the Mk. 13's HUD and controls. |
Note: Unfortunately, the footage the screen recorder has captured got corrupted. But aside from the corruption the test has been deemed successful, as 914 interacted with the games without messing with the laptop. – Dr. Meyer
Input: One laptop, with the strategy game Stellaris open on the empire creation screen.
Setting: Fine
Output: One laptop, with a finished game of Stellaris. The player empire rules the entire Galaxy, and appears as an authoritarian dictatorship, where robots are the ruling class, and other biological species function as slaves. Notably, one species has been confined to multiple planets which seem to function as work/concentration camps.
Note: Did it really just do that? Did 914 really create an empire of robot-space-Nazis? – Dr. Meyer
Input: One laptop, with Dark Souls opened.
Setting: Fine
Output: One laptop, flung out of the output chamber at high speed. Laptop was completely destroyed upon impact with the testing chamber's wall.
Note: Seems like this is too much for 914… I guess we’ll have to end this test early. – Dr. Meyer
Note: Entirely relatable, 914. Don't tell Meyer that I modded it. - J.R. Kai
Test 914-1348
Name: Intern Scott
Date: 06/01/2020
Total Items: Two M1911 Semi-Automatic pistols (loaded)
Note: Intern, this probably isn't a good idea… - J.R. Kai
Input: One pistol
Setting: Fine
Output: One pistol which resembles a flare gun. The bullets in the magazine have been combined to create one shell. It has the words "Hand Cannon" engraved on the side.
Note: I wanted to fire this myself but the dunce hat reappeared, so I gave it to WR Markham and it turned out that the muzzle flash from the shell was enough to melt the barrel. - Intern Scott
Input: One pistol
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One pistol which when held, allows the user to experience zero gravity
Note: I hit my head on the ceiling and then let go of the pistol, which then caused me to fall. Thanks, 914. - Intern Scott
Note: Further testing shows that the bullets shot from this thing are subject to the same zero-gravity effect, causing the bullet to float around. As of writing this note, the bullets fired have not lost the zero-gravity effect. The pistol and the fired bullets have been moved to anomalous storage. - Dr. Zavalosa
Test 914-1349
Name: Doctor Margin
Date: 06/01/2020
Total Items: A series of essays arguing the world is flat, contained in a single binder.
Input: Above item.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One standardized IQ test, filled in. The score gives the hypothetical tester an IQ of 85.
Test 914-1350
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 06/01/2019
Total Items: One SD card containing 1 GB of various news articles published in the last week
Input: SD card
Setting: 1:1
Output: One SD card containing various news articles about inner Foundation activities, including containment breaches, new SCP designations, personnel relationships, and [REDACTED]. All of the articles have been reported to be true. Item incinerated after suspicion of SCP-096's face being present in one containment breach article.
Note: J.R. Koop has been reprimanded and amnesticized after being caught reading news articles of O5-restricted activities. - O5-██
Note: Extremely lucky that O5-██ found him first. I would have terminated him. - Veritas
Test 914-1351
Name: Researcher Connolly
Date: 08/01/2020
Total Items: Five portable hand mirrors
Input: One mirror
Setting: Rough
Output: A pile of powder, positively identified as glass and plastic.
Input: One mirror
Setting: Coarse
Output: A pile of glass shards and a broken plastic frame.
Input: One mirror
Setting: 1:1
Output: One magnifying glass, matching the dimensions of the mirror. The silver was used to decorate the edges.
Input: One mirror
Setting: Fine
Output: One mirror. When looking into the mirror, subjects reported seeing a mummified figure holding a dagger in the reflection.
Note: Is that a Hanged Man reference? - Researcher Connolly
Input: One mirror
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Appearance identical to the input, but functions akin to a magnifying glass. Upon further examination, output appears to be some sort of hidden object locator, with previously invisible objects glowing bright blue when viewed through the lens.
Note: It's detected hidden messages in invisible ink, has detected bloodstains that had previously been mopped up, and has apparently been able to detect camouflaged MTF operatives. Permission to file it into Anomalous Storage? - Researcher Connolly
Note: The number of bloodstains all over Research Cell 109-B scares me. That said, three MTF Eta-10 ("See No Evil") operatives are outside for temporary requisition of the output. - Junior Researcher Kai
Test 914-1352
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 08/01/2020
Total Items: Five twin sized mattresses, one pair of pajamas.
Note: Measured the input booth, the mattresses should fit through, hopefully. - J.R. Koop
Input: One mattress
Setting: Rough
Output: One ripped, tattered, and burnt pile of fabric, one shredded pile of memory foam that was on fire when the output booth was opened. Room temporarily evacuated and aerated after toxic fumes were noted.
Note: Had to fit it in diagonally, but a success nonetheless! Well, aside from the fumes. - J.R Koop
Note: Two D-class and three researchers have been warded and are currently being treated for inhalation of toxic substances. Do I want to know what happened? - Medical Officer Elliot
Input: One mattress
Setting: Coarse
Output: One prism of memory foam, one neatly folded sheet of fabric.
Input: One mattress
Setting: 1:1
Output: One beanbag chair, with the typical plastic balls being replaced with what seems to be melted memory foam. After passing anomalous item testing, the chair has been placed in break room.
Input: One mattress
Setting: Fine
Output: One mattress, with the memory foam anomalously modified to be softer yet more supportive. Induces a slight cognitohazard that makes any viewer compelled to lay in it for exactly 9.14 hours.
Input: One mattress
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One mattress that will "swallow" any person that lies on the bed and enters REM sleep, usually by the fabric ripping, proceeded by the memory foam moving up and around the user. The user is then transported to a pocket dimension, similar in appearance to the internals of SCP-914, though it has not been proven to be a functioning part of SCP-914. After approximately 9 full sleep cycles, the user is "regurgitated". All personnel that have viewed the event has described it as the user simply being thrown out of the mattress' inside. Item kept in Anomalous Storage.
Input: One pair of pajamas
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One pair of pajamas that fuse with the skin of the wearer. The pajamas have also been shown to be a very great insulator with an RSI-value of ███ per millimeter thick. This typically causes the wearer to expire of heatstroke. Item releases its victim after death. Item incinerated.
Note: Alright, I get it, D-Class aren't as disposable as one would think. Instead of ██ terminated, I only terminated two four of them. Now, I was pretty surprised to find an invoice in place of a paycheck, but luckily I still have a savings account. - J.R. Koop
Test 914-1353
Name: Senior Researcher Vivic
Date: 08/01/2020
Total Items: One family sized bag of Doritos-brand corn chips (nacho cheese flavour)
Input: Bag of chips
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Unknown. S.R. Vivic was unable to vocalise what the output was before succumbing to the effects of the output.
Addendum:
The output is a compressed volume of Dorito-brand corn chips in the shape of a M1911 handgun, which appears to be fully functional even though it is composed of 95% foodstuffs. Via anomalous means, the object can be loaded with live .45 ACP rounds and fired in succession without failure, showing an accuracy increase of 27% and the smell of nacho cheese with each shot. So far, the high-level tactile, visual and aromatic cognitohazards cannot be expunged by any means unless personnel score sufficiently high on the cognitohazards resistance index, such as myself. Otherwise, as in the case of Vivic, you will knock yourself unconscious trying before you’re able to describe it. - Dr. Zane
Test 914-1354
Name: Senior Researcher Vivic
Date: 08/01/2020
Total Items: One square 15cm-long picture of a banana peel, one kilogram of SCP-143
Input: Above picture
Setting: Fine
Output: A cognitohazardous image that when viewed causes the viewer to feel unbalanced and in rare cases, fall over in an overly choreographed manner.
Input: Sample of SCP-143
Setting: Fine
Output: One indestructible statue of of Dr. Veritas wearing a large cape with a confident expression. No anomalous features have been noted.
Test 914-1355
Name: Intern Sora
Date: 08/01/2020
Total Items: Three 8GB USB hard drives containing 3 different Virtual Private Network (VPN) programs
Note: I will be going to China to visit my family in a couple of days. These VPNs were recently blocked by ''The Great Firewall'', so I wanted to make a VPN that can bypass any firewalls known. - Intern Sora
Input: One USB drive containing [REDACTED] brand VPN
Setting: Fine
Output: One USB drive containing an unknown VPN program. A computer, private connection and a firewall, which has similar workings as ''The Great Firewall of China'', is set up to test the program. When run on the computer, the VPN successfully bypassed the firewall. However, it quickly stopped connection and demanded a payment of $800 USD or an equivalent amount in Bitcoin to an unknown bank account in Nigeria.
Note: So, a 419 Scam. Not surprising at all. - WR Markham
Input: One USB drive containing [REDACTED] brand VPN
Setting: Fine
Output: One USB drive containing a VPN program, labelled "SudVPN". The same setup is used to test the program. Program successfully bypassed the firewall. While program is running, the computer can only connect to several websites that cannot be accessed through any other means. Names of these websites include "Runlane", "Listenable", "Clever", "Wax" and "SudVPN" itself.
Input: One USB drive containing [REDACTED] brand VPN
Setting: Fine
Output: One USB drive containing a VPN program. The same setup is used to test the program. Program successfully bypassed the firewall, with no further implications noted.
Note: Alright, I'm taking this with me. I'll also hand a copy over to Rosen in the tech department if he wants to reverse engineer it. - Intern Sora
Addendum:
At 1600 hours, 08/01/2020, a security breach was found in the Foundation database. A connection from an untraceable source had gained access to multiple classified and top secret files. At 1630 hours, Intern Sora admitted himself to Dr. Veritas’ office with a video taken on his mobile phone. The video showed Intern Sora's browser accessing and downloading classified Foundation files, with no control from Intern Sora. The VPN program can be seen running in the background. Intern Sora has been sent to the medical bay for administering of amnestics. Program moved into an isolated computer for further study.
Test 914-1356
Name: Junior Researcher Boneka
Date: 08/01/2020
Total Items: One greeting card with “Hello, SCP-914. I’m Junior Researcher Boneka. I look forward to studying you.” written on it with a black gel pen, five origami cranes
Note: Hello everybody. I’m new to the team, so thanks for having me. Since it’s apparently tradition to begin with an introductory experiment, I’ll start with mine and then run some fairly simple tests. It looks like SCP-914 has been able to make origami before, so I wondered what it would do if it was given it instead. In Japan, cranes are considered to be symbols of tranquility, so I’ve chosen these models as a sort of “peace offering”. - Junior Researcher Boneka
Input: One greeting card
Setting: 1:1
Output: One origami crane. The ink has been used to draw eyes and simple feathers on the model.
Note: Huh. - Junior Researcher Boneka
Note: It's quite detailed. Get it screened and you can hang it somewhere in your office. - Junior Researcher Kai
Input: One origami crane
Setting: Rough
Output: A small pile of shredded paper, some pieces of which are burnt at the edges
Input: One origami crane
Setting: Coarse
Output: Many tiny paper feathers arranged neatly across the bottom of the output booth
Input: One origami crane
Setting: 1:1
Output: One origami swan
Input: One origami crane
Setting: Fine
Output: One origami crane that is more detailed, appearing to have been made with more complex techniques such as wet folding, though the model is completely dry.
Note: Permission to keep this? I’d like to figure out how to recreate this model myself. - Junior Researcher Boneka
Input: One origami crane
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One animate origami crane. Model attempted to fly out of the output booth, but was unable to due to a torn wing.
Note: Oh… One second please, if I may. - Junior Researcher Boneka
Note: At this point, Junior Researcher Boneka left the testing chamber and went to her office. She returned a moment later with a piece of scotch tape and proceeded to use it to mend the origami crane’s wing.
Note: Good as new. - Junior Researcher Boneka
Note: After standard testing, the object has passed cognitohazard screening and has been deemed non-sentient. Placed in Anomalous Storage.
Addendum:
A few days later, Junior Researcher Boneka found an animate origami model of a humanoid woman on her desk upon returning to her office. She alerted site security, who checked and confirmed that the original crane had disappeared from Anomalous Storage through unknown means. Object was incinerated due to concerns of a possible information breach.
Note: I recognize this. It’s from the parable of the Crane Wife from Japanese folklore. It’s told in a lot of different ways, but the crane almost always flies away in the end, and I don’t need my first test at this site to end with an anomalously animate paper crane escaping and risk being exposed to the public. At least nobody ended up in the medical bay though, so I’d say it’s pretty solid for a first try. - Junior Researcher Boneka
Test 914-1357
Name: Doctor Herbert
Date: 08/01/2020
Total Items: Twenty large pairs of boots, one copy of the radio comedy group The Frantics “Boot to the Head.”
Input: Above items
Setting: Very Fine (Note: Doctor Herbert claims it had originally been set on 1:1 and someone else changed it. Current evidence suggests otherwise)
Output: A large humanoid entity composed of leather boots emerged from the output booth and proceeded to recite the will of Dr. Veritas in several voices identical to the members of the Frantics. Some personnel present sustained head trauma as the entity attempted to bludgeon them, until Researcher Darby entered the testing area, at which point the entity began yelling in a voice identical to Dr. Veritas and assaulted him. Entity was engaged by security but fought them off using "Ti Kwon Leap". Security Guard Matthews removed his combat boots and used them to engage the entity in boot-to-boot combat, leading to its eventual termination.
Note: Ow, what the [REDACTED]? I was just passing through on my way to lunch when I heard Veritas screaming my name and then a bunch of boots attacked me! - Darby
Note: Ah, that's what the high-pitched screams of pain were… Who goes into the research cell on their way to lunch, anyways? - J.R. Koop
Note: Of all the books to ruin, it had to be the one that was in the middle of my series. - Intern Scott
Note: I got spooked by the scream when I was in my office having a cup of coffee. Now I need to replace my laptop and try to salvage all the data from it. - I. Sora
Note: Having what sounds like my voice come out of that is equal part terrifying and intriguing. Is that supposed to represent me without boundaries? Because it it was, there would be a lot more vodka involved. Note for next time. - Veritas
Note: I never expected watching twenty pairs of leather boots burn in the incinerator to give me such an odd feeling of satisfaction. Herbert has been disciplined for not ensuring personnel safety with regards to actually confirming 914's setting before testing. - Dr. Cahill
Test 914-1358
Name: Junior Researcher McLaif
Date: 09/01/2020
Total Items: Two laptops containing various video games.
As seen in Test 914-1347, SCP-914 is capable of interacting with video games, at least on the Fine setting. Three genres were tested then (sandbox, 4X and ARPG), and three more will be tested now (tycoon, puzzle, and roguelite). The laptop will have a screen recording program to record footage. - JR McLaif
Input: The laptop, with OpenTTD running on a new save file on a temperate world, along with three advanced AI players. Starting year is 1920.
Setting: Fine
Output: A game of OpenTTD at year 3914. All industries and towns have been connected by 914's company, with an operating profit of over $1 billion per month. The three AI players have either been bought out by 914 or cornered in by being surrounded by 914-owned buildings and infrastructure.
Input: The laptop, on the title screen to Portal 2.
Setting: Fine
Output: One replica Aperture Long-Fall Boots built out of the input laptop. Unlike the in-game Long Fall Boots, when worn, the Boots instantly reverse all momentum 9.14 cm from the ground when falling. The D-class used for testing was sent to medical ward for fractured ankles. Result incinerated.
Note: I should have expected this. Damn, I need to get another laptop. - JR McLaif
Input: A second laptop, on the title screen to Slay the Spire.
Setting: Fine
Output: A fully-completed game of Slay the Spire, up to Ascension 20, with all characters. Later testing and game disassembly showed that SCP-914 inserted an event that replicated SCP-914's function. Over the course of ███ playthroughs, the event appeared 3 times, yielding the following:
| Input | Setting | Output |
|---|---|---|
| Cracked Core (relic) | Very Fine | An Enhanced Core. Not known to exist in the base game. The relic is a direct upgrade to the Cracked Core, giving the Defect three additional orb slots and spawns 3 lightning orbs at the beginning of battle. |
| Searing Blow +3 (attack) | Very Fine | A Searing Blow +914. The card deals 420,909 damage. |
| Defend (skill) | Rough | 1 Gold. |
Test 914-1359
Name: Junior Researcher Pines
Date: 09/02/2020
Total Items: Two hard drives containing the game “L.A. Noire”
Input: One hard drive
Setting: Fine
Output: One unchanged hard drive, containing a sound file of running water
Note: That is how he dies. Instead of making a new game altogether, 914 just fast forwarded to the ending of the game. - J.R. Pines
Note: If you were looking for a new game, try 1:1 for your next test. - J.R. Kai
Note: Sometimes, it creates a "better" game or version of a game. - J.R. Pines
Input: One hard drive
Setting: 1:1
Output: One unchanged hard drive, containing an .exe file titled “S.C.P. Noire”. The plot revolves around the murder of Dr. Veritas from the perspective of Junior Researcher Pines. The mechanics are the same as in L.A. Noire, but there are noticeably more anomalous and Foundation-related elements.
Input: Above output
Setting: Fine
Output: One unchanged hard drive, containing sound file of running water identical to the one obtained in the first test.
Note: Oh no. - J.R. Pines
Test 914-1360
Name: Doctor Margin
Date: 09/01/2020
Total Items: One copy of SCP-089's file.
Input: Above item.
Setting: Fine
Output: One story detailing a character identified as Clockwork-chan, weeping, cradling a toddler referred to as Casey to sleep while singing "Baby Mine".
Note: Well. Didn't expect that. Also, who's cutting onions in here? - Margin
Test 914-1361
Name: J.R. Koop
Date: 09/01/2020
Total Items: Two ████████-brand Android smartphones, with the following apps installed: Audible, NordVPN, Honey, Dashlane, Skillshare, TikTok and RAID Shadow Legends.
Note: All apps are currently under a free trial, where applicable. - J.R. Koop
Input: One smartphone
Setting: 1:1
Output: One █████ █████ smartphone, with various mobile games installed. Further inspection discovered that all games installed on the device were developed by Electronic Arts.
Input: One smartphone
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Before we get to the output, let's talk about today's sponsor, [REDACTED]! [REDACTED] is a [DATA EXPUNGED] that every researcher at the Foundation should use! As you can see here, using [REDACTED] has improved my research efficiency by 914%! Get [REDACTED] today by going to █████.914, and don't forget to use code SKIPPR914 at checkout! One unknown brand smartphone. When the phone was turned on, a Class-IV cognitohazard was displayed, causing to viewer to go on a rant about an unknown app called "[REDACTED] sic." However, the cognitohazard seems to only affect Foundation personnel with a security clearance higher than 3/General. Item incinerated.
Note: I felt really tempted to record myself and post it on the Foundation Intranet. Thank god for amnestics and people with high cognitohazard resistance. - J.R. Koop
Test 914-1362
DISCLAIMER: The following test was not authorized. During a containment breach of SCP-████, Facility 23 entered SCP-████'s activation radius. Facility 23's security systems, including the intruder deterrence systems, malfunctioned and disabled. Soon after, several anomalous school-age children, presumed to be SCP-████-1 instances, stormed the facility and overwhelmed security personnel. According to staff reports, all children appeared to either be similar looking to their children or themselves as a child. One child entered Research Cell 109-B and performed several refinements with SCP-914. All children suddenly demanifested after all tests concluded.
Note: Alright, so after that whole child incident, I inspected 109-B and found this test log, if you can even call it that. I've tried my best to fix any spelling and some format capitalization, such as "very fine" to "Very Fine," but otherwise it should be verbatim. - J.R. Koop
Name: junior "researcher" [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
Date: wednesday i think
Total Items: dinosaur pencil, [UNINTELLIGIBLE, PRESUMED TWO DIFFERENT OBJECTS], and the annoying kid
Input: dinosaur pencil!!
Setting: Fine
Output dinosaur action figure that works like pencil!!!
Note: thanks machine i like dinosaur action pencil - Jr. [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
Input: [UNINTELLIGIBLE ITEM 1]
Setting: Very Fine
Output: ewwww it looks like floating [UNINTELLIGIBLE]!!
Note: it also smelled really bad!! but like metal poop? - Jr. [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
Transcriber's Note: Looking at security footage at the time of the incident, it was indeed, floating feces in 914's output chamber. - J.R. Koop
Input: annoying bossy kid i hate
Setting: Rough
Output: he is dead and crushed!! good. i hated him for being bossy.
Transcriber's Note: There was some blood and bone marrow still present in the output, and the DNA testing has revealed that the kid thrown in SCP-914 was, apparently, the child version of Dr. Veritas. That's…interesting… - J.R. Koop
Input: [UNINTELLIGIBLE ITEM 2]
Setting: [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
Output: The weapon that will finally be of use.
Note: The masquerade is no longer needed. Forward, my people. - [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
Transcriber's Note: That's even more interesting… and menacing. - J.R. Koop
Test 914-1363
Name: Dr. Noelle Cahill
Date: 10/01/2020
Total Items: Three cartons of [REDACTED]-brand cake mix
Note: The recent spate of tests have been quite… destructive in nature. Let's do something more lighthearted today. - Dr. Cahill
Input: One carton of cake mix
Setting: 1:1
Output: One cardboard grenade
Note: Not funny. Especially when the ingredients have been remade into an explosive powder. Incredibly, it is still edible. And no, Veritas, I did not eat it. It's been safely disposed of. - Dr. Cahill
Input: One carton of cake mix
Setting: 1:1
Output: One carton of cookie mix of the same brand
Input: One carton of cake mix
Setting: Fine
Output: One anomalously animated cardboard origami plane, powered by a flour-and-sugar combustion engine
Note: It caught fire and crashed shortly after flying past my face, because having an engine surrounded by cardboard is not a good idea, 914. You do get points for creativity, though. - Dr. Cahill
Test 914-1364
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 10/01/2020
Total Items: Seven spring-piston single-shot wooden rifles
Note: Noelle baked a fruit cake but forgot to put the raisins in. I shot them in. - J.R. Kai
Note: So that's where the holes came from. - Dr. Cahill
Input: All seven rifles
Setting: Fine
Output: One large and non-anomalous wooden statue of a raisin being fired from the barrel a rifle. The words "Quod partum" are carved along the barrel.
Note: Requesting to display this in my office. - J.R. Kai
Test 914-1365
Name: Intern Sora
Date: 10/01/2020
Total Items: One photograph of Intern Sora and a female, identified to be Intern Sora’s sister, who passed away 3 years ago due to a traffic accident. Photograph dated ██/██/2010.
Note: I found this picture of my sister and I while sorting through what was left my old documents. Must’ve left it in one of the folders a long time ago. I miss her a lot. - Intern Sora
Input: One photograph
Setting: Fine
Output: A handwritten letter on a piece of paper of identical size. The letter was written in Simplified Chinese. While Intern Sora appeared to become emotionally unstable after reading it, he however insisted on continuing the experiment.
Note: It’s her writing! I didn’t think I would see that ever again. - Intern Sora
Input: Above output
Setting: Fine
Output: An origami pendant. While open, a voice speaking in Mandarin can be heard from inside the pendant, while an anomalously animate photograph of I. Sora’s sister can be seen. Voice confirmed by I. Sora to be that of his sister’s. No other anomalous effects observed.
Note: While opening the pendant and hearing the voice, Intern Sora bursted into tears and cried for approximately 3 minutes before collecting himself.
Note: Thank you 914, thank you so much. Dr. Veritas, I am requesting to keep this pendant. - Intern Sora
Note: This is a reminder that all personnel who are seeking therapy are welcome in my office, not Research Cell 109-B. - Psychiatric Specialist Insano
Note: I don’t want to be that guy, but 914 is known to be slightly manipulative. Be careful with that pendant, Sora. - Researcher Connolly
Note: Granted. Get it screened first. - Veritas
Test 914-1366
Name: Researcher Connolly
Date: 11/01/2020
Total Items: Six copies of Homer’s Odyssey, six copies of the Safe-class SCP-████'s file
Note: As the purpose of this test is to see whether the order of objects has an effect on the output, whatever item is first listed in the input is the first item put in. - Researcher Connolly
Input: One copy of the Odyssey, one copy of SCP-████'s file
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of Homer's Iliad, one copy of the file of SCP-████, a different Safe-class SCP.
Input: One copy of SCP-████'s file, one copy of the Odyssey
Setting: 1:1
Output: The same file on SCP-████, only now being trademarked by Penguin Publishing. Likewise, the Odyssey now appears to have been published by Foundation Press.
Input: One copy of the Odyssey, one copy of SCP-████'s file
Setting: Fine
Output: A copy of the Odyssey with the contents changed to be much more Foundation-related. Some notable changes include Athena being replaced by SCP-343, Scylla and Charybdis being replaced with SCP-3000, Circe being replaced by WR Markham, and the honeymoon bed being made out of 914’s gears, rather than an olive tree. Notably, Odysseus remains unchanged.
Note: When questioned, SCP-343 seemed to recall the events in question and referred to Odysseus as a “wily rascal”. - Researcher Connolly
Input: One copy of SCP-████'s file, one copy of the Odyssey
Setting: Fine
Output: An SCP file designated “SCP-BC1250”, a nonexistent designation. BC1250 depicts Odysseus as an SCP, listing the class as “Homer”, and giving a description which appears to match legendary descriptions of the hero. Details on his apprehension describe the theft of cattle who happened to belong to a “Dr. Helios”, who promptly apprehended him. Containment protocols describe a cell on the Isle of Ogygia where Odysseus should live in all earthly delights. The file is written by a “Dr. Calypso”.
Input: One copy of the Odyssey, one copy of SCP-████'s file
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An animate origami figure of Polyphemus, roughly four feet tall. Upon exiting the output booth, figure immediately attacked Researcher Connolly. Researcher Connolly quickly reacted by gouging out its eye, allowing enough time for security staff to intervene. Subject destroyed by a well-placed shot from the H20-9000. Researcher Connolly shaken, but unharmed.
Input: One copy of SCP-████'s file, one copy of the Odyssey
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A Foundation dossier on Homer. Meticulous records are kept on the details of his life, filling in several historical gaps. Incinerated once it was discovered that the dossier alleged that Homer was a member of the O5 Council.
Test 914-1367
Name: Intern Regal
Date: 11/01/2020
Total Items: Various pages containing different regular expressions.
Note: I’m back and got a few ideas for my next couple of test, first I’m going to see how 914 interacts with regular expressions considering their relationship with automata. - Intern Regal
Input: One page containing different regular expressions.
Setting: 1:1
Output: One page containing equivalent graphic automata to the regular expressions on the original page.
Input: One page containing different regular expressions.
Setting: Fine
Output: One page containing a large regular expression covering both sides of the page, written in a smaller font and of 9H Graphite Grading. It's theorized to only accept words properly written in English.
Input: One page containing different regular expressions.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: {[c*o( (ntai U g) ni (ng U tohazard) )* U ne ] U [p*a+ (ge)*]}*
{[wh(ich U en)]* U [(l U up)o*(ked U n)]* U [cau(se*)*]}*
{[t(he U o)] U [(vi)*e*(w(er U ords) U xpres+)] U [any]}*
{[(sp)*(w U o)(r(itten)* U (ken)*)]}*
{[(t U f)or*] U [(r U b)*e(x*p(lace U ression))*] U [(regul U c)*a*(r U pa)*b*l*e*]}*
{[w*o(f U r)(rd)*] U [(c*a)*(pable U epting)] U [(i U se)*n*th*en*(ded U ce)*]}*
One page containing a cognitohazard which, when looked upon, causes the viewer to express any sentence or word, written or spoken, as a regular expression capable of accepting it. The cognitohazard seems to only affect people that have proficient knowledge of regular expressions.
Note: It was like using a completely different language, and I don’t recommend the experience to anyone. - Intern Regal
Note: [The fact that] [no] [cognitohazardous effects] [are immediately apparent] [does not mean] [the] [object] [is non-anomalous,] [or safe to show] [to supervising personnel.] - R. Rasclon
Note: I think it only affects people who have somewhat decent understanding of regular expressions. Didn't affect me or any other people with little cognitohazard resistance and coding experience. - J.R. Koop
Note: [Define] [decent understanding,] [Koop.] - J.R. Kai
Note: [God] [damn it,] [Kai.] [^abcdefghjklmnopqrstuvwxyz] [think] [\b means \B] ["Do you know the ever so slightest formatting of a regex?"] - [J.R. Koop]//
Note: [Do] [I want to] [know] [what a Regex] [is?] - J.R. Kai
Note: I'm just going to burn it for you nerds. - Janitor ████████
Test 914-1368
Name: Intern Snevets
Date: 12/01/2020
Total Items: 3 S.P.H.E.R.E.S. satellites, 3 images of the centaur 7066 Nessus, 3 small used solid-fuel boosters, heat shielding tiles, scrap metal, tungsten-titanium alloy, copper wire, carbon fiber, kevlar, polyester fabric, rubber, plastic
Note: The S.P.H.E.R.E.S. satellites are currently still in testing aboard the ISS. I’m hoping 914 can create some sort of satellite with similar capabilities, but that is able to survive the temperature extremes and micrometeorite impacts experienced in space. I’ve included several materials not normally used because most conventional materials are too thick for this application. - Intern Snevets
Input: One S.P.H.E.R.E.S. satellite, one image of Nessus, one solid-fuel booster, approximately one third of all other materials
Setting: Fine
Output: A small unmanned spacecraft, resembling a Yagi-Uda television antenna in shape. Lacks a thrust control module, and therefore would likely undergo unplanned rapid disassembly due to inertial forces if it were actually deployed in space.
Input: One S.P.H.E.R.E.S. satellite, one image of Nessus, one solid-fuel booster, approximately one third of all other materials
Setting: Fine
Output: Input, physically unchanged. S.P.H.E.R.E.S. is now capable of determining the current date by unknown means, and has been programmed to draw out the “shape” of the current phase of Earth’s moon in 2D space when turned on.
Note: It’s rather odd for Fine to leave all of the inputs in such a large group unchanged like this. - Intern Snevets
Input: One S.P.H.E.R.E.S. satellite, one image of Nessus, one solid-fuel booster, approximately one third of all other materials
Setting: Fine
Output: One highly advanced armored spacesuit, made up of a skintight multi-layer suit with heavy armor locked to it via powerful electromagnets. Possesses an onboard digital assistant, which, upon initial activation, vocalized and displayed on the helmet’s heads-up display the phrase “Welcome to Mark 2 STELLAR IMPACT. Have a nice war!” Questioning of this digital assistant has revealed that the suit’s primary function is to allow the wearer to survive a fall from beyond the influence of a planet’s gravity with minimal reduction in velocity. A small solid-fuel booster on the back of the chestplate provides steering during free-fall.
Note: It took a while, but I managed to get this cleared for testing. I’m not allowed to know what anomaly was used, but they stuck the suit on a D-Class and sent him to roughly the altitude of a high-Earth orbit. The D-Class and the suit survived impact with no damage. - Intern Snevets
Test 914-1369
Notice: The consequences of the following tests requires Researcher Darby to provide a portion of his salary to cover the resulting damages. This will ensure that Darby will enjoy a full salary after the next 7 years and two months. - Veritas
Name: Researcher Darby
Date: 13/01/2020
Total Items: Three Mx4 Storm SMGs, one PTRS Anti-Material Rifle, four boxes of assorted technological components looted from the IT department
Input: One Mx4 Storm, one box of assorted components
Setting: Rough
Output: One lump of metal, rubber and silicon barely resembling the inputted Storm but with random components merged to the outside. Scans revealed that while technically still able to fire, it would have a high chance of explosive failure. Incinerated.
Input: One Mx4 Storm, 1 box of assorted components
Setting: 1:1
Output: One ASh-12.7 with a full attachment loadout
Note: Seems reasonable. According to the specs I got, the Mx4 shoots .50 cal bullets and so does this Russian beauty of a rifle. - Researcher Darby
Input: One Mx4 Storm, one box of assorted components
Setting: Fine
Output: One undefined Rifle-shaped object with no visible sights or magazine present. When held by an operator, digital holograms appear above the object to act as a fully adjustable scope. Placing pieces of metal into a hidden hatch on the bottom of the stock loads the rifle. Caliber, rate of fire, muzzle velocity and many other specs can be modified via a holographic menu created by pressing a button near the trigger.
Note: I am going to keep this, and I am naming it Fluffy. - Researcher Darby
Note: Hilarious. Incinerated. - Dr. Cahill
Input: One PTRS Anti-Material Rifle, 1 box of assorted components
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One tube-shaped object 20-MJ railgun
Note: Someone accidentally pulled the trigger when bringing it out of the research chamber. Now, there's a 30cm hole through the Facility leading to the parking lot. No major casualties, a D-Class got clipped, a few desks got trashed, and Dr. Veritas' car was totalled. I’d like to make this a matter of record that I did not pull the railgun out of 914. I honestly don’t know who did. - Researcher Darby
Note: Darby, you literally blew a hole through the facility, all the way to the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] ██████ in town. Thank God it was owned by one of our front companies, but it's still gonna cost a pretty penny for you. - J.R. Koop
Note: Cheers, Darby, I don't have to clean my desk from the coffee spill anymore now that it's become part of the hole. Also, I saw Veritas charging towards the research cell just now and I've never seen him so infuriated before. - I. Sora
Note: Wow. Can we take a moment to appreciate how bad an idea it is to allow D-class personnel to handle Very Fine outputs? He was vaporised from the muzzle flash along with the rest of the railgun. - Junior Researcher Kai
Note: Researcher Darby is going to have a talk with me in my office for the next few hours . Screaming, cries for help, and similar noises in the category are to be ignored. - Veritas
Test 914-1370
Name: Dr. Noelle Cahill
Date: 14/01/2020
Total Items: Three Class-II memeplex templates
Note: I got an emailed request to try and refine memetics equipment at 3 AM this morning. Apparently, [REDACTED] is getting stronger and their containment procedures are due for an update soon. The development team wants to see if SCP-914 is capable of generating a new memeplex that could potentially be helpful to current efforts at containment. - Dr. Cahill
Note: Cahill, remind the memetics department to thank them for volunteering for paying for potential damages. - Veritas
Input: One memeplex template
Setting: 1:1
Output: One template for a picture-based captioned Internet joke, colloquially referred to as a "meme".
Note: This will be the first and last time a meme enters this Experiment Log. - Dr. Cahill
Input: One memeplex template
Setting: Fine
Output: One extremely-detailed thesis on SCP-2272's memeplex, explaining how [REDACTED] is possible by piggybacking a tactile memetic hazard onto a [DATA EXPUNGED], as theorised in Terminal: An SCP Foundation Journal (2007). It is noted that the theory presented in the outputted thesis cannot be confirmed as all Agents who have interfered with the localisation perception memetic hazard (refer to file:///G:/personnel/deceased/agent/field/Robert-Potsdam) of SCP-2272 have been anomalously removed from service.
Note: For the next test, a five-member squad from MTF Eta-10 ("See No Evil") have been assigned to emergency response. They arrived this morning per request from Director [REDACTED] and I didn't expect them to enjoy my fruit cake so much while waiting for me to get the memeplex templates ready. - Dr. Cahill
Input: One memeplex template
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An empty output booth? I'll let MTF Agent "Brown" fill in the Experiment Log for this one. One origami emblem of MTF Eta-10. For all intents and purposes, the emblem appears to be non-existent to non-members of MTF Eta-10. Preliminary testing with the emblem on Dr. Cahill reveals that the quantum state of the emblem superimposed on her is in flux and thus, cannot be directly observed. This results in Dr. Cahill's inability to perceive it, a probability that is constantly expressed at chances of lower than 1 in 7.3 × 1039.
Note: Guess we'll be taking this back with us. Thanks for having us here, Noelle. The cake was great. - MTF Agent "Brown"
Note: I can't believe I spent over an hour assembling that memeplex template just to have it be refined into something I can't see. Thanks, 914. - Dr. Cahill
Test 914-1371
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 14/01/2020
Total Items: Three copies of the United Nations charter, translated into Esperanto, Quenya, and Klingon respectively
Input: United Nations charter, translated into Esperanto
Setting: Fine
Output: A copy of the Geneva Conventions, translated into Volapük. 60 percent of the document is highlighted, which corresponded with human rights violations the SCP Foundation has infringed upon since 1945.
Input: United Nations charter, translated into Quenya
Setting: Fine
Output: A copy of the Constitution of the United States of America, translated into Sindarin. Translating the document back to English reveals that the 8th, 11th, 20th, and 22nd Amendments are missing, while a modified version of the Congressional Apportionment Amendment and the District of Columbia Voting Rights Amendment were ratified. The document also ruled the 18th Amendment as unconstitutional, and thus null and void, with an amendment declaring Woodrow Wilson to have committed treason against the nation also ratified, nullifying all of his actions during his second presidential term (including the declaration of war against Germany), and declaring the presidency to have been de jure vacated from 1917 to 1921.
Input: United Nations charter, translated into Klingon
Setting: 1:1
Output: A copy of the 1977 Constitution of the Soviet Union, translated into Mando'a.
Input: Above output
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An animate satellite map of the former USSR and environs. All actions that happened in real life are reflected on the map with a four-month delay.
Test 914-1372
Name: Researcher Luna
Date: 14/01/2020
Total Items: Three four copied pairs of sunglasses, one #2 pencil, 1 note card reading: "Hi 914, I am Researcher Luna. I have been looking forward to working with you."
Note: Hi everyone, I was recently transferred here from Site-23 in order to do a series of trial tests with 914 on items cloned by SCP-038. If the trials are successful, I will be moving on to more hazardous items. The goal of these trials is to see both how cloned items react with 914, and if all goes well, to cross-test clones of SCPs (mostly SCPs that are too valuable to risk destruction or SCPs that we do not have many of) with 914. - Researcher Luna
Note: I have been told that it is a custom to "introduce yourself" to 914 in your first test. - Researcher Luna
Input: The note card (see above), one #2 pencil.
Setting: Fine
Output: An intricately detailed sketch of SCP-038. Non-anomolous. The pencil is considerably shorter.
Note: I framed this and put it on my office desk once it was deemed non-anomolous. - Researcher Luna.
Input: One pair of cloned sunglasses
Setting: 1:1
Output: A model of an apple
Note: I was afraid of something like this. 914 is taking my knowledge of SCP-038 into consideration when refining the cloned items. From now on, I will have a D-Class operate 914 for me. - Researcher Luna
Input: One pair of cloned sunglasses
Setting: 1:1
Output: A seemingly unchanged pair of sunglasses. When tested on D-Class, it was discovered that instead of filtering out light, it actually magnified it, making everything appear 5x brighter. Item incinerated after testing D-Class was permanently blinded after looking at overhead lights.
Input: One pair of cloned sunglasses
Setting: Fine
Output: A pair of sunglasses, with lenses similar to those found in solar eclipse glasses.
Note: for anyone who doesn't know how solar eclipse glasses work, they basically filter out so much light, it's impossible to see anything through them except for the sun. - Researcher Luna
Input: One pair of cloned sunglasses
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One pair of sunglasses that, when worn, will correct any visual impairment, up to and including total blindness, as well as causing the wearer to perceive what they describe as "perfect lighting conditions" (not too bright, not too dark.), even in total darkness. Testing has shown that the "perfect" amount of light varies from person to person.
Note: These are actually super useful! I'm going to send this back to Site-23 and see if they can clone the output for MTF usage. And everyone was warning me that 914 rarely gives purely beneficial outputs! - Researcher Luna
Addendum: Further testing has shown that prolonged usage of the sunglasses actually harm your eyesight. While the vision-correcting effects of the glasses counteract this, while not wearing the glasses, the eyesight of the affected is considerably worse than it was before putting on the glasses. That being said, it still corrects and enhances vision to a remarkable degree, and MTF Command has decided the benefits outweigh the downside, and will support further experimentation with the sunglasses.
Note: Still counting this as a win. That being said, I do see what everyone means now, and will take further precautions in the future. - Researcher Luna.
Test 914-1373
Name: R&D Technician Fae
Date: 15/01/2020
Total Items: One piece of standard A4 paper with the words "A block of brass" written on it.
Note: The purpose of this test is to see if 914 can create usable material from the perception of usable material. There's a project I want to start on and I only have so much brass, which makes this the perfect opportunity to try this test. The operator will be a D-Class informed that the input is a block of brass, and will be shown a real block of brass prior to the test which will serve as the perceived input. - R&DT Fae
Input: One piece of standard A4 paper with the words "A block of brass" written on it.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A block of brass, identical to the one shown to the D-Class operator prior to the test. The same note as before, however with a memetic property that causes viewers perceive it as a tangible block of brass when viewed with the naked eye, with the written text anomalously changing as the perception of the block changes.
Note: The memetic properties were not discovered until much later when surveillance footage of R&DT Fae's workshop was reviewed. In the footage, R&DT Fae was seen moving his tools around the space above the note as if carving something. The text of the note was seen to change periodically from "A block of brass" to "A lump of brass" to "A lump of brass with a shark's fin" to "A slightly phallic hunk of brass with entirely too many triangles attached to it" etc. The text finally settled on "A decently cool model spaceship".
Note: Someone get Fae out of the workshop and to the anti-memetics medical bay. He thinks that he made a model spaceship, but he's holding a piece of paper. - Veritas
Test 914-1374
Name: Dr. Hort
Date: 15/01/2020
Total Items: ''Reepicheep'' (a Corvus corax specimen made out of a mix of metalloids, capable of turning into gas)
Note: My pet got me banned from testing for 4 months after he interrupted several tests. I’m sorry, but I can't let this happen again. - Dr. Hort
Input: ''Reepicheep''
Setting: Coarse
Output: An explosion came out of the output booth, followed by several feathers propelled at ~350 m/s that pierced the room’s walls, killing D-914-47, as well as scratching Dr. Hort’s skull. SCP-914 was not damaged. On the output booth’s floor remained a pile of various chemical compounds and a 20cm-long specimen of Gallimimus bullatus, which was standing atop of the pile. The specimen retains ''Reepicheep's'' ability to turn into gas, its composition and, according to Dr Hort, its personality. It has lost its ability to fly although it is now capable of jumping up to heights of 2.47m.
Note: Due to security reasons, the test will not be performed a second time. Dr Hort has been reprimanded and will have to repair the room's walls.
Note: Moral of the lesson - incinerate the pets. The other moral of the lesson - don't accept pets from SCP-914 in the first place. I'm sure that after one of Dr. Veritas' marathon lectures, those two facts will be deeply impressed into Dr. Hort's memory for many years to come. - J.R. Kai
Note: I already need a holiday again. - Veritas
Test 914-1375
Name: Junior Researcher Reimer
Date: 15/01/2020
Total Items: One copy each of six researchers' personnel files
Input: One copy of Dr. Cleveland's personnel file
Setting: 1:1
Output: One copy of Dr. Cleveland's family tree
Note: It's odd that many of his family members committed suicide in 2001. I wonder what happened? - JR Reimer
Note: You will have your amnestics, Louise. The truth involved an anomaly regarding Anglican weddings; for the record, I was absent that day. - Dr. Cleveland
Note: I was nearly assigned to Johnny, but they transferred me when they found out I'm easily sick - Junior Researcher Pines
Input: One copy of WR Markham's personnel file
Setting: Fine
Output: A photo of WR Markham and SR Vil sharing a kiss.
Note: That hasn't happened as of now. I've never been to the Ruínas de São Paulo in Macau. - WR Markham
Input: One copy of RA Walker's personnel file
Setting: 1:1
Output: The same file, translated into Armenian. The only inconsistency from the original file is that his hometown is not redacted.
Input: One copy of Researcher Darby's personnel file
Setting: Fine
Output: A list of people killed/injured by the actions of Researcher Darby's tests, sorted by nationality.
Note: How did Darby manage to get so many people killed without getting killed himself? - Intern Sora
Input: One copy of JR Reimer's personnel file
Setting: 1:1
Output: A map of Salt Lake County, with West Jordan highlighted; and a photo of JR Reimer reading the Bible and the Book of Mormon.
Note: And you're still going to troll me with LAR Manufacturing, Inc. after a full year. I know I'm a Utah girl through and through (aside from being a Baptist), but that's ridiculous. - JR Reimer
Input: One copy of Researcher Cho's personnel file
Setting: Fine
Output: One photo of Researcher Cho holding ''Jeff'' and ''Olive'' in her hands.
Test 914-1376
Name: Researcher Luna
Date: 15/01/2020
Total Items: Two Three cloned 24-karat gold bars, one 4-karat cloned diamond
Note: The purpose of this test is to refine items that would normally be too expensive to risk destruction. - Researcher Luna
Input: One gold bar
Setting: 1:1
Output: Twenty four golden carrots.
Note: I took a break and forged them back into a bar to use for the final test alongside the diamond. - Researcher Luna
Input: One gold bar
Setting: Fine
Output: An unchanged gold bar. A gold bar that transforms any biological matter it touches into solid gold. Effect was discovered when the D-Class operating 914 picked it up, their body was instantly transformed into a solid gold statue of themselves, and the bar fell to the floor. This effect is not reversible. After extensive testing, it has been discovered that pouring water over the statue will revert the effect over the course of approximately 9.14 minutes. Bar picked up with tongs and incinerated.
Note: It's like the Midas Touch but in reverse. - Researcher Luna
Input: One gold bar (reforged after the 1:1 test), one diamond
Setting: Very Fine
Output: An anomalously formed alloy of the gold bar and the diamond. Visually identical to a non-anomalous gold bar. Testing has shown the alloy is as hard as diamonds, as strong as steel, and as heavy as gold. Placed into Anomalous Storage.
Addendum: Stress testing show that although it is as hard as diamond, it is also as brittle, and consequently extremely vulnerable to fracturing when pressure is applied at certain angles.
Test 914-1377
Name: Weapons Researcher Markham
Date: 16/01/2020
Total Items: 100-gram samples of gallium, germanium, arsenic, selenium, and bromine; one note reading "Heads up!"
Note: Since 914 is familiar with most elements that exist, we'll see how it reacts to some of these. In addition, I'll do a separate test during this time. - WR Markham
Input: 100 gram sample of gallium
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A single, fluid metal tentacle. Testing showed that it is anomalously kept at a constant temperature of 29.7646°C (melting point of gallium) regardless of environment.
Input: 100 gram sample of germanium
Setting: Fine
Output: Three enclosed germanium wires, each averaging a thickness of 0.5 mm. One is in the shape of the German Empire, another in the shape of Hesse, and one in the shape of the city of Darmstadt.
Note: Germanium, hassium, darmstadtium. One of two or three chains of elements that can be expressed in the form of nation-state-city. The other two are americium, californium, berkelium; and ruthenium, moscovium, and dubnium (assuming that ruthenium does refer to Russia). - WR Markham
Input: 100 gram sample of arsenic
Setting: Fine
Output: A miniature model of the human skeleton, made of arsenic and arsenic trioxide.
Note: Did it refine any air that might have been trapped in the sample? - WR Markham
Input: 100 gram sample of selenium
Setting: Fine
Output: A topographical map of the Moon in Robinson Projection.
Input: 100 gram sample of bromine
Setting: Fine
Output: A model of SCP-914 made of solid bromine. Melted within minutes after output was collected to reveal a puddle that is in the shape of the number 914.
Input: Note reading "Heads up!"
Setting: Fine
Output: A smaller note, reading "You have lost head privilege" and a picture of two cartoon characters resembling Gumball and Darwin from The Amazing World of Gumball revealing a guillotine.
Note: Dr. Cahill, you said that there will only be one meme showing up; you're wrong. Also, I'm worried that 914 may want me to live as a permanently decapitated woman, which is detrimental to any and all social life. - WR Markham
Test 914-1378
Name: Dr. Hort
Date: 16/01/2020; 17/01/2020; 18/01/2020; 19/01/2020
Total Items: Four brass wristwatches, the hands of which indicate that the time is 9:14
Note: All four tests were performed at 9:14 AM on four consecutive days.
Input: One wristwatch
Setting: Coarse
Output: One disassembled wristwatch. All of the gears and seven other mechanical parts are missing.
Note: Why would 914 steal such small pieces? I wonder if it works better now. - Dr. Hort
Input: One wristwatch
Setting: 1:1
Output: One wristwatch whose hands move counterclockwise, reaching the 9:14 position at the same time as a normal watch.
Input: One wristwatch.
Setting: Fine
Output: One 7cm-tall replica of SCP-914. It does not function as the original does; however, its gears turn every day at 9:14 AM and 9:14 PM, producing a mechanical sound and the output booth opens, revealing a figurine that resembles a random researcher only to close again after 10 seconds. The output broke when Dr. Hort attempted to disassemble it.
Note: We'd gotten six statues of Researcher Cho, three of Professor Wren, two of Researcher Darby and one of Dr. Hort himself before he broke it trying to figure out where all the extra material used to make the figurines came from. - Junior Researcher Kai
Input: One wristwatch
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One seemingly identical wristwatch
Note: What the hell happened? I was turning 914’s key and right after I blinked I was eating salad next to this weird test log. As soon as I find out what this crazy machine did, I’ll add it to the test log. - Dr. Hort
Note: The wristwatch has the anomalous effect of erasing all memories that research personnel working inside the facility had of the events that took place between 9:14 AM and 9:14 PM of 19/01/2020. All activities in that time period had been carried out normally.
Test 914-1379
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 17/01/2020
Total Items: Two scalpels traditionally used by mohel for brit milah
Note: I had the honour of being invited to the brit milah of Dr. Meyer's nephew. During the ceremony, I noted that the moher seemed to have a little trouble with doing the deed, so I hope that we could perhaps invent more effective tools for doing the deed, with the exception of perforating clamps, which may not be accepted by all Jews. - J.R. Kai
Input: One scalpel
Setting: 1:1
Output: One fruit knife
Note: Work with me here, 914. Circumcision, not murder. - J.R. Kai
Input: One scalpel
Setting: Fine
Output: One scalpel that has a slightly curved blade to assist in the milah. Has the anomalous property of converting blood to olive oil.
Note: Once again, 914 has created something useful but also utterly useless. The output has been incinerated. - J.R. Kai
Test 914-1380
Name: Researcher Connolly
Date: 17/01/2020
Total Items: Four photos of Researcher Connolly, one photo each of four different symbols, four copies of H.G. Wells’ The Time Machine
Note: I know this is likely a fool’s gambit, but past logs have shown that 914 may be somewhat accurate in predicting the future. These tests will attempt to replicate that. - Researcher Connolly
Input: One copy of The Time Machine, one photo of Researcher Connolly, one yin-yang symbol
Setting: Fine
Output: A letter addressed to Researcher Connolly, from someone named Marcus. The letter depicts various misdeeds and mistakes Connolly has committed, and ends with a warning to consider “cause and effect”. There is no date on the letter.
Input: One copy of The Time Machine, one photo of Researcher Connolly, one crucifix symbol
Setting: Fine
Output: An excerpt from what appears to be the Gospel of Marcus, a nonexistent book of the Bible. The excerpt details the events of the arrest, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus Christ from the perspective of a Roman soldier who is implied to be Researcher Connolly.
Note: I think having me be the one to pierce Jesus’ side was a bit overkill, 914. - Researcher Connolly
Input: One copy of The Time Machine, one photo of Researcher Connolly, one heart symbol
Setting: Fine
Output: A love letter, in Researcher Connolly’s handwriting. Letter details the positive effect the subject has had on Researcher Connolly’s life and mood. The letter is undated, and no clues as to the identity of the subject are present, though upon reading, Researcher Connolly started blushing intensely and immediately admitted the letter into his possession.
Note: Uh, I’ll just keep this, if you all don’t mind… Where’s the closest incinerator? - Researcher Connolly
Input: One copy of The Time Machine, one photo of Researcher Connolly, one photo of the Foundation logo
Setting: Fine
Output: A pile of ash and a note, simply reading, “Only enemies speak the truth. Friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.”
Note: This is a quote from The Dark Tower, one of my favourite books. What exactly are you trying to say here, 914? - Researcher Connolly
Test 914-1381
Name: Intern Scott
Date: 17/01/2020
Total Items: One glass mason jar
Note: Only one test. I got curious. - Intern Scott
Input: One mason jar
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One visually unchanged mason jar that removes the emotions of the person who opens it
Note: Intern Scott retrieved and opened the jar upon which he collapsed and the jar anomalously closed itself. He was sent to the medbay and upon further examination by Dr. Insano, was diagnosed with alexithymia.
Note: This feel strange. I don't feel angry or sad, just calm. - Intern Scott
Note: The jar has been transferred to Anomalous Storage until further notice.
Note: If he opens the jar again, will he get his emotions back, or be sent to limbo? - Researcher Connolly
Test 914-1382
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 17/01/2020
Total Items: One photo of Dr. Cleveland's family in 1995, one photo of Dr. Cleveland and his siblings in 2015
Note: Then versus now. There were good days before Johnny crashed the wedding party in 2000. Also, they are photocopies to the original. - Dr. Cleveland
Input: Family photo, 1995
Setting: Fine
Output: A photo of the Cleveland family vacationing in Mérida, Yucatán, Mexico in 1998. The three surviving Cleveland siblings are not visible.
Note: Come on, 914. Don't remind me of the time when my father was robbed by gangsters… - Dr. Cleveland
Input: Siblings photo, 2015
Setting: Fine
Output: A photo of a frowning Julie Cleveland grilling a turkey in the backyard of Dr. Cleveland's house in Memphis, Tennessee. At the back is a note that reads "Nelson, don't you forget to come over for Thanksgiving! And Julie, how did you manage to maintain a healthy body despite the unhealthy diet? - Richard".
Note: Thanksgiving 2018, the last Thanksgiving before I joined the 914 team. Nice one, 914. - Dr. Cleveland
Test 914-1383
Name: Intern Scott
Date: 18/01/2020
Total Items: Three expired passports from the United Kingdom, United States of America and Russia
Note: These are from some relatives. - Intern Scott
Input: One passport from the United Kingdom
Setting: 1:1
Output: One passport from the fictional country "United Federation"
Note: That's either a reference to the game "Papers Please" or "Star Trek". - Intern Scott
Input: One passport from the United States of America
Setting: 1:1
Output: One passport from the fictional country "Kolechia"
Note: Ok, that's definitely from "Papers Please". I think the next one should be "Arstotzka", so I'm just going to put it in on Very Fine. - Intern Scott
Input: One passport from Russia
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One booklet of paper which resembles a passport with an eagle on the front cover
Note: That's definitely the "Arstotzka" eagle, but the passport is different from its appearance within the game. - Intern Scott
Note: The "passport", when held, has the effect of changing the holder's mannerisms to match a generic border control agent. Upon approaching a subject, they will say, "Papers please." in a monotone. While this phrase is said, the subject will anomalously be unable to move. If no papers are given, the subject will be anomalously disintegrated transported to a random location 500 metres away. If a passport that is out of date is given, the subject will be teleported to a random location 500 metres away. Should a valid passport be given, the subject will be told, "Cause no trouble." and released without any further incident.
Test 914-1384
Name: R&D Technician Fae
Date: 19/01/2020
Total Items: Three standard wireless laser printers (faulty)
Note: I've gotten my office printer replaced twice at this point, and all three have stopped working. Maybe 914 can actually fix something for once. - R&DT Fae
Input: One standard wireless laser printer (faulty)
Setting: Fine
Output: One anomalous wireless laser printer. When a print request is sent through, the printer compels the nearest individual to utilize any available writing utensil as well as a sheet of the printer's paper and write a seemingly random error message pertaining to the situation.
If no paper is present, the individual will instead write "Error: Please replace paper in tray." on the nearest scribable surface, usually the subject's own skin.
Testing has yet to reveal any documents other than error messages.
Note: Is 914 having a go at me? I never thought I'd see myself write "Error: Insufficient levels of competence to complete this request." Also, could someone please write up some test procedures for this thing? I don't want to see another D-Class write "Error: Insufficient pigmentation range." in his own blood because someone forgot to hand him a pen. - R&D Technician Fae
Note: Maybe it can combine two broken printers into one working printer? - R&DT Fae
Input: Two standard wireless laser printers (faulty)
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One 3D 4D printer. The printer takes standard 2D printing requests yet always outputs a near perfect black cube that operates on four spacial dimensional axis. Slight yet notable color variations between outputs have been recorded, however individual color percentages never rise above 12.2%. The printer still accepts standard A4 paper to perform this task.
Note: The printer's anomalous properties were not discovered until the output of the initial test was dropped on retrieval by R&DT Fae, causing it to move along it's 4th axis and disappear before hitting the ground. Analysis of possible high-capacity data storage as a result of the extra dimension is ongoing, however hampered by the difficulty of handling any produced objects. - Site Manager
Test 914-1385
Name: Dr. Dorin
Date: 21/01/2020
Total Items: Six stacks of printing paper in multiple colors (white, blue, red, green, yellow, brown), one cardboard box spray-painted silver on the interior and exterior with measurements similar to SCP-1762, five photographs of SCP-1762 (taken prior to SCP-1762 being classified as Neutralized; depicts SCP-1762-1 and instances of SCP-1762-2)
Input: Six stacks of printing paper in multiple colors (white, blue, red, green, yellow, brown), one cardboard box spray-painted silver on the interior and exterior with measurements similar to SCP-1762, five photographs of SCP-1762
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One extremely elaborate paper origami diorama depicting a fantasy setting and a variety of typical fantasy creatures. The diorama has a cardboard foundation. The diorama includes origami dragons similar to instances of SCP-1762-2. The diorama has no observable anomalous properties.
Note: Honestly, that went as well as could be expected, I am not pushing my luck any further. Fantastic work of art, however. Requesting that the diorama be moved to the break room or some other location in Site 19 and placed in a glass case just so nobody gets any funny ideas… - Dr. Dorin
Note 2: While we were relocating the diorama to another location so 914 could be used again, the origami creatures on it all suddenly came to life and scattered in all directions. Revising classification to anomalous. I knew 914 had some kind of trick to surprise me with somehow. - Dr. Dorin
Note 3: Found them all hanging around my office. Very affectionate and almost completely harmless, potential paper cuts aside. Possible 'paternal' connection? Main problem is that the diorama wouldn't fit in my office even if I wanted it there, and I'm worried about the animate origami distracting me from my work. I'll have to figure something out, I suppose. - Dr. Dorin
Test 914-1386
Name: Researcher Luna
Date: 21/01/2020
Total Items: Six cloned SCP-500 pills (from this point on referred to as SCP-500-038.)
Note: Here is an excerpt from SCP-038's file detailing the qualities of cloned SCP-500: "Document #338-2: It has been noted that SCP-038 is able to clone SCP-500 — however, such pills only work 30% of the time, with chance of successful healing dropping as time since cloned increases. In 60% of the cases where the infection is permanent, symptoms of infection remain, though further infection is neutralized." Also, I am skipping the Rough and Coarse tests just in case it turns out something in it is heavily radioactive or it has antimatter in it or something. - Researcher Luna
Input: One pill of SCP-500-038, estimated 28% chance of successful healing
Setting: 1:1
Output: One pill labeled "dado immune systim fixer-upper pill by dado" [sic]. Upon being ingested by a D-Class, said D-Class immediately died. An autopsy revealed the cause of death was the transmutation of all red blood cells in the body into white blood cells. Body incinerated.
Input: One pill of SCP-500-038, estimated 27% chance of successful healing
Setting: Fine
Output: One pill. Sent to Site-23 for duplication in case of beneficial properties, to prevent waste of the only one in existence. Upon ingestion of pill, D-Class tester died instantly. Personnel supervising the test reported seeing SCP-049 enter the room and say something about its cure being "most effective." Testing area put into lockdown. After reviewing security footage and contacting Site-19, it was discovered that not only did nothing enter Research Cell 109-B, but SCP-049 was observed to be in its cell at the time of the incident. Corpse and backup copy of pill incinerated.
Input: Four SCP-500-038 instances, each estimated to have a 25% chance of successful healing
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A pill visually identical to SCP-500. Sent to Site-23 for cloning. After being ingested by a D-Class with cancer, it was discovered that the effects of the pill have a 100% chance of success, but only the symptoms and further development of the cancer was stopped, but the cancer was not cured. Cloned version has the same effect, but only 20% of the time, with the success rate dropping exponentially the longer the pill has been removed from SCP-038. D-Class returned to cell, and cloned instances were incinerated.
Test 914-1387
Name: Senior Researcher Vivic
Date: 21/01/2020
Total Items: Two USB flash drives.
Input: A USB flash drive with the pilot episode of the animated adult cartoon Hazbin Hotel.
Setting: Fine
Output: The entire first season of the show Hazbin Hotel on a slightly different USB flash drive. After viewing, viewers are unable to explain anything they have seen about the show, excluding the pilot episode due to a hidden cognitohazard within every frame of the animation.
Input: A USB flash drive with the pilot episode of the animated adult cartoon Helluva Boss.
Setting: Fine
Output: An entire documentary on James Darwin, creating of the Darwin Award and the drive also contains an image of Darwin's signature.
Note: I think this might be a warning, kinda surprised it didn't rename it to a Darby award. - Vivic
Test 914-1388
Name: Dr. Meyer
Date: 21/01/2020
Total Items: One solar panel (1x1m), six Type C batteries, one laser pointer, one taser, 2kg of steel scraps, 2kg of copper scraps.
Input: 500 grams of Copper, 500 grams of steel, two batteries.
Setting: Fine
Output: A steel ring with a copper coil mounted on top of it, and a small dial is attached to its side. The coil is constantly emitting an electromagnetic field and its shape changes as the dial is turned, ranging from a long cone to a nearly flat plate.
Input: The solar panel.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A 1 meter x 1 meter panel which is completely black, and absorbs all wavelengths of light with 100% efficiency.
Input: Previous output, laser pointer, two batteries, 1kg of copper, 1kg of steel.
Setting: Fine
Output: A completely black orb that is about 20 centimeters in diameter and is capable of flotation. Similarly to the previous output, the orb absorbs all wavelengths of light with 100% efficiency. Additionally, after absorbing enough light, a concentrated beam will be shot out from the orb, has been recorded penetrating up to 2.5 meter of reinforced concrete. Object placed in anomalous storage due to the risk on an accidental discharge if incineration was attempted.
Note: I assume that the cost of repairing the hole in the wall of the testing chamber is coming from my paycheck? – Dr. Meyer
Note: Good news! You don't have to assume, you can expect it! - Veritas
Input: Taser, two batteries, 500 grams of copper, 500 grams of steel.
Setting: Fine
Output: A 25 centimeter long rod, reminiscent of a light-saber hilt from the Star Wars franchise, albeit about a third as long. A small switch is located on the side of the hilt, which when flipped it causes the edge of the hilt to starts generating plasma. The plasma quickly cools down, but the holder of the device may still get burnt by it. The device stopped working after 4 seconds of activity, presumably due to depleting its power source.
Note: It generates plasma but doesn’t control or direct it, and it quickly ran out of power. Give me an hour, I’ll try to set something up. - Dr. Meyer
Addendum: Dr. Meyer took both the output and the first output to his office. After half an hour he returned with a device composed of the two outputs, and a small generator. A part of the hilt has been removed and an electric cord connects it to the generator, and the copper coil has been mounted around the hilt as well. When the device is turned on it still generate plasma, but now it’s contained within the electric field the coil generates, similarly to how light-sabers are portrayed in media. Additionally, using the dial on the side of the coil, it is possible to reform the contained plasma into a plate-like shape. The device proceeded to work for about 10 minutes before its various components began to melt down.
Note: It was fun while it lasted. – Dr. Meyer
Test 914-1389
Name: Dr. Cleveland
Date: 22/01/2020
Total Items: A printed copy of all stories written by Deviantart writer ██████████████, 150 sheets of A4 sized blank paper, two generic black pens, a map of the Balkans dated 2013
Input: Printed stories, 125 sheets of blank paper, black pens
Setting: Fine
Output: A 416-page, hardcover Russian novel, titled Rouge (Румяна), with no attributable author. The story takes place in an alternate 2006, in a world where the Fermi 1 power plant meltdown in 1966 created a dimensional anomaly, leading to the events mentioned in most of the input stories. The novel focuses on the deuteragonist of one such story, and reimagined her as a mute model who was fleeing ableist persecution. The pens are presumed to have been absorbed into the book cover.
Note: This can be interpreted in both directions. Either 914 is an ableist, or it's a hardcore anti-ableist. The way it characterized Cassandra gave her an unsympathetic outlook instead of the genki girl she was in the original story, and the plot often verges on black and black morality. - Dr. Cleveland
Input: 25 sheets of blank paper, map of the Balkans
Setting: Fine
Output: A topographical model of the Balkans and surroundings. International borders and major cities are drawn on them.
Note: These aren't the national borders as they existed in our world however. There still are Slovenia, Croatia, and Romania, but the similarities end there. There's a Free Serbian Republic based out from Vojvodina, a Greek Kingdom in the Peloponnese, Crete, and the Ionian and Aegean Islands, and a Syndicalist Union of the Balkans. With Serbs, Bosnians, Croatians, Montenegrins, Macedonians, Bulgarians, Albanians, Greeks, and Turks all lumped under one country, one can only imagine how peaceful that country must be. - Dr. Cleveland
Test 914-1390
Name: Intern Regal, D-74031
Date: 22/01/2020
Total Items: Four flash drives containing a system cleaner software and four computers
Note: Considering the kind of work the Foundation does, I thought that trying to get a file destroyer or something of that level would be worth the trouble. I’m using a D-class to handle every output due to the inherent risks of testing with SCP-914 and four computers with no connection to any Foundation servers to test them. - Intern Regal
Input: One flash drive containing a system cleaner software.
Setting: Fine
Output: One flash drive containing a program that when run, will format the computer which uses it, leaving itself installed with the anomalous effect of not being able to be deleted by any conventional means. The output program’s size increases by the sum of deleted files each time it is used. Item placed in Anomalous Storage.
Input: One flash drive containing a system cleaner software.
Setting: Fine
Output: One flash drive containing malware that automatically will brick any computer connected to it within 5 seconds. Item incinerated.
Note: The malware was discovered after several tests when a technician looked for possible causes. Even though "bricking" generally means that the data on a device isn’t recoverable through normal means and cannot be fixed, we repair the damage done to several connections in the motherboard to avoid using more computers. - Intern Regal
Input: One flash drive containing a system cleaner software.
Setting: Fine
Output: One flash drive containing a program capable of deleting any files contained in the computer it is currently running on, regardless of its necessity to maintain functionality or the lack of adequate privileges to access it. Once a file is deleted using the output, it will be impossible to reinstall it or copy it to the computer. Item placed in Anomalous Storage.
Note: This was the kind of thing I expected, although a bit less impactful than what I had hoped for. Placed in Anomalous Storage until any high-level personnel who might need it picks it up. - Intern Regal
Note: I’ll go forward with the final test on Very Fine and considering the risks involved, the proper personnel have been notified and are on stand-by. - Intern Regal
Input: One flash drive containing a system cleaner software.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One flash drive with a non-executable "Memory?.exe" program. The output has the anomalous property of altering the way memories are handled by any human subject with prolonged exposure to it. No significant effects were discovered with less than 10 hours of exposure; between 10 and 25 hours, it causes the subject to only remember events as abstract descriptions and lose the ability to recall memories using images. Any subject exposed for more than 25 hours will be incapable of remembering any event from their past but will retain their personality and basic knowledge. Item placed in Anomalous Storage.
Note: I’m gonna leave the choice as to whether or not its usefulness outweighs its risks to the higher-ups. - Intern Regal
Test 914-1391
Name: Dr. Auerbach
Date: 22/01/2020
Total Items: Three copies of the 2016 Disney movie Moana.
Note: As Rough and Coarse are predictable (I read some test logs at Facility 23 before going into Research Cell 109-B), I will skip those settings. -Dr. Auerbach
Input: One copy of Moana.
Setting: 1:1
Output: A copy of Zootopia.
Note: Zootopia won an Oscar and Moana was also a candidate. I wonder if 914 knows about the Oscars! - Dr. Auerbach
Input: One copy of Moana.
Setting: Fine
Output: A copy of Moana where some characters have been replaced with SCP objects and Foundation personnel. The notable changes are:
- Moana has been replaced with SCP-811.
- Maui has been replaced with Dr. Bright.
- Hei-Hei has been replaced with an instance of SCP-3199.
- Pua has been replaced with a miniature version of SCP-4511.
- Moana's father has been replaced with Dr. Clef.
Input: One copy of Moana.
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A plastic boat resembling Moana's raft. The boat immediately moved out of the Output booth before crashing into a nearby wall and being shattered. The boat moved at an extremely high velocity as if on a sea with winds reaching 45km/h. Minor damage was done to the walls of the chamber.
Note: Dr. Auerbach has been given a warning for causing minor damage to the chamber walls. Any more damage caused by him will result in Dr. Auerbach's testing privileges being suspended for a week. - Dr. Veritas
Note: It's my first test. I did not expect 914 to turn an innocent Walt Disney Animation Studios movie into a dangerous plastic raft like that. - Dr. Auerbach
Test 914-1392
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 22/01/2020
Total Items: One █████ brand ATV, one piece of paper containing the emoticon "UwU"
Note: Decided to test the limits of SCP-914 again, then I ran out of budget. - J.R. Koop
Input: █████ brand ATV
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One levitating ATV that is powered by several superconductors. Item disassembled after it was noticed that the floor below the ATV started to crack as it began to freeze towards absolute zero (0K).
Note: This is why you don't always destroy stuff with the incinerator. If I put that in there, we'd have to get the thing repaired once again. - J.R. Koop
Note: Glad you're learning. - Site-19 Maintenance
Input: Piece of paper containing the emoticon "UwU"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One piece of papew that wen viewuwud, makes aww peopwe that wead it vewwy uwu and nya!!! One piece of paper containing a cognitohazard that, when viewed, causes the viewer to communicate, whether by speech or text, to speak as a stereotypical "neko", or Japanese catgirl.
Note: UWA?! - Wesowchew Minuwu uwu
Note: Item incinerated, but not after Miniwa scratched me a ton. - J.R. Koop
Note: I looked into this after Lucius asked me to administer amnestics to some of you due to ''mental health concerns''. While I don't think that that's necessary, I remind all personnel that cognitohazardous material should be handled by designated personnel. - Hackett
Test 914-1393
Name: Dr. Thompson
Date: 22/01/2020
Total items: One plastic bag
Input: Above mentioned
Settings: Very Fine
Output: One visually unchanged plastic bag. When the bag comes in contact with human flesh, the plastic will melt.
Note: We also found out that it was edible. It kinda tastes like cherry. - Dr. Tamsen
Note: Dr. Thompson/Tamsen has been transferred to the Intensive Care Unit of Site-19 after large amounts of plastic found in his digestive system interfered with his… health. Do I want to know how that happened? - Psychiatric Specialist Dr. Insano
Test 914-1394
Name: Intern Sora, D-114
Date: 23/01/2020
Total items: One set of spring festival couplets.
Note: For those who don’t know, you’re supposed to stick these on your doors for the Lunar New Year as per tradition in China. They have uplifting poems written on them and are thought to expel evil out of your house. - Intern Sora
Note: I was given an extra set by my relatives when I was over in China visiting. I'll stick them in 914 to see what it’s gonna do. - Intern Sora
Input: One set of couplets
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A 1m-tall origami figure of the legendary monster Xi. Upon opening of output booth, output immediately moved out and attacked Intern Sora. Intern Sora received minor cuts from sharp paper edges. Output neutralised by live fire from guards on-duty and was incinerated as a precaution.
Note: According to legends, that monster was said to have roamed the villages and eat people during the Chinese New Year. Then the people discovered that its weakness was red things and firecrackers and defeated it on New Year’s Eve. I wonder if 914 is aware of other cultures. - Intern Sora
Test 914-1395
Name: Dr. Hort
Date: 23/01/2020
Total items: Eight petals, each one extracted from a flower of different colours and species as the others.
Note: Biological testing cleared. -O5-██
Input: One rose petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A physically unchanged petal. It produces intense feelings of lust within whoever observes it.
Input: One treasure flower petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A physically unchanged petal. D-914-16 reported a burning sensation upon retrieving it, although his hand maintained the same temperature throughout the experiment.
Input: One dandelion petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A physically unchanged petal. D-914-16’s finger transformed into pure gold immediately after touching it. Further testing revealed that the petal only has an effect on organic matter.
Input: One ‘Green Star’ gladiolus petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A green sewing needle made of cellulose and other materials. If the needle pierces a non-sentient object, the object will anomalously move in random directions for about ten seconds.
Input: One ‘Blue Nile’ flower petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A physically unchanged petal. The petal has the ability to paralyze any limb it touches. The effect lasts for thirty minutes.
Input: One monkshood petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A small cellulose capsule containing a poisonous substance fifty times more potent than the monkshood’s poison. The capsule was fed to a mouse, which later exploded.
Input: One daisy petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A white orb that emitted light for three minutes. The orb failed to manifest any anomalous effects afterwards.
Input: One black dahlia petal
Setting: Very Fine
Output: A physically unchanged petal. D-914-16 died upon touching it. The corpse did not show any signs of injury.
Note: All outputs have been placed in Anomalous Storage. The mouse’s corpse and D-914-16’s corpse have been incinerated.
Note: Apparently 914 focused on the meaning of the colours and not the petals themselves. Interesting… - Dr. Hort
Test 914-1396
Name: Intern Faris
Date: 25/01/2020
Total Items: Three paperback copies of the Oxford English Dictionary.
Input: One dictionary
Setting: Coarse
Output: One stack of papers, twenty-six individual puddles of ink forming the shape of each letter of the English alphabet.
Input: One dictionary
Setting: Coarse
Output: One dictionary, the contents of which have been altered so that each page now consists of varying single letters listed in alphabetical order. Further analysis showed that the number of letters and their typesetting matched the equivalent page of the original dictionaries.
Note: The following test notes were written with the assistance of Junior Researcher Kai.
Input: One dictionary
Setting: Coarse
Output: One dictionary, the contents of which appear identical to the original. Contains a cognitohazard that causes anyone attempting to read the book to suddenly become incapable of recognising written English. Effect is not triggered if viewed through any recording medium. Initially discovered by Intern Faris upon retrieval of the output. Further testing showed the inability to process written words to be continuously anomalous in nature, as any progress made in relearning to read would be suddenly lost in regular three-minute intervals. No abnormal effects observed while reading other languages. Effect faded after approximately 5 hours, at which point all reading ability was restored. Result incinerated.
Note: Having my ability to read disassembled instead of the book was as interesting a result as it was terrifying. I suppose hoping to avoid such dangerous tests by sticking to Coarse was overly optimistic on my part. - Faris
Test 914-1397
Name: Junior Researcher Koop
Date: 25/01/2020
Total Items: One cartridge of the video game "Splatoon 2," one plush toy of "Marina," one of the main idols in the game.
Note: I am NOT attempting to make another "waifu" with 914, I know what would happen if I tried. Lock the research cell, if you really don't trust me. - J.R. Koop
Input: One cartridge of "Splatoon 2"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One cartridge containing the game "Call Of Woomy," a game similar in playstyle to the Call of Duty series and the Splatoon series. Item placed in break room after passing anomalous screening.
Note: Now that I think about it, we must have an entire library of unreleased 914-brand video games. One of the perks about the Foundation, I guess. - J.R. Koop
Input: Plush toy of the character "Marina"
Setting: Very Fine
Output: One animate plush of a Amphioctopus fangsiao². Item placed in anomalous storage after seemingly dying from hypoxia.
Note: Oh. - J.R. Koop
Footnotes
1. "Woomy" is a gibberish phrase that the player avatars in the Splatoon series say, usually with happiness or joy.
2. Webfoot Octopus
Test 914-1398
Name: Junior Researcher Kai
Date: 25/01/2020
Total Items: Sixteen paperback copies of "Shakespeare Insult Generator: Mix and Match More than 150,000 Insults in the Bard's Own Words"
Input: All sixteen copies
Setting: Very Fine
Output: Twenty three anomalous paper cones that imprinted on various personnel around Facility 23. Capable of insulting people whom the imprinted subject dislikes in a distinctively nasal voice using Elizabethan-era English.
Input: Twenty two of the above output
Setting: Rough
Output: One large compressed pile of paper, blackened at the edges with soot. A large cognitohazard that replaces affected personnel's linguistic capabilities with that of an average Elizabethan-era layman's is burnt onto the top of the pile of paper.
Note: Good riddance I say, thou insults upon me where otherworldly and I hath no words to retort that we be at thine very least respectful to thy mother! - Vivic
Note: He'll be fine after a shot of amnestics, and I'll get right to it. - Dr. Zane
Test 914-1399
Name: Junior Researcher Collins
Date: 25/01/2020
Total Items: One bottle of [REDACTED] brand bourbon, one bottle of [REDACTED] brand bitters, one bottle of homemade simple syrup, one rocks glass filled with three ice cubes.
Note: It seems that through all the SCP-914 tests, no one has tried to get it to make a cocktail. The goal of this test is to see if SCP-914 can create an Old Fashioned. Seemed like a relatively safe option for my first test. – Junior Researcher Collins
Input: Above items
Setting: 1:1
Output: One cocktail visually similar to an Old Fashioned. When tasted by a D-class, it was revealed that the proportions of the bitters and bourbon had been reversed.
Note: Frankly, that is offensive to the taste buds. If anyone (outside of work hours) would like an Old Fashioned using the output recipe in place of regular bitters, you're more than welcome to ask me for one. I’d be happy to mix one for you. – Junior Researcher Collins
Cite this page as:
"Experiment Log 914" by Dr Gears, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/experiment-log-914. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
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