I am no longer convinced these are normal chairs.
675 words - 3 mins
To: Dir. Edwin Lumbago (Site-303)
From: Agent Howard Hughes
Subject: URGENT: Chair situation is getting out of hand.
Hey folks,
So, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think we have too many chairs.
I counted last night—just in the break room alone, we have 86 chairs. For reference, there are four tables and six employees on this floor. I moved some to storage, but when I checked this morning, the break room had 92 chairs and storage was full.
I am requesting formal anomalous classification and assistance before we all die in a tragic ergonomic avalanche.
Best,
Agent Hughes
To: Agent Howard Hughes
From: Dir. Edwin Lumbago (Site-303)
Subject: Re:URGENT: Chair situation is getting out of hand.
Agent Hughes,
Have you considered simply removing the excess chairs?
Regards,
Director Lumbago
To: Dir. Edwin Lumbago (Site-303)
From: Agent Howard Hughes
Subject: Re:Re:URGENT: Chair situation is getting out of hand.
I appreciate the suggestion, Director, but I have tried removing them.
- I threw 15 chairs in the incinerator. An hour later, we had 20 more in the conference room.
- I attempted to break one apart for analysis. It screamed.
- I locked a chair in containment. This morning, there were two chairs in containment, and they were holding hands.
I am no longer convinced these are normal chairs.
Best,
Agent Hughes
To: Agent Howard Hughes
From: Dr. Elonie Pitchard (Dept. of Ontokinetics)
Subject: Re:Re:Re:URGENT: Chair situation is getting out of hand.
Agent Hughes,
I performed a minor reality audit. You’re not going to like this.
Site-303 currently has a Chair Surplus Event at an estimated 1.3 CPM1. That number is growing. The chairs appear to be self-replicating through unknown means.
Worse, our records now show that a "Department of Furniture Logistics" has always existed, despite us both knowing that isn’t real. I went to check, and, uh…
Howard, there’s a new office on Floor 3 that wasn’t there yesterday. The sign on the door says "Department of Furniture Logistics." There are people inside. They are wearing suits. I don’t recognize any of them. One of them made direct eye contact with me and whispered, "Please file Form 42-B if you require additional seating."
I am leaving now. Figure this out on your own.
Dr. Pitchard
To: Dir. Edwin Lumbago (Site-303)
From: Agent Howard Hughes
Subject: CRITICAL: The Chairs are organising
Director,
We have a Class-V Bureaucratic Anomaly. The “Department of Furniture Logistics” is issuing paperwork at an alarming rate. I received an interoffice memo (on letterhead that doesn’t exist) stating that I have been promoted to Assistant Chair Manager. I did not accept this job.
Upon entering the office, I observed the following:
- Every desk contained at least six chairs.
- Every employee was sitting in two chairs at once.
- One employee was just a stack of chairs in a lab coat.
- There is now a breakroom vending machine that only dispenses smaller chairs.
They greeted me with a 71-page onboarding packet. Director, I'm scared.
Awaiting orders,
Agent Hughes
To: Agent Howard Hughes
From: Dir. Edwin Lumbago (Site-303)
Subject: Re:CRITICAL: The Chairs are organising
Agent Hughes,
Congratulations on your promotion. Please resolve this.
Director Lumbago
To: Dir. Edwin Lumbago (Site-303)
From: Agent Howard Hughes
Subject: UPDATE:Situation contained
Good news: The Department of Furniture Logistics has been neutralized.
Less good news: I had to file a formal resignation as Assistant Chair Manager, which led to a mandatory exit interview with a chair named James. James was very disappointed in me.
Once my resignation was accepted, the entire department ceased to exist. The office is gone. The extra chairs disappeared. The vending machine now just dispenses soup, which is weird but manageable.
However, I did receive a final paycheck from the Department of Furniture Logistics. It is written on a chair. I do not know what will happen if I try to cash it. I am not going to try.
Best,
Agent Hughes
To: Agent Howard Hughes
From: Dir. Edwin Lumbago (Site-303)
Subject: Re:UPDATE:Situation contained
Agent Hughes,
Understood. Do not cash the chair.
Director Lumbago
this is my tenth fifth page. of course it had to be a shitass shitpost about chairs.
congrats.jpeg was taken by me. i'll source my images before naepic takes my kneecaps but i can't right now.
really don't have high hopes for this one, but let's see if this survives.
EDIT: this may be my finest work. not sure what could possibly top this.
oh yeah, credit to
Mister_Toasty for telling me i should post this. it would likely have never seen the light of day if it was't for him.
EDIT: a little late to this, but Chairs has gotten a translation over on the Vietnamese branch! Thank you so much! (they even translated the piece of paper, and i think that's absolutely hilarious)
i need answers
this is an international tragedy
if this manages to hit +100 i'm going bald
Are you gonna put it on Youtube or do we just have to trust you?
Can you stand up for yourself?
Willing to do wiki crit again, please reach out if you have something! (Drafts preferred)
(Not SCP staff you don't have to listen to me)
:>
Its Penguin Time
All right, I think I'll break character just this once.
This moment is absolutely monumental for widdle ole me. To be honest, I kinda knew I was gonna have something rated at +100 sooner or later if I kept up this whole writing thing (which I totally plan to), but for it to happen this soon is downright shocking. And to not have a single downvote too!
I want to thank everybody that helped achieve this milestone, all 100 people that contributed their vote to this silly little shitpost.
Uh, yeah, I'm not gonna go bald. Big shocker. I'll do a compromise and like, cut off my eyebrows or something. I'll think of something, so your votes aren't for nothing.
whaaattttt
This isn't a shitpost, it's a sitpost
I do like the more lighthearted, low-stakes pieces (and it doesn't hurt that it's short), and this fulfilled that. Enjoyably stupid!
wdym low-stakes Site-303 is at risk these chairs are dangerous
Never before have mine eyes laid upon such a literary masterpiece.
PS: The last email says that it's from Howard instead of Edwin
00:00:00 Memento Mori 00:00:00
my name is edwin i made the mimic
SCP object attribute tags such as 'self-replicating' aren't put on tales, FYI
appreciate it 👍
I have no idea what the fuck I just read, but I laughed my ass out of my chair and then got back up to find three chairs in its place.
looks like they got you.
Even an article about chair could be so terrific. This deserves a 1+ I enjoy it
-Yuki
chairs have feelings too.
yeah should’ve sit on the ground for now on
-Yuki
I have a sudden urge to sit down on a wooden chair
the department of furniture logistics would be happy to have you.
Lusofar, Highest of Chairs, God of the Adirondacks, Who sits Upon the Throne Throne would be pleased to learn of this (then again, in SCP-????-J, it's implied that the Chair God has seats on the inside, and was even able to get three wooden chairs in a trench coat installed as Administrator)
this tale is canon to SCP-3311.
ah, that would make sense. fun little tale! good work
Well, not really. it was a silly idea i was toying around when i was writing it but it's not really a serious fact.
but if the man himself says so…
I really enjoyed this. I love the trope that the biggest anomalous threats to the Foundation on a daily basis are, like, bureaucrohazards, and this kind of scratches that itch.
i was gonna make it a bureaucratohazard but i forgot so "bureaucratic anomaly" is all you're getting.
This is a chair.
You should know how to make these already.
…since when did we have signatures?
the department of furniture logistics is here to teach you how to make chairs 💯 💯
this is a mockery of a mockery of a mockery……