Eggplant Election Special
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Deer Independent Courier & Chronicle

Don't Whistle While You're Pissing

Portland, Mars Boomtime, Aftermath 5th, YOLD 3182 Happy Maladay!

Pope Gryps Phallacious

Welcome, everyone, to the worst time of the year: Student Body Election Season. For the next two weeks, campus will be a bloodbath, as the candidates battle for the hearts and minds of the Deer populace; votes and spells alike will be cast, until eventually a champion stands above us all, the new Student Body President, lord and master of all they survey. Or at least of how we allocate the student body funding. I, your duly self-appointed Deer College Pontifex Maximus, am here to tell you who the candidates are, and which one you should vote for.

Mordecai Diabolus, SB President-For-Life: The incumbent and front-runner, President Diabolus is the definite favorite; the Antichrist Amendment to the Student Body Constitution actually guarantees it, unless someone can disprove his claim to being the Son of Satan. Diabolus' "Crime And Chaos" platform is popular with a large number of disaffected Deeries, although his campus-wide vaping ban has angered many.

Gwenhwyfar Thistlebranch, SB President-In-Exile: The incumbent and front-runner, President Thistlebranch is probably going to win the popular vote but lose the election (due to the Antichrist Amendment, as noted above). Some of her supporters believe that her status as a member of the ancient Sidhe nobility make her a natural leader, while her detractors claim that she's "aristo scum" who should "get the guillotine".

Mallard Wiggins, Libertarian Protest Candidate: Best known for being that kid who stands outside the library wearing a V For Vendetta mask, Wiggins is the very definition of a single-issue candidate: his only campaign promise is a repeal of President Diabolus's vaping ban. Wiggins is popular among year-round shorts guys, gamers, and that one asshole in your philosophy class who won't shut up about Ayn Rand.

Acheron Ajax, Illuminatus Primus: The only candidate to actually admit to being in the pocket of the Bavarian Illuminati, Acheron Ajax claims that he will bring about a "new world order" if elected. His controversial campaign slogan, "Heute der Campus, Morgen das Sonnensystem"1, has been plastered all over campus on stylish posters featuring the all-seeing eye of his patrons.

Søren Kirkiguaana, The Cute Pet: While there is a rule that says dogs can’t be president2, there is no rule for iguanas. Søren Kirkiguaana is the pet of Alchemy/Theology (Theoretical) major Christine Kreuz-Rosen, and while his campaign posters (featuring him in false sideburns and a top hat) are adorable, he probably won’t do very well at the polls.

Those are the 5 candidates that actually matter; while a few other students (and non-students, notably Ralph Nader's Ghost, who has been running every year since its separation from his body in 1966) are running, the Law of Fives and the amount of space on this page demand that we ignore them. When Mordecai eventually wins by default, I'll be in the library with a bucket of "Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Eris" pins for anyone who wants them.

Taylor Shipton

Aquarius: Venus is in retrograde in your sign right now, so your relationships might get a little rocky. And by “a little rocky”, I mean “mutually assured heartbreak is just around the corner”. Unless you’re single, in which case, you’re probably feeling pretty smug right now.
Pisces: The stars are looking up. Well, I guess they’re looking down at us, but you know what I mean. Good things are coming your way. Your lucky numbers are 5, 17, 23, φ, and beige.
Aries: If your family has an ancient curse upon it, rejoice! It’ll be gone soon. If your family doesn’t have an ancient curse upon it, spend the next week being very kind to all fae, witches, elderly women, and deities in disguise that you meet.
Tavros: This week is an auspicious time for new romantic relationships. I’m free on Friday after 5, or any time Saturday. Slide into my DMs if you’re interested.
Gemini: Alchemists believe that quicksilver is the key to immortality. Since Mercury is in your sixth house right now, it’s a good time to try out that theory. Let me know how it goes!
Cancer: This is a good time to shake things up. Get a haircut; try out a new extracurricular activity; transfer to another school. Cut all your ties, and run while you still can. It’s too late for me. Save yourself. Go. Now.
Leo: Mars and Saturn are in your sign this month. If you ever wanted to leap up onto the table and strangle that libertarian in your philosophy class, now is the time.
Birdo: Hey, remember Potter Puppet Pals? The mysterious ticking noise? Yeah that was funny stuff. Anyway, watch out for pipe bombs.
Libra: Invest in bitcoin. It’ll work this time, I promise. Look, it went up a hundred bucks! Hit sell! Wait no no no stop! Oh fuck. Oh shit. I’m so sorry. That’s my bad, dude.
Scorpio: You’re intelligent, good-looking, and mystically powerful. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You are valid. Go get ‘em, tiger.3
Sagittarius: I’ll be dead in the cold hard ground before I recognize Sagittarius. What’s next, we make Jupiter a planet? Please. Liberals have gone too far.
Candycorn: Nibiru and Yuggoth have aligned, indicating the rise of the dreamer from beneath the ice! All will perish in a psychic apocalypse of mind-rending nightmares!! Wait, hold on, I forgot to account for daylight savings. False alarm.

Curated by Beatrix D. Sacher-Masoch

It's a beautiful fall day: the leaves are falling, the geese are flying south, and your good buddy Trix is back with another hand-picked selection of missed connections from Deeries too awkward and gay to actually talk with one another.

1. you: ordered a pizzadilla with bacon & chicken strips at the caf.
me: didn't know that was an option.
you: should share more secret menu hacks with the rest of us.

2. In thanks to St. Jude for favors granted. -AW

3. you: hot maxwellist with the circuit diagram face tattoo
me: unitarian with the spicy takes about Saint Sophia
we: talked for like six hours after that Religion 302 conference
we: should do a little more interfaith bonding ;)

4. you: are the dancing queen
young and sweet
only seventeen

5. you: have weed
me: needs weed
you: should sell me weed
me: not a cop i promise

6. We: made out in the stairwell after Crystal Ball
I: don't remember your name
You: might not even go to Deer? unclear
We: should make out some more

7. you: whoever keeps posting that "st jude" missed connection
me: tired of your spooky illuminati shit
you: meet me on the quad at midnight on the full moon
me: going to kick your ass

8. I: need virgin's blood for my thesis project
You: have never had penetrative sex (ANAL COUNTS)
I: will give you serious thesis karma if I can snag a pint or two of that red stuff

And that's all we have space for this week. Remember, if you think one of these is about you, shoot me a DM and I'll do my best to connect y'all. Good luck, kiddos.

Manny Arguez

Hey hey, guess who's back! It's your best buddy Manny, fully recovered from the nasty bout of leprosy that I mysteriously contracted after revealing that local parabiotechnology entrepreneur DR. RICHARD WURMBRAND was cheating on his wife! I've got a nice fresh batch of unconfirmed rumors, wild speculations, and outright fabrications about the personal lives of local celebrities, so let's not waste any more time!

Anartist "it couple" ANNIE WORMHOLE and LISA MOAN have announced the birth of their son, UNTITLED. NOBODY knows how they got the italics on the birth certificate, but he isn't sharing; I assume it was some sort of sinister art-hex. Or bribery.

JONATHAN MARCUS NORTON, a claimant to the imperial throne of America left vacant since the death of EMPEROR JOSHUA NORTON I, has arrived in Portlands after being exiled from the traditional imperial seat of San Francisco for public intoxication, indecent exposure, and petty larceny. He can be found holding court in the 24-hour diner on Avenue Avenue.

Deer's incumbent student body presidents, GWENHWYFAR THISTLEBRANCH and MORDECAI DIABOLUS, were seen leaving Auntie's Phở together late last Wednesday. Political conspiracy? Forbidden romance? Sinister doppelganger? I know what I'm hoping for!

J. EDGAR BIGFOOT, the supposed illegitimate half-sasquatch child of late FBI director J. EDGAR HOOVER, died this week in Saint Trismegistus Hospital after a long battle with brain cancer. All of his assets were willed to the J. Edgar Hoover Defamation Fund.

Alternate-universe punk rock legend EDDIE FILTH, frontman of the FUCKRIFLES, was one of seven individuals arrested during a raid on a CHAOS INSURGENCY safehouse in the Jurassic District. When reached for comment, Filth gave us a single square of toilet paper on which he had drawn a crude caricature of QUEEN ELIZABETH being decapitated by an orc, or possibly a troll.

THE MAYOR remains an inscrutable enigma as always.

If you've got hot gossip for me, shoot me a DM on Void! I won't credit you or acknowledge you in any way, but you'll get a chance to be a part of something greater than yourself. Unless that gossip turns out to be legally actionable, in which case it's all you baby.

Sports Correspondent (Unofficial) Sofia Haugen

Hey douchebags, welcome to Sports Corner! Today's column is about why my ex is a fucking bitch! You might be saying, "Sofia, what does this have to do with sports?" "Sofia, isn't this a little petty for the newspaper medium?" "Sofia, you don't know anything about sports, why do you have a sports column in every student newspaper here, even Thee Alchymyst?" Well, the answers to those are as follows:

i. Diana is on the Fightin' Unitarians, a SPORTS TEAM.

ii. I got suspended from Void for telling a neo-nazi to commit sudoku so this is my only public platform until like, next Wednesday, and my editor said that I had to write a column this week or I'd be fired4.

iii. Every time the moon hits waning gibbous I black out for a few hours and wake up in a pile of pre-ban Four Lokos and football opinions5.

Anyway, on with the actual article. My now ex-girlfriend, Diana6, who cheated on me with a teammate (MORE SPORTS TOLD YOU) let me know (via text message like a coward) that she had chlamydia, and that she had probably been infected before the last time we had sex. And because I have worse luck than a professional mirror-smasher, of course I also have it.

I don't really have anything else funny to say. I have chlamydia because of my cheating bitch ex. That's all. If you could pay me in bitcoin this week that'd be great, I want to buy some experimental DMT analogues off the dark web and this "Psych0naut_69" guy doesn't take American Express7.

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Who Are You Voting For?

PGP: Acheron Ajax. Ewige Blumenkraft!
TS: I have forseen the winner, so I am voting for Søren, because it does not truly matter.
BDSM: Mordecai's "Succubus Subsidy" makes him the only truly femdom-positive candidate.
MA: The nobility always make the best gossip, so the longer Gwen stays in the public eye, the better.
SC(U)SH: Never got back to us, but I think she vapes, so probably Mallard. -The Mgt.

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