Cack Hub

Bitchin poster made by Wydness

looking for pattern screamers, are we? Fuck off, pal.

What's this?

The cack hard cinematic universe is home to a bunch of dumb stupid stuff, mostly weird crack fiction. Cack fiction, if you will. This is a world where things always take a turn for the stupid, farcical, and idiotic. This isn't a canon, but simply a hub to host crackfiction too stupid for LolFoundation.

Hidden in this collapsible are the general 'rules' which we adhere to when writing within the cack hard cinematic universe. If for whatever reason you want to write crack.

+ show block

• No one is good at their job unless the plot demands it.
• Researcher Zyn Kiryu is the only person who is good at her job regardless of the situation.
• If anyone has to suffer, it's Mr. Fish.
• 049 and Spanko are best buds. No exceptions!
• 'Cack Hard' installments must be a movie of some sort. Continuity is for suckers!
• Bottledick is canon.
• The Foundation is less of a jail and more of a hotel.
• Bottledick is not canon.
• SCP-055 is a sphere.
• Dr. Cimmerian sent 650 million emails and crashed scipnet servers for a week.
• Site-19 has an on-site burger king.
• WWS is engaged in a bloody war with the Shark Punching Center.
• Dr. Hamm and SCP-049 are 049-J's fathers.
• fuck you.
• If you write in the cack hard cinematic universe, just set this page as your content's parent page.
• Mixing canons and doing things that don't make any logical sense is not only allowed but encouraged.
• have fun, damn it. this is not a canon, more like a loose continuity of crack fiction that is all about writing the stupidest crap you can think of.

crack fic? More like cack fic!

Home to shameful crack fiction which truly, bluely should not have seen the light of day!
Includes such bar-lowering classics as:

SCP	Name	Author
SCP-3472-J	In time, you will come to hate me.	UraniumEmpire
SCP-4491	"pulp ficktion"	Gabriel Jade
SCP-4498	The Plurality of Elias Shaw	djkaktus
SCP-4952	PlayerUnknown's Robert Frost	UraniumEmpire
SCP-4852	Site-19 Goes South For The Winter!	Rounderhouse
SCP-7013	Thirteen Indeed	Fishish and Jack Waltz

---

Tale	Author(s)
Cack Hard	Gabriel Jade and Uncle Nicolini
Cack Hard 2: Revengeance : Reloaded	Gabriel Jade and Uncle Nicolini
Boiled, Scrambled, and Fried	Wydness
Let me cure her, daddy	Wydness
Seven Days with Mr. Fish	Uncle Nicolini
Classy Carlos Goes To Therapy	Uncle Nicolini
Moon Champion's Cinco de Mayo Extravaganza	Uncle Nicolini
Let Sleeping Dogs Lie: A Play in Two Acts	Gabriel Jade
"A Tale Of Petty Revenge" or, "Dr. Cimmerian microwaves a slice of unwrapped Kraft American Singles in the Site-19 break room for two minutes"	Anonymous and Uncle Nicolini
Mobile Toddler Force	RockTeethMothEyes
S&C Paper	Uncle Nicolini
(Not The) Foundation Fight Club	Ellie3
SCP-ide	Ellie3
Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring...	Ayers
Words of Wisdom from the Containment Chamber of SCP-046-ARC, better known as Richard "Big Dick" Chappell	Rounderhouse
An Agent, A Cadet, A D-Class and A Janitor Walk Into The Sunlight.	Doctor North
Why Clef Hates Cupcakes	Doctor North and pieiswrong
Stupid Cupid	pieiswrong
Gamers Against Creativity	fishingenthusiast
"Is bad luck really such a crime?" asked the mouse to the cat.	Ellie3
No Cars Allowed	Ellie3
Clef Goes to the DMV	Uncle Nicolini
Dr. Cimmerian Hits Reply All	Uncle Nicolini
fifthist family picnic	Lt Flops
HOGSLICE vs bones	Uncle Nicolini
CCK-Class--Sorry, Original Character Interaction Story	LORDXVNV
049 x minion x reader (reader is a minion) (blame varaxous im sorry)	Ralliston
If A Bear Shits In The Woods, Does It Make A Sound?	Prismal

---

GoI Formats	Author(s)
Critter Profile: Wobbles!	Uncle Nicolini and Jade Skylar
The Corncrake of Destiny	Uncle Nicolini
Project Kōza, 1942	Uncle Nicolini

what the people are saying

"Fuckin' bottledick became a canon. The bar has now burrowed into the ground"
- Weryllium

"That verse rolled out the red carpet for Kanye's long-awaited album, but it doubled as an announcement of Chance's new Coloring Book (then given the working title Chance 3), which may very well be the most eagerly-anticipated hip-hop project this year that doesn't come attached to an actual record label."
- Pitchfork

"In a time of social fragmentation, vulgarity becomes a way of life. To be shocking becomes more important - and often more profitable - than to be civil or creative or truly original."
- Al Gore

"This is easily the worst thing I have ever read. Its obnoxious to the point of insanity. You should be ashamed of yourself."
- SecretCrow

"'You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take'
- Wayne Gretzky"
- Michael Scott

"Okay, April Fools is over, you can take the hub down now."
- A Random Day

"i still hear dr. spanko in my nightmares"
- morhadow

"You know, I was going to post this back in February but I figured April 1st would be a good time to actually post a hub for crack fiction."
- Uncle Nicolini

Are you sold yet?
No?
Well, that's fine, go ahead and slam that downvote button. The rating module is right here, coward!

And thats all I wrote.