155$ USD is a very affordable price for a soda.
[From 120's Archives] · [Black Diamond Billions]
Food
Of The
Paranatural
World
23/04/2015
Ambrose Restaurants has specialty drink menus now?
★★★★☆½
By Derry Venimuse
The eye makes sure you tip.
To say that Ambrose has not had a controversial history in the Three Portlands would perhaps be the biggest lie one can tell (short of any to your mother). With three establishments and one on the way, there is no shortage of inane, blabber-mouthed social media discourse types whining about how their precious hangout spots were bulldozed or how the city “isn’t what it used to be”. Long-time readers will know that I abhor such people; living in the past or the future denies you of the beautiful present, and will stop you from being able to look at what you need to do right now.
Which for me, is putting this review up! Let’s look at Ambrose’s most unique establishment today: their soda bar.
(Please note that all images in this review use photos from Ambrose Restaurant’s online menu. I have been given explicit permission to use them for the purposes of this promotional. All opinions within this post, irregardless of said promotion, are mine and mine alone.)
How It Works
So, for all the non-Americans here, soda bars are basically diners with a focus more on the drink than the food. They were popular in the 1960s and 70s as American suburbia blossomed free of the metropolitan border, free of the stink and corruption that comes with a city’s lifecycle.
Ambrose Restaurants aims to create a similar experience, curated to modern tastes but also to the most adventurous of palates. The food is free, but the drinks are not. You get a choice between various types of sandwiches and pastries—I recommend not going too hard on the latter if you’re planning to peruse the sweeter things on the menu.
This particular establishment also prides itself on its waiterless services (you order everything at kiosks and it’s delivered by a little robot, which, thank god—unenthusiastic servers are a menace to society) which creates a more casual dining environment. This may put off some, but to me, it makes the place perfect to journal, answer emails, or just people watch.
Drinks Tasted
35$ USD
The Rainbow Shortcake™ is a classic Three Portlands flavor, created in the days of the cruiser bars. According to the Ambrose man himself, to make it you need a ball of light magic, a single crystal (artificial is fine, but the taste is ever so slightly acrid) and some sparkling water, then boom! You have a drink that changes colors as you sit, and tastes like a strawberry shortcake. Nobody’s been able to explain why that is, and I didn’t particularly care as I sipped, because it went down my throat so smoothly I was in heaven for a whole minute.
The drink’s taste is impeccable; sweet, but slick and light—though it has a hearty kick with regards to the carbonation, one which almost made me pucker, but I know my readership will appreciate that. You guys were awesome with the Bubbly Contest last month, I loved all the videos you sent me!
Absolutely worth it.
★★★★★
48$ USD
Scale Of Quadratics is one of the more adventurous sodas on the menu. I found myself immensely perplexed when I realized what it actually entailed, even more so with the wilder story behind its creation.
The rumor goes that some fae nobody with her wife (the first owners of this building) found a 2D dragon in the basement. Everyone loved it, from the drag queens to the degenerates, and so much so that it was fed scraps from the bar’s operations (probably greasy pizza crusts, what a health code violation). Because of that, it left behind an infinite pile of scales that can make any liquid flat (like a piece of paper, we’re not getting rid of the bubbles here)!
How true is this? Well, I tried to do some investigation, but it’s difficult to make out the timeline of this lot’s ownership. The public records are impossible to acquire because of how loose Three Portlands zoning was back in the 70s, not helped at all by how most businesses were running in-the-red operations, expecting their community members to foot their bills when their poor practices inevitably caused them to downsize or abandon ship. Lazy cretins.
So what’s the drink like?
Thin. Very thin. Don’t let the photo fool you—it was taken at an angle meant to surprise the customer (including the grapes). It has all the features of a three-dimensional delight: carbonation, delicious muscadine flavor, and a crisp mouthfeel, but it’ll be hitting your tongue in what feels like wet strips of rice paper as it slides up and down between your teeth.
It was difficult for me to finish, but only because it intimidated me so much. Highly recommended regardless, it’s an experience like no other.
★★★★☆½
80$ USD (ants not shown)
Who hasn’t heard of the Dew of Faedonia at this point? Besides the nonsensical name (which I suppose is normal for fae, they are rather involved with that kind of thing, aren’t they?) the violent history behind it is very well-documented. Little ants that lived near magic leaks around the Ways to the Three Portlands becoming capable of producing a sweet dew that became a base for cocktails—it’s a cute story until you realize they were used as weapons against police officers. Weapons whose venom mutated their bodies into cancerous mush, all because the bar owners didn’t want to follow the law.
I do have to give them some credit at least. The laws they were breaking were silly, and outdated, in desperate need of renovation, but must violence have been the outcome? Why not just escape? The police had no jurisdiction over the Three Portlands in the late 60s, they still hardly do now.
Irregardless of that, the drink is alright. It has a fat-washed flavor (they use duck fat I believe), which gives it a savory body, but a heavy mouthfeel. It’s quite the savory experience now that I’m putting my tasting to words, which isn’t what I expected from carbonation, but I’m not going to complain. The umami is unbeaten.
What I will make my complaints to the chef about is the fact they put the actual ants in the drink. Yes, ants! They’re not little either, so you have to peer into their dead, bulbous eyes while you drink, hoping their poor little souls passed on safely because you’re enjoying the nectar of their labors without them.
The only reason this review is not 1.5 stars is because you are given the option to remove the ants from the drink at the kiosk, which I did not do as I wanted the full experience (and honestly I thought they would be candies or gummies. Not the real deal!) Because of that, I am willing to review this based off the drink alone, recommending this only to readers with souls made of iron or for those who like Bloody Mary cocktails on the regular.
★★★☆☆½
155$ USD
Be careful with the Monster Mania, it bites!
It doesn’t actually, though. It merely cries and whimpers as you drink it. I’ve been assured it’s not in any lasting pain, so readers don’t need to worry about hurting anything here, especially you vegans.
Hands down the best thing I had all day. Pure spiced indulgence, old-school cola flavor at its finest. Yes, it comes in a can, but only because its a little creature that is imbibing notes like cinnamon, cardamom and lemon. This is why you have to be careful with the outside when you drink, because you’ll be charged extra if you crush it or throw it away.
Sad they don’t smile at all. There’s some silly online videos about these things only smiling when exposed to loud music and dancing crowds, but that’s so tacky, you know? Yes, this building used to have one of those, yes nobody knows why Ambrose got zoned here because it was such an integral part of the neighborhood, but mosh pits are too tacky! A death to the soul, to raising well-mannered children and those of us with good taste!
Don’t give me any more ruckus in my comments about how I’m “ignorant” about this. I don’t care who was before, and most people like me won’t either. Gay, straight, bisexual, queer—everyone can live as they please, but being a community means that we have to compromise on what gets built and what doesn’t, and some of us have more needs than others.
Rant over. But that’s what you guys follow me for, yes? My beautiful thoughts and couture actions?
Now, back to the drink. For such an affordable price and a wondrous flavor, how could anyone say no to this?
★★★★★
Concluding Thoughts
Fun time! It is truly wonderful that Ambrose has given the Three Portlands community an alcohol-free space to hang out, safe for children and family-friendly in every way. Though some would argue it’s sanitized, and ahistorical, we shall call it progress, and growth for the taste buds of blossoming foodies everywhere!
And it’s not all that we’ll be seeing—Marshall, Carter and Dark is supposedly digging around this beautiful bowl-horizon town, looking to flush Ambrose Restaurants and others with cash, reinvigorating them and transforming the local scene into something even more exciting than we’ve got now. What do you guys think about that? I’m hoping it’s more alcohol-free establishments; it promotes homelessness and loitering in the worst possible ways (I saw some idiot passed out by the door when I was walking today!). Best to get rid of it as much as possible so the degenerates can be swept out of the eyes of hard-working people.
