A Collection of Anomalous Television Programs From Beyond the Masquerade

rating: +42+x

Law and Order: Unusual Incidents Unit
Season 2 Episode 5


Title: Through the Fire and the Flames

Wyatt Harper: We found some materials nearby. Sulfur, chalk, and a small vial of blood.

Deana Coiter: [Exhaling smoke] Then there's no doubt in my mind… the murder's thaumaturgical in nature.

Wyatt Harper: Pyrokinesis, the poor bastard was burned from the inside out… Jesus.

Deana Coiter: [flicking the cigarette to the side] Well, guess you can say he had one hell of a heartburn.

[Both remain silent for several seconds]

Wyatt Harper: A man is dead. What the fuck is wrong with you?

FACTORY COMMERCIAL
Season 25 Episode 137


Title: [COGNITOHAZARD REDACTED]

Unknown: YOU TRUST THE FACTORY!

Unknown: YOU LOVE THE FACTORY!

Unknown: YOU WILL PURCHASE FROM THE FACTORY!

Unknown: OSHA IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED!

Unknown: YOU. LOVE. THE. FACTORY!

Unknown: THE FACTORY IS KIND!

Unknown: THE FACTORY IS ETHICAL!

Unknown: BUY TODAY!

Ambrose Commercial
Season 1 Episode 45


Title: The best Unicorn Burger® of your local universe! (Feat. Gordon Ramsay)

Chaz Ambrose: Hi, Chaz Ambrose here. Have you heard the news? The delicious Unicorn Burger® is now only for 10.99 at your local Ambrose restaurant® extradimensional port of call! Can you tell me, famous cooker Gordon Ramsay, how much you love the Unicorn Burger®?

[Camera shows Gordon Ramsay eating the Unicorn Burger]

Gordon Ramsay: Tasty, juicy, colourful, magical. Just overall fucking delicious. I've got nothing else to say.

Chaz Ambrose: Thank you, Gordon. And you, what are you waiting for? You can come with your friends, families, doppelgangers or even your love interest! [laugh] Don't be shy, we will wait for you!

[Screen shows Gordon Ramsay and Chaz Ambrose on a grassy plain seen from above.]

Gordon Ramsay/Chaz Amrose: No matter who you are, you have our word that you'll find something to suit your tastes!

[Screen fades to the logo of Ambrose Restaurant with the following text below it]

Ambrose restaurant®
Currently opened in most extradimensional port of call!
Call us at +1████ ███ ███ today for a reservation!

Warning: Food served may contain peanuts, tree nuts, eye nuts, soy, cow milk, clown milk.
Ambrose restaurant is not responsible for any anomalous hazard on the food served.

Greazeburger Promotional Commercial


[Several identical figures are seen chanting at the camera, identified by nametags.]

Chester Greaze: Come on down!

Various Chanters1: WHERE THE PRICE IS RIGHT

Chester Greaze: Come on down!

Various Chanters: WHERE OUR LORD BRINGS LIGHT

Chester Greaze: COME ON DOWN!

Various Chanters: TO OUR LORD THE GREAZE, THE BIRTH OF THESE…

Chester Greaze: PRICES SO GREAT THAT YOU'LL FALL TO YOUR KNEES!

[Several stage-lights illuminate, revealing an orchestra who subsequently begin playing a fast-tempo musical number.]

Chester Greaze: WHAT DO YOU GET AT THE GREAZEBURGER STORE?

Various Chanters: GOOD PRICES, RAD DEALS, GREAT PRODUCTS AND MORE!

Chester Greaze: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN WE KNOCK AT THE DOOR?

Various Chanters: OFFER UP YOUR WALLET AND BOW DOWN ON THE FLOOR!

Chester Greaze: YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Various Chanters: GREAZEBURGER! GREAZEBURGER!

Chester Greaze: GREAZEBURGER!

[Chester Greaze leaps towards the camera, and stumbles. His face impacts into the camera, causing it to crash to the floor.]

Chester Greaze: Oh fuck.

[The commercial ends.]

SPC Medication Advertisement
Season 3 Episode 5


Title: Selacho-clear

Narrator: If you or a loved one was diagnosed with being a selachian supporter, there may be a support plan ready for you.

[The screen cuts to a woman walking through a park.]

Woman: Selacho-clear was prescribed to me by my doctor when I was going through tough times. Within an instant of taking it, I knew I made the right choice. I was feeling clear-minded of selachian-supporting thoughts. I was able to get my life back, and now, I’m a full member of the Selachian Punching Center!

[The screen cuts to a feed of children playing in a park.]

Narrator: Side effects may include headache, nausea, diarrhea, loss of balance, loss of sight, loss of hearing, loss of other senses, loss of common sense, heart palpitations, heart arrhythmia, heart attack, Justin Bieber songs, rashes, acne, simmers, chronic earwax, athlete’s foot, depression, anxiety, support for the church of the broken god, paralysis, hyperactivity, your wife leaving you, marxism, the collapse of human civilization, dread, suicide, [135 further entries omitted]. Contact your anti-selachian certified doctor to see if Selacho-clear is right for you.

How It's Made
Season 38 Episode 5


Title: How It's Made: dado brand sight enhancer

Narrator: Up next, we have a special guest on our program to tell us how his new revolutionary Sight Enhancers are manufactured.

[The screen cuts to a short man standing behind a kitchen island, wearing an apron and an oversized chef's hat.]

dado: yes thank you mister producer for giving dado spot on popular discovery channel show.

dado: process is very simple, first dado collect ingredients. dado has not found method to automatize newt eye harvest yet but dado is hard worker.

[dado lifts his hat up, revealing a jar full of eyeballs. He sets it down on the island.]

dado: is not easy to make eye product without eye, yes? now, do as dado do.

[KINETOGRAPHIC MEME REMOVED]

dado: now you understand why dado find it hard to automatize. but is no problem! all is left is garnishing of produce.

[dado rubs the mixture in several colored powders, before applying it to his eyes. They start glowing orange as he turns to look directly at the camera.]

dado: dado can see everything now.

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