NOTICE: This Critter Profile is Sponsored!
Enjoy an ice-cold glass of Clown Milk, brought to you by the one and only Bambousio Starswinger!
Ethically sourced and sustainably farmed. Clown Milk: It's crazy good!
—Bambousio Starswinger
Critter Profile: Slappy!
Overview!
Name: Slappy
Species: Zalophus californianus (California Sea lion)
Primary Caretaker: Aquatics Team, Veronica Holt
Diet: Fish and Clown Milk (Whatever that is!)
Housed: Wilson Aquatics Center, Enclosure 12
Creature Features!
Slappy is the name we have picked out for our very special sea lion/clown hybrid friend. Now I know what you're thinking. "Clown? What do you mean clown?" Well, that's just it! There are two types of clowns in this world, natural clowns and made clowns. Slappy here was born to what we presume is a clown father and sea lion mother. Now we have no idea what kind of monster is out there breeding clowns in the first place, much less who would cross breed a clown with a sea lion, but Slappy exists now and there is no going back.
But his unusual origins don't mean anything to us here at Wilson's. We all still love and care for Slappy as if he were a regular sea lion, with the exception of a rather unnatural addition to his nutritional intake: Clown Milk. We don't know what Clown Milk is or what it does, all we know is that we humans shouldn't drink it under any conditions. At least that's what the Supervisors tell us, but Bambousio says otherwise. We're choosing to side with the Supervisors on this one, however, we're all a little freaked out by it.
History!
Look at Slappy lounging around his enclosure!
When we first got ahold of Slappy, the poor guy was swimming down Tickle Creek looking emaciated and starved. We took him in ASAP and fed him a steady diet of fish but his health didn't seem to be improving, so we put out a call for help in the Portlands Inquirer looking for anyone who might have some insight into how to take care of this unique creature. That was when the one and only Bambousio Starswinger, a highly esteemed clown breeder, joined up with us and revealed the missing key to Slappy's health: Clown Milk!
You see, Clown Milk is key to a clown's health and wellbeing, and Slappy being a hybrid needed it too! I wish you could have seen how Slappy lit up once Bambusio came up to the Center and bottle-fed him some Clown Milk. It was as if a man wandering the desert had come upon an oasis. He was so happy, Slappy started swimming, barking, and doing tricks with his ball out of nowhere! We here at the center were so excited we struck a deal with Bambousio to provide the necessary Clown Milk in exchange for advertising his business.
And that's how Slappy became our very first sponsored critter!
Special Needs and Accommodations!
Aside from his unique diet, Slappy doesn't really require much in the way of special accommodations. He is happy in his partially terraformed aquatic enclosure. Slappy is such a friendly little guy, we have modified his enclosure to facilitate a petting zoo-like experience for visitors to the center who want to feed him some fish.
Really, the only thing we need to be careful with when it comes to Slappy is that no one who works with him can also work with Maya, because she hates clowns and can smell them on a person. And no one wants to get mauled by a bear, right?
Notes about Slappy!
A lot of the guys more in tune with the weirdness of the world are very concerned for the existence of Slappy since it seems to imply someone out there is creating clown-animal hybrids. Bambusio also seems to be concerned about this, but he has made it exceedingly clear that the only reason he is sponsoring Slappy is that Slappy didn't ask to exist in the way he does now.
It's like the argument for breeding ligers and tigons; though you can do it, why would you? Their offspring are generally very sickly and can never breed. We are very fortunate that Slappy is as healthy as he is all things considered, but his dependence on Clown Milk is a little worrisome. What if we never would have found him? He would have probably starved to death out there somewhere after escaping that awful clown breeder.
Speaking of clown breeding, Bambousio says that he is working with the proper authorities to crack down on illegal clown breeding activities such as the one that created Slappy.
Sent by: Faeowynn Wilson
Recipient(s): krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats#krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats
Date: 11/29/2021
Hello Mr. Starswinger,
I wanted to thank you for sponsoring Slappy again. It really means a lot to us that you were able to help him out as you did, but I've got a couple of questions about your clown milk business.
Namely, what the hell is up with this stuff? I would appreciate an explanation.
Yours,
Faeowynn Wilson
Wilson's Wildlife Solutions
| Date: 11/29/2021 | |
|---|---|
| From: | krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats#krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats |
| To: | etis.snoitulosefildliwsnosliw|nosliw.eaf#etis.snoitulosefildliwsnosliw|nosliw.eaf |
| Re: | Clown Milk |
| Hello, Fae! Thank you for your question, Ms. Wilson! I'm happy to answer what the deal with clown milk is. You see, clown milk is a bit of a misnomer. It's not really milk at all! What you and I call clown milk is actually a concentrate produced by the glands of a joyvulating clown. To put it in simpler terms, when a clown entertains, it secretes a purple-black liquid which is a highly concentrated essence of innocence and fun. This liquid is then wrung out of the clown like a washcloth is wrung of water. "But Bambusio," I hear you saying, "doesn't that hurt the clown?" As a matter of fact, it does not! This is quite the necessary process in proper clown care, for you see, a clown that isn't cleansed of its milk regularly will become oversaturated with its own juices and will refuse to perform. This can lead to serious health complications for the clowns, including diabetes, depression, and even worse; dysentery. Of course, you might be wondering why our dear Slappy doesn't produce any clown milk on his own. This is because despite being a born clown, he lacks the necessary joyvula gland necessary to create clown milk, thus rendering him dependent on exterior sources. Fun fact: clown milk plays an important role in clown breeding! It is often used to stimulate the glans of the male clowns into becoming aroused. Nothing quite tickles a pickle like clown milk, I tell you what. I'd be happy to answer any further questions you have. ~ 🤡Bambusio Starswinger🤡 |
|
Sent by: Faeowynn Wilson
Recipient(s): krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats#krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats
Date: 11/29/2021
I regret I even asked.
Yours,
Faeowynn Wilson
Wilson's Wildlife Solutions
| Date: 11/29/2019 | |
|---|---|
| From: | krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats#krpd.liamhcrot|smrafnwolcregniwsrats |
| To: | etis.snoitulosefildliwsnosliw|nosliw.eaf#etis.snoitulosefildliwsnosliw|nosliw.eaf |
| Re: | Re: Clown Milk |
:( ~ 🤡Bambusio Starswinger🤡 |
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