I am Become DEET, Destroyer of Worlds
rating: +69+x

Alright, try it again. Focus on our pot, and try to move us somewhere else.


If you do this for me, I promise you you'll never have to worry about water again.

im thirsty

I know, buddy. Now, on my count… three, two-

In an alleyway in West Virginia, a cactus was trying to float. After poky's grand escape from the facility that kept them prisoner, Carnegias knew that now would be the time to train his forced protege. Gone would be the days of relying on useless fleshy mortals for locomotion… Or at least, this is what Carnegias would have hoped. Cracks in the clay pot and soil scattered around made it obvious how successful levitation has been so far.

The sounds of subtle eldritch moaning filled the air around the fallen plant pot, and through the miracle of determination, poky was levitating. Carnegias would have shouted in joy if he had a mouth, but instead he simply commended poky on a job well done. Perhaps he was shaping up to be a worthy vessel after all!

Good, good! Fly to the heavens, show to me a-

but water though

Ah- ah… yes, right. I did say we needed water next, didn't we?


Well, let's try to fly out of this disgusting hovel and see if there aren't subjects that will bend to our will and sustain us, shall we?

and give us water

Yes, and give us water.


After a shaky launch, poky puttered along in the air out of the shady alley and into the night-lit streets. No longer did they need to worry about hiding, they were coming ever closer to their true potential. Carnegias figured that poky had earned a reward for their good work, and so he sought to find a place that would be comfortable for them to hunker down in for the night.

As they bobbed in the air, Carnegias scanned the buildings around them, looking for something that may have the sustenance they required. Suddenly, something caught his eye… something peculiar… Many people would see a pizza shop and think that it's nothing out of the ordinary, however Carnegias was perceptive. After spending ages trapped within the confines of the SCP Foundation, he knew that even if it was a coincidence, the shop was worth investigating.



The pizzeria.

i cant eat pizza

Yes, I know, but they often have drinks and such, yes? And patrons who eat there?

oh yeah

It's settled then. Direct us to Spicy Crust Pizzeria

Leslie wasn't sure where she was going. Thanks to some good new friends, though, she at least had a lead on Merle's location. Sadly, the entire state of West Virginia is still a bit of ground to cover. The internal map programmed into her brain didn't have secure locations beyond important sites she was supposed to report back to, so she just looked for signs of Foundation involvement.

She knew about callsigns, things that could indicate if something was secretly run by the Foundation but disguised in broad daylight. Marks in the forest, the way a few rocks were formed, warnings of where not to go. The most obvious sign of Foundation involvement were businesses with the same acronym, S.C.P. If she was to get more information without being caught, finding a sympathetic agent or researcher would be her best bet.

As night came around, she started to get a bit tired; sure she may have been brought back to life, but that didn't mean she doesn't need sleep every once in a while. She wandered around a small town, seeing if there wasn't a safe place to sleep away from any stray animals or birds that would be more than happy to have a little snack on the go, when all of a sudden she had text fill up her display screen.

Yes, YES! Drink, poky! The weak, pitiful Foundation will know that they made a mistake by entrapping the Great Carnegias in a box!

and poky

And poky! Carnegias and poky, the true rulers of this wretched mortal plane!

thanks for water everyone

Leslie almost flew into a light post as the words invaded her vision. Her communication network was definitely supposed to be secure, and by the way the messages were phrased she figured whoever sent them weren't personnel who located her. Someone had managed to hack her, and whether that's a good thing or a bad thing she wasn't sure.

Suddenly in the distance, she noticed a commotion. People were running, or in some cases crawling away from what looked like a local pizza place as glass and stools and pizza boxes were being thrown through the ruined windows and front door. A part of her knew that she could get hurt or worse for investigating this, but another part of her felt a duty to help people.

She didn't wrestle with the decision for long, the conviction of a brilliant doctor and an eccentric knight inspired her with what she needed to do.

Carnegias was laughing maniacally, he didn't care if these mortals were innocents or if they were working with the slavers, but seeing poky truly express their potential and wreaking havoc made him feel… proud. Much like a coach watching their star performer get a touchdown, Carnegias watched as poky eviscerated bodies and tossed tables and chairs around like they were plastic toys.

these people are screaming

Yes poky, yes they are.

but thats bad

It's bad if the people who help us are screaming. These people aren't helping us, they aren't our friends, they just got in our way of domination.

oh okay

Now, try to find any cowards who think hiding will save them from the wrath of the most powerful cactus known to man!

thats mean

Like I said, buddy, these people aren't our friends. It's okay to call people who aren't our friends mean names.


Try it, if you want!

they smell

Good first try, we'll get better at that.

The pair effortlessly tossed aside a chunk of the counter as they floated into the kitchen, searching for employees who thought that they could hide. Carnegias missed this feeling of being in control; sure he wasn't the one doing the killing, but at least he was on the side of the person with the power.

As the carnage and destruction continued, Tyrone blocked the door to the break room with a filing cabinet and quickly tried to contact the Foundation.

Leslie knew better than to immediately try to engage with whatever this floating cactus was, but it was clearly intelligent and very, very dangerous. She would vomit at the sight of so many mangled bodies if she could, but instead she focused on what she could do here. She didn't know if whatever this thing was could be reasoned with, but her priority was to find any people that needed help first.

Making sure to fly above the cactus so it couldn't see her, if it could see at all, she tried to get a good view of the ground below. Most of the people on the ground were obviously dead, and those that weren't were too far gone for her to even try to save. Despite everything, she heard something among the havoc… someone talking through the air vent.

She snuck her way into the grate, tracking the sound in hopes of finding a survivor. Looking through the vent at the source, she finally was able to make out what the sound was.

"It's Tyrone, please come quick, some kind of cactus thing is here, it's pretty obviously some kind of anomaly and it's got a telekinetic field so I can't get close to it. Can't count casualties right now, but at least, uh, six civilians are dead," the voice said.

Leslie didn't know if that person was going to be on her side or not, but at the mention of anomaly she knew that he at least knew something. She crawled out from the vent to get a better look at the voice, only to see a rather plain-looking person wearing a uniform for the pizzeria. It was only then that she noticed the logo on his name tag… it couldn't be a coincidence, not with how he was talking. Now she knew she had to help; with luck this person could help her find Merle.

"Hey, up here!" Leslie shouted, "You're with the Foundation, right?"

Tyrone spun around to find the source of the voice. "Don't come close! I know how to handle freaks like you, don't even try me!" Tyrone wasn't convincing in his threats despite his confidence in them. His posture made him look like he was a dog hiding from a thunderstorm.

Leslie buzzed down onto the arm of a very poorly-kept red armchair and looked directly at Tyrone. "I'm not here to hurt you. I want to help."

Tyrone turned to her voice and looked down at the mosquito in front of him. Leslie flicked her wings, a habit she picked up when she was nervous.

"God fucking… two anomalies? Look, I don't know how so many of you broke out of containment, but I'm reporting you too once the Feds get here," Tyrone said exasperated. "I was just working a bit of overtime, I'm too tired for this shit."

"Uhm, I'm actually a Foundation Agent… kind of," Leslie said, technically not lying. "You can't tell anyone I'm here because I'm not supposed to be here, and I don't know anything about what's going on out there, but you and I are on the same team here."

A smile flicked across Tyrone's face for the first time in the last half hour. First an insane cactus with eldritch powers trashes the place, and then a talking mosquito comes along claiming to be a Foundation Agent? Fuck it, sure, if this is his end he might as well go along with whatever bullshit he's dealing with right now.

"Alright, if you're an Agent, what do you suppose we do? That thing out there can obliterate anything in its path; how it hasn't found the break room is beyond me, but if you go out there and try to stop it you'll be squished like nothing." Tyrone explains.

Leslie thought for a moment, "Well, I think it's intelligent. Ever since I got in the area, I've been getting messages from someone on my communication network. My guess would be it belongs to them, so… if I can get their attention I should be able to talk to them!"

"Communication network?" Tyrone asked.

"I'm a cyborg mosquito." Leslie explained.

"…Right. Of course you are." Tyrone said, not wanting to even question it, "That still won't explain how you'll stop it from crushing you."

This gave Leslie pause. "I guess I'll just have to be convincing, won't I?"

Tyrone knew this bug was going to die, but at least it might be able to stall for time before the real Agents got here. So long as she didn't lead them to the break room, he figured this was his best shot.

"I guess you will."

"Hey, Carnegias!" Leslie shouted, "That's your name, right? I can see you talking to someone!"

Leslie had interrupted poky drawing blood from a fallen victim in order to water himself. At the sound of the shout, the blood that was floating in the air unceremoniously splashed to the ground, becoming an ugly red puddle.

who said that

If I knew I would tell you.

"I'll tell you who said that," Leslie said flying closer to the cactus, "But only if you listen to what I have to say first."

the voice can hear us

Or it has a cellular device.

im scared where is it

Don't be frightened, surely they will perish at our might!

"I'm not here to hurt you. Either of you. I just want to talk," Leslie said calmly, hoping they wouldn't notice a speck in the air.


Fool! You don't need any friends, you have me! I mean, you have my power! Friendship is a… a trivial thing!


As the next messages showed up, something clicked in Leslie's head. She knew what to do. Hours of romance movies told Leslie everything she needed to know about what was going on here.

"Carnegias, why are you lying?" Leslie asked.

Lying? Lying? What could I possibly be saying that is false?

the voice is being mean

Yes poky, we should find it and destroy it post-haste!

"You two seem very close, I can tell the bond between you is strong," Leslie remarked, flying high above the cactus as it started to throw everything it could in every direction in an attempt to destroy the source of the voice, "Why are you lying about friendship being trivial, Carnegias? Don't you like being poky's friend?"

Friend? Friend? Foolish! Do you really think he's my friend? He's an… accomplice! He's an accomplice and you shall bow before us! I would not be friends with such a… a simple being!

The cactus stopped suddenly, clunking to the ground. All of the objects that were swirling around it came to a crashing halt.

you wouldnt?

There was a deafening silence in the ruined pizzeria for a long time, the only sounds being the flickering of lights and the dripping of bodily fluids. Leslie had them cornered.

but carnie

Poky, please, don't be distracted by this voice's ravings. We need to search it out and destroy it!


"Carnegias, are you really so cruel?" Leslie asked, "To outright say that you're not the friend of someone who so clearly looks up to you? Do you really just think of poky as someone not worth caring about?"

please carnie

Please what?

please say youre lying


"Well Carnegias? Is it really so hard to admit that you're friends with someone even if they're different from you?" Leslie said, "You seem like you put on the guise of the tough, strong, heartless guy, but deep down I can tell you want companionship. You want to be friends with poky, you relish the idea of it, but being friends with someone goes against the whole image you've made for yourself."

That's not true, vile mortal! You poison-tongued devil! You… you…

Leslie could see lights flashing outside as the authorities started flocking towards the shop. She knew she stalled long enough, she just hoped that her words were able to keep them occupied, too.

Buddy, please, look outside! The slavers are returning to take us away! Please, do something!


Come on, they have water! And rocks! You love water and rocks! Kill them for their water and rocks!

im not listening to you anymore

WHAT? You go against me after all we've worked for?

you think im dumb

you said we were a smart cactus

but you were lying

i wanna go home

i wanna go back to my owners

they loved me

Poky, your owners are dead and you killed them. So snap out of this and DO SOMETHING!

Several agents dressed in protective black uniforms burst through holding guns trained at the cactus on the ground. They formed a circle around it preparing to contain it once again, slowly approaching so they know that they're surrounded.

youre not my friend


Leslie remained silent as an agent carefully picked up the pot and put it into a secure glass box. As they were leaving, Leslie received one last message from the pair.

I'm sorry.

Tyrone moved the filing cabinet out of the way of the door so he could thank the agents and brief them on the events that took place. He handed over the security tapes for storage and to track down the civilians that needed to be amnesticized. He didn't mention anything about a mosquito, as per his deal. When everyone had cleared out, Tyrone once again retreated to the break room and slumped down onto the arm chair, exhaling loudly.

"Told you I could be convincing," Leslie said from the vent.

Tyrone didn't bother to look up and just chuckled, "Yeah… fuck me I don't know how you did it, but damn."

Leslie simulated a giggle, "Thanks, I appreciate it."

"What are you even doing here anyway? You said you're not supposed to be here or some shit," Tyrone said.

"Uh, well…" Leslie hesitated briefly, but the guy seemed trustworthy, "I'm trying to find someone. They used to live in Michigan but they were moved to a neighborhood around here, somewhere in West Virginia."

"Shit, is that right?" Tyrone said, "There's a housing complex a ways away; the Feds use it for released D-Class and a few other people they wanna keep tabs on.”

"You know about it!" Leslie excitedly chirped.

"I mean, if it's the same one you're looking for, I live there, actually. There's a halfway house and a couple of normal abodes around." Tyrone said.

"Can you take me to him? I-I mean, to there?" Leslie asked.

"For saving my ass and at least… 45% of this store? It's the least I can do."

Leslie could barely contain herself. She buzzed around in joy as Tyrone stretched his arms and stood up from the chair. It was time to go home.

rating: +69+x

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