Dr. Caraway and Agent Sias Fight Over Pelican Meat
rating: +21+x

Dr. Faran Caraway had just had the worst, most awkward phone call of his life.

It wasn’t often that comically evil capitalists called your personal office line. It was even less often that said evil capitalists openly admitted to intentionally wiping out entire species of animals for fun and profit. Somehow Caraway had experienced both in a single phone call. It made him sick, it made him exhausted…

It made him really crave the pizza he had brought for lunch.

So, after a marathon writing session adding the details of his incredibly uncomfortable phone call to SCP-6968’s file and bemoaning the fact that they were a single digit away from greatness, he grabbed his lunch and headed off to the breakroom. It was nearly 2pm, so certainly it would be empty and he’d be able to get his lunch in and out of the microwave in no time flat.

Unfortunately his personal demon had other plans, and once again a mild inconvenience stared him down as Agent Basil Sias walked in next to him.

“Oh, hey, Faran!” Sias said with a bright smile. He was one of the Foundation’s best and brightest, truly. Whenever the Foundation’s work called for someone to deal with sensitive interpersonal issues, Sias was the one they called. He was one of the top members of the Department of Interpersonal Communications for a reason. The man could talk his way out of anything.

“Basil! Late lunch? That’s not like you.”

“Yeah, unfortunately Toby was a little needy today. He had a bad dream last night and not even Udy was able to calm him down. He said he wanted ‘dad’. Took them forever to figure out he was talking about me.”

“Really? He called you dad?” Caraway laughed as the two unknowingly approached the microwave together.

“Yeah, who would’ve thought? I knew he liked me but I didn’t realize it was that much. The researchers are worried about encouraging that kind of relationship, but honestly I don’t see what the problem is. If it makes the kid feel better, let him. Honestly we’re all just too caught up in our own….bureaucracy…”

Sias’s voice trailed off as both men reached for the microwave handle at the same time.

“Oh, uh…sorry but would you be willing to wait a few minutes, Faran? I know it’s late but I’m absolutely starving here.”

Caraway shook his head. “I’m just cooking a pizza, Basil. It’ll take like two minutes, tops.”

“What kind of pizza.”


“What kind of pizza, Faran. What kind of pizza are you cooking.”

“The kind of pizza doesn’t matter, Basil. It’s like a two minute endeavor. What are you even cooking that takes a few minutes?”

“Oh I got this really great bangers and mash dish from that endless meat producing pelican that Wilson’s got the other day. It looks really good.”

“You got….meat from a pelican. Where did it come out of?”

“Oh, uh, like the…mouth or something?”

Caraway simply stared at Sias.


“You didn’t read their Critter Profile, did you?”

“It doesn’t matter where the meat came from! As long as it looks good, tastes good, and doesn’t kill me we’re fine. I’m fine! Other people have tried the pelican meat anyway, and they’re all fine. It was just a thanks for helping them with Delphi a few months back.”

“Agent Goose cooked some pelican poo meat in here the other day and the entire break room was unusable for two days, Basil. Not only did the damn thing explode but it REEKED.”

“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad! Just let me use the microwave and-”

Caraway grabbed Basil’s arm before he could reach the microwave door. Basil was considerably larger than Caraway, but Caraway was no small man. His grip was firm, authoritative. The grip of a man who was being kept from his lunch and at risk of experiencing another pelican poo meat incident. Not today.

“Come on, Faran. Don’t be like this,” Basil tried to free his arm, but Caraway’s iron grip held true.

“I’m hungry, Basil. I just had the worst call of my life and if I don’t eat this pizza within the next five minutes I’m going to start breaking chairs.”

“I was here first, Caraway. I don’t want to fight you on this, but I will.”

“Try me, Sias.”

The two stared in intense silence at each other for a solid minute before Caraway leaped at Sias, tackling him to the ground and sending his plate of pelican meat tumbling to the ground. The two grappled with one another, rolling around on the floor smashing sausage and potatoes beneath themselves. Neither was able to gain an upper hand, and their grips on one another began to fail as sausage grease began to coat them both. When grips failed, they turned to direct action with a mixture of biting, scratching, and pulling of hair. Truly it was a sight to behold as the two professional adults tore each other apart on the floor of the empty break room, eventually knocking over the trash can and adding garbage on top of the grease and sausage they were already coated with. Their struggle was only interrupted by the sound of a closing microwave door and robotic beeps of someone entering a time in. Both sat up and looked to see who had stolen their prize from them before they had the chance to claim it as their own.

“Hey guys! What’s up?”

“Goose?” Caraway said, brushing a mixture of gum and lettuce off of his lab coat.

“…Yeah? You two ok?”

Caraway and Sias exchanged a glance at one another, then turned back to Agent Goose.

“Yeah, we’re good,” both replied in unison.

“Oh, you got some of the pelican meat too, Basil? It’s so good, I’m cooking another batch right now!”

“MotherFU-” Caraway began to shout as a loud boom echoed through the break room and a familiar stench began to fill the facility.

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