Have you ever written a contest entry with your life on the line 2: Electric Boogaloo
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[02]_Dannylewiskey 04:20 AM
@[02]_Nicholas_Edgewater can i leave early, something came up
[02]_Nicholas_Edgewater 04:22 AM
Of course. Safe travels.
[04]_travis_light69 05:02 AM
guys
they're onto me
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 05:03 AM
Who????
[04]_travis_light69 05:03 AM
parawatch
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 05:05 AM
Are you serious.
[04]_travis_light69 05:05 AM
they figured out i work here
someone called me a "tide pod crusader" 😭😭
i'm literally just trying to defend clearwater's image
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 05:08 AM
HAHAHAHAHAH
Johnny's busy with… something. Wanna get drinks before the sun rises, oh gracious tide pod crusader?
[04]_travis_light69 05:09 AM
in the work chat? scandalous 😏
yeah but you're paying since you're old money or whatever
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 05:11 AM
If I had old money do you think I'd be working for a safety assessment company?
[04]_travis_light69 05:12 AM
tushay
its every man for himself out here
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 05:12 AM
It's touche
[04]_travis_light69 05:13 AM
ok nerd see you in the parking lot
[02]_Nicholas_Edgewater 05:15 AM
Don't forget to clock out.
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 05:16 AM
Sure you don't wanna join us?
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 05:20 AM
Sir?
[04]_travis_light69 05:20 AM
one day we'll get him
[02]_Nicholas_Edgewater 05:24 AM
No you won't. Goodnight.
"Can you believe it? They've turned working for Clearwater into an insult. These days, any time someone shows up claiming to have supernatural abilities or whatever, the stock response is 'go see if Clearwater is hiring'."
Travis and Enrique ended up at their usual spot, a bar a ways away from headquarters. Travis got a light beer and Enrique was slowly making his way through several shots of vodka. Not like he, a vampire, could actually get drunk, but it was nice to pretend.
Enrique huffed in amusement. "Looks like someone's offended."
"Of course I'm offended! I work for Clearwater!"
"Are you sure you're not just upset that you don't have supernatural abilities?"
Travis sighed. "Not everyone can be a vampire, a werewolf, or whatever John is. Some of us have to be normal marketing guys who have reputations to maintain."
"Don't worry about Johnny."
Johannes Danielewski was a fellow field technician and Clearwater's resident jack-of-all-trades. Johnny didn't understand his properties very well, but he confided in Enrique that:
- He too, was immortal, and
- Most people knowing too much about him was a bad idea.
"Ever heard of reverse psychology, man?"
Enrique clicked his tongue, his tone resolute. "You really do not."
Travis took the hint to leave it alone, nodding to himself and taking a sip of his beer. "I think Melanie hires them on purpose, y'know? Putting up ads that say 'Hiring freaks of nature'." He grinned at his own joke before remembering who he was talking to.
"Not that you're a freak of nature, I mean."
Enrique waved him off. He wasn't Johnny, but Travis was often unintentionally amusing. "You're all good. I'm well aware of what I am."
The two settled into a half-awkward silence as Travis traced shapes in the condensation of his glass. Enrique tapped the table and whistled some tune he heard 400 years ago that was still stuck in his head.
"They also talk about safety stuff on Parawatch, not just creepy horror stuff," Travis said after a moment. "Or dogging on companies that did nothing to them."
"Oh? What kind of safety stuff, then?"
"Ah, you know." Travis leaned forward, his tone conspiratorial. "Theories about what really caused workplace accidents."
Enrique started chuckling as he quickly scrolled on his phone trying to find a post. "Laugh all you want, but I think some of them are onto something!"
"Do tell, what are they onto?"
Travis' voice was hushed, like he was telling a scary story. "In 50 of the 64 chemical accidents in the last five years, they say there was a plastic skeleton at the scene."
Silence.
Then, Enrique cracked, erupting into laughter and doubling over. "WHY ON EARTH WOULD THERE BE A PLASTIC SKELETON?"
Travis raised his finger as if it would help his point. "No, no, I swear I'm serious! Remember when Johnny investigated that one chemical plant the other month? There was a plastic skeleton in the corner of one of the labs! And then it blew!"
"Travis, I hate to tell you this, but that happened because they didn't take our recommendations. Not because the skeleton of doom somehow caused it," Enrique said, still wheezing.
"I'm calling it. Next time we find one of those things, the place is screwed," Travis said, determined to salvage his dignity.
Enrique couldn't resist the opportunity to mess with him some more. He grinned, his fangs glinting in the bar's lighting. "Wanna bet?"
Travis couldn't resist either. He was only human, after all.
Boredom was an immortal's enemy.
Boredom, ultimately, drove Enrique to look into the 'plastic death omen', as Travis dubbed it. He lurked, as any good vampire would, through Parawatch for a little while. Upon finding nothing enlightening, he turned to Clearwater's database.
Clearwater Helpdesk
Responses may be delayed due to being short on staff.
Your ticket number is #44510039.
Name: Enrique Torres, Field Technician
Concern: Database
Good evening. Could you find something in the database for me? I'm trying to find how many files we have on chemical accidents, but as you're probably already well aware, it's a bit of a mess.
09:19 PM
Re:Database #44510039.
Hello, this is ADMIN. Here are 19 CCI reports on chemical accidents. There may be more, if you are willing to wait 2-7 business days for a more thorough search.
Once I set up a comprehensive tagging system in the near future, you won't have to bother with this ticket system. All you'll have to do is filter by category, just like that. But I'm focusing on fixing the database security first, so our stuff stops getting leaked by crackpots on the Internet.
Apologies for the delay.
11:04 PM
Re:re:Database #44510039.
Thanks a lot!
That honestly sounds like a lot of work. Are you working on this alone? I know we're short-staffed, but you can always ask for help. Johannes Danielewski used to be in charge of the database before you got hired, you know. He's always happy to help!
11:09 PM
Re:re:re:Database #44510039.
And who do you think caused this mess? I think I'll be fine, thank you.
11:14 PM
Out of the 19 reports and assessments before and after chemical accidents, 12 of them mentioned a plastic skeleton somewhere in the building.
Okay, this is getting weird.
"Hey Johnny, why do you note down plastic skeletons in the field reports when you spot them?"
"Oh, you noticed it too?" Johnny said, spinning backwards in his office chair. Enrique had managed to sneak away from proofreading reports and joined Johnny at his post in Clearwater Headquarters' in-house laboratory. It was no bigger than his office, barely qualifying as a laboratory with its meager stock of substances and equipment. Maybe when they had better budget.
Enrique raised an eyebrow, urging him to elaborate. Johnny nodded, leaning his chin on the headrest of the chair.
"Yeah, they kept popping up so I kept note of them. Then things go boom."
The chair slowed down its spinning and Enrique absentmindedly nudged it along. "Don't tell me you believe Travis' whole thing."
Johnny just shrugged. "Hey man, it's not my fault I pay attention."
Sure, this is happening. Travis was always a little impressionable, but when Johnny noticed something, it had to be more than a coincidence. Unfortunately, Enrique bet a hundred dollars, expecting to easily win.
"Tell you what," he started. "I have a theory, but you'll have to go out of your way for it."
Johnny stopped spinning, leaning forward with rapt attention.
It was surprisingly easy to steal a plastic skeleton from a chemical processing facility. Or maybe Johnny was just a good thief. How he somehow managed to hide an entire skeleton from Travis, his driver, was beyond Enrique.
Speaking of the skeleton, it sat in Johnny's chair, completely unassuming. He glared into its eye sockets, daring it to do anything.
Johnny was sitting on the counter, swinging his legs. "Now what?"
"I… don't know," Enrique said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "My theory is that nothing's gonna happen to Sawyer Chemical Plant now that we've confiscated this guy."
"Or that you've doomed us too."
Enrique looked around. "Does this lab even have the chance of causing a massive accident like that?"
"Anything could happen." Johnny shrugged.
"Torres," an English voice suddenly said. Enrique spun around to see the night shift manager, Nicholas Edgewater, had suddenly appeared in the lab.
He tried not to look guilty about skipping paperwork again. "Yeah?"
Edgewater looked between the skeleton, Johnny, and Enrique. The latter two glanced at each other.
"Is that filed in the Database?"
Johnny answered before Enrique could. "Nah, we just acquired it."
"Don't forget to add it," Edgewater said before retreating into the darkness.
Enrique turned to Johnny and nudged his leg with his shoe. "You do it."
Johnny nudged him back. "This was your idea, man."
CISHA INVENTORY DATABASE
21-018 before getting transferred to SL-B.
CCID: 2021-018
CISHA Risk Assessment:
PENDING
Location:
CCI Headquarters, Floor 1, SL-B
Status: Active
Control measures:
Pending; Under observation. Interact with caution.
Description:
A standard plastic model skeleton. Was found wearing a lab coat.
Discovery:
Confiscated from Sawyer's Chemical Plant during a contracted assessment.
Utility and Implementation (if any): Decoration Possible omen of destruction?
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Today's menu: Schnitzels and sweet tea
[04]_travis_light69 02:09 AM
so @[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25
are you gonna address the elephant in the room
or should i say
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 02:10 AM
Calm down.
[04]_travis_light69 02:10 AM
the skeleton in the lab
with all the potentially hazardous chemicals?
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 02:11 AM
Ah yes, so much destructive potential in our tiny lab. Oh, the horror
Nothing is going to happen
Ready to pay up?
[04]_travis_light69 02:12 AM
i swear you and tim are going to bankrupt me
you just had to put him in a lab coat too?
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 02:15 AM
No we didn't?
Johnny found him wearing one, though.
it*
[04]_travis_light69 02:16 AM
he must've gotten it back lmaoo
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 02:21 AM
Ha ha.
I'm not going to lose.
"What time is it?"
Enrique looked up from his desk to see a frazzled man stumble into his office. "It's 3:15 in the morning. You're… Tim, right?"
"Yes, Timeshare Tim," he said, leaning on his desk to catch his breath.
He only knew of Timeshare Tim. Being intolerant of sunlight meant he was only able to meet the day shift employees through the company's chat. Tim was one of the people who also enabled Travis' addiction to bets, but also a prolific time traveler who was also Clearwater's historical property assessor.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Enrique Torres." He would've liked to be introduced to him properly, but Tim seemed very alarmed. "Do need help with… time stuff?"
"No, you need help. How familiar are you with omens?"
Dread and regret dropped into his stomach. Enrique groaned, dragging his palms down his face. "Let me guess. Chemical accident?"
Tim nodded, his eyes wild. "It begins in five minutes. Catastrophic. Good thing: it can still be changed. Go."
As Enrique rushed off to the lab, Tim collapsed into a chair, rubbing his temple. "God, I need a day off. Or a month off. Eh, not that they'll know either way."
He glanced at the calendar on Enrique's desk.
"…This isn't 2024."
Incident 21-018
On 08/05/2021, Security Officer Derek Hill managed to capture the following surveillance footage of the laboratory.
03:25 - Johannes Danielewski departs the lab
03:29 - 21-018 becomes animate
03:31 - 21-018 enters and examines the contents of the lab
03:33 - 21-018 stumbles into a shelf, knocking over a large container of bleach
03:40 - Enrique Torres enters the lab, flanked by Johannes Danielewski and Nicholas Edgewater
Torres: I KNEW IT!
21-018: AAAAA
Torres: You think you can cause trouble everywhere you go? Not here, buddy!
21-018: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
Torres: The… the accidents? Did you not cause those?
21-018: OH RIGHT THOSE
21-018: I WAS THERE
Danielewski: Hey man, it's nice seeing you again.
21-018: HI JOHNNY HOW ARE YOU
Torres: Wait, you knew about this?
Danielewski: No, but he has chemicals in his hands and I want to be nice.
21-018: WHY I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING
Torres: You knocked over the bleach!
21-018: BUTTERFINGERS- NO, BUTTERPHALANGES
Edgewater: Alright, if everybody would refrain from yelling-
21-018: I'M NOT YELLING THIS IS JUST HOW I TALK
Torres: Edgewater, what do we do?
21-018 drops the flask of rubbing alcohol.
Torres: …
21-018: MY BAD
Notes: Edgewater evacuated Torres, Danielewski, and 21-018 to the second floor in order to avoid the chloroform gas that resulted from the spilled substances. No injuries were sustained except for Danielewski's broken nose upon falling during the evacuation. The lab was successfully sealed until the chloroform gas fully evaporated.
10 Comments on "CCI-DB-08/05/2021"
travis_light69 commented:
i fucking told you so
fernando_iglesias25 replied to travis_light69
This doesn't mean you win, by the way. We stopped him before he could bring HQ to the ground
travis_light69 replied to fernando_iglesias25
oh come on
TimTimeshare commented:
Wrong year, my bad @fernando_iglesias25
fernando_iglesias25 replied to TimTimeshare
It's alright, I'm not the one who has to relive 2021 to 2024.
TimTimeshare replied to fernando_iglesias25
you get used to it 😔
M_APPARATUS commented:
OH WOW A FILE ALL ABOUT ME
fernando_iglesias25 replied to M_APPARATUS
WHAT THE FUCK?? WHO GAVE THIS THING AN ACCOUNT
MelfromHR replied to fernando_iglesias25
"This thing" is your co-worker now, Mr. Torres. I suggest you be respectful.
fernando_iglesias25 replied to MelfromHR
WHAT
#[☕]-beanwater-compliance >
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Today's menu: Danny hasn't decided yet
[02]_Dannylewiskey 10:19 PM
Good evening guys 😊😊😊😊😊
[04]_travis_light69 10:23 PM
technicallyyyy
the bet's not over yet
right
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 10:24 PM
Uh, yeah. You still haven't coughed up a hundred bucks
[04]_travis_light69 10:25 PM
no no i mean
it's not over yet because we still don't know if he's gonna
yknow
[01] M_APPARATUS 10:26 PM
HELLO GOOD EVENING WHAT BET ARE WE DISCUSSING
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 10:26 PM
Wouldn't you like to know, skeleboy.
[04]_travis_light69 10:27 PM
hahahahh don't worry about itttt 🥰
[01] M_APPARATUS 10:28 PM
OK COOL BEANS
I LOVE TALKING WITH YOU GUYS (EXCEPT ENRIQUE)
[02]_Dannylewiskey 10:30 PM
Aww i love talking with you too man :D
[02]_Fernando_Iglesias25 10:34 PM
👍
"Melanie Pugh speaking, how may I help you?"
"Good evening, this is Enrique Torres. May I ask why on earth you thought hiring a proven hazard was a good idea?"
The woman on the other side of the phone sighed. "Is this about Dr. Mortis Apparatus?"
Enrique started pacing his apartment. "There's no way he's an actual doctor."
"Actually, his name ends in PHD. Look, Mr. Torres, I understand your hesitance. And despite last week's… incident, Apparatus has proven to be a very qualified and hard worker. He is just as eligible for hiring as the rest of y-"
"Oh yeah? Hard at work doing what, figuring out how to weaponize the headquarters' laboratory?"
Pugh was terse. Enrique didn't really care. "No, regular lab work. He has also volunteered for cases of field work wherein the environment is too hazardous for fleshed employees."
"You're telling me I'm going to have to work with this thi- this guy?"
"Mr. Torres, you of all people should learn how to set aside prejudices. Do you know how many of Clearwater's clients would react in shock knowing we employ a vampire?"
Oh, she did not just- Enrique was sick and tired of the old morality argument. It was ancient news, even for him. He was no more immoral than a warmonger. In fact, many military generals of the modern day likely ordered more deaths than he had ever caused in his entire lifespan.
"You know that's different. I stopped hunting people decades ago, check my papers!"
She had the gall to sound smug. "Still, my point stands. Please, try to make our new employee feel welcomed."
Enrique hung up. I'll make him feel welcome, alright.
It was surprisingly easy to acquire a "blowtorch" from Johannes Danielewski.
All Enrique had to do was ask nicely for something that could melt plastic and tell him what he was going to use it for. The man nodded, disappeared into one of the storage lockers, and reappeared moments later with what was definitely a homemade flamethrower.
"With great power comes great responsibility," he said sagely as he handed it over, and Enrique chuckled.
Enrique held it gingerly, afraid would spontaneously combust. "I've never actually used one of these before."
Johnny grinned. "It's like driving. You just do it and then you figure it out along the way." That did not help, but he did not have the luxury of time to complain or tell Johnny this was the reason Travis had to drive him places.
He found it in SL-B, not in the lab like he expected. It was the bigger storage locker, filled with shelves and miscellaneous boxes rather than lockers and drawers like SL-A. And the dust. God, the dust. But most importantly, there were no security cameras in SL-B.
"Hello Dr. Mortis Apparatus, if that even is your real name."
The skeleton clapped back without hesitation. "LIKE ENRIQUE TORRES IS YOUR REAL NAME YEP"
It wasn't, and Enrique didn't want to think about how it knew that. His grip tightened around the gun end of the flamethrower. Apparatus turned around and Enrique suppressed a shudder as those empty eye sockets locked onto him.
"WHAT'S UP WHAT YOU GOT THERE MAN"
"Oh, this beaut?" Enrique held up the gun. "You wouldn't like it, I think. But you're no stranger to igniting volatile elements, are you?"
The skeleton just stared. "IT WON'T WORK"
He lowered the gun. "What?"
"YOUR THINGAMAJIGY IT WON'T DO ANYTHING"
Enrique looked between Apparatus and his own weapon. "You're made of plastic. This is a flamethrower. I could destroy you."
"COULD YOU NOW," Apparatus said, putting his hands on his pelvis. The vampire raised the gun again and stepped closer. The two circled around the room, keeping each other in sight until the skeleton stopped.
"FOR YOUR INFORMATION I MORTIS APPARATUS PHD (PROPHET, HERALD, DESTRUCTION) HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN 197 EXPLOSIONS OF VARYING DEGREE"
"197?"
Apparatus raised a bony finger. "HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET CAUGHT IN ONE (WHICH IS USUALLY)"
Enrique finally put the pieces together, wondering how he didn't realize it sooner. "…You come back."
"PLUS IF YOU FIRE THAT YOU WILL ALSO BE IGNITING THE CONVENIENTLY PLACED OXYGEN TANK BEHIND ME"
He looked behind the skeleton and groaned. "Oh for fuck's sake- WHY IS THAT THERE?"
Apparatus shrugged.
"SO LET'S TRUCE OK I CANNOT STAND YOUR BITCH ASS ATTITUDE I'M NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING I HAVE A PAYCHECK NOW"
Enrique lowered the gun, his brow furrowing. "You're… not going to cause an accident?"
"I CAN AFFORD RENT WHY WOULD I DO THAT"
So even omens of destruction needed somewhere to live. Alright, sure, Enrique could accept that. "I… fair enough."
Awkward silence settled over the storage locker for a moment. Then:
"Are you two quite finished?"
Enrique yelped as Edgewater spoke up, turning towards him and firing the flamethrower on reflex. His heart dropped as he let go of the flamethrower, it hitting the floor with a loud clang.
"SHIT, EDGEWATER-"
As the flames cleared, the night shift manager stood unharmed, save for his sleeve, which was on fire. He frowned at it as though it was nothing but a stain.
"Be careful where you point that, Torres. You could seriously hurt someone."
"S-sorry, sir."
He watched, dumbstruck, as Edgewater extinguished his sleeve with a swipe of his hand and left.
"OHHH I GET IT," Apparatus said after a moment.
Enrique turned towards the skeleton, who was rubbing his mandible. "What?"
"BECAUSE HE'S EDGEWATER"
…
"ARE WE STILL DOING A TRUCE YOU DON'T LOOK VERY TRUCEY-"
Enrique lunged at Apparatus with a screech.