Dr. Ikari, I presume
rating: +53+x

"Dr. Alto Clef." Gendo Ikari steepled his fingers. "Your presence here in Tokyo-3 is… unexpected to say the least."

"Yeah, well, that was kind of the point." Dr. Clef tossed a crumpled stack of papers onto Dr. Ikari's desk. "The higher-ups ordered a surprise inspection, and appointed yours truly as investigator numero uno, and in a worst case scenario I'm to take control of the base myself."

Dr Ikari glanced at the paperwork. "This really isn't necessary, you know. You know as well as I do that Site-49 is perfectly capable of running itself."

Dr. Clef gave Dr. Ikari a suspicous look. "Riiiiiiggghhht…" he said. "So that assistant director who turned out to be a double agent that you yourself appointed was…?"

"Nothing more than a mistake on my part." Dr. Ikari steepled his fingers. "Believe me, I have nothing more than the Foundation's best interests in mind…"

"I'll be the judge of that." Dr. Clef looked at his watch. "Look, I don't like assignment and neither do you, so lets just get it over with as quickly as possible, okay?"

"Very well then." Dr. Ikari got up from his chair. "Where shall we begin?"

Dr. Clef walked down the hallway, surveying each of the glass-walled containment cells as he passed by.

"So… what is this, again?" he asked the blonde young man accompanying him.

"This is our Anomalous Humanoid Containment facility." said Dr. Light Yagami. "As you know, we get a disproportionate number of humanoid entities here in Site-49, so we needed to build a special facility just to contain them all. True, there is a greater than risk of containment beach, but Agent Zero assures us that-"

Suddenly, a dog-eared man with long, silver hair dressed in a red Kimono slammed against the window of his cell, and began to scream. "Damn you, Yagami, you son-of-a-bitch!" he said, "When I get out of here I'm going to tear your throat out! You hear me? You and that freaky clown!"

Dr. Clef eased away from the window. "…shouldn't you be a bit more concerned?"

"I wouldn't worry about it." said Yagami. "That's just SCP-7328. He's been under the delusion that I'm being stalked by a 'death god'. Crazy right?"

"For the last time…!" the SCP screamed "…my name is Inuyasha! IN-YU-YASHA!" he pounded out each syllable for emphasis. "And are you people blind?! He's RIGHT THERE! BEHIND YOU! How can you not see him?!"

"…actually I was more concerned about him making good on his promise." said Dr. Clef, glancing over his own shoulder. "Are you sure this room is safe?"

"Nah, it's okay." said Dr. Yagami, pointing at the window. "This may look like ordinary glass, but it's actually a transparent nanoweave mesh seven thousand times stronger than steel. Even 682 would have a hard time breaking it."

"Uh… right." said Dr. Clef, who was still looking around the room for the 'death god'. "Can I speak with the head of security?"

"Sure thing." Dr Yagami pointed down the hallway. "Just take that elevator back up to the third basement, take a left turn at the corridor, and just follow the signs until you get there."

"Erm, thanks." And with that, Dr. Clef set off on his own, leaving Inuyasha and Dr. Yagami alone with the death god.

"So what did you think of that one?" said Light. "Do you think he suspects anything?"

"I think he suspects a lot of things." Ryuk responded. "Probably not anything specific, though."

"Okay, now you're just taunting me!" Inyuyasha began pounding on the glass. "Cut it out!"

Ryuk chuckled as he stared into Inyuyasha's cell. "And thanks for bringing me back to see this guy." he said. "It's always funny to watch him flip out like this…"

"You guys are SO dead when I get out of here!"

"I assure you, I have everything under control." said Agent Zero.

Dr. Clef, however, was less than convinced. Maybe it was arrogant way that he carried himself, or the subtle inflection of his voice that made his claims seem too good to be true…

Or maybe it was the fact that he was dressed like a rejected Power Ranger. After all, a purple coat, black cape, and face-obscuring helmet was not exactly the foundation uniform. Then again, Dr. Clef's co-workers included a talking dog, and a mind-controlling amulet possessing the body of an orangutan, so what did he know?

"Well, everything certainly LOOKS in order…" clef glared at the masked man. "Still, I'm rather concerned about your policy of establishing offsite strongholds…"

"I understand your concern completely, doctor." said Zero. "If I were you, I would say that these were the actions of a man planning to start a rebellion."

Dr Clef frowned. "Are they?"

"Only if I had a reason to. Such as, for instance, if the foundation were to grow corrupt, or had lost sight of it's original purpose…"

"…or if a site was compromised by an enemy faction." Replied Clef. "Is that what you're saying?"

Zero nodded. "That COULD be the case, yes…" Zero paused to let the message sink in. "But it's actual purpose is to cut down on transportation costs by having men available in various key regions without having to establish additional task forces."

"Ah yes, how silly of me…" Dr. Clef raised an eyebrow…

"This is SCP-4218-01, right?" Dr Clef stared at the giant purple robot suspended in the cooling tank.

"That is it's official designation, yes." said Dr. Yuki Nagato. "But for the purpose of linguistic convenience, it also bears the title 'EVANGELION UNIT-01'."

"I see…" Dr. Clef stroked his chin. "What's it do?"

"I'm afraid that's classified." Yuki replied.

"Why do you need teenagers to pilot it?"

"Also classified."

"What kind of weapons does it have?"


Dr. Clef shook his head. "…is there anything you can tell me about this thing that isn't classified?"

Yuki turned to stare at the Evangelion for a full minute, and then turned back to the doctor. "It's purple."

Dr. Clef rubbed his forhead. "Okay, lets take this from the top. Your name is… what now?"

"My name is Dr. Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the Fourth, the Ultimate Foundation Basketball Playing Computer Guru Samurai extraordinare!" The red-haired kid begain to spin around in her office chair, and shouted "WEEEEEEE!"

Dr. Clef grimaced. He never liked kids that much. "And how did you get this job again?"

Edward was now making a cat's cradle out of a pair of rubber bands, while simultaneously typing on her computer's keyboard with her feet. "I hacked into this encrypted server one day to pull a prank, and added an article about a cool guy I made up, so then the black helicopters arrived and creepy glasses man offered me a job!"

There was a resounding "thud" as Dr. Clef forehead made contact with the desk in front of him.

Dr. Clef stepped into the office of Site-49's assistant director. "Excuse me: I was hoping I could have a word with you about your staff…"

"DESPAIR! THE SURPRISE INSPECTION HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!" the assistant director wailed. "Dr. Clef is surely here to take my position, and now I'm going to be demoted to D-Class so I can be shoved into that mountain with all the people-shaped holes!"

"Uh… I only wanted to…"

"I DON'T WANT TO BE A STICK FIGURE!" he removed a noose from his desk drawer, and tied it to the ceiling fan. "My only choice is to end it all! Good-bye cruel world!"

The ceiling fan then collapsed upon the assistant director, whereupon he curled up into a fetal position and began to cry.

Dr. Clef began to slowly back out of the office…

"So, how was your visit, doctor?" asked Gendo Ikari.

"Fucking terrible." said Clef. "Your containment facility is just asking for a mass breakout, your assistant director is a nervous wreck, and the rest of your staff are weirdos."

"I see…" Dr. Ikari steepled his fingers once again. "So will you be taking control of Site-49, then?"

"Fuck no!" said Dr. Clef. "This place is a time bomb just waiting to go off, and the foundation's not going to have anything to do with it." Dr. Clef began to storm out of the office. "Enjoy your last days, asshole." he said before slamming the door.

Audio log recovered from [DATA EXPUNGED]
SEELE-01: How did the 'surprise' inspection go?

Gendo Ikari: Exactly as planned: The Foundation now wants as little to do with Site-49 as possible.

SEELE-07: Excellent. Now the human instrumentality project will proceed without inturruption…


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