Document 1326-82
rating: +110+x

List of works found within SCP-1326, listed under their corresponding index numbers. Index numbers are inputted by rotating the dials on SCP-1326's cover to the desired values, pressing down on the dials until they click to register the change in position, then inserting SCP-1326-1 into its keyhole and unlocking SCP-1326. The circular and hemispherical dials are numbered 1-360 and A-G, respectively, with each combination of number and letter corresponding to different content. Inserting multiple consecutive combinations of values has been found to yield different results than those yielded by the individual combinations, and inputted values will continue to "stack" until SCP-1326 is opened. Due to the mass quantities of potential combinations, this document is considered incomplete and will be updated as new combinations are tested and their results recorded.

Please use the following format in this log.

Index #:

Index #: 36-A
Contents: English translation of Art of War, by Sun Tzu.
Notes: Translation was accurate and appeared to be formatted for casual reading.

Index #: 12-D
Contents: Zoologist's Guide to the Care and Feeding of Sea Scorpions (author unknown).
Notes: Illustrated text explaining how to properly raise Eurypterids (an extinct arthropod) in captivity, written from the standpoint of one experienced with their care. Writing style implies the book to be a recent work despite Eurypterids having been extinct for over 250 million years.

Index #: 1-E
Contents: Latin translations of Elvis Presley songs.
Notes: Side-by-side presentation of song lyrics in English, Latin, and English pronunciation guide to Latin lyrics for ease of comprehension. Latin lyrics fit original music with little deviation.

Index #: 45-G
Contents: Foundation documents written by Dr. ██████ on various SCPs.
Notes: Exact replicas of documents lost during Incident 1326-█, as well as additional notes by Dr. ██████ not present in the original copies.

Index #: 46-G
Contents: Autobiography of Dr. ██████
Notes: Life of Dr. ██████ recorded in great detail, recorded up to Incident 1326-█, where it ceases abruptly. Includes a great deal of personal and private information about Dr. ██████, including his inner thoughts about various people and events encountered during his lifetime, as well as private moments.

Index #: 172-C
Contents: Beginner's Guide to Memetic Kill Agents, by ██████ ██████
Notes: Research Assistant Greene managed only to read past the words "Chapter One" aloud before suffering a grand mal seizure and dying of multiple brain aneurysms. All subsequent readings of SCP-1326 to be carried out by D-class personnel only.

Index #: 263-F
Contents: Pressed flowers of the Rosaceae family organized alphabetically by species name, then genus name. Every known genus of Rosaceae was represented in addition to several previously unknown variants. All specimens were bonded to the pages of SCP-1326 by unidentified means, and could not be removed or defaced. First recorded instance of SCP-1326 producing objects as part of its content.

Index #: 45-E-45-G
Contents: The Secret Lives of Centipede Nymphs, author unknown
Notes: Documentary of the culture and religion of a species of sentient, semi-humanoid arthropods in their native habitat. Accessed by accident after inputting the incorrect index for Dr. ██████'s notes, then inputting the correct index without opening SCP-1326. Inputting multiple index combinations into SCP-1326 found to yield different results than inputting either single combination.

Index #: 1-A-1-A-1-A-1-A-1-A-1-A
Contents: Are We There Yet?, author unknown
Notes: The two sentences "Are we there yet? No." repeated exactly 40,000 times.

Index #: 12-G-12-C-7-F
Contents: Fourteen Fun Knitting Projects, by ████████ █████
Notes: An illustrated guide to fourteen (14) knitting projects written in a child-friendly format. Notably, illustrations and text indicate that people attempting said knitting projects will have eight (8) fingers on each hand.

Index #: 9-A-10-C
Contents: The Gentlewoman's Guide to the Perpetration and Proper serving of Castaway Squirts, by Lady ██████████ of Derbyshire. No such individual has been historically recorded.
Notes: A description of how to capture, identify from human castaways and prepare for human consumption creatures resembling SCP-1014. Also contains tips for ideal table settings while serving.

Index #: 238-B
Contents: User's Guide to HOGMA Knish-8 with Vapidity, by JASTRE019R45R0722-110
Notes: User's manual describing the installation and capabilities of a piece of software (Knish-8) for a device (the HOGMA) which allows the user to genetically modify "hollow" (undifferentiated?) plant material to produce cultivated plants with desired qualities. "Vapidity" may be a form of digital rights management. Textual clues indicate authorship by a non-human (robot?) in the Canadian Nation of World Peace, Triumphant, in the year 112 (approximately 2220-2250 by the Gregorian calendar).

Index #: 35-A-35-B-35-C-35-D
Contents: Mój ulubiony marsjanin, no author listed
Notes: Transcripts of 15 episodes of My Favorite Martian (episodes 1, 5, 7, 17, 22, and 38-47) translated into Polish. Retranslation reveals the adaptation as highly faithful, save that all lines spoken by Ray Walston's character "Uncle Martin" have been replaced with lines spoken by Robin Williams's character "Mork" from Mork and Mindy.

Index #: 180-C
Contents: The Epic of Gilgamesh, one of the earliest surviving literary works known to man.
Notes: Abridged translation of the original Babylonian script, written in modern English. Translation mostly accurate save for the removal of some descriptive lines deemed "redundant" by the editors.

Index #: 111-A-111-A
Contents: Engineering Blueprints for an unknown device, author unknown
Notes: Visual blueprints for an elaborate robotic device, somewhat resembling SCP-753. Text exists but is not in any language which has so far been translated by the Foundation.

Index #: 12-C-13-A
Contents: Common Application Format for a patent from the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO), by the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO)
Notes: Not filled out.

Index #: 4-G-4-G-4-G
Contents: Theological material of the Church of the Hanging God, author unknown
Notes: Theological material for an unknown religious cult claiming that as life is suffering, all faithful should simply commit suicide to go directly to the afterlife. Notable in a difference from most suicidal cults, the document claims it is a sin to attempt to kill others than the faithful as a method of conversion.

Index #: 9-A-10-B-11-C
Contents: The Tale of Theadora the Teddy Bear, author unknown
Notes: A children's picture book involving the adventures of an anthropomorphic teddy bear named Theadora. Normal apart from the ending in which a group referred to as "Secretive Creepy People" kidnap Theadora.

Index #: 238-C
Contents: The Disinfection and Sterilization of Prion-Contaminated Medical Instruments, author unknown
Notes: 3 pp. pamphlet apparently adapted for public dissemination from original scientific research. CDC logo at top of first page, no other publication data given.

Index #: 9-A-19-G
Contents: Lifeburst, Jack Williamson
Notes: Science fiction novel printed by Del Rey (October 12, 1985). Matches published version apart from an absence of page numbers.

Index #: 222-G-222-G
Contents: The Balled of the [UNTRANSLATED] Siðe, author unknown
Notes: Apart from title, handwritten in [DATA EXPUNGED] on the inner cover, contents consists entirely of unidentified symbols vaguely resembling those carved into SCP-093 and illustrations, apparently produced via oil paint showing a vaguely humanoid creature wearing robes which prevent observation of details. Based on background details in said pictures, it is assumed that said humanoid is at least four (4) meters in height.

Index #: 359-A-260-B
Contents: Poetry about Fish™, FishWrite™ Corporation
Notes: Assorted poetry regarding fish. Said poetry is generally of poor quality.

Index #: 22-B 42-C 69-A
Contents: Ballad of John Klaxtorfon[sic], author unknown
Notes: Contents were completely incomprehensible, save for the title. Archived for reference purposes.

Index #: 22-C 99-A
Contents: 1,200 Ways To Die Involving Fire, But Not Involving A Lighter, author unknown
Notes: A list of exactly 1,200 death scenarios involving fire. The word lighter, or anything pertaining to a lighter, was never mentioned in the list.

Index #: 2-A-2-G-9-G
Contents: Book of Long Shadows, author unknown
Notes: A collection of rhyming poems expressing human misery. Several sections are prefaced with a warning not to read the poems within aloud.

Index #: 1-A
Contents: De finibus bonorum et malorum, Cicero.
Notes: The famous section "-lorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit" begins at page 7, with the "do" of the initial "dolorem" cut to page 6. The last page has a single phrase, centered: "factum est".

Index #: 5-C-5-C-5-C
Contents: Novomundus Transcontinental Railroad - Ticket Types, Novomundus Regent Board of Transportation
Notes: Fourteen (14) differing types of railroad tickets written in an altered format of Latin.

Index #: 12-A-13-D-1-G
Contents: Twenty Flightless birds of the Ravelwoods, author unknown
Notes: A guidebook referring to twenty (20) species of flightless birds. Apart from the common turkey, none are presently known to science, although if captured ████████, and ██████ would be considered to require SCP classification.

Index #: 17-F
Contents: Lord Blackwood Meets The Dread-Mother, author anonymous
Notes: Describes the encounter of British explorer and naturalist Lord Blackwood with SCP-597 or a similar creature. Surprisingly tasteful.

Index #: 1-B
Contents: Pest Control for the Imaginative Mind, D.I.Y. Adventures!™
Notes: A 32-page pocket guide detailing various non-traditional ways of controlling insect infestations. Of the 1,024 methods listed, only 533 were proven to be safe for indoor use.

Index #: 5-A
Contents: A heavily modified version of the Torah, written in original Biblical Hebrew.
Notes: The Book of Leviticus is missing, Deuteronomy has been cut down and merged with Numbers. Genesis has been heavily altered. The story of the world's origins includes the creation of "wild men" alongside with Adam and Eve, a far larger emphasis on Lamech and his family and the extermination of the "wild men" by the hands of an entity named "Mit'har". The story of Noah and his ark is almost three times as long. The Nephilim are described in a far greater detail, and play an active role throughout the book. Copy of the book was sent to the Foundation's theological research department for further analysis.

Index #: 4-B-3-G
Contents: One Thousand and One Years, Ackerman
Notes: Features 1001 short stories, all of which span exactly one year. Most stories follow the themes of captivity, torture and needless physical experimentation. About 800 of the stories include or hint at an all-powerful male character named "Ackerman".

Index #: 8-C-8-D-8-E
Contents: London's Many Secrets, Andrew D. Paull
Notes: A tourist's guide to the city of London, published in 1899. Two of the book's chapters deal with secret underground complexes beneath the city. No such complexes were ever found, even when following the book's exact directions to them.

Index #: 360-G
Contents: A single untitled limerick about cats and penguins
Notes: Reading the limerick induces gustatory synesthesia regarding the limerick. All readers have agreed that the limerick tastes like bacon flavored ice-cream.

Index #: 297-D-253-F
Contents: Young Alchemyst's Guide to Chemikals by Nikola Flamel
Notes: Illustrated in the 17th century style and written in archaic French in a format apparently intended for 10-15 year old children. It describes the alchemical symbols and the chemicals associated with them, along with the Philosopher's Stone and a universal solvent. Notably, mercury is not mentioned, and its place is taken by silicon.

Index #: 10-E
Contents: Pool Loop, author unknown
Notes: A single page with the palindromic phrase "In words, alas, drown I" written in blue ink. When read aloud, the lungs of reader will begin to fill with water until the reader drowns. █ personnel have died, resulting in Dr. █████████ requesting SCP-1326 to reconsider the containment procedures, with a response pending.

Index #: 360-F
Contents: How to do the coolest stunt and impress all of your friends©, by John Fresh McKoolest
Notes: Several pages filled with complex instructions for a single "epic" trick. All attempts at following instructions have failed due to manoeuvres that are thought to require the ability to manipulate time. Regardless of that fact, the end result is expected to be a "Front-side 360".

Index #: 18-G-10-A
Contents: Aframos Longjourney's Abridged Journal, Author's name is written in an unknown script.
Notes: The story, about two individuals traveling through a seemingly anomalous forest, appears to be a parody of a larger work.

Index #: 67-E-89-C-24-B
Contents: 2,000 Things You Should Never Write, by Johana Gregorio
Notes: Many pages filled with sentence and words from different known and unknown languages enumerated in line from 1 to 2,000. Reading such lines will cause no effect more than a faint dizziness in the subject, although writing them will provoke reactions that go from sudden decapitation to forgetting how to write at all. At the time of the experiment, no word has affected any person other than the writer. However, due to the dangerous nature of these words, Dr. █████████ joined Dr. █████████ request to reconsider the containment procedures of SCP-1326. Response is still pending.

Index #: 42-E
Contents: Esperanto translation of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams.
Notes: Translation has numerous errors.

Index #: 1-A repeated 76,000 times via robotic arm.
Contents: Letrainia, Author Unknown
Notes: A book documenting prophets Jesus Christ meeting Muhammad ██████ and discussing theology while scaling a mountain. While no reason for their climb is established it is implied that they met by coincidence despite historically living at different times. The mountain is civilized by people living in temples that function as cities that get stranger the higher up they are until they are seemingly random structures inhabited by primates. At the peak both men find a a small wooden shack containing a single chair looking out the window.

Index #: 33-A
Contents: Natural Shapes, Author Unknown
Notes: A guide to manipulating anomalous constructs into normal three-dimensional shapes. Every section starts with the name of the baseline shape followed by the instructions without paragraphs.

Index #: 111-B-360-D
Contents: Repair and Maintenance of an HP DeskJet Ink 48-WHISKY Printer, The HP corporation
Notes: An in-depth guide explaining repairs of a non-existent printer model. The guide goes into nearly every conceivable malfunction and describes many procedures that would require tools unavailable to the average consumer. Notably describes these repairs as "surgery".

Index #: 28-E-28-E
Contents: Fortnite Battle Royale Guide Book, by "N00b to Pro Gamer Guides", a psuedonym for an unknown author
Notes: The book contains several misspellings of Point Of Interest names from the game "Fortnite: Battle Royale"

Index #: 58-G
Contents: The Same Thing We Do Every Night, or The Art Of Villainy by Dr. ████ █████████
Notes: A book that's a combination of philosophy and comedy, written from the point of view of a self-proclaimed "mad scientist". Topics range from anarchist political beliefs, comparisons between advertising and the act of "brainwashing", to how to defend a Victorian-era castle from intruders using traps. Whether the author is playing a character or not is left unclear. Purportedly published in 2023.

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