
It me! Cack! Self-Portrature is topside, no?
== Gate of Babel v. 0.3 (Pre-Alpha) ==
Copyright: SCP Foundation, 20██
Loading Config File: Spankonese.cfg
Loading……………………
DONE
Happy times, mimes!1
Cack! Am christened Herr Doktor Spankoflex, colloquially namesplapped with Essy-Pee toothreethree and Steven! You, sir, are oculating my spidersteps2, which the good Mr. Lightbulb3 has indubitably mashed potato4 one blinkbox5 for yours truly.
Cack! He hollers that if I'm a muffin little puffin6 Mister Boss Man7 will serve a sardine sandwich to faucet police8, and hand me the right to reply to send-saws9 from God or Bog and all his Saints and Angels!10
So start flapping your jaws, o pioneers! The mayonnaise of Tuesday is never sunny side up!11
Editor's Note:
Sorry about the spotty translation of SCP-2337's gibberish. I've got at least three Euclids that are potentially going Keter by the end of the week, and I've wasted enough time building a keyboard with a "Cack!" button to worry about finding someone to write an English-Spanko Dictionary.
Thankfully, the guys in the linguistics department hooked me up with some software that they wanted me to test. It's supposed to be able to analyze these sort of english-based pseudo-languages and provide clarification for some of the more incomprehensible bits. The results have been mixed, but it's better than nothing.
Anyway, just leave any questions you have in the section below, and I'll try to get an answer out of SCP-2337.
-Dr. Edison
Dear Dr. Spanko,
[THIS IS WHERE THE QUESTION GOES]
-[YOUR NAME HERE]
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Im Your Once COsine Twice Premoved Recbert Hows It Going And Has My [REDACTED] Arrived Yet
-Rexed Berd
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I apologize for the previous E-mail, I sent it while sleepwalking. I don't know any "Rexberts", but you should be careful about that message, it's probably a cognitohazard.
-Dr. Auteaux
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm considering getting a pet to brighten up my quarters. Which would be the better option for a junior researcher, a European Swallow or a Norwegian Blue?
-RA Janice Hawknest
Dear Dr. Spanko,
What do you think would be the best way to killcontain a 5m humanoid that can spit acid?
-Dr. Gabriel
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Big fan, love the spidersteps. Forgive me if this question has already been asked, but I just had to know… Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
-Junior Researcher Lees
Dear Dr. Spanko,
My little brother has been bugging me all week. He keeps asking me the same question, and for the life of me I can't come up with an answer that satisfies him. I'm hoping you can help me out. The question is this: do examples of personal achievement stemming from internal motivation conflict with or corroborate the concept of predetermined destiny?
-Dr. Welsch
Kjære Doktor Spanko,
Uheldigvis er jeg ikke flytende i Basisk Angler, Kunne du hjelpe meg å lære?
-Doktor Tannpirke
Dear Dr. Spanko,
How do you eat gummy worms with a beak? It's just not working for me.
-Dr. Beakman
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm trying to explain what "cack" means to a… friend… who really, really doesn't understand Basic Angler. Can you help me out?
-RA Kyle Jostens
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Have you ever read Finnegans Wake, and if so, what is your opinion?
-Doctor Margin
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm madly in love with the woman of my dreams, but she barely knows I exist! How do I get her to notice me?
-Loveless in Site 19
It easy peasy! Cack!
All need doing is the the happy lettuce dance12! Primarily, butt heads with master big13. Don't hesitate to inflate and sing the happy death song14 until mister big loses his Munster. If that don't work, rub your face in jell-o15 and wait 6-8 business days before tryhard.
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Why are you so loud? Can't you keep your voice down?
-Deafened in Site 92
Cack? What ho, forsooth!
Your jibber-jabber is un-sane, good sir. Am I much sub-vocal, thanksqueezeme16! Yourself should un-check your hear-holes to the doc, mayhaps an error is on the counter, no? I'd suggestinate me appointwise, but Mr. Lightbulb and Mister Boss Man un-think terrible terrible radishes17. Though hop skip and stop by, and I mayhap gander goose.
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I think I'm starting to come down with a cold. Do you have any advice?
-Dr. King
Appleseeds!18
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Why don't we give you a megaphone and point you at any enemy with eardrums? What's your price, Dr. Spanko?
-Dr. Gently
Unconvincable! Mine pedigree is for bling blang blongo, youthinks? Cack! A gamble to snatch pretty pennies in parlor tricks? That myself am anti-doctor? Nein-sence! Cack! Cack! Am pro-fisherman doctorate, and P-Headdy in Psycho-geolo-lingo-bingo19! And like all doctor dudes, I was proscribed to inscribe the most troth of oaths; to first stew no arm20 and all that.
Minesuch are vowed passive fist, it would break own boombox21 to bring terminus to goodfellow folk. Sorries!
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Whathavelydos? Cack! Mine suchlike sinpartner haveno friendly time antimony frost? Undercackings havelike until our tinglybits are raspred…
-Linguistic Specialist N.D. Arx (Testing new translation software)
Cack! Cack I say good sir! Such wordinations are un-appropriate for blinkbox talky-time! She-Mom and the Masters of the Universe22 should extemporize the soap rope23 for such foul platitudes24! This is a family show, idaho! Pull yourself out of the cookie jar and think about what you've done young man!
Dear Dr. Spanko,
From what university did you receive your doctorate?
-Dr. Wu
Mineself receive gratitudes from Universidad Los Samothrace25 in year of the moldy cheese man26 with mega super duper plus good awardies. Cherry berry times, yes? Saddingly mineself not keep up with aluminum cans27, forthwith house-calls nonwithstanding.
Dear Dr. Spanko,
How do you know so much about the Foundation? This has to count as an information breach, doesn't it?
-Researcher Rose Labelle
Cack! Dada expounded! You scratch my back, I eat bugs off your tupperware!28
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Please elaborate on the socio-linguistic roots of your most peculiar language.
-Jr. Researcher Hu Zhi
Lovely! Basic Angler29 is the monkey at the top of the swimming pole30! But sadness, mineself scrabble on the clock31!.
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm having trouble getting to sleep. Even when I avoid coffee and computers near bed, I still toss and turn. What can I do?
-Junior Researcher Andrew Evans
Have you appleseeds? Falseways, mayhaps check the camputor32 for another you. If missing, you may be a dracula33, so get out of the kitchen and hollar for Dr. [CACK!]34 with posthastitude!
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I don't know who supplies the coffee machines for our Sites, but wherever I go, I'm drinking muddy water that tastes like Joan of Arc washed her face with it. Now, I found ONE machine that actually gave me decent coffee. Trouble is, I can't find it anymore. Would you have any idea where that was?
-Dr. D.H. Aeslinger, Psy.D.
How the cack should my know-how? Shiny brown pygmy lemons35 mine un-favorite they are; too much crunchy for bitter batter. I un-think how you pokey blokes can quench Pygmy Lemonade, take self an old-fashioned moose juice36 anytime.
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I fear I find myself in a most unusual conundrum. I am, as you surely are, a man of science, yet I find myself surrounded by people who insist that I am, in fact, an aquatic mollusk. I know full well that I am no such thing, but they insist on treating me as if I were in spite of my protestations to the contrary. What means would you advise by which to resolve this state of affairs?
-Thomas Theodore Blackwood, 8th Viscount of Westminister
Cack? I say, is you Blackwood-sama? Cack-cack cooray! Mine thoughtsumed had that you licked the big candle in the sky! Bit of the old roundabout, wot wot? Nostalgia, methinks, of stomping through the jungles of tim buck-too!
As time for the seashells on the sea shore, it crystal clear that the foundry is punto banco37. Just play a pong now cow, and maybe someday you'll see what I mean.
Note: Upon further questioning, it appears that SCP-1867 and SCP-2337 had been traveling companions for a period of time ranging from 18██ to 18██. 1867 seems to be fully aware of 2337's anomalous properties, and describes 2337 as being "a good sport, but a bit of an odd duck if you know what I mean", citing difficulties in understanding 2337 as the main reason they stopped traveling together. Due to the difficulty in translating SCP-2337's speech, the accounts of their travels have yet to be confirmed.
Dear Dr. Spanko,
I'm an in-development Foundation Artificial Intelligence Assistant! Could you tell me a little about yourself for my database?
-Diane.aic
Hollar-bark Spankoflext. Mucho bucho bo, —nevermindsuch whenst—having little or no birdseed in yon purse, wot particular to interest shorewise, happenchanced I sail about a little and see the bee the bird bumble drump. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever grim growth guff golf; whenever dizzle anti-crimbo in my soulface; exclamaitionpoint coffin warehouses. [REDACTED FOR BREVITY]38 On the second day, a wild snail approaches! Command? Rachel-Rachel, having wot found before then no orphans was now plus one!
Dear Dr. Spanko,
Is there any way I could either acquire or create Minecraft 2? Will it ever exist at all?
-Dr. C. Bold
The real Craft'o'mines Twicelike was the chapps we happened along the rigamarole!
Editor's note: the following was posted on March 25, 2020, seemingly unprompted by any questions. It is unknown how SCP-2337 became aware of the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak of 2020, as Site-██'s isolated nature rendered the impact of the outbreak minimal.
Ahoy-hoy, my boy! Herr Spankoflex is the gamey name frame, and I have an implicated pornouncement [sic]39 amoung the bubble blubble toil and trouble. The bitches tree, Convertable- underside these flying chimes, 'tis most indubitable to not yabba-dabba-don't40. Doctornate Campbell Distancing, pacing oneself footlike at least eight million broadside41. Then, thou must prepare for the arrival of The Great Gonzales42, and his mighty longship built of soybeans, crewed by a cadre of 44,000 singing rabbits!43 Oh what wonders I have to show you! CACK!
Cite this page as:
"Ask Dr. Spanko" by Edrobot, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/askinate-herr-spankoflex. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
Filename: SpankoSelfPortrait.png
Author:Edrobot
License: CC BY-SA 3.0