[Begin Log]
O5-6 sits behind his desk going through a file. Three Alpha-1 operatives in full black gear stand in front, avoiding eye contact.
O5-6: I've read the report.
Silence.
O5-6: Twice. Because first time, I thought it was a prank.
He sets the document down and looks at them.
O5-6: Our automated system rejected it as a potential cognitohazard. It thought the phrase "Alpha-1 performing at a circus" was statistically impossible. I had to personally override it.
He gives them a long stare.
O5-6: You were deployed to capture or neutralize SCP-53423, a hostile reality bending entity manifesting as a clown. Correct?
Commander Greaves: Yes, sir.
O5-6: The entity was confirmed to be operating out of the abandoned Barker Brothers Circus warehouse.
Commander Greaves: That was the intelligence, sir.
O5-6: And you arrived instead at Sparkle's Family Fun Circus. Active. Non anomalous. Full of children. On a Sunday afternoon.
Agent Sanders: Sir, the GPS coordinates were-
O5-6: The parking lot had a bounce castle.
Silence.
O5-6: Agent Sanders, when you breached the main tent, did the cotton candy stand not strike you as unusual?
Agent Sanders: We thought it was part of the anomaly's cover, sir.
O5-6: Of course. Because this entity known for instantly liquefying its victims naturally runs a cotton candy stand as a side business.
A few seconds of silence.
O5-6: Commander Greaves. You reported that you "immediately recognized the error." How long is "immediately" in your estimation?
Commander Greaves: Approximately… four minutes, sir.
O5-6: During which you held a juggler at gunpoint while accusing him about "reality destabilization."
Commander Greaves: He was juggling chainsaws, sir. That matched the behavioral profile in the file-
O5-6: During that time, did it ever cross your mind that maybe he was juggling chainsaws because he is a professional juggler, Commander?
Silence.
O5-6: He is on therapy. You are paying for it, which we will get back to later.
O5-6 turns to a specific page, already bookmarked.
O5-6: Now, most teams - and I would have said "every team" before reading this very report - upon realizing such an error, would extract. You had Protocol Gray Veil, amnestics, standard cover stories. And yet, Agent Jameson, please read aloud page four, paragraph two of your report.
Jameson hesitates for a second.
Agent Jameson: "Upon Commander Greaves' assessment that extraction would draw excessive attention, the team made the tactical decision to blend in with circus personnel until a quieter extraction could be arranged."
O5-6: The three of you, dressed head to toe in tactical gear, carrying enough weaponry to invade half of the planet, decided to blend in. At a circus.
Agent Jameson: We didn't have any visible weapons, sir.
O5-6: How generous. I'm sure the families appreciated that you only kept your concealed sidearms while performing for their children.
O5-6 taps on his tablet. A video starts playing on a screen in the room.
O5-6: Commander Greaves, this is you attempting to juggle.
The footage shows Greaves in full tactical gear standing in the ring attempting to juggle three objects. The audience is silent. A child is crying.
O5-6: What are you juggling?
Commander Greaves: They were inert, sir. Safety pins-
O5-6: What are you juggling, Commander?
Greaves hesitates for a second.
Commander Greaves: Flashbangs, sir.
O5-6: You dropped one onto a birthday cake.
Commander Greaves: Yes, sir.
O5-6: The cake was for Thomas. Thomas is seven. Thomas had a flashbang on his birthday cake. Thomas did not have a good Sunday.
O5-6 swipes to the next clip.
O5-6: And here we have Agent Sanders' attempt at… what would you call this, Agent Sanders?
Agent Sanders: Acrobatics, sir.
O5-6: You executed a tactical roll into the ringmaster's legs. He's unconscious before he hits the ground.
Agent Sanders: I thought a roll would be entertaining, sir. Miscalculated the distance and hit a civilian.
O5-6: And you just stood there next to his body for ten seconds, while the audience watches.
Agent Sanders: I was deciding whether to break cover and call for medical, sir.
O5-6: And you decided to take a bow.
Agent Sanders: I decided that if the audience believed it was intentional, we might still be able to-
O5-6: You took a bow over an unconscious man.
Agent Sanders: Yes, sir.
He swipes to a third clip.
O5-6: Agent Jameson. Here you are, entering the ring. Please, enlighten us.
Agent Jameson: I was attempting physical comedy, sir.
O5-6: You decided to ride a clown bicycle.
Agent Jameson: It looked manageable, sir. I thought-
O5-6: You fell. In four seconds. Into the elephant enclosure.
Agent Jameson: Yes, sir.
O5-6: You got up covered in elephant excrement. And then you drew your service weapon and aimed it at the elephant.
Agent Jameson: It charged at me, sir!
O5-6: The elephant has since undergone behavioral assessment. He now shows signs of anxiety when he sees the color black. You are paying for his therapy as well.
Jameson opens his mouth.
O5-6: And no, the elephant did not charge at you. In fact, he had better operational discipline than you.
Jameson closes his mouth.
O5-6: Commander Greaves, your report states that you successfully extracted after Agent Sanders created a "diversion." It also states that he ignited a smoke grenade in the costume tent, causing a fire that required the fire department. Was that the diversion you were talking about?
Commander Greaves: It worked, sir. We made it out.
O5-6: The total damages amount to half a million dollars. We've had to amnesticize 247 witnesses, including two circus personnel who watched you flee the scene in a clown car.
Agent Sanders: It was the only available vehicle, sir.
O5-6: Let me understand this correctly. Alpha-1. Red Right Hand. The O5 Council's personal task force. The most elite tactical unit in the entire Foundation. You three fled in a clown car.
A moment of silence.
O5-6: The target - the correct target, not Bentley the poor juggler - was located and captured by MTF Epsilon-11 six hours later. At the correct warehouse. Three kilometers from where you were performing. They completed the mission in seventeen minutes with zero casualties.
Commander Greaves: Sir, we-
O5-6: During your "extraction," you left behind the following items at the circus: one flashbang, two tactical radios, two night vision goggles, one Foundation issued medical kit clearly marked with our insignia, and Agent Sanders' Foundation ID badge. Yes, that ID badge with level 5 clearance.
Agent Sanders: It must have fallen off durin-
O5-6: It was found pinned to a balloon animal, Agent Sanders. A balloon animal shaped like a dog. Do you understand that a child went home with your security credentials attached to a balloon dog?
Agent Sanders: It was retrieved before any exposure could-
O5-6: Yes, after a Mobile Task Force had to be dispatched to a six year old's home. They gave the child a stuffed animal as compensation and recovered a level 5 clearance ID badge. Whereas you burned down a circus with civilians inside for a non anomalous juggler.
Agent Jameson: But, sir-
O5-6: The Foundation has protocols for every conceivable scenario. But nowhere in our extensive documentation did I ever imagine we would need a protocol for "what to do when Alpha-1 accidentally performs at a circus."
O5-6 slaps the report on the desk.
O5-6: In a Sunday afternoon, you managed to achieve something that nobody in the Foundation could ever imagine.
A pause.
O5-6: You made the words "Alpha-1 was deployed" sound comedic.
Commander Greaves: Sir, with all due respe-
O5-6: Commander, you have dropped flashbangs onto a cake. I'm afraid you've exhausted your respect reserves.
O5-6 gives all three of them a long stare.
O5-6: Here is what will happen. You will redo all your training. All of it. Map reading. Situational awareness. How to identify non anomalous venues. A course on "not igniting smoke grenades in enclosed spaces." Another course on "how not to traumatize innocent animals."
All Three: Yes, sir.
O5-6: You will personally compensate Sparkle's Family Fun Circus for all damages. I don't care how you raise the funds.
A pause.
O5-6: Is there anything you wish to say in your defense?
Commander Greaves: The GPS coordinates were off by three kilometers, sir. It was an understandable-
O5-6: So the almighty Red Right Hand operates with a three kilometer margin of error. Noted. I’ll keep that in mind the next time I dispatch you to prevent the end of the world, just in case you end up in the nearest grocery store instead.
A few seconds of silence.
Commander Greaves: But the location did match the anomaly's description, sir. Its file describes that it frequently uses civilians as cover.
O5-6: That was unfortunate, yes.
A pause.
O5-6: Everything that followed, was not.
O5-6 gives all three agents a long stare.
O5-6: You are dismissed.
All Three: Yes, sir.
O5-6: Oh, and gentlemen?
Commander Greaves: Sir?
O5-6: The clown car is not being returned. It will be mounted in Site-01's cafeteria as a reminder of this incident.
A pause.
O5-6: With a plaque "Red Clown Hand" attached to it.
[End Log]