Can Haz Memes
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"I'm telling you, lolcats are not a memetic threat. Stop trying to get them classified."

Professor Anders Bjornsen looked with exasperation at the woman seated across the desk from him. Dr. Blaire Roth was undeniably one of the best psychiatrists and cognitive-behavioral therapists in the Psych Department, but definitely had certain… fixations. Like most of the staff dedicated to treating the mental trauma of Foundation employees, she rarely had direct contact with SCP Items, or even Anomalous Objects. The fact that the few she'd independently tried to get access to (all through official channels, of course) were all related to cats had been noted and dismissed as a harmless quirk.

Maybe it was time to upgrade that from "harmless" to "worrisome".

"But they've been around practically forever! There are literally captioned pictures of cats in costumes from the 1870s! How can you not think that a memetic effect that strong isn't a threat?!"

Dr. Roth very visibly restrained herself from pounding her fist on the desk and instead started gesturing with strong, sharp motions.

"Even if they appear harmless right now, the Foundation, of ALL people, knows how easy it would be to piggyback something dangerous onto it! Make a Grumpy Cat that literally makes you grumpy. Make a Business Cat macro that makes you a workaholic. Make a Sniper Cat gif that literally kills you! There are at least a dozen things that I personally have counseled people for that could be turned into a K-class threat if transmitted via lolcats. At least—"

Bjornsen raised his palm to interrupt Dr. Roth's mini-rant. "Yes, I've seen your prospectus. I think you're missing something, though."

"What, pray tell."

"The Foundation starts and curates easily 30% of all 4chan and tumblr memes."


"Skeleton war was us. We didn't start rage comics, but we're the ones who standardized rage faces into their current, non-anomalous forms. Even Grumpy Cat's owners now work for one of our fronts."

Dr. Roth's face was frozen, a look of disbelief permanently stuck. Bjornsen saw this and sighed.

"You're not the first person to see the infectious potential of popular memes. The Cognitohazard and Memetics Department regularly consults with some of us here in Psych for ideas on how to shorten meme lifespans. There's a reason that most popular memes die out in a few weeks. Now yes, admittedly lolcats are remarkably resilient, but it's under control."

Dr. Roth suddenly pushed back from the desk, the chair spinning slightly as she stood. She angrily said, "Then all this was just making me look stupid?"

Bjornsen sighed again. "No. It was looking obsessive, but not stupid. Frankly, I'd thought that you would've moved on from this particular fixation by now, so this is partially my fault. Sit down."

Dr. Roth slowly sat down and scooted the chair back to the desk. "So what now, since my warning is apparently too little, too late?"

This earned a quick, sharp look of reproof, and she collected herself a little. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. But still, what now?"

Bjornsen open a drawer and pulled out a folder, which he slid over to her. "This is an overview synopsis of current research into controlling lolcat memes, cleared for someone of your clearance level. I want you to read this and tell me whether you want to be read into the liaison team for the Cog/Mem department. This would not be a promotion, if you are, but maybe you can point that fierce dedication in a useful direction."

Dr. Roth slowly reached out and flipped open the folder. A dozen pages awaited her perusal. A slight smile curved her lips as she picked up the first one and began to read.

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