Captain Kirby's Personal File

Wow… I actually did it. I have one of these now. It feels so weird because like… I at first thought I wasn't good enough to get something mainlisted in the first place.

I'd like to thank anyone who has ever looked at my work. I may write for myself, but I get feedback and post my works for others to see it. So thanks for taking the time to let me entertain you.

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Reports and Documents

Pages

SCPs

SCP-7100 - [K] - At Rainbow's End
[26 Jul 2022 15:07] [+287] [Comments: 46] [Last Comment: 27 Jan 2025 13:39]

SCP-6007 - [K] - Wanderlust
[26 May 2021 15:08] [+201] [Comments: 26] [Last Comment: 07 Aug 2024 16:06]

SCP-3393-EX - [Ex] - Girlfriend
[28 Jul 2020 18:34] [+230] [Comments: 18] [Last Comment: 23 Mar 2022 03:48]

SCP-5552 - [S] - Our Stolen Theory
[10 Apr 2020 20:35] [+603] [Comments: 62] [Last Comment: 05 Jan 2025 14:35]

SCP-5003 - [S] - Powerless
[15 Jan 2020 16:57] [+443] [Comments: 41] [Last Comment: 10 Apr 2020 12:06]

SCP-4925 - [E] - (1) Missed Call
[20 Aug 2019 17:05] [+192] [Comments: 34] [Last Comment: 23 Apr 2023 13:44]

SCP-4056 - [E] - Nuclear Family Unit
[09 Jul 2019 16:38] [+168] [Comments: 17] [Last Comment: 28 Aug 2024 01:14]

SCP-4558 - [E] - Bel1eve_1n_M1racles
[28 Jun 2019 18:58] [+140] [Comments: 21] [Last Comment: 28 Oct 2024 13:26]

SCP-4877 - [E] - 9.8m/s²
[11 Jun 2019 15:32] [+391] [Comments: 39] [Last Comment: 03 Aug 2024 15:13]

SCP-4316 - [S] - The Water's Warm
[04 Jun 2019 15:27] [+166] [Comments: 13] [Last Comment: 10 May 2023 21:01]

SCP-4775 - [E] - The Absolute Gall
[03 Apr 2019 14:38] [+144] [Comments: 22] [Last Comment: 23 Aug 2024 17:05]

SCP-3867 - [K] - ♡♡♡Sweet Cats & Perfect Dogs!♡♡♡
[06 Feb 2019 16:14] [+310] [Comments: 42] [Last Comment: 19 Jun 2024 16:37]

SCP-4479 - [S] - D-11424 and the Land of Too Many Doors
[16 Jan 2019 15:07] [+190] [Comments: 36] [Last Comment: 15 Apr 2024 17:56]

Captain Kirby's Proposal - [E] - O5-13
[10 Nov 2018 15:47] [+829] [Comments: 77] [Last Comment: 29 Jan 2025 16:32]

SCP-4034 - [E] - Defenetre Of The Strate
[15 Oct 2018 17:38] [+141] [Comments: 15] [Last Comment: 22 Sep 2022 20:14]

SCP-4514 - [S] - The Thing That Kills You
[03 Sep 2018 22:25] [+692] [Comments: 74] [Last Comment: 03 Apr 2025 11:02]
[Translations: Chinese, French, Japanese, Polish]

SCP-3844 - [N] - To Slay A Dragon
[10 Aug 2018 22:28] [+543] [Comments: 53] [Last Comment: 28 Feb 2022 06:02]
[Translations: Chinese, Japanese

SCP-4321 - [K] - Sometimes I Look At The Sky So I Can Feel Small
[03 Jul 2018 00:00] [+356] [Comments: 68] [Last Comment: 01 Jul 2024 18:04]
[Translations: Chinese]

SCP-3542 - [K] - "Fear Not Citizen!"
[11 Jun 2018 02:25] [+137] [Comments: 17] [Last Comment: 31 Jul 2024 10:02]

SCP-3448 - [T] - Halfterlife
[09 Jun 2018 21:16] [+632] [Comments: 61] [Last Comment: 01 Apr 2025 16:59]
[Translations: Chinese]

SCP-3866 - [S] - Youth In Asia by dado
[25 May 2018 21:28] [+455] [Comments: 34] [Last Comment: 07 Feb 2024 02:18]
[Translations: Chinese]

SPC-1057 - [?] - Absence of Punchable Shark
[03 May 2018 19:29] [+225] [Comments: 29] [Last Comment: 12 Jan 2019 00:28]
[Translations: Chinese, Spanish, Korean]

SCP-3767 - [E] - Additional Baggage Fee
[26 Apr 2018 19:17] [+176] [Comments: 23] [Last Comment: 27 Feb 2024 16:59]
[Translations: Chinese]

SCP-3449 - [K] - The Things Left Unsaid
[13 Apr 2018 18:07] [+395] [Comments: 64] [Last Comment: 31 Oct 2023 11:32]
[Translations: Korean

SCP-3388 - [E] - Cacthulu
[15 Mar 2018 17:26] [+501] [Comments: 39] [Last Comment: 07 Oct 2023 18:42]
[Translations: Chinese, Russian]

SCP-3633 - [S] - I'm Right Behind Me
[13 Mar 2018 19:08] [+194] [Comments: 45] [Last Comment: 25 Mar 2025 16:56]
[Translations: Chinese]

SCP-3393 - [E] - For Your Eyes Only
[02 Mar 2018 22:15] [+1340] [Comments: 90] [Last Comment: 03 Apr 2025 10:38]
[Translations: Chinese, French, Japanese, Korean, Russian, Spanish]

SCP-3405 - [K] - How To Get Away With Murder Without Really Trying
[17 Feb 2018 18:27] [+55] [Comments: 16] [Last Comment: 11 Mar 2023 23:04]

SCP-3511 - [N] - Reach Out And Touch
[15 Feb 2018 20:12] [+214] [Comments: 26] [Last Comment: 18 Apr 2021 17:07]
[Translations: Japanese]

SCP-016-J - [E] - Is That A Missile In Your Pocket?
[21 Jan 2018 23:48] [+287] [Comments: 38] [Last Comment: 18 Feb 2025 20:09]
[Translations: Chinese, Spanish]

SCP-3123 - [E] - Insult To Injury
[19 Jan 2018 18:16] [+242] [Comments: 33] [Last Comment: 05 Feb 2023 20:18]
[Translations: Chinese, Japanese]

SCP-3203 - [T] - The Swiss Bank Account
[13 Dec 2017 03:47] [+71] [Comments: 46] [Last Comment: 28 Aug 2021 11:02]
[Translations: Chinese]

SCP-3305 - [E] - The Father, The Son, and The Holy Toast
[07 Dec 2017 00:32] [+412] [Comments: 70] [Last Comment: 24 Mar 2022 22:39]
[Translations: Chinese, Japanese, French]

SCP-3650 - [S] - Wanderlust
[28 Nov 2017 01:37] [+103] [Comments: 16] [Last Comment: 30 Jul 2021 01:50]

SCP-3481 - [S] - Glorious Sounds
[18 Nov 2017 22:23] [+53] [Comments: 8] [Last Comment: 12 Aug 2023 21:28]

Tales

The Nuclear Option
[03 Jan 2023 16:26] [+565] [Comments: 63] [Last Comment: 25 Feb 2025 05:31]

Virtue
[07 Apr 2022 15:21] [+46] [Comments: 4] [Last Comment: 31 May 2022 18:33]

A Eulogy in 11/8 Time
[12 Jan 2022 19:05] [+55] [Comments: 12] [Last Comment: 14 Jun 2024 00:36]

Monochrome
[22 Jun 2021 14:57] [+134] [Comments: 16] [Last Comment: 28 Jul 2021 04:44]

The Tombstone of Alto Clef
[09 Aug 2019 15:42] [+269] [Comments: 22] [Last Comment: 17 Jan 2025 23:40]

Pink Cracks In A Digital Wall
[01 Jul 2019 02:12] [+66] [Comments: 5] [Last Comment: 18 Aug 2024 18:28]

The Shape of a Noose
[13 Jun 2019 15:27] [+76] [Comments: 6] [Last Comment: 07 Feb 2024 07:02]

You Have 18 Unread Messages
[24 Apr 2019 14:04] [+103] [Comments: 13] [Last Comment: 26 Dec 2021 18:07]

'Til Death Do Us Part
[21 Mar 2019 13:52] [+65] [Comments: 10] [Last Comment: 27 Aug 2024 16:12]

The Many Portraits of Jack Bright
[04 Mar 2019 16:14] [+141] [Comments: 12] [Last Comment: 23 Aug 2024 18:25]

From The Clutches Of Life
[07 Jan 2019 18:17] [+161] [Comments: 10] [Last Comment: 11 Apr 2019 06:03]

When It Rains, It Pours
[28 Dec 2018 23:56] [+45] [Comments: 5] [Last Comment: 30 Dec 2018 16:26]

It's A Nice Day Out
[12 Dec 2018 18:04] [+39] [Comments: 3] [Last Comment: 12 Dec 2018 20:00]

Where Death Used To Live
[03 Dec 2018 15:03] [+155] [Comments: 10] [Last Comment: 13 Dec 2018 04:28]

Project Damnerung
[07 Nov 2018 14:59] [+152] [Comments: 10] [Last Comment: 18 Dec 2024 13:43]

Impossible-To-Destroy Reptile
[01 Nov 2018 14:07] [+499] [Comments: 39] [Last Comment: 07 Oct 2024 17:14]

I Felt Numb
[29 Oct 2018 15:58] [+39] [Comments: 12] [Last Comment: 30 Oct 2018 00:09]

Is Anybody Home?
[09 Oct 2018 20:08] [+53] [Comments: 4] [Last Comment: 26 Oct 2018 23:57]

Hundred-Year Favor
[05 Oct 2018 23:19] [+128] [Comments: 4] [Last Comment: 10 Mar 2019 22:47]

They Are Not Laughing With You
[02 Oct 2018 04:15] [+28] [Comments: 4] [Last Comment: 03 Oct 2018 22:50]

Do You Remember Funerals?
[19 Sep 2018 18:14] [+178] [Comments: 18] [Last Comment: 26 Aug 2019 01:42]

Poky And Pal Arm Themselves
[16 Sep 2018 16:08] [+50] [Comments: 6] [Last Comment: 29 Sep 2019 03:45]

Poky And Pal Scheme Together
[01 Sep 2018 21:05] [+55] [Comments: 5] [Last Comment: 04 Sep 2018 04:20]

A Failed Two Weeks Notice
[27 Aug 2018 15:55] [+69] [Comments: 8] [Last Comment: 20 Nov 2018 21:23]

I Am Wonderful
[03 Aug 2018 00:07] [+33] [Comments: 8] [Last Comment: 11 Dec 2021 16:37]

Tales Of The Ethics Committee: 5 Reasons The Foundation Wants A Robot Army
[09 Jun 2018 05:57] [+241] [Comments: 24] [Last Comment: 15 Jun 2024 16:42]

With The Reaper On Retirement
[04 Jun 2018 21:51] [+236] [Comments: 9] [Last Comment: 28 Nov 2018 04:50]

Excerpts From The Societal Census Programme ΩK-Class Report
[01 Jun 2018 16:33] [+240] [Comments: 19] [Last Comment: 11 Nov 2021 17:51]

Group Date
[22 May 2018 23:34] [+141] [Comments: 19] [Last Comment: 27 Feb 2023 03:51]

In The Clutches Of Life
[18 May 2018 04:00] [+410] [Comments: 20] [Last Comment: 08 Apr 2025 20:31]

Don't Get Used To It
[07 May 2018 22:57] [+144] [Comments: 14] [Last Comment: 21 Feb 2021 17:22]
[Translations: Chinese]

Numbers, Like Stories, Never Die
[08 Apr 2018 20:40] [+343] [Comments: 16] [Last Comment: 09 Mar 2023 01:21]

Containment's A Beach
[18 Feb 2018 07:21] [+22] [Comments: 7] [Last Comment: 06 Mar 2018 17:23]

Rocks And Trees Are Not Good Company
[01 Feb 2018 20:47] [+65] [Comments: 6] [Last Comment: 16 May 2019 23:29]

GOIs

My Head Is On Fire And I'm (Not) Ok
[14 Mar 2019 15:47] [+102] [Comments: 10] [Last Comment: 15 Oct 2022 15:44]

Project Proposals 2004-013/2014-114/2024-072: "Losing Your Cool"
[03 Jan 2019 20:55] [+71] [Comments: 2] [Last Comment: 19 Jul 2021 04:11]

Captain Kirby's Proposal, Or Something
[16 Jul 2018 03:59] [+193] [Comments: 16] [Last Comment: 30 Mar 2021 14:26]

Other

Submission for 2018 Gears Day!

End of Death Hub

How Not To Walk Your Dog: Poor Pacing In The SCP Format

Kirby Commentary

SCPs

SCP-5552

Writing this a few years after having posted SCP-5552 feels weird, I haven't updated my commentary though since 2018 so I figured 5 years late is better than never.

I work in academia — I wrote this article while I was at the tail end of my undergraduate degree about to start a master's and now I am doing my PhD. This is all to say, I have had a lot of experience with the process of writing papers. You take months and months of work that you put into something and condense it down into 12 incredibly technical pages, and its this capsule that represents the past 6 months or so of your life. It's this very personal thing. It shows that you, not only invented something new, but you understand it at a very deep level.

In addition to this though, I have been writing for a long time. And when I write, I tend to write pieces where the point is the message/theme/character arc that I am portraying. I don't write a ton of world building or lore for my works, and instead focus on character dynamics and having engaging emotional beats. However, this often results in readers looking at a piece of mine and trying to pick a part literal meanings and concrete details where I have explicitly left them unexplained, because unlike in a research paper, the explanation isn't important.

SCP-5552 to me lives at the cross section of explaining these two ideas — that there is joy and pride to be taken in creating and inventing something all on your own, and that not everything you don't understand needs to be understood. People love figuring things out, it makes them feel smart and clever, but sometimes the pursuit of the "right answer" means you're missing the forest for the trees. SCP-5552 is about getting so up close and personal, inspecting the bark, taking sap samples, that you get lost in the forest, and never find your way out.

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SCP-3393

Yes, I did beat everyone to using "You are the anomaly" as an opener. And yes it did work.

Coming up with this idea was weird. It was like 3am and I was just about to fall asleep when this skip struck me. Just the idea of using documentation as bait was what I started with. I wrote like the first few paragraphs right then.

The next morning I finished the skip and started shipping it around for crit. Posted it three days later.

The neat part about this is that it allows me to break the fourth wall, without really breaking the fourth wall. This article is addressed to the reader, but the in-universe reader. That's more-or-less how I was able to get away with such a heavily meta article. It's really hard to hold suspension of disbelief when you tell the reader they are an anomaly, but that's because in-universe it makes sense.

Also, this format screw is deceivingly simple. Usually, I find that containment procedures are really hard to write because most SCPs that I write about don't require anything too fancy. They have to be practical, yet interesting or short. But instead of using the procedures as the hook here, I can use them as a climax, which just about no other article does (that I know of). So yeah… I'm pretty proud of it.

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SCP-3511

All she wants is a hug.

So, IRL I tend to shy away from physical contact. Hugs feel unnatural, kisses just don't happen for me. Even when I've had an SO I'm very non-physical. That was my main inspiration for this skip though - what people would feel like if they never had physical contact.

Originally this skip was about a girl who teleported to a random place whenever someone got close to her, but that didn't give me as much room to work with. I felt like this simpler anomaly (credit to DarkStuff for helping me come up with it) is more relatable.

Also, at first this was supposed to be a sad article all throughout. No happy ending, just a girl who would never be hugged again. But then I realized that if I give this a happy ending, I could turn this into a very high quality fake-out. I'm a big believer in the idea that "Every Skip Needs A Twist", and by setting my audience up to think this was going to be a sad skip where the girl dies at the end, I could turn the trope on its head and have a happy ending

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SCP-016-J

It's a dick joke. What else is there to say?

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SCP-3123

Welcome to Towin, the town where insults cut deep. Literally.

It will take me a long time to out do this one. I had an idea for a novel a number of years back of a variant of this idea. When I realized it'd work well as a skip, I immediately jumped on it. I think that rationalizing the murder of children is terrifying, and I'm happy I made it work. I have other head canon for exactly how the anomaly works, and other details, but I think keeping this relatively short is important.

This went through about 20 beta-reads. Each one was invaluable.

So, I guess a story from this is that its hard to get too much crit. But also be wary that at some point, you're at the point of diminishing returns, and you just gotta trust yourself.

Also, I'll let you in on a little secret… I didn't know what "fridge horror" was until after I posted this. Learn something new with every article!

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SCP-3203

I tried to do a format screw, and I ended up with A Swiss Bank Account.

This one I have found is a great experiment in #NoCanon. You can read this article in so many different ways depending on your view of the world. I have my own personal answer to "What's in production", but I like the idea of letting the reader come up with something on their own.

Fun fact: This went from concept to mainlist in just over 30 hours. Now… this has not made for the best story I've written, but I'm still happy enough with it to keep it up.

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SCP-3305

The story of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Toast

This is by far the stupidest thing I've ever written. And it is also one of my favorites. It was originally inspired by /r/BreadStapledToTrees and it turned into an excuse to write a christian allegory about bread. This is also proof that, stupid can totally work on this site. Because that's what this is: gloriously stupid.

Also fun fact: the first picture I used for this site was given to me by someone who claimed to have taken the picture himself, but about an hour later I was told he just found it online. So I had to call up a friend of mine with a stapler at 10 at night to go staple some bread to a tree so I could get a CC picture.

A Note About Comedy SCPs: Just because the SCP itself attempts to be silly or funny does not mean that it does not belong on the main list. It is of my personal opinion that any type of SCP works as long as it is well written and entertaining (baring some exceptions). If I made you smile or laugh while reading this SCP, then I've done my job, and the same goes for any comedic SCP like 3740 or 3304.

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SCP-3650

Wanderlust is one of my favorite serious SCPs I've written.

I came up with the idea when I was listening to Wanderlust Reprise by Renard. I don't listen to much of his music, but I like this song, and it gave me the idea for an SCP based on the idea of getting people to go places. Then I looked through some old vacation photos and found some suitably creepy ones when I turned on enough filters. The rest of it just kinda happened.

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Spoilers/My Headcanon for Wanderlust

I know that there is some speculation on what actually is going on, so while I believe the only canon that matters is your personal headcanon, I'm still going to share mine with you. Because I wrote it.

The photos were originally taken of Rem Z. while she was on her honey moon with Earnest Glint, and Rem wrote the haikus to go with the photos so she could remember the moment clearer. When Earnest killed Rem, she disappeared from the photos, and began to haunt those who'd look at them, asking them to bring her things. She feels like she had been cheated out of life, and doesn't like being alone with the pictures.

1. [The Dog] Rem missed her dog from being alive
2. [The Clock] Rem wanted more time to be alive. The D-Class represented time with a clock. Yeah, top tier symbolism. ikr?
3. [The Lovely Bones] Earnest was a writer, and she loved his stories. Also, the book is about a girl who is murdered, but still wanders the earth.
4. [The Suicide] Rem wanted someone to join her in the afterlife.

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SCP-3481

Glorious Sounds is the first SCP I wrote.

The story wasn't very well fleshed out and I'm not going to try to explain it. Although I do want to keep it around because I'm pretty happy with the way I did the Interviews.

Tales

A Eulogy in 11/8 Time

While this tale is based off the characters in UraniumEmpire's Trashfire canon, ultimately the story here is just using the characters and the setting to ground a story about self-acceptance. In general, people in our lives have expectations for us, and often times those expectations become the ones we have for ourselves. Eulogy in 11/8 time explores what happens when someone fails to live up to their own expectations, and how they come to that place. The moments in life that lead someone to both having high expectations for themselves, and failing to meet them.

However, if you have read this tale you well know, this is not just a story of failure. Because ultimately, expectations are just that: what people expect. And not living up to expectations all the time is not an indictment on a person. This is something I have to remind myself quite often, and something I feel others need to remember too. That sometimes you are not set up to succeed. That failure can be an option. And that the people we have in our lives are with us not because of who they expect us to be, but because of who we are.

Fuck Metric

This one is deleted now, for two reasons:

1. In retrospect it wasn't as clever as I thought it was
2. I was worried that one lazy piece would reduce my reputation as an author more than it was worth to keep it.

Sure, it was funny enough to survive but… I want to do this joke justice, and 69 words wasn't doing it. Especially at the risk of being a detriment to people's opinion on my other, much more serious work.

About Me

Captain Kirby IRL

Disclaimer: Identifying Personal Information has been redacted for privacy and security concerns.

My name is [PERSONAL INFORMATION REDACTED] and I am a PhD student studying robotics at [PERSONAL INFORMATION REDACTED]. I've been writing just stuff for years, and I've even self-published a novel (and will at some point self-publish a second one). My first collection of horror stories that I enjoyed were by H.P. Lovecraft, who you should read if you haven't already.

I spend a lot of my free time doing robotics research and playing board games. I was part of a FIRST Robotics Team when I was in high school called [PERSONAL INFORMATION REDACTED]. I write entirely as a hobby, because I would like to build and program robots for a living. Sure, that may sound like a first grader's answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up", but robots are still the goal.

Alright… that's all I'm going to tell strangers on the internet. I hope you like reading my stuff! It's kinda flattering that anyone would even click on this part of my author page in the first place.

Thanks again for be at all interested in what I have to say. Or write. Or… you get the point.

‡ Licensing / Citation

Cite this page as:

"Captain Kirby's Personal File" by Captain Kirby, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/captain-kirby-s-personal-file. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.

For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.