Critter Profile: Chuck.
Overview.
Name: Chuck
Species: Hippopotamus amphibius (Hippopotamus)
Primary Caretaker: Aquatics Team, Elliot Ackerman (Can't anyone else take him off my hands?)
Diet: Fruits and Vegetables (He can't digest anything else because his digestive system hasn't evolved to that point yet. What's the point of having such big teeth if you can't eat some meat?)
Housed: Wilson Aquatics Center, Enclosure 02
Creature Features.
Chuck is the name of this fucking hippo we found ourselves saddled with. No one at the Center is really fond of Chuck, probably because he doesn't know how to do anything properly, not even swim. The useless lump just sinks straight to the bottom of his pool and walks around. He's buoyant, but only because he is so fat despite eating a diet of only fruits and vegetables. He also sweats this gross, blood orange color substance that makes him look a funny color. From what we understand all hippos do this, but there's something about the way Chuck does it that seems inferior. He really seems like the kind of guy who could fail a DNA test.
No one at the Center can really figure out what's weird or magical about Chuck, but then again, no one really wants to be around him for too long because he's such a pillock. Despite the fact that Chuck is utterly worthless and a bloated buffoon, the Supervisors insist we keep him. When asked, one of the Castaways said they thought Chuck was a ninnyhammer too.
Why am I even writing a Critter Profile for such a waste of words?
History.
Look at that fat fuck.
We first got ahold of Chuck after receiving word from two fishermen down in Tickle Creek who had seen "the ugliest thing they've ever seen floating around in the water". We sent a few of our guys to investigate, and after seeing him, confirmed that Chuck was indeed the ugliest thing they've ever seen. All individuals present also agreed that his swimming technique was lacking and that he appeared oafish just lounging around.
Because the crew we sent to check out the report was taking so long to come back or report in, Mr. Wilson himself went down to Tickle Creek to see things for himself. Not even Mr. Wilson was able to keep himself from criticizing Chuck. They stayed there for about an hour, watching Chuck pathetically try to swim around until they got a call from Faeowynn that sent them right into gear. That lady is all business, I tell you.
Anyway, that's how we got stuck with Chuck.
Special Needs and Accommodations.
Because Chuck is amphibious (despite being such a lousy swimmer), he has to take up one of our aquatic enclosures which could be saved for literally anything else. But because he is not happy with merely swimming, we also had to make him a partial land enclosure for him to do his stupid business in. Did you know hippos won't poop in the water? No, instead they go on land and swing their tail around as they shit, throwing it everywhere. It's true, look it up.
Chuck is a glutton, and he eats about 88 pounds of fruits and vegetables a day. We all feel as if 88 is a little excessive and perhaps he could afford to go on a diet, but it turns out that's roughly about 1% of his total body weight. That means reducing what we already give him would result in malnutrition, but how can he still be so fat? What a mumpsimus.
Notes about Chuck.
There is nothing interesting to say about Chuck.
Sent by: Faeowynn Wilson
Recipient(s): Elliot Ackerman
Date: 11/12/2020
Elliot,
I just read Chuck's Critter Profile.
What the hell has gotten over you? This is highly unprofessional and inappropriate. I expect you to rewrite this Critter Profile appropriately within the next coming days.
Sent by: Elliot Ackerman
Recipient(s): Faeowynn Wilson
Date: 11/12/2020
Faeowynn,
Oh, look at you, getting on my case for being too negative. That's pretty hypocritical of you, Fae.
Sent by: Faeowynn Wilson
Recipient(s): Elliot Ackerman
Date: 11/12/2020
Elliot,
Are you with the hippo right now?
Sent by: Elliot Ackerman
Recipient(s): Faeowynn Wilson
Date: 11/12/2020
Faeowynn,
I am. Why are you- oh.
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