Welcome To Deer
Deer is a magical place. Of course, you already knew that, it's probably what drew you here. But most of the admissions stuff is bullshit: it's for your parents more than you, to assure them that they're spending all that cash wisely. We asked prominent students to offer their thoughts on what incoming freshthings really need to know, and picked the only two that met our high editorial standards. And also one of them blackmailed us and the other bought us beer. Here they are.
Same As It Ever Was
Welcome, incoming froshmonds, to the worst four years (well, four point five on average, but who's counting?) of your life. In your time at Deer, you will experience terrors the likes of which you have never before seen: five-hour thaumaturgy labs, consecutive all-night cram sessions, bottomless mugs of cafeteria coffee, the all-seeing eyes of the community safety officers, and lurking at the end of it the Dreaded Senior Thesis. Your physical, mental, and spiritual health will deteriorate. You will churn out paper after paper, each on a subject more arcane than the last. Your parents will ask you what you're studying, and you will find yourself unable to answer. You will emerge from this experience a bitter, broken soul, who hangs around on campus long after graduation, hitting on people years younger than you in an attempt to relive the glory days before you were ground up in the gears of the terrible machine we call academia. Eventually, you will move on, leaving behind only footprints and terrible curses that will haunt campus for decades to come.
It's not all bad—in every dark cloud, there is a silver lining. You will meet exciting, interesting, and intelligent people, and form bonds with them that will last at least one lifetime, if not more. Your expertise in the mystical arts will be honed to a razor's edge, as will your ability to get that one libertarian in your philosophy class to shut the fuck up and let someone else speak. You will learn things man was not meant to know, perform deeds contrary to the laws of nature and of nature's god, and see the fabric of reality for the illusion that it really is—maybe even while you're sober. And when you're done, when you've slain the thesis snake, completed your group requirements, and walked across that stage at graduation, you will receive your final reward: a fancy piece of paper with your name on it, that's not actually good for anything in the real world because the FBI says we can't tell people where we actually went to school.
And at the end of the day, remember that it could be worse. You could be going to ICSUT.
— Mordecai Diabolus, Student Body President-For-Life
This Must Be The Place
Alright you're gonna have to just trust me: don't listen to anything Mordecai says, he's literally the Antichrist. I'm not 100% sure that they're gonna put his essay in, but he's got some serious blackmail material on the entire Student Senate, so it's almost a given. Thankfully, I can outbribe him any day of the week, so I'm pretty sure this message will get in there too. So, regardless of what he says, Deer Is Good. Well, the institution itself is fine, but the community and the people? Incredible. The professors are among the best in their fields, and most of the classes are small enough that you really get to know the people teaching you. There is always something happening on campus, whether that's a dance in the student union, an impromptu spell-duel on the quad, or even just a folk-music sing-along in your dorm's common room. Even the thesis isn't really all that bad, when you're in the thick of it; and if you choose a thesis topic you really love, it'll all be worth it.
That's not to say it can't be hard, sometimes. The administration, like with any bureaucracy, can be mind-numbingly slow to change; the CSOs will probably confiscate your weed once or twice; and there will, unfortunately, be people you don't like. The roommate who sexiles you while you're in the shower, the creepy alum who hits on you at a house party, and that one libertarian in your philosophy class who will not shut the fuck up (I'm pretty sure that guy is actually some sort of ancient curse or vengeful spectre, to be honest), these and more will be black marks on your time here. And sometimes, in the dark night of the soul that comes upon you when you've been awake for thirty-seven hours straight and your hands won't stop shaking long enough for you to type the next paragraph of your thesis, you will want to go back in time and warn your past self against coming here.
But even when Deer gets you down, remember that it could be worse. You could be going to ICSUT.
— Gwenhwyfar Thistlebranch, Student Body President-In-Exile
This Is Not My Beautiful Dorm
Now that you've been assigned to your dorms and met your roommates, it's time to learn the deepest secrets of how Deer campus housing functions. Every dorm has its quirks, and some of them are well-hidden; we feel that it's best that you stay informed, lest you take a wrong turn down a hallway and end up in the year 1999. Here are the major things to watch out for:
- The Old Dorm Block is haunted as hell. Invest in earplugs—the ghosts hold crazy parties on school nights.
- The language houses are probably the best housing on campus, with the exception of Enochian House, which does not exist and has never existed. If you meet someone who claims to have lived in Enochian house or taken classes in Enochian, cover your ears and run - do not walk - to the Community Safety office.
- Canyon House, on the other hand, does actually exist. If you get invited there and can't find it, ask a tree for help; if the invitation was genuine, the canyon-spirits will guide you.
- Anderson Hall used to have full smart-home functionality, before the Incident; if you find the hidden panels, each room does have a built-in surround sound system.
- Jokes about how people are dying to get into Haunted House are insensitive and give Necro majors the wrong ideas.
- Blackwood Hall is actually pretty boring. It's just a dorm, you know? Nothing special.
- Don't drink the punch at MadSci parties. It's impossible to know whether you're going to be part of the control group.
Extracurricular Activities
There's a whole bunch of stuff to do at Deer that isn't sitting in the library quietly weeping - like sitting in your dorm quietly weeping, or sitting in the cafeteria quietly weeping! But in all seriousness, if you've got something to do that isn't school you'll be able to cope much better with academic stress, and you might actually finish within four years. There are two a capella groups on campus, the Sooth Singers and the Young Republicans; the first performs traditional choral music, while the second is an edgy a capella punk group that mostly sings about the downfall of capitalism. There's always somebody down to play Dungeons and Dragons, which is weird when you think about it because there are already elves and wizards everywhere but you do you I guess. And if you're into that sort of thing, there are several religious groups on campus, including a Maxwellist group (WAN For All), a Discordian cabal (Golden Apple Youth), and a nondenominational Nalka congregation (Karcist Kollective).
Also, contrary to popular belief, we do have sports teams! The Deer Elks play in the Intermural-Extradimensional Rugby Conference, mostly against the various ICSUT campuses; the Double Dee Derby Squad is one of the most dominant teams in the ThreePorts Derby League, the most popular sport in town; and our ultimate frisbee, football, handegg, and ping pong teams are nothing to sneeze at either. We have also been instructed by the administration to remind everyone that Deer will never have a Quidditch team; any attempts to start such a team or play that game or any of its variations on Deer campus will be met with severe penalties, up to and including expulsion and permanent exclusion from campus.
Anecdotes, Rumors, and Blatant Fabrications
Internships, Externships, and On-Campus Employment
There's a whole bunch of internships available to interested Deeries - and some of them are even paid! Anderson Robotics loves hiring Deeries, since Ol' Vince himself went here back in the day, and you don't actually need to be a Comp Sci major to work there; they do enough with machine thaumaturgy that Thaum majors are always welcome, and I even know an Anart alum who works for them as a graphic designer. Prometheus Labs also had a ton of internships available before they folded, and most of the companies that broke off from the mothership are still in town and still happy to have an extra pair of capable hands on staff.
If you're looking for a job on-campus, there are a ton of opportunities for students with the right skills. The Thaumatology, Biology, and Alchemy departments are always in need of laboratory assistants and test subjects; the cafeteria and campus coffee shop don't pay super well but you get free food and caffeine; and if you're an experienced exorcist, explorer, or extortionist, the Library's got dangerous but well-paid work for you. Even though the Grounds Crew seems like a cushy gig, I wouldn't suggest it unless you're really in-tune with the unique ecosystem of the Canyon, or you like getting viciously attacked by trees.
Post-Graduation Opportunities
Even after graduation, Deer can help you find opportunities in whatever field you choose to pursue. The UIU's unique relationship with ThreePorts means that a not-insignificant number of alumni have joined up with the FBI, and while they are class traitors who will be first up against the wall when the revolution comes, it does admittedly pay pretty damn well. If you want to throw your lot in with Capitalism, red in tooth and claw, rumor has it that one of the senior partners of Marshall Carter and Dark, the world's skeeviest paranormal auction house-slash-gentlemen's club-slash-investment banking firm, was a Deerie, although nobody really knows where that rumor came from. And even though they have a special relationship with our rivals across town, some of the Occult Coalition's member organizations will hire any thaumaturge worth their salt.
The one sub-vela organization that does not hire Deeries is known by many names. The Janitorial Department, the Sane Clown Posse, the MIBs' MIBs; yes, I am speaking of the Dread Foundation. Alright, "does not hire Deeries" isn't entirely accurate. There have been reports of Deer graduates joining the Sinister Conspiracy Planners, but none of them have been heard from since; maybe they were disappeared, maybe they cut all ties with their former life, or maybe they never existed in the first place, and are just rumors planted to confuse and intimidate the rest of us. Either way, joining the Janitors is tantamount to declaring war on the magical world as a whole, and your humble editors cannot in any way recommend it.
Deeries in the Workplace
The Foundation's Sinister Influence
The Deer Student Newspapers
If you're interested in keeping your fellow students informed and entertained, there are three whole student newspapers, each of which is always accepting submissions. The first, and most "respectable", is the Odyssey, released each Friday and distributed for free in massive stacks in the cafeteria and library lobby; it's your classic old-fashioned newsprint periodical. Odyssey articles tend to be informative and only moderately satirical in tone, and are the best way for Deeries to learn about current events and the history of the school. The current senior editors of the Odyssey are Ismail Muhammed (⁂callmeismail) and Maria Dracu (⁂nitrousferatu).
The second, and by far the least respectable, of Deer's student newspapers is the Deer Independent Courier and Chronicle (also known as the Eggplant, for its logo), published by the campus Discordian group, the Golden Apple Youth. The Eggplant is almost entirely satirical, full of conspiracy theories, jokes, baseless accusations, and horoscopes; but, when they actually buckle down and decide to do some investigative journalism, they hit that ball all the way out of the park. The Eggplant is published every fifth day, and like the Odyssey is found in piles in strategic locations across campus; the editor is the Golden Apple Youth Episkopos and Senior Theurge, currently Pope Gryps Phallacious (⁂big_green_bat).
And finally, there's Thee Alchymyst, Deer's quarterly journal of student-created art and literature. If you want to get your poetry, fiction, photography or visual art published and build up that portfolio, Thee Alchymyst is the place to go. They won't publish just anything; the editors are known for being picky, and for preferring substance over style. But it is known that anyone who is accepted to Thee Alchymyst is Noticed by the world of Anart, even if their art isn't necessarily anomalous, so a huge number of Deeries try their luck. Thee Alchymyst is free to Deeries and alumni, although you need to request that a copy be sent to you; to those who have not studied within these hallowed halls, it costs a respectable fifteen dollars. The senior editors keep their identities secret, but can be contacted via email at ude.reed|supomungam#ude.reed|supomungam.
The Microfilm Vault
Foreign Exchange Students:
So You Want To Be A Wizard Journalist (Who Is Also A Wizard)?
Before you write a Deer College article, you should definitely read the Three Portlands Hub and About Deer. Also, consider coming into the Third Law Discord server — it's where the creator of Deer, 
ch00bakka, and all the major Three Portlands contributors can usually be found. (You don't have to, and it's not like I'm gonna veto something that involves Deer outright, because I do not have that power, but if it's not at all like the Deer College core concept we'll let you know.) Deer articles don't have to be in the Third Law canon, but a lot of them are, if only because Three Portlands is so important to that canon.
The Deer GoI format takes the form of an Odyssey article. It should be about current events on campus, in ThreePorts, or in the anomalous world in general; while the Odyssey probably does have articles on non-anomalous current events, they probably aren't all that interesting in comparison. If you're in college or you've been through that wringer, think about your campus' student newspaper, and what sort of tone people wrote with in there; otherwise, use the already-extant articles as a guide. And remember, it doesn't have to be a listicle, but it helps.
This code goes right up at the top of the page - it gets all the right fonts in and ok technically it's against the css policy but nobody's yelled at me about it yet and it's looking like they're changing it to allow hotlinking to google fonts soon anyway so hopefully Magnus doesn't get angry.
[[module css]]
@import url('https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Cinzel');
@import url('https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Anton');
@import url('https://fonts.googleapis.com/css?family=Pinyon+Script');
#page-title { display: none; }
/*
The Anton font was created by Vernon Adams and is licensed under the Open Font License
The Cinzel font was created by Natanael Gama and is licensed under the Open Font License
The Pinyon Script font was created by Nicole Fally and is licensed under the Open Font License
*/
[[/module]]
Then the rating module, and after that this sexy, sexy header
[[div style="text-align: center"]]
[[div class="unmargined" style="font-family: 'Cinzel'; font-size: 450%; margin: 2px 0 5px;"]]
Deer College Odyssey
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The Buck Stops Here
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[[table style="border: none; width: 100%;"]]
[[row]]
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THREE PORTLANDS
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[[cell style="text-align: center;"]]
DAY, MONTH ##, YEAR
[[/cell]]
[[cell style="text-align: right;"]]
A JOKE PRICE - IT'S FREE
[[/cell]]
[[/row]]
[[/table]]
[[/div]]
[[/div]]
Then your title and optional subtitle, which should be in Anton in whatever size fits nicely across the page, followed by the author's name and Void handle (it's wizard twitter).
[[div style="text-align: center"]]
[[div class="unmargined" style="font-family: 'Anton'; font-size: 575%; margin: 2px 0 5px;"]]
A GOOD ARTICLE FORMAT
[[/div]]
[[div class="unmargined" style="font-family: 'Anton'; font-size: 380%; margin: 2px 0 5px;"]]
INNOVATIVE AND WHOLLY UNPRECEDENTED
[[/div]]
[[div class="unmargined" style="font-family:serif; font-size:120%;"]]
//by Funny Name (⁂ch00bakka)//
[[/div]]
[[/div]]
the rest of the article should be justified with one of these
[[div style="text-align:justify;"]]
Article text goes here
[[/div]]
And subheadings should be in centered Anton like the title, at a smaller font size.
[[div style="text-align: center"]]
[[div class="unmargined" style="font-family: 'Anton'; font-size: 300%; margin: 2px 0 5px;"]]
A HUMOROUS SUBHEADING
[[/div]]
[[/div]]
