SCP9000CONTESTHUB DO NOT RELEASE TO PUBLIC UNTIL 8/22 @ 11:59 PM EST
SCP-9000 Contest
Sports
Sports: the purest form of human expression. Unadulterated human strength, willpower, and teamwork, all displayed on a enchanting field of artificial grass with a bunch of sweaty guys wrestling one another. Truly, sports is the pinnacle of the cultured society. Tonight, SCP Wiki authors will be bringing their A-game to the stadium, going head to head and toe to toe in hopes of being a champion — and winning the slot of SCP-9000.
Let the games begin!
Entry Instructions:
Users must prove their qualification by meeting the following criteria:
- Successfully fill out the attached 27-page application PDF.
- Submit a DNA sample to prove your lineage is pure (descended from at least one of the following: F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ayn Rand, a former Tumblr poet).
- Letter of recommendation from your English professor.
- Write an SCP evoking the literary style of
syuzhet.
- Must be a legal adult under the age of 18.
Tagging:
The authors of improperly tagged pages will incur a tagging infraction. Any user that incurs three tagging infractions will be shot via the MAST sniper.1 Do not add the "9000" tag to your entry. We highly discourage you from tagging your own article. Instead, let your article be tagged by the kind volunteers on MAST. Do not add the "scp" tag yourself. This must be done by a member of MAST. Improper tagging will result in an infraction. MAST knows best. Do not question MAST. MAST knows best. MAST knows best.
Rules:
- Be a good sport.
- To ensure contest security, the total rating of an article will be hidden using CSS. Users are to solemnly pinky promise not to use Inspect Element to undo this.
- Readers are not allowed to downvote articles. In fact, you aren't allowed to upvote them either. We're beating
smlt with a golf club until he adds a remote proctoring feature to Crom, which you may use to view contest articles, to ensure that you do not vote on any of them.
- Oh yeah, novoting is also prohibited.
- The article with the highest rating at the end of the voting period will be the winner.
- Should there be a draw, the winner will be decided via knife fight.
- Any contestant who takes unusual and/or negative actions to increase their vote total, or decrease that of their competitors, will be congratulated for their skill and craftsmanship, and potentially recruited onto the contests team with possibility of further promotion being taken depending on the act in question.
- Anyone who uses the slur 'sportsball' will be summarily banned.
- 'Sports' shall be interpreted very narrowly. So long as you can explain how your work relates to Sports as a concept, in any interpretation, you're probably wrong. If you're not sure it'll count, it probably won't. We on the contest team don't have time to deal with this shit, as we're busy litigating a user who is threatening to donate 100,000 USD to the Heritage Foundation if they do not win the contest.
- All articles are subject to a word limit of 5,000 words. Articles may be longer provided that each 5,000-word segment is separated with a five-minute advertisement break.2
- Any user who states that they 'read [an article] for the ads' will be permanently banned for malicious reading.
- Performance-enhancing drugs (e.g. cocaine, alcohol, caffeine, DHMO3) are prohibited.
- Performance-reducing drugs (e.g. ChatGPT, Grammarly) are also prohibited.
- The contest marshals for the SCP-9000 contest are
ubergoober and
radian628, as the previous team has been fired for choosing the wrong contest theme. Ignore the fact that three hundred mysterious new accounts have upvoted our entries; this is a result of perfectly organic site discovery mechanisms due to our superior internet outreach skills.
- Investigating the dumpster behind
- Remember to stay hydrated!
Allowed Sports:
To prevent bad faith actors from interpreting the contest theme too loosely, or worse, bothering us to ask what counts as a "sport," the following whitelist and blacklist have been implemented. These lists are comprehensive, so don't heckle us with questions about whether Calvinball counts as a sport. Keep in mind that the contest theme is meant to constrain, not inspire!
Blacklist
- Golf
- Cornhole
- Microsoft Flight Simulator
- Fantasy Football
- Ice Fishing4
- Poker
- Competitive Eating
- Marathon (Racing)
- Shuffleboard
- Football (International)
Whitelist
- Competitive Bass Fishing
- Extreme Ironing
- Speed Cubing
- Air Hockey
- Cave Diving
- Strip Poker
- Toe Wrestling
- Marathon (The Real Housewives)
- Professional Tag
- Football (American)
FAQ:
Q: Can I write about Quidditch/Podracing/Chess/[other made-up sport]?
A: Only if you can defend us from the ensuing DMCA claims.
Q: What if I make up my own sport?
A: What, is it gonna be 'Competitive SCP Article Writing'? We're not that stupid. Fuck off.
Q: Do esports count?
A: Hey, can you stand in front of this large, suspiciously empty locker for a moment?
Q: What if I hate sports?
A: Don't I fucking know it.
Q: Can I submit a story where the real sport was friendship all along?
A: To prevent the formation of cliques and the inevitable voting bias that will ensue, entrants of the SCP-9000 contest may not have "friends".5
Q: Does rock-paper-scissors count?
A: Honestly, scissors are ruining the meta. I've been a world-class paper player for the past ten years and that made it fun and exciting; there's all sorts of cool strategies you can do, like covering rock, et cetera. But now that everyone's using scissors, it's ruined the game for me, because all they do is cut paper, cut paper, cut paper. I hate watching a sport I know and love be turned into derivative trash because they found an optimal strategy that sucks all the fun out of it. Rock paper scissors used to be cool.
Wait, what was the question again?
Q: Does the sport need to have balls?
A: That would be sexist.
Go nuts.
Awards:
- Controversial: Have more comments than upvotes. Bonus points if you get a three-paragraph dissertation in the comments.
- Total Whiner: Get banned from the site for complaining about the contest.
- Saboteur: Waste the most amount of time disputing pointless minutiae with the contest team.
- Master of Disguise: Successfully submit at least three articles to the contest, without being found out.
- The Jackal: Submit your entry less than one hour before the posting period closes.
- Better Bettor: Earn the greatest profit betting on articles in the Fantasy 9kcon Tournament, hosted by
Additional Info:
The contest team has decided that due to its pivotal position as the final four-digit SCP number, SCP-9999 is too important to be given to a single user by a mere contest. After suggesting another "proposal" system similar to SCP-001, the third organizer for this contest was nearly beaten to death by an angry mob outside their home. To prevent any further turmoil, we have decided that we will put the following new and original article in the SCP-9999 slot:
In lieu of SCP-9999, the runner-up to this contest may pick the SCP-10000 slot.
