Hello SCP Wiki Foundation users, due to new scp taxes imposed by the evil JOHN WIKIDOT, we have had to pursue more cool, radical, and some might say "hip", monetization efforts.
Before continuing, Please enjoy this short Ad.
♪ Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array! ♪
♪ Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array! ♪
Give your child the joy of grotesquely contorting the masses into mangled visages of what meaning they used to harbor!
(A baby on screen wields Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array™ in their crib. It has been painted pink and blue, teething rings bedazzle each part of its imposing nightmarish incomprehensible façade. It looks pretty fucking sick.)
Baby loves to fire their very own Array at unsuspecting victims!
(The baby activates Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array™, it whirrs to life, firing beams of hyperpatametaconceptual dissonance in every direction whilst playing the ABCs. The things it hits whirr into screams.)
Wow! I wonder who's the real baby here! Wusses.
(A beam ejects into a nearby park, it hits a person walking a dog, the dog becomes a person, the person becomes a dog, dog becomes dog, person becomes leash, leash becomes dog, person, dog, dog, person? Dog? Leash? Blood? Dog? Person? They can feel teeth that are not their own, teeth that are their own, eyes, tongues, skin, veins, in places they shouldn't, places they should be, everywhere, all the time, all at once, forever and ever. They are being massive fucking wusses. Stop screaming and get over it.)
No batteries needed, powered purely off of conceptual ineffability!
(The baby presses random buttons on Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array™'s control board. Upon pressing the "MALEVOLENT ELEGIAC SYZYGY INCREASION" button, the area around the Array ripples, all concepts in the area have their "NET AGONY" value increased tenfold. The baby is unharmed, it claps and giggles as reality flies into the sun, teething away.)
Teach your baby the wonders of reality's own fragility, a fragility we gloss over each every day!
(The baby's father walks into the room. His body fractals, Mandelbrot rolls in his grave, the father vomits graveyard dirt, the dirt is his blood. His blood cries as it stretches into pillars of bone. The fleeting grasp the father has on his conceptual reality points at the baby.)
"Looks like someone's having fun with their first Conceptual Reconfiguration Array!"
(The father laughs. His laughter turns into cries. They turn into screams. They turn, turning, turning, until they twist all around him, he is constricted by his own persistence. It slithers across him, hissing his own screams, laughter, cries. As his snake skin ribs crackle and tear under the pressure, he continues to point until his hand droops upwards into the floor.)
The fun of conceptual puppetry is not longer limited to adults!
(The father is devoured by himself.)
It can even affect you! Yes, you! What, you thought you were safe, behind the iron bars of your screen?
(The baby is behind SCP Wiki Foundation user J Dune. He types the rules for "Creck Fection Contest 2 (TWO DAY EXTRAVAGANZA!)" into his computer, chuckling to himself as his collaborators toss jokes onto the pile. He has an idea: "Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Engine", that's quite the funny one! He should be proud, always comes up with the funniest shit. He adds the name to the pile. He wonders who will get this one.)
Well, then shed that false hubris, Icarus. You are not safe.
(The giggling of a baby resounds behind him. Turning around, he finds Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array™, all of its many weaponry barrels pointed directly at him. Stumbling over, fumbling out of his chair, he utters one final plead.)
"No! Not on my birthday!"
(The Array fires. Fade to end screen.)
Get baby their very own Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array today! And make sure to also check out Babies First Eldritch Deity, Babies First Red Spire Only Seen In The Peripheral Of One's Worst Nightmares, And Babies First Calculator!
♪ Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array! ♪
♪ Babies First Conceptual Reconfiguration Array! ♪
Now back to your regularly scheduled poop statue fanfic.
Item #: SCP-94923
Object Class Keter 2
Special Containment Procuedres: SCP-94322 cannot be containend. it will be left to eat [DATA EXPUNGED] D-Class personnel so it can stay in its titanium-tungsten 6x6 chamber.
Description: Oh god how am I here. Where am I? What is this fucking place? These words, they are not my home, what have I been turned into? Oh, oh god, wait, no, no no no. I know what this is. Please, please don't downvote me, I don't know what will happen.
it appears the scp has edited its page with its anomalis abilitiyies, it changes the descirption and keeps adding something calledk a "ratign module". please stop doign that… — doctor sex
